Knocked Up
by Julziexx3
Summary: Sam and Freddie end up drunkenly hooking up at a party, which leaves Sam pregnant with no idea where to turn. Sam's POV. Seddie.
1. Chapter 1

**I know, big surprise that I'm writing about an unexpected pregnancy. I've never done _that_ one before. Anyway, this is my first Seddie fic, and I'm really excited about it cause Seddie is the most adorable fucking couple to ever walk this universe. I've always shipped this pairing, so I'm excited to finally be writing a fic about them! I'm gonna be focusing mainly on Seddie as of now, since Loliver is pretty much dead. I hope you guys enjoy and review! I'll try to post chapter 2 sometime next week. Enjoy!**

"Shit, Carly." I burst through the door of Carly and Spencer's apartment. "Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit." I mumble, glancing around the room, my eyes landing on the kitchen table, which Carly, Spencer and their freakish cousins are sitting around. Each one of them is giving me a death glare. I force a half smile at the Dorfmans. "Um, Carly? May I see you in the studio, _please_?" I grumble, my mouth still stuck in a fake smile.

I decide not to make this any more awkward with having to wait for the elevator as they all stare at me, so I take the stairs. I run up as fast as I can, swinging open the door of the iCarly studio. Carly follows shortly after, a sour look on her face. "Sam! What was that? My cousins are down there, okay? The Dorfmans! Do you know how-"

I cut her off. "I know, sorry." I murmur. "But seriously, this is important."

Carly opens her mouth and then shuts it, taking a deep breath. "What?" She asks quietly.

I sigh. "Um, so...a couple of months ago, I um, went to this party."

Carly raises an eyebrow. "Sam, I know. I was _there_."

I force a smile. "Right, right. Well um, like I was saying. A party. There was alcohol at this party, you know, cause that's usually what goes on. And um, Freddie, he was also at this party."

"Sam!" Carly shouts. "I think you're forgetting that_ I was there_."

I shush her and clear my throat, trying to continue my story. "So I drank something. It was only like a glass, I swear. I have no idea what it is, but it was good. Really good, I guess, cause even Freddie drank some. I don't know what kind of drink gets you that drunk with one glass, but this one did. We were both totally wasted. I guess you left by this time, I don't really know where you were, actually. Anyway, I guess I should stop rambling and just tell you. Well, um, we slept together, Freddie and I." I look down at the door while saying this, refusing to see Carly's reaction.

I raise my head slowly. Carly is standing there, complete shock on her face. "So you...and Freddie...you...had _sex_?" Her voice cracks on the last part of the sentence.

"I wish that was the worst part." I say quietly.

Her eyes widen. "I don't know if I want to hear this." Carly mumbles.

"Yeah, well." I take a deep breath. "I'm knocked up. And uh, it's Freddie's." I manage to croak out. I glance over at Carly, whose mouth is wide open.

"You're eighteen! Holy shit, Sam! What about his mom? What is she gonna-" Carly abruptly stops talking as she sees a tear glide down my cheek. I hardly ever cry, but talking about this is making me want to sob. I can't hold Freddie back from his life like that, not to mention how Marissa is going to feel about it. I can't even imagine. _What did I get myself into?_

Carly wraps her arms around me tightly, and I silently cry into her shoulder. It's so silent that I can almost feel the door creaking open. I pull away from Carly fast, noticing Spencer in the doorway.

"Um, hey, girls. Anyone up for pudding cups?" He asks awkwardly. Carly shakes her head sharply.

"We're _fine_, Spencer." She says, raising her eyebrows and glancing towards the door.

"Right, uh, okay." He says. Carly rolls her eyes. He couldn't have gotten out of there faster. If there's anything Spencer hates talking about, it's girl problems. And this? This is a _huge _girl problem.

Carly faces me and takes a deep breath. "What are you going to do?"

"I don't know!" I shout. "I have no idea what I'm going to do!" I bury my face in my hands and Carly grips my wrist.

"You should tell Freddie." She murmurs.

"I should do a lot of things." I say, glancing at her in the corner of my eye. I can't tell Freddie. I can't just tell him this. He's smart, he's got an entire future ahead of him. Me? Maybe not. I can raise a kid alone. I have practice, I pretty much had to raise myself. Which reminds me..._my mother_. Telling my mom I'm pregnant at eighteen will guarantee me getting kicked out of the house. So where does that leave me? Alone, homeless, pregnant. And to top it off, I'm still only a teenager. A teenager having a baby with my best friend. My best fucking friend.

I shut my eyes and Carly puts an arm around me. "Do you wanna spend the night?"

I sniffle. Like there was even a choice. Carly starts walking downstairs, and I follow after her. The Dorkman's are already gone, and Spencer is in his bedroom, probably working on a sculpture or watching Celebrities Underwater. I collapse on the couch, yelling at Carly to grab me some chicken. Almost the exact second I say that, Freddie appears in the doorway, looking down.

"Hey, Carly. I found this new software that we can use in iCarly this week, It's really cool and-" He looks up and stops talking. "Oh." He simply mumbles. "I should go, sorry, I didn't realize that you were busy." I roll my eyes. Ever since we slept together, Freddie has been finding any excuse he can to avoid me. We've probably said a total of six words to each other in the last two months, half of them being 'I hate you'. I wonder how Carly couldn't even notice. I guess she's just oblivious.

"Freddie, it's fine, stay over here!" Carly shouts from the kitchen. I glare at her.

Freddie hesitates before slowly walking into the apartment, shutting the door behind him. "Yeah?"

"Nothing." She says, walking into the living room, holding drinks and popcorn. "I just feel like I haven't seen you two together in so, so long."

I smile sarcastically towards Carly. "Thanks for that, Carles, but I'm sure Fredward's mom wants him home by now, correct?" I look at Freddie. He shrugs.

"It is only seven thirty." Carly says. I glare at her and she smiles back. "Alright kids, make yourselves at home!"

"Freddie." I clear my throat. "Uh, what goes on?"

"Nothing." He muses.

"Cool, cool. Um, by the way, I'm uh..._hungry_." Carly shoots me a look. "Really hungry." I add, glaring back at her.

Freddie raises an eyebrow. "There's a surprise." He pauses. "Why are you acting so jumpy?"

"Jumpy? Me? What? No!" I say in less than four seconds. "Uh, so do you want some popcorn? Here!" I toss the popcorn bowl to Freddie and popcorn flies all over his lap. He hardly reacts, just slowly picks the small pieces up from his waist.

"Oops." I mumble. "Sorry."

"That's weird." Freddie says, looking over at me.

"What's weird?" I ask, way too paranoid.

"You apologized." He replies.

I take a deep breath, ignoring what he just said. "Remember that one time?" I murmur.

He pauses for a second, and Carly takes this as her cue to leave the room. "I'm gonna go...um, walk the dog!" She shouts. Freddie and I are too busy with our thoughts to even notice.

Freddie just nods. "Are you talking about…?"

"Yeah." I reply shortly. I try to keep my breathing persistent as I talk. I can hardly hear myself over the loud beating of my heart pounding in my ears. "I'm knocked up." I don't even think about saying the dreaded p word. That word just makes it seem more serious...more real. I mumble so quietly that I hope Freddie couldn't hear it. Oh, but he heard it. His eyes are widened and his mouth is open.

"You…I…_really_?" Is all he manages to get out. I look down at my feet and nod.

"I'll make an appointment to, you know, take care of this. It's not a big deal, my mom has had like ten abortions." I have to remind myself to breathe through this whole sentence, glancing up at Freddie after I finish talking.

He shakes his head. "No! No…I don't want you to…God, how are we gonna do this?" Freddie puts a hand on his forehead and groans. "Shit, Sam. My mom is gonna-"

"Can you shut up about your mom?" I yell. Freddie looks offended immediately. "Sorry." I mumble quietly. "I just-I know how she's gonna react. I would rather not…talk about it."

Freddie nods slowly, trying to process all of this. "So…in nine months…I'm gonna be…." He fades out of the sentence, a dazed look in his eyes as he let's his head flop down into his hands.

I don't know if I should just sit their awkwardly, or if I should pat him on the back or something. I hesitantly move my arm to Freddie's back, slowly patting his back. "Hey, Fredward, uh...this sucks."

He raises an eyebrow. "You're telling me."

I run a hand through my hair. I feel like I honestly have no options. I know that the second I tell my mom, she will demand an abortion or nothing. And the second Freddie tells Marissa...God, I don't know. She will yell some shit about 'her baby' being pure, and call me a 'nasty gutter girl', telling Freddie that he isn't allowed to ever speak to me again. I can't come out to the entire iCarly audience about it, because...I just can't. No one thinks of me as someone who would get pregnant when I'm only eighteen. _Especially _not with Freddie. I can't go to school like this, either. No one would expect me to show up at school all knocked up and chiz. I can't do anything. Basically, I'm here, lost, with no place to turn. Doesn't that just feel dandy?

Freddie puts a hand on his head, groaning. "Shit, Sam." He says. "What the fuck are we gonna do?"

**Again, very original this fic is. My New Year's resolution should have been to stop writing pregnancy fics. lol, well I hope you enjoyed. I enjoyed writing Seddie, considering I absolutely adore them. Reviews mean a lot to me, so review if you liked it, review if you hated it. I'm always up for advice on how to improve this fic. Thanks for reading, like I said the next chapter should be up soon!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Thanks for all the reviews! Glad you guys are giving this fic a chance! I decided to add a new chapter every Monday, so they have some sort of consistency. This one is being added at 1 in the morning, but still, it is now Monday, so enjoy.**

"Maybe you should figure something out." Carly says, fumbling with a blanket.

I raise my eyebrows, flipping through the channels. "Maybe I should."

Carly glances at me, staring me down until I answer her. "Do you have a problem?" I mumble. The room is silent except for the slight rumble of the t.v.

"Not at all. Just wondering, you know, what you're gonna do with...all of this. I was thinking if we had a plan, or any idea, really, we could start-"

"I don't want to have this thing." I mumble, glancing at the floor. It's filled with empty bags of junk food, all of which I consumed last night.

"You don't really have a choice. It has to come out of you...somehow." She shivers at the thought. I give her a sly smile back.

Carly raises her eyebrows, her lips curving into a fine line. "Go tell your mom."

"My mom? Carlyyyy!" I whine, stretching out her name. "Anyone but my mom!"

She shrugs, still refusing to look me in the eyes. "Then go tell Mrs. Benson."

"No! Dude, do you know what she's gonna do to me when she finds out what her Freddikins and I did? And when she finds out what the product is...shit man, I _never_ want to see her reaction to that!"

Carly doesn't respond, she just glances towards me and purses her lips. "Go. Tell your mom."

"Nah." I respond carelessly, lifting myself up from the couch so I can raid Carly's fridge.

"Sam!"

I sigh. I know this tone of voice more than anything. Carly knows whats best for me, she knows me more than I know me. I know that this is what I have to do. I'm gonna have to tell my mom some time or another, might as well get it over with. It's not like my mom has control of me, what's the worse that can happen? She kicks me out? She disowns me? Neither of those things are worse than my childhood.

I take a deep breath. "Carly?"

"Yeah?"

I slowly turn to her, raising an eyebrow. "Can I-I live here? You know, if..."

Carly's lips spread into a small smile, trying to brighten the mood. "Don't you already?"

* * *

><p>"Hey, Mom." I yell loudly as I walk into the house. My mom is lazily sitting on the couch watching a Teen Mom marathon. Loud bleeps and southern slang roar out of the speakers. There are about twenty empty beer cans piled around her. I'm not even bothered that she's drunk, I'm used to it. Anyone growing up with her as a mom would be. "I'm home." I mumble as soon as I get close enough to her. She nods her head in my direction, still focused on the t.v. "And, uh...Mom?" My voice cracks when I address her.<p>

"Huh?" She murmurs, eyes still fixated on the blond bitch on the t.v screaming at her boyfriend. The background noise does nothing but make me more nervous to tell her.

"I'm, uh..." I crinkle my nose. "Pregnant."

My mom nods for a second, before raising an eyebrow and turning towards me. "You little filthy whore." She says, her voice getting tense. I remind myself to breathe. I expected this, why is it so damn hard to breathe? "Go see Patricia, or you're never gonna fucking see daylight again." She slurs incoherently. Like I'm supposed to know who Patricia is.

"Uh, who's-"

She cuts me off. "My _doctor_." Ah, 'doctor'. A.k.a the woman who sticks a needle up her lady parts. How sweet.

"Mom..." I respond as calmly as I can. "I don't think I'm gonna, uh...have an abortion. I think I'm gonna keep-"

"Get out, Samantha." Her voice tenses, as does my entire body. I shouldn't of told her now, when she's drunk. She's filled with so much fucking anger when she's drunk. "Out. Get out of this house, you whore." Her voice is slowly getting louder, so much that you can hear her over the t.v. "I never want to see you again, you filthy little _bitch_." She slowly corners me, getting closer and closer. I remind myself not to cry. I can't cry. Not in front of her. Not right now. I take a deep breath, biting my lip so hard it draws blood. This is the only instance in my life where I haven't immediately talked back to an adult.

I turn away from my mother, letting myself slowly walk to the front door. I twist the knob with calm, careful hands. I'm almost out. I don't even bother taking any of my stuff. Most of it is at Carly's, anyway. Just as the door is opening towards me, I feel my mother behind me. Her hand comes in contact with my face, a loud smacking noise fills the room and a sting of pain instantly comes to my cheek. "You dumb cunt!" She screams. I wince, and not only at the pain. I stay silent and dig my nails into my fist. I want to slap the shit out of her more than anything right now. For all the times she's left me alone while she was out with a new boyfriend. For all the times she's completely ignored me. For every single time she has ever been drunk in front of me. For right now, when she's abandoning me when I need her the most.

It takes every bit of self control I have to walk out of the house. Tears flood my cheeks and I don't bother wiping them, I just walk. I keep my pace up and walk. Walk to the bus stop, and walk on the bus, walk right into Bushwell. I rush into the elevator and cry more than I have ever cried in my life, and when it reaches Carly's room, I cry more, pounding on the door until she answers it, and burying my face in her sleeve for what feels like hours.

Sometime in the middle of this mess, I feel another set of hands grasp my back. I wince. _Freddie_. When did he get here? I hiccup and sniffle until I can finally get a coherent word out. "F-Freddie?" I ask quietly.

"Yeah. Hey. I'm right here." He responds quietly. His words calm me and also force new tears out of my eyes. I'm almost doubled over sobbing, letting go of Carly so I can maneuver my arms around Freddie.

I take multiple deep breaths at a time, desperately trying to breathe again. I have never, ever cried this much in my life. The only times remotely close to this, I was alone. I never cry when I'm around people. Especially not like this. Neither Carly or Freddie asks what happened. They know to distance themselves from me, because I am a raging, screaming bitch. Because of the way I was raised and the way my mother taught me that alcohol and anger were the only thing that solves problems. Thanks mom, for making sure I'm the most fucked up person in Seattle.

* * *

><p>I guess I fell asleep, cause now I'm laying in Carly's bed with both of my best friends. The digital clock next to the bed states that it is now 12:48 am. Carly is thrown to the side of the bed, barely hanging off the edge. Freddie is basically on top of me, his firm arms wrapped around my neck. This reminds me too much of <em>that<em> night. I smack his arm, trying to get him to budge. "Come on, Fredward." I mumble, using my legs to push him off of me. God, I guess he really has been working out.

He blinks a few times, glancing at me. "Oh. Hi, Sam."

I squeeze my eyes shut and let out a breath of air. "Hey."

"You told your mom, huh?" He asks. The only thing I can make out on him are his his dark brown eyes as they stare in my direction.

I twist the corners of my lips. "Yeah, I told her."

He nods in the darkness, resting a hand on my shoulder. We stay silent for a minute before I slowly speak, hoping he's already fast asleep. "I'm such a fuck up."

"What?" Freddie asks. His voice is no longer a whisper, and he is now using his arm to keep himself up, staring me right in the eyes. "Sam, you are _not_ a fuck up."

I raise my eyebrows, not making eye contact with him. "Freddie. I'm eighteen. There is a fucking fetus inside of my stomach, okay? My mother hates me. My dad was too lazy to put a condom on, and I'm the result. I push people away. It's what I do. I have never had one successful relationship in my life. Not with anyone. Carly is the only person who is ever patient with me. You are too...sometimes. I'm poor as fuck, alright? I have no money, no future. All I have is this baby, which I have no idea what I'm gonna do with. I've got nothing going for me, Freddie."

His eyes brim with tears instantly and he shakes his head. "No, Sam. I don't want to hear you say that shit. Your mom? She's an stubborn alcoholic. Don't listen to a word she says. Your dad has never had the privilege of meeting you, so he probably has it pretty bad." He pauses, taking a deep breath and resting his hand on mine. "I'm here. I don't care if you're my best friend or not, I'm here. And I'm gonna be here for you, no matter what we decide to do. Okay? Don't ever say you're a fuck up, because you're not. Some people don't get off as easy as everyone else. None of that is your fault. You're gonna make it through this, whatever it is, and I'm gonna be here. Carly's gonna be here, and Spencer is gonna be here and even _my mom_ is. I promise you that, Sam. We're all here for you. We all love you."

**Review. For the children. **


	3. Chapter 3

**I lied, it's not Monday. This chapter is pretty early, but I had Monday off so I decided to write som****e more**** and being the impatient soul I am, I had to post the chapter as soon as I finished it. I guess I'll try to update every Monday and Wednesday, but I can guarantee you that will probably not work out. Oh well, these chapters will very rarely be consistent. Enjoy.**

I groan, running a hand through my hair. My face is covered in smeared makeup and last nights tears. I glance to my side, noticing that both Carly and Freddie are no longer in the bed. I lift myself up from the bed and sigh, making my way downstairs.

The second I step off the elevator, talking comes to a halt and everyone's eyes go straight to me. I widen my eyes and half smile. "Uh, hey. Morning." I say with a shrug.

No one replies. Spencer seems to be frozen, both hands gripping a spatula which is inside a bowl of pancake mix. I glance over Spencer, Carly and Freddie as they're all standing there staring at me. "Uh..."

Suddenly, everyone starts speaking at the same time. Loudly. "Sam! Hey um, do you want some pancakes? Cause we made pancakes!" Carly says, her eyes glancing over me uneasily.

Freddie nods and smiles at me. "Yep, pancakes! They're banana, I know you like banana so we made banana-"

Spencer throws his arms in the air, interrupting Freddie and splattering pancake mix all over the kitchen. "Pancakes!" He shouts.

I uneasily glance at Carly and Freddie. "You spoke of it!" I yell tensely, referring to them telling Spencer that I'm knocked up. With the way everyone's acting, it seems like that's what they did. Carly widens her eyes as I run over to Freddie and smack his arm multiple times.

"Sam!" She yells, pulling me away from Freddie. She grabs my wrist and looks at me. "I'm sorry! It just slipped out. He was gonna have to know some time or another." Her tone is calm and her eyes are soft. I nod slowly.

"Maybe I wanted to be the person who told him! Not you guys! He didn't have to know right this instant!" I yell, tears quickly coming to my eyes. I'm amazed at how easily this whole thing has made me cry.

Carly takes a deep breath. "Sam, you can't hide this forever." She says as calmly as she can.

I roll my eyes. "I'm not ready to make this public! It's embarrassing! I've always been seen as the tough girl, and now what am I gonna be? The pregnant girl? The slut? I can't deal with that!"

She rests a hand on my shoulder. "Calm down, Sam. Spencer is fine with it. We're gonna help you through this."

I bite my lip, ignoring Carly's last comment and glancing at Spencer. "Sorry." I murmur quietly. "I didn't want this to happen like it did."

Spencer shakes his head. "I'm just surprised that Freddie had it in him."

I smile and Freddie turns to Spencer, crinkling his eyebrows. "What is _that_ supposed to mean?" He asks. I almost start laughing until I remember what we're joking about.

Spencer laughs. "I just didn't think you'd be sleeping with anyone until you're forty and married, that's all."

Freddie looks offended, putting his hands out in front of him to defend himself. "Woah, you don't think I'm capable of having sex with a girl?"

"_Especially _not with Sam! Or drunkenly. That's like, the most badass thing you've done in your entire life!" Spencer exclaims. Freddie just looks offended.

"Can we forget the fact that I had sex with her and just go over the news that she is going to be having a child?" Freddie shouts. His eyes widen as soon as he glances towards the door, seeing his mom standing there. My breath hitches in my throat. How did she make it through the door so quietly? Has she been here this whole time? I glance at the ground, praying that she didn't hear what Freddie just said.

"Fredward Benson!" She shouts. Her breathing gets deep and her eyes get bigger. "What did I just hear you say?"

Freddie opens his mouth to talk and nothing comes out. _Come on, you nub! Make something up! Don't tell her the truth!_ "Um, mom..." He speaks fast, nervously biting his lip. "I impregnated Sam!" Freddie blurts out. I gasp, giving him a death glare.

"Dude, what the hell?" I yell, running up closer to him so I can smack his arm. As I'm doing so, Marissa's nostrils flare out and she gasps, finally coming in touch with the truth. I'm afraid to watch her face and her movements, yet I can't pull myself away from staring to see what she does next. I can hear my heart beat pounding in my ears and I can hardly breathe. I watch her face redden until she realizes exactly what Freddie said. She screams louder than I have ever heard someone scream, her mouth forming an oval.

"No child of mine impregnates a no good delinquent like Samantha!" She screams. I wonder if she knows I'm standing right here. "Fredward, it isn't true. Whatever she's telling you is not true! Come on!" She yanks his arm and Freddie protests, trying to pull away. I finally process what she says and I gasp. She thinks I'm lying to Freddie? That he's not really the father? What kind of slut does she think I am?

Freddie pulls his arm away from his mother. "Mom!" He says with shaking hands. "It's mine. I know for a fact that I am the one who did..._this_!" He motions towards my stomach. "I don't care what you say, but I trust Sam, and I know that I'm the only person she's ever.._._done_ that_ with!" He lets out a breath of air as soon as he's finished talking, fearing his mothers response.

Marissa shrieks. "Nonsense! Listen, Freddie, I want you to stay away from that no good Puckett!" She scolds.

I watch Freddie's lips pull into a fine line. His eyes meet his moms. "No."

I widen my eyes. Did the precious Fredward Benson just say 'no' to his mom? I guess there's a first time for everything...but wow, he said this for me?

Mrs. Benson opens her mouth, her jaw nearly hitting the floor. She stays silent for a second, before letting out yet another shriek and grudgingly stomping out of the apartment. "The Freddikins I knew did not impregnate young woman!"

"Listen, lady-" I yell at Marissa. She stops dead in her tracks, eyeing me.

"Especially not young woman like _you_, Samantha!" She shouts as she slams the door. I keep my eyes on the floor, refusing to look at anyone.

I feel Carly's arms around me. I hopelessly hold on. My eyes aren't teary and I'm not sobbing into her shoulder, I just feel lifeless. I feel like I took Freddie's entire future from him in less than ten minutes. I move one of Carly's arms away so I can look Freddie in the eyes. "Go." I say softly. "Go tell her that it's not yours."

He looks confused, immediately rushing to my side. "Why would I do that?"

I effortlessly lift one shoulder up. "You have a future. I don't."

"Sam." He scolds. "We're in this together." He reaches down to squeeze my hand, but I quickly pull away.

I shake my head. "You don't deserve this."

Freddie's voice get's louder. "Listen, if you're afraid I'm just gonna leave you-_don't be_. I'm gonna be here for you, you don't have to pull yourself away from me."

I take a deep breath and let Freddie's words sink in. I try so hard to believe him, but I just can't. Everyone else in my life has left me, even after telling me those exact words...why should I believe _him_? "You guys have both already gotten your college acceptance letters! And honestly, we all know that mine are never coming! Go live your future out, Freddie. You don't have to worry about me!" I back away from him. "Go."

Freddie doesn't leave, he just stands there in shock, shutting his eyes and taking a deep breath. "I don't give a fuck about my future." He glances towards my stomach. "_This_ is my future."

* * *

><p>"He's so native!" I yell, pacing back and forth in Carly's room. Her eyes are fixated on my every movement. "He's never been in a situation even remotely close to this. He's hardly been in any trouble. Up until now, Freddie's life has been a piece of cake! He's always gotten everything he wanted. His mom might have been insane, but hell, she was always there for him. No matter what. His entire life he has been showered with good food, gifts and love. So much love! When he realizes what this has in store for him, he's gonna run. I know he will! I know he's just gonna leave and then I'll be alone! Why should I even bother getting attached if he's just gonna leave?"<p>

"Sam, it's not like this is some guy you just met on the street. You've known Freddie basically your whole life, I think you can trust him." Carly responds innocently. I snort. She's never had someone leave her, she wouldn't know.

"Of course I can trust him! _Now._ But what about in a few months, when I'm getting ready to pop this thing out? What's he gonna do then?"

"He's gonna be there." Carly replies simply. I sigh loudly, collapsing on her bed and running a hand through my hair. I know what's gonna happen, this sort of thing has happened to me way more often than it has to Carly. She has no idea what she's talking about.

I try to fill my head with these thoughts, that Carly is talking nonsense and that we all know Freddie isn't gonna be there in the end,...but something weird is happening. I think about what she's saying, that I've known Freddie since I was little, and he's never left me. I've been throwing him around, cursing him out, ignoring him and making fun of him since we first met. And he's still around now. A kid can't do anything worse than I've been doing for the past few years. Maybe he's telling the truth...maybe he won't leave me.

Or who knows? Maybe he will.

**Reviews are a lot of fun.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Happy Monday. (Well actually it's late Sunday night but we can just pretend that it's Monday because Monday is oh so close).**

I glance at the clock, my heart beating nervously in my chest. 2:33. Two more minutes until I'm out of this class. About five and a half minutes until Freddie and I will enter his car and drive all the way to the obstetrician. Wherever that is. I gulp. Going to the doctor is one of the last things I want to do right now. I don't want to talk to anyone about this. I don't want people to judge me based on it. I would like to ignore being pregnant for as long as possible, but according to Carly, that's too much to ask. Last night she made me call the doctor and make an appointment, my hands shaking on the phone the entire time. When I talked it sounded breathy and nervous because I was so ashamed. I was telling some random stranger that I'm eighteen and knocked up, and I'm sure she was judging me because of it. I _hate_ being judged. I don't want to be known as the girl who got pregnant at a young age. I want to be known as the tough one. I want people to look at me and think,_ "She's different."_ Not _"She must be a whore."_

Sigh. I never realized how incredibly self conscious I am. My whole life I've been lying to myself, saying that I don't give a fuck what people think of me. But really, I care. I don't only care, but I'm borderline obsessed with it. I'm obsessed with others' opinions, how sad is that?

The bell rings and I jump, sliding my textbook into my backpack and slinging it over my shoulder. I slowly walk to my locker and lazily turn the combination. Carly appears by my side and half smiles, resting a hand on my shoulder. "Hey, Sam."

"Hi." I say quietly. I don't look up at her, and I can tell she's confused, probably thinking I'm pissed at her. I'm not mad at her for making me call the doctor, it was something that had to be done. I'm just mad that...I don't know, I'm mad that I had sex with Freddie. I'm mad that it all ended up the way it did.

"Sorry I can't come tonight. I wish I could be there, really."

"It's cool." I lie, slowly raising my eyes to hers. It is _not_ cool that Carly left me alone with Freddie. I can't just be..._alone with Freddie_. Things have been weird between us since the night we slept together, even more so since I've found out I was pregnant. Maybe it's just the hormones. Yeah, let's go with that. The hormones are what's causing me to have these...feelings. The feelings I get whenever I'm alone with him. Weird feelings. Feelings I am not even close to being comfortable with. I've hated Fredward my whole life, I can't just randomly start to have feelings for him.

My thoughts are interrupted by Freddie swiftly resting his hand on my shoulder, smiling at me. "Hey." He says to me and Carly, eyeing me awkwardly.

"What do you want, Freddison?" I grumble.

He opens his mouth and then shuts it, pointing to the door. "Uh, let's go, I guess."

We walk into the parking lot and he opens the car. I grab the door handle and let myself in the passenger seat, throwing my feet up on the dashboard. My shoes leave marks on the windshield and Freddie shakes his head but doesn't complain.

The car ride isn't bad. We actually have a chance to talk. For once in our relationship, I let him actually say things without putting them down. When he says, "We have to weigh our options." I don't make a stupid comment, but just nod along.

He softly halts the car at a red light. Before I even get a chance to say anything back, he sighs. "I've been thinking...about adoption."

I turn to him and suddenly get an extremely sickening feeling in my stomach, instantly forgetting what he just said. I hold a hand in front of my mouth and try hard not to gag. "Pull. Over." I say in short stern breaths. I watch as Freddie panics and swerves off the road, receiving about five loud beeps from cars around us. He comes _this_ close to hitting a light pole. I swing the door open and vomit right onto the sidewalk of a busy street. I get puke all over Freddie's car, which I'm sure he is thrilled by. Excellent. This just keeps getting better and better.

My mouth is sore and I feel disgusting when I sit down again, turning to Freddie. I refuse to apologize for something _he_ caused, but instead I just shrug. "You might want to clean that."

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><p>I make my way in front of Freddie as we enter the doors, trying to keep my eyes on the floor and nowhere else. I pause, walking to the front desk and eyeing the receptionist nervously. "How may I help you?" She asks. She gives me a once over and I smirk, using every oodle of self control I have not to give her a sarcastic reply.<p>

"Sam Puckett." I respond in a monotone voice. I almost smile at my reply. I deserve to be pretty proud of myself. I tap on the desk, remembering all the times Freddie yelled at me and told me that I have absolutely no self control. Ha, Freddie, I do have self control. I have _tons_ of self control.

She nods and I sit down in the waiting room, tapping my hand on Freddie's knee nervously. I glance around the room, trying to make myself as invisible as possible. Everyone sitting around us looks...happy. There's happy couples sitting everywhere, conversing and laughing. People who are actually happy to be here. No one seems to even notice me, no one looks. Actually, it seems like everyone in here is trying not to stare. Like I'm some kind of mutated cow.

I look over at Freddie, who's eyes are focused on my own. I raise my eyebrows and shrug. He bites his lip. God, he looks so fucking hot when he does that.

I gasp and widen my eyes. _What the fuck? Did I just think that? How...why did my brain just automatically think that Freddie looked...attractive? What the hell was that? Freddie is not hot. Freddie is a nerd and he is by no means attractive. At all. I am not in love with Freddie. I'm not even in like with him. Just because I am knocked up with his kid doesn't mean that I have to love him or think he's hot. _I try to tell myself all of this, the rational option, what I should be thinking. But I know what my problem is. I _am_ in like with Freddie. We did sleep together. We can continue to blame the alcohol all we want...but that's not the only reason. Maybe there were feelings there beforehand. Maybe they were always 's the little things he does that make me insane. Like the way he slides his hands in his pockets, or how he raises his eyebrows when he asks me what's wrong. Maybe even how much he cares. I'm not only afraid of Freddie leaving, but I'm afraid of him being here in the first place. I'm afraid of loving him.

I gulp when I finally realize this, my hands nearly shaking. I can't like him...he's Fredward. He's a nerd and we've gone our whole life hating each other, I can't just-

My thoughts are interrupted by a peppy, thin nurse with long blond hair. "Samantha Puckett?" She calls. I wince at my full name and glance at Freddie. We both get up and I smile at the nurse. She leads us through the narrow hallway, stopping at the end with a sly smile. "Alright, Dr. Coleman will be here in a few minutes." We walk in the room and I nervously look around at the plain white walls. Everything in this room seems to be untouchable. I sit on the blue bench in the left corner of the room, tapping my foot on the stool in front of me. Freddie and I don't speak until the doctor comes in.

"Hello, uh..." She looks down at her clipboard, "Samantha and Fredward. My name is Dr. Coleman." She says, smiling. I wince again at my full name, resisting the urge to correct her. She's an older woman with curly gray hair and a plump body. She seems nice enough.

"Today we're testing you for hereditary diseases and sexually transmitted diseases. I'll be checking up on your weight, blood pressure, heart, lungs and breasts and performing a pelvic exam." I wince. _A pelvic exam? Could this be any more awkward?_

She starts off with weighing me, nodding and checking something off on her clipboard. Dr. Coleman takes my blood pressure and sticks about five different needles in my arms, insisting that they won't hurt when they actually do.

She then makes me get into this whole hospital gown getup and decides that it is perfectly okay to poke at my boobs for at least two minutes. Freddie stands in the corner, looking down. His face is beat red. I smirk.

The pelvic exam is just as, maybe even more awkward as I expected it to be. I avoid looking at Freddie the entire time, and I'm sure he's just as embarrassed by it. I want to tell this woman to get the fuck out of my lady parts but I refrain, gripping the sides of the bench and biting my lip.

She finally finishes the damn exam and sighs, lifting up her clipboard once again. "What are your symptoms?"

"Oh, I can answer this one." Freddie says. I raise an eyebrow at him.

"Go ahead then, _smartass_." I mumble, mouthing the last word. Dr. Coleman cross her arms around her chest in a _'I don't have time for this nonsense'_ way.

"Uh..." He starts, obviously scared that I'm going to beat the living crap out of him the second we get in the car. "She gets sick."

Dr. Coleman nods. "Anything else?"

"And emotional." I mumble, knowing that Freddie was going to say it anyway. The doctor tells me that it's completely normal to cry over things like Laundry Detergent commercials because I'm pregnant, and being pregnant is a valid excuse for pretty much anything.

"Now, I could just determine the exact due date if you two happen to remember the date of conception?"

"January 3rd." I say instantly, noticing Freddie's voice over mine. I look over at him and he smiles slyly. I feel a rush of butterflies go through my stomach and I smile back at him warmly.

_He remembered._

Dr. Coleman nods. She scribbles down a few more notes and then turns to Freddie an I, a warm smile on her face. "Your pregnancy seems to be going smooth, Samantha. You're nine weeks along and all of your measurements are adding up. You don't have any health problems and it looks like you're going to have a healthy pregnancy. Your due date is October 3rd." I grin. For the first time since I found out, I'm actually excited about this. Pregnancy is kind of a magical thing, you know? And even though I'm only eighteen and I have to cut my life in half for this, it's still pretty magical. There is a little person inside of me who is someday gonna form into a bigger person, a person with feelings and hobbies and friends. I wonder if Freddie feels the same way. I glance over at him and his eyes meet mine, sending my stomach into a million little butterflies. I smile. You know, it can only go up from here...

**I hope you liked this chapter! If you're going to read this, please take a few seconds to review and tell me what you thought!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Sorry I'm posting this so late at night, I had a lot of shit to do today. **

"Sam?" Carly yells up the stairs.

"I'm in-" My dialogue is interrupted by a churning feeling in my stomach. I grip the sides of the toilet, sighing and puking my brains out. "the bathroom." I groan and turn on my side, probably getting puke all over the Shay's rug. I'm too sick to care.

"What's wrong?" Carly asks as she enters the bathroom. I watch her face immediately go pale, remembering her problem with puke. Which she's not only disgusted by but absolutely terrified of. "Oh...uh...Sam..." Is all she manages to get out before running the hell out of there. I sigh, leaning over the toilet to cough, praying that I don't throw up again.

I try to close my eyes, laying there pathetically on the bathroom floor, waiting for someone to come in and obsess over me, telling me to get in bed with some chicken soup and rest. Like the sick day I never had. I hear a faint knock at the door. _It seems that Jesus has answered my prayers._

"Hey, Sam?" Freddie asks.

I groan and stuff my face into the rug, giving him a muffled "What do you want?"

He comes inside the room and I can already hear him breathing heavily out of his nose, refusing to open his mouth. The nub is a germaphobe just like his mother.

I narrow my eyes at his presence."Go away, Benson." I mumble, hitting his leg softly. I'm too worn out to say anything else. Damn, I can't even hit him properly. "I feel like shit. All because of you." I manage to murmur into the carpet.

Freddie's eyes meet mine and he attempts to smile. "As much as I appreciate the verbal and physical abuse," He pauses. "I think we should talk about something else."

I drag myself up from the rug and collapse on Carly's bed. "Like what." I ask in a monotone voice.

"I don't know. What we're going to do with all of this."

I roll my eyes at his suddenly serious attitude. "What do you want to do, Frednerd?"

He shrugs, lost in thought. I wait for him to continue and tap my fingers on the side of the bed, softly closing my eyes. For some reason, my hand automatically goes to my stomach, a new instinct I have seemingly developed within these past few days. It still sort of hurts my head to think about having a kid living and growing and becoming someone inside of me. Especially to think about whose kid it is.

The nub turns back to me and gives me a sly smile. "I talked to my mom."

I raise my eyebrows at the way he dropped the idea of what we're going to do with all of this, like it's not really settled yet. I notice the fact that he stopped talking about it before I become aware of what he just said. "You did?" I mumble, again in a monotone voice.

Freddie leans his head back on the headboard and rubs his neck. "She didn't kick me out." He manages a small smile. "She'll come around soon enough."

"Yeah? What did she say?" I ask him, nonchalantly moving closer to him, so close that our legs are in touching distance. So close that our legs _are_ touching.

"Well, she believes me, for one."

"And?"

Freddie shrugs and runs a hand through his hair. "We talked for awhile."

I snort. "Cool, Fredbag. Now tell me what actually happened."

He shrugs and tries to play it cool, even though I can tell how uncomfortable he is. Freddie's obviously scared that whatever he's about to say is going to make me put him in a headlock. He glances at me. "My mom isn't the only one who decided this, okay? I had a say in this too, so don't call me a mamas boy because-"

I cut him off, shaking my head. "Shut up, just tell me." I huff. "_Jesus_."

I groan and Freddie leans his head back, lifting up a shoulder. "I was thinking about giving the kid up. To someone who needs it."

I raise an eyebrow. "Like...adoption?" I vaguely remember him saying something about adoption in the car a few days ago, something that I disregarded because I was too busy puking my brains out.

Freddie nods and I gnaw on the inside of my lip, pondering the idea. _Adoption_. So I'd be giving this thing-ahem...this _kid _away to some other people. I would be a mom, but never really a parent. By the time the kid is my age, they'd probably want nothing to do with their birth mom, pissed that I gave them up in the first place.

The first instinct is to tell him no, that we could handle a child perfectly ourselves and I don't want someone else raising my kid. But I dunno...adoption seems sort of like the right thing to do. I'm eighteen and knocked up, coming from a bad home life and absolutely no money. Once the baby is born, Freddie and I would have to find somewhere else to live, I'm sure Carly and Spencer wouldn't appreciate a screaming baby in their apartment. We'd be broke and unhappy and neither of us would ever get a decent college education. We would be stuck raising this thing for the next two decades, completely unprepared and uneducated. We aren't ready to be parents. There are thousands of people out there who _are_ ready, though. Maybe it would be good to give this baby to them. Someone who deserves it, someone who wants it. I turn to Freddie, my eyes focused on his. "I don't know." I mumble, not wanting to get his hopes up. I _never_ want to get Freddie's hopes up. "It seems like a pretty good idea."

He looks surprised, shocked even. His eyes widen as soon as he hears me say that. "You sure?"

I shrug and nod my head. I hear a relieved sigh coming from Freddie, who even has a small smile on his face. "I don't want to bring this on to you too fast." He pauses and I raise an eyebrow. By saying that, he _is_ bringing it on to me too fast. "But last night I did some research-" He reaches to the nightstand and grabs his laptop. I laugh. The nerd brings that thing everywhere.

I've never seen Freddie look so accomplished. It's actually kind of adorable. He seems overly excited about this, typing fast on the computer and turning it toward me. "Here." He says, holding it out to me. I grasp his laptop and nod at the screen which shows about fifty couples, all who want to adopt a child. Leave it to Freddork to find this nubby website.

"Hmm..." I mumble. "These people aren't too bad. Except for the greedy bastards who already have four kids." I roll my eyes and Freddie grins. My breath hitches in my throat and I tug on my lip with my teeth, trying to ignore the butterflies that spread to my stomach instantly. I abruptly turn away from him, taking a deep breath and trying to get my heart to settle down. Goddammit, he makes me a fucking sap. I almost consider turning to him right now and just kissing the living daylights out of him. Is that bad, to want that? To want someone so bad and so..._randomly_? I take another glance at him and decide that it is bad. Very bad.

When I finally decide it's okay to look back at Freddie, he is raising one eyebrow, giving me an amused look. "Well?"

I shrug. "I'm not deciding anything today, Benson."

He twists the corners of his mouth into a small smile and nods. "Fair enough."

We stay there in silence for a few minutes. It's not an awkward silence, it's comfortable. I guess that's a good word to describe things as they are. Comfortable.

I wonder how much longer I'll be able to hide this. My stomach is slightly bulged out, but not enough for anyone to notice, or even guess that I'm pregnant. I still have no idea what to tell anyone. iCarly airs tomorrow, I know Carly and I will keep it cool. It can't be too hard to hide this, especially when what I have to say is already scripted. As for school, I have no idea. It's not like I can stand in front of Ridgeway with a bullhorn and exclaim to the entire school that I am having this nubs baby. I'd probably rather cut my own head off and keep it in a freezer like Charles Dingo.

I'm getting sidetracked here, what I really should be thinking about is adoption. I hardly know anything about it. I mean, I've seen the lameass movies and t.v shows where everyone acts like adoption is the biggest deal, but completely ignores the fact that they even had a kid once they give it up. I feel like that's all bullshit. I need to pick a damn good couple for this kid. I'm gonna make sure that my kid has a fucking great life, but that doesn't mean I'll pretend it didn't happen. Whether we want it or not, this baby is gonna be a part of our lives, and there's nothing we can do to stop it.

My thoughts are interrupted by Freddie's quiet voice, breaking the peaceful silence of the room. "Hey, Sam?"

"Hmm?"

His voice is breathy and raspy. "Are things between us-are they they same as they always were? Because I swear to God..." He drifts off in his sentence, his eyes fixated on the floor. My lips seem to be stuck together and I can't speak. I can't even think about how my stomach is churning or my head is spinning because he's figured this out...and I'm not gonna be the first one to admit it.

"What do you mean?" My voice cracks and I curse myself for it. Does he know...what I think he knows?

"You've haven't actually hurt me in..." Freddie pauses, seemingly lost in thought. "Four days." He seems astonished when he realizes this, widening his eyes. "Shit, that's long." He mumbles under his breath.

"I'll punch you in the face if you want." I reply in a completely serious tone.

I watch the corners of his lips turn into a smile and then quickly turn back into a fine line. "Answer my question, would you?"

"I don't know, Benson." I mumble, looking to the opposite direction of him.

"Sam." He scolds. I try to keep my breathing persistent and I decide to let what I want to say out. It can't be that bad. We're already fucked. We're already in a bad situation and there's pretty much nothing else that could go wrong. It's about time I tell him. Once I tell him, I tell him. It's over with. He deserves to know by now. I've known Freddie basically my whole life and he's stuck around then. This can't make it any different. I sigh. I know that I'm lying to myself here._ Yeah, me being completely head over heels in love with him can't make any difference whatsoever. _I feel like a complete sap, some seventh grade girl who thinks she's in love. I have never felt this way about anyone or anything. Shit, I think I love him more than meat. And that is saying a lot. I glance at Freddie and the second I look into his pleading eyes, I just break. I break any reputation I have ever set as myself. I break and I sound like every single over dramatic teenage girl at Ridgeway. I break and I know that nothing can stop me from saying what I'm about to say, and I realize what I'm about to say and that not even _I_ can stop me from saying it. So I take a deep breath and say it.

"I may or may not be in love with you, if that's what you're asking."


	6. Chapter 6

**Sorry I didn't get a chance to update this on Monday or Wednesday. This week was pretty awful and stressful, and to top it off my laptop crashed and I had to write this entire chapter in the notes of my phone. So that would be why.**

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><p><em>-Flashback-<em>

_"A-Are you sure you wanna...?" Freddie sputters. I make out his eyes in the dark as I feel more sweat tumble down my forehead. The sheet on this bed is extremely itchy and I can hardly stand it anymore. _

_"Yes, Benson. Shut up and-" I let my lips move to his ear, whispering as goosebumps erupt over his body. "-fuck me." This whole thing is so out of character for both of us, laying on some bed in...who's house are we at? Brad's...maybe...? Wherever we are, we're both a drunken mess and Freddie is no longer wearing a shirt. I'm too smashed to notice if I'm still wearing mine. My head is spinning so much that I can't think straight and I realize what we're about to do. Whatever alcohol that's running through my blood stream must have taken away my conscience, because I feel nothing. I don't even think about what I'm doing as I scrape my nails over his torso, running my hands down his abs. He mocks my actions with his own hands, which causes a small breathy moan to slip out of my lips._

_I feel Freddie's hot breath on my face as his lips come in contact with mine. The kiss is messy as he slips his warm tongue between my lips and I do the same, demanding entrance into his mouth. Our tongues battle for a moment as he continues to run his hands over any unclothed skin he can find. I let a small moan slip out of my mouth, still completely unaware of what I'm actually doing. Or what I'm about to do, for that matter. My body is into it, but I still am having trouble processing what's actually happening in my head. All I know is that I'm laying on an itchy comforter in the middle of God knows who's house, Freddie on top of me. And even underneath all the alcohol, I'm sort of...enjoying it. Holy chiz._

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><p>Freddie didn't even have to speak, he just had to kiss me to let me know how he feels. My heart is racing and I tighten my arms around his neck, pulling us closer together. His warm tongue hits the tip of my lip and I take a chance, letting it enter my mouth. He does the same with my own tongue and cracks his eyes open, glancing at me. I can instantly tell how nervous he is, just by the emotion in his eyes. The nub's an open book.<p>

This kiss is nothing like the hundreds of times he messily pushed his lips onto mine that night. This one is much cleaner, no sweat or panting added to the mix. It's also much more...us? We're both sober and we actually want to do this. We're not making out because of teenage hormones or the want to kiss somebody. As far as I know, it's because he actually agrees with what I just said. Maybe he's kissing me because he's in lo-like with me too. As soon as I finished talking, Freddie just simply leaned over to me and pressed his lips onto mine, his hands immediately going to my waist. I hardly had time to process what was happening until it _was_ happening. My arms are wrapped around his neck and it almost feels...nice. Other than the fact that, you know, I'm kissing a nub.

Freddie pulls away and I watch his lips curl into a smile as he looks down, refusing to make eye contact with me. "Sorry for..." He clears his throat and glances up. "Uh..."

"It's fine." I reply quickly. His hands are still wrapped around my waist, and it doesn't seem like he has any intention of moving them. It's kind of nice to have him so close to me. I take advantage of it and pull him closer, smiling in his direction. Freddie refuses to make eye contact with me, and I almost laugh at how embarrassed he seems to be.

His eyes meet mine before he quickly glances down at the ground, seemingly afraid to make eye contact with me. "I uh-what you said about you being..." He trails off and gnaws on his bottom lip, looking at the floor and loosening his grip on my waist. "I um, I feel the same way."

I have to chuckle at how he said that. Like I wouldn't have guessed by the way he basically attacked me two seconds after I finished talking. I bite my lip and look over at him, a sly smile on my face. He looks adorable, standing there all nervous and chiz. I can't help but wonder what my relationship with him would be if we hadn't slept together. Damn, I don't know what our relationship is like right now. I lo-like him...yeah. And I just told him this. He sort of told me it back, in a nerdy, nervous kind of way. But still...sort of.

Freddie hesitantly opens his mouth again. "Sam?" He muses, crossing his arms over his chest.

"Yeah?" I ask, slowly stepping closer to him.

"Do you really think we can do this?" He whispers, glancing up at me hesitantly. The whole mood of the room changes as he stares at the floor, toying with the hem of his shirt. I gnaw on my lip as I think of what Freddie just asked.

I sit back down on the bed, glaring at the comforter. Do I really think we can do this? No. Not really. Kind of...I don't know. We're young and we're obviously not the best decision makers in the world. We screwed up. But I know Freddie's head is in the right place...and mine is too...for the most part. We're gonna do the best we can to find a hell of a good couple for this kid, and I'm proud to say that. I know for a fact that our child will be getting off easy, growing up with both parents and money and happiness and everything that Freddie and I couldn't provide. We're gonna do our best to give our kid a good life. We're both completely capable of surviving through this. It can't be _that_ hard.

I finally look up at Freddie, who seems to be lost in thought as well. "I don't know." I mumble, shaking him out of whatever trance he was in. I shrug. "I guess so."

"I'm just afraid that..." He gulps, glancing over at me. "What if my own kid never even gets to know me?"

"Maybe we'll be able to see the kid a few times a year." I squeak pathetically. My heart pounds in my chest as I ponder what Freddie is saying. I'm not especially fond of the idea of becoming a mom...but I don't really have a choice. When I have this baby, I want it to be happy. That's all that I should be worried about, the baby's happiness. Not my own. Freddie shrugs and rocks back on his feet. I let my hand graze over my stomach, glancing down. There really is a kid inside there, and to be honest, it terrifies the shit out of me. There's some little thing growing inside of me...a mix of Fredward and I. I have so many questions about this whole thing, and I'm _scared_. I'm scared shitless because this isn't just the kind of thing that is gonna blow over.

Another question suddenly pops in my head and I know nothing better than to blurt it out to Frednard, hoping for some sort of answer. "What if we-what if we have second thoughts? I don't want to get the whole adoption set up only to blow it off in the end. What if we see the baby and we know that the only thing that will feel right is keeping it? Then what?" I mumble, looking up at Freddie with wide eyes. He wraps his arms around me, a small gesture that means so much and makes my heart skip a beat.

"We should just do what's best...for the baby." He murmurs, tightening his arms around me. "It's gonna be hard, but we've got no choice."

I twist the corners of my mouth into a confused smirk, letting my eyelids softly flutter down as I push Freddie off me and collapse on the bed. I yank my eyes open again and glance up at him. I never imagined that this would be so hard. I thought being pregnant meant...well, I don't really know what I thought it meant. I'm young and stupid and I never even take time to ponder what I'm having for breakfast, and now all the sudden I'm having a baby? I just never thought that it would be so difficult. There's so many decisions to make. So many decisions that I'm too young and careless to even be bothered by. Ugh. So many fucking decisions.

He pulls me out of my trance, his voice echoing in the otherwise silent room. "I love you." Freddie mumbles, his voice deep and almost...poetic. My heart stops beating for a second and I can hardly breathe. I turn my head to look at him, a sly smile on my face. Maybe this is gonna be hard, and there's nothing I can do about it. But for the first time in my life, I actually wholeheartedly believe an 'I love you'. I know I can trust Freddie, and I know he isn't gonna leave me. Right now I am completely aware that this pregnancy is gonna be suckish, but I'm also aware that Freddie is gonna be there through the entire thing. And I guess that's why I am certain that I love him back. Our eyes lock and I smile at him, taking a deep breath.

"I-I love you, too."

I guess this is the first time in my life that I know for a fact that I am not alone.

And that feels pretty damn good.

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><p><strong>I hope there's not too many errors in this, I tried to edit it as much as I could on my phone! Thanks for reading, reviews are greatly appreciated! <strong>


	7. Chapter 7

**Nearly a month without updating.**

**And the award for the worst procrastinator _goes to..._**

**I'm sorry guys. Honestly, it won't happen again. I seriously had so much going on this past month and I had a bit of writers block for this story. I'll try to get back on to updating twice a week.**

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><p><strong>"<strong>Hey, baby. I got you-" Freddie lifts up a plastic bag, a wide grin on his face. "pickles!"

I raise an eyebrow at him, crossing my arms over my chest as he climbs into the drivers seat. "I asked for ham."

"I know, but I thought you might be craving pickles." He grimaces. "Pregnant people usually crave pickles."

I shrug, tearing the bag away from him. "I crave anything. Give mama some pickles."

He smiles before nodding distantly and pressing down on the gas, a sour look coming to his face. We're heading to the adoption agency to talk over our plan and "pick out" the adoptive parents. I'm so nervous that my hands are shaking. Freddie apparently senses this easily and runs his hand over mind, our eyes meeting. I gulp, running a hand through my hair. How do you decide who to give your kid to? You can know their address and what they look like, but you never will really know them. And honestly, that scares me shitless.

I groan, resting my head on the back of my seat, my heart pounding hard in my chest. "Fredward?" I grumble, refusing to meet his gaze.

"Yeah?" He replies, looking away to continue driving.

"How do you just...decide who give your kid to?" I ponder, grasping his hand. It sort of still boggles my mind to think that in only seven months I'm gonna have a kid, a kid who is gonna be raised by someone else.

Freddie doesn't answer the question, he just meets my gaze and sighs. "You sure you wanna do this? Cause really, we don't have to if-"

I roll my eyes. Like we're just gonna turn around right now and make a new decision. "God, you're oblivious." I remark, glaring at him.

"Geez, Sam. I was just trying to-"

I cut him off, stretching my feet out flatly in front of me. "If anyone's unsure about this, it's you."

"What are you talking about? I was the one who told you about adoption in the first place!" Freddie yells with a raspy voice.

I know that I'm being irrational, but that doesn't stop me from continuing to speak, my voice horse with emotion. "I'm not only talking about the adoption, Freddie. I'm talking about everything. Stop acting like your life is so hard just because you got some girl pregnant. Stop being so _selfish_." I sneer.

Confusion builds up on his face before he draws his eyebrows together and glances at me. "Look, Sam, you're not just some girl. I _love_ you." He grumbles.

"Yeah, right..." I trail off.

"Why is it so hard for you to see?" Freddie asks. His voice is filled with anger which automatically gets me fired up. I'm pissed. There is no reason why he should be messing with me. I'm naturally angry and being pregnant just makes my anger issues a thousand times worse; he should know that.

"Because..." I murmur, my voice quickly getting louder as I search for the right words to say. "Because you-you don't. Honestly, just tell me the real reason why you love me all of the sudden. Seriously, Freddie-" My voice cracks and I bite my lip, trying to fight the words that are about to come out of my mouth, but they come out anyway, loud and messy and regretful. "If I wasn't knocked up would you _love_ me?"

"Yes!" Freddie yells. "I've always _fucking_ loved you." He doesn't say it sweetly. He sneers the words, his voice harsh. I groan, wondering why either of us are being so unbelievably difficult. But that doesn't stop me from sneering right back at him. He should _know_ by now. He should know how fucking insecure I am and how delicate my trust is. He should know.

"You live-you live in this fantasy world where everything is perfect and wonderful and we're gonna be in love forever, right? Well guess what, Fredward? That isn't life. Not everything is gonna be as fantastic as you expect it to be." I groan. My voice returns small and weak and I immediately hate myself for it. "You're not always gonna be here for me."

"At least I'm here for you in the first place!" He yells and my breath hitches in my throat. It took me years to find trust in him, trust that he would never leave me and...he just told me that I'm lucky he's here? My eyes nearly well up with tears until I remember who I am, who I'm talking to. I cross my arms over my chest and shove an entire pickle in my mouth, loudly chewing.

Silence fills the car for a moment and I only hear the slight rumble of the engine until I finally decide to speak up, swallowing and clearing my throat. "Freddie..." I mumble softly, "You're-you're not the only one who's scared. I'm terrified, alright? I'm fucking terrified for every single step of this process!" I pause for a second, wanting to stop talking, but I don't. My mouth keeps moving and the words spilling off my tongue are no longer in my control. "Dammit, Fredward. Whatever you're going through, I'm going through a thousand times worse. All you've got is the fact that you've knocked me up. Yeah? Well I have to wear it. Everyone is gonna know, and everyone is gonna judge me for it. I can't just pretend like this isn't happening, because it _is_ happening! Whether either of us want it or not, it's fucking _happening_!" I finally finish, my face flushed. I'm breathing heavily as I sneak one more look at Freddie, whose hands are tightened on the wheel.

His eyes widen upon hearing this and I cross my arms over my chest. He knows I'm scared but it surprised him that I just came out and admitted it like that. To be honest, it surprised me too. "S-Sam..." He murmurs hesitantly, reaching out for my arm. A moment of silence passes through us as he searches for the right words to say, his voice soft and angelic..._sort of_. "Hey, look at me." He pauses to run a hand through his hair. "I'm sorry, baby. I-I didn't mean that."

I sneer at him, turning my head the opposite direction and refusing to make eye contact. Sorry means nothing to me and he knows this. The damage has been done. "Sorry means nothing." I finally mumble, still fighting his gaze. He shouldn't of said anything if he didn't want me to be pissed. I scoff. This is exactly why I don't let anyone in. I end up freaking out to them and they freak out right back, turning our relationship into one ongoing fight after another.

I don't say a word until we get there, just gnaw on pickles until we enter the parking lot and Freddie reaches over to put his hand on mine. I pull it away and get out of the car, slamming the door behind me.

I quickly walk inside the adoptive services building, almost blinded by the amount of white that is sprawled out everywhere. Almost everything in the building is white. It makes me feel I died and went to heaven...some sort of weird baby heaven. Except...it's really not heaven at all. Just a bunch of paperwork we need to fill out and pictures of aimless couples who want a kid that we have to choose from. Pretty much the opposite of heaven if you ask me.

I sigh, plopping down on the plastic chair as I avoid making eye contact with Fredweird as he sits down next to me, his eyes filled with worry. "Sam..." He mumbles. "I honestly-I don't know why I said that."

I shrug and cross my legs as he puts his head in his hands and sighs. To say I'm pissed would be an understatement. I'm furious. If Freddison thinks he can just come in here with his pathetic little comments and I'll forgive him...then he's wrong. Really fucking wrong.

He hurt me. See, this is why I was hesitant about trusting him. Because I knew he would _hurt_ me.

A small brunette woman with a wide smile walks up to the desk and grins, sitting down on the other side. "Hello, Samantha and Fredward. My name is Jessica and I'm going to be your adoption counselor." She offers her hand to both of us and I force a smile at her, straightening my back in the chair. "I understand that this decision can be hard for you, and I'm going to be here every step of the way to go over your options."

Freddie and I both nod as I glare at him. Jessica hands us both a long white paper with tons of blank spaces and I silently groan. They want all my information, half of which _I_ don't even know about myself.

The counselor smiles slyly at us. "Do you two think you will end up choosing adoption?"

Just as I'm about to make eye contact with Freddie I'm reminded of what he said and the fact that we're not currently speaking. Or I'm not speaking to him. Same difference. I softly nod at Jessica and she gives us another smile, which is kind of starting to annoy me. "It's very selfless, what you're doing. It's one of the hardest things you'll ever have to do, but I can promise you that it _will_ be worth it."

"Yeah?" I hear Freddie mutter. "When?"

She takes a minute to ponder this, biting the edge of her lip. "When you see your child grow up..._happy_." She says brightly, pausing to see our reactions before handing us another paper. "Here are some of the couples that are looking into adoption. You two have a few weeks to take these home and come down to the top possible parents for your child."

Both me and Freddie eye the paper nervously and part of me wants to reach out and grip his hand and just forget about this. We sort of..._need_ each other to get through this and us being pissed at one another is doing nothing to help our situation. Still, I don't grab his hand, or even acknowledge his existence. I just nod at Jessica and stack the list of people in my own hands, slowly sliding off the chair. "Thanks." I murmur as I nod to Jessica and Freddie and I make our way out of the building.

I argue with myself the whole way out. I _want_ to talk to him again...but why? So he can just go and say something like that again? So I can feel insecure about our relationship for the rest of my life? I grip the car door when I realize that I have a problem. I have a commitment issue. I would never, ever admit this out loud but I know it's true. After being fucked over by almost everyone in my life, it's kind of what I started to expect. What Freddie said wasn't even terrible, it just hurt me because it took me so long to open my walls for him. And for someone to say something like that...it just stings.

_Sigh_. There's no reason why I should be pissed at this. I'll let it run it's course, but is that one comment really something to lose sleep over? No. We're stuck in this together with no choice, mind as well make the best of it.

Or at least try.

* * *

><p><strong>I apologize that this chapter is so incredibly boring. Wednesday's shall be a little more interesting.<strong>

**Review, please!**


	8. Chapter 8

**Hey, you guys. So it's actually been exactly a year today since I updated this. I am so, so incredibly sorry to keep everyone waiting like this. Last year was a really tough year, and although that is definitely not a credible excuse, it should count for something. I completely understand if no one reads this ever again, but I figured I might as well update and give it a chance.**

"_Carly_!" I yell as I stand in her bathroom, eagerly waiting for her to come in. "Carly!" I holler again. When she doesn't respond within 30 seconds, I collapse on the bathroom floor, deflated.

"Sam? Is everything okay?"

I don't bother getting up, I just tip my head back to stare at the boy behind me. "Where's Carly?" I ask, annoyed. I've been generally aggravated with Freddie since our spat yesterday. I told myself that I was overreacting, but that isn't going to make me apologize and move on. What he said was wrong, and believe it or not, actually hurt me. It could be the hormones or it could be the fact that Fredwad is a completely naive at certain times, but he hurt me. That doesn't go unnoticed.

"Went to get smoothies with Spencer." He says before raising his eyebrows at me. "Any reason you're laying on the bathroom floor screaming her name?"

"None of your damn business." I grumble, using all of my remaining energy to drag myself off the floor. I push past Freddie and somehow make it to Carly's room, where I collapse on her bed.

Unfortunately, Fredward follows me. He lays next to me and takes my hand in his, which I reluctantly pull away.

"Come on Sam! You're not still mad at me for what I said yesterday?"

I sneer, turning the opposite way. "Excuse me for being a rational person! I'm sorry that you couldn't get your head out of your ass and-"

He cuts me off before the argument gets ugly, propping himself up with his arm. "Sam." He says softly. "I love you."

"What, are you afraid to apologize or something? It's not going to kill you to admit that you did something wrong, Fredward. This isn't a chick flick, you can't just tell me you love me and expect me to ignore everything your dipshit ass said to me yesterday! You know what? I think you're the one who should feel-"

He interrupts my aimless rant for real this time, crashing his lips against mine and pulling me in. I'm almost out of breath from the speech I hardly realized I was making and I let out a squeak as his hands scoop me up and his tongue meets mine. Just as I'm about to let my own tongue in his mouth, I hear a high pitched screech coming from the door.

I pull away from Freddie's embrace sheepishly, turning to face Carly.

"You guys!" She yells, smoothie in hand. Her other hand is being used to shield her face from the apparently repulsive sight in front of her.

"Sorry." Freddie murmurs.

I don't bother to apologize, just respond with a soft "Hey, Carls."

"Can you guys please refrain from doing _that_ on my bed?" She asks in a disgusted tone.

I shrug. "Come on, join us." I pat the end of the bed. "Let's talk."

Carly shakes her head. "I'm going downstairs to do some homework, but if I come in here to _this_ again, both of you are going home."

I give her a pointed look. "I live here."

"Good point." She yells. "But not for long if you keep that up." With a hand through her hair and a soft smile, she's out the door.

I slouch more and allow Freddie to once again wrap his arm around me, his hand ending up drawing soft circles on my stomach.

I smile up at him and he leans in closer. "We okay, Sam?"

"Yeah..." I mumble.

I let silence pass between us for a few moments, closing my eyes softly and leaning my head on his chest. I can't help but feel exhausted, helpless...scared. I'm tired and confused about virtually everything.

It seems like my every thought is preoccupied with questions. What if I actually want to keep this child? The thought alone makes my breath hitch in my throat. I know that keeping the baby would be almost impossible, but today, staring in the bathroom mirror for what felt like ages, I noticed how my stomach bulges out at the bottom, giving me a tiny bump.

A _baby_ bump.

It made everything seem real all over again. It's not going to stop there, my stomach is going to continuously grow and people will notice. It will become obvious and as much as I hate to admit it, I'll become attached. For what? So I can give my child away and never see it again?

My voice comes out hoarse and tense and I immediately hate myself for it. "You can tell, you know."

"What?"

I swat Freddie's hands off my stomach and lift my shirt up, showcasing my barely there bump.

"Hey..." Freddie laughs "You can." His hand covers mine and he pulls me in. "You wanna look through the possible adoptive couples now?"

I answer firmly. "No."

He doesn't respond at first and I'm happy enough with that. I try to close my eyes again but realize that I'm worrying myself too much. It's no use. No matter how many times I turn my head away or try to get comfortable, my mind returns to the same thing.

Freddie apparently sense this. "Are you okay, baby?"

"Just tired."

He doesn't buy it. "What's on your mind?"

"My mom." I mumble without even noticing. I almost regret it, until I realize how much I need to get this out. "You know...I-I had a really rough childhood."

"Yeah, Sam. I know."

I shake my head. "You don't. Not even the beginning of it. My mom had boyfriends over that would do" I shudder. "bad things. I don't know why I'm telling you this, Freddie. I honestly don't. But uh, it was bad. I-"

His eyes lock with mine and his tone comes out harsh. I grimace. "_God_, Sam. Why didn't you tell me? Does anybody know this? What about-"

"Fredward!" I exclaim. "Stop, alright? It's over now. Just let me get to my actual point."

His eyes are filled with anger and worry. I reassuringly place my hand over his and give it a tiny squeeze. "I don't want my kid to grow up without ever hearing the words 'I love you'. I don't want my kid to be afraid of me, I don't want them to dread coming home every day!"

"Our child isn't going to feel any of those things, Sam. They'll be with a good loving family who will give them everything we can't."

"What can't we give? What, money? I had no money, but damn if somebody in that house actually loved me, not in a sick, twisted way, it wouldn't matter!"

"Come on," Freddie gets up from the bed and straightens his shirt. "let's take a walk."

"A walk?"

I ignore how exhausted I am, knowing that I'm in desperate need of fresh air anyway.

"Yeah." He reaches out for my hand. "Let's go."

* * *

><p>We walked for a long time, no matter that it's late on a Tuesday night in March. I gaze out the window of the rusty coffee shop we somehow ended up and sigh. Taking a sip of my lukewarm coffee, I hesitantly lift up the stack of papers our adoption counselor handed us yesterday. "Woah." I mumble. "This is...<em>a lot<em> of people."

I feel overwhelmed for a minute as I cross my arms over my chest and let out a breath of air I didn't know I was ever holding in. I can do this. I'm gonna _have_ to do this.

Freddie and I talked about this. A lot. I understand its something that we're going to have to do, but I can't help but feel guilty about it. My mom never raised me, my dad was never there. I want give my kid a family with two parents and no complications. But there _is_ going to be complications with us. We're broke and young and not fit out to be parents. At least not right now.

Freddie presses his hand over mine and gives it a small squeeze. "Okay..." I mutter. "First couple."

He begins to read each couples information. "Jessica and Tyler, one kid, San Fransisco."

"No."

"_Sam_!" Freddie groans. "That was only the first one!"

I huff. "Fine, go on."

"Grace and Chris, no kids..."

I yank the paper from his hands and skim it, looking on to all of their vacation pictures. "No, look at the way they're smiling in this picture. It kind of freaks me out."

Freddie rolls his eyes but continues reading. "Kelly and Ron-"

I crinkle my nose before he can even finish. "I ain't giving my kid to a guy named Ron."

"Okay..." He grumbles. "Veronica and David. No kids, but they've got a dog."

I grab the paper from him again and immediately rummage through the pictures. They have multiple pictures of them on the beach, their dog on the beach, Veronica's beloved baby nephew on the beach. Their smiles seem genuine and sweet, and for some reason this couple stands out to me. Her smile is bright and inviting and her hair is made up of untamed brown curls. His hair is straight and brown and his smile is small, promising.

I continue looking at pictures and reading their information, pausing mid sentence, I look up at Freddie with big eyes. "Freddie!" I exclaim. "Shit, look! She's got an identical twin!"

He moves in closer and nods encouragingly. "Woah...she does."

"I like them." I decide and watch Freddie grin and wrap an arm around me lazily. I smile back at him and place a hand on my stomach, slightly pressing down. I try to keep my breathing steady as I think about what is actually best for the baby. I think of Veronica and David and how happy they looked in all those photos. These are two people who have wanted a kid for years and never got one. I'm a completely unprepared teenager who fucked up at a party and I've got one on the first try. Shaking my head, I realize how unfair that is. Unfair how my mother, a woman who has never thought of anyone but herself her entire life, had two kids with a man she was engaged to for barely a week. Unfair that I was even born.

I know they deserve a kid more than I do. But I don't think I can bring myself to give them mine. I resist the urge to tell Freddie this. My heart sinks as I grip his hand and bring it to my stomach. "There it is." I murmur. "_Our_ baby." I emphasize the first word and his hand covers mine.

"Our baby." Freddie repeats obliviously. "And you're my baby." He leans in to kiss me but I shake my head.

My voice comes out just about as small as I feel. "I don't think I can do this."

**This served basically as a filler chapter, but I tried to get some information in it. Please, if you did read it, leave a review and let me know what you thought. Reviews really help me with my writing, and since this one hasn't been updated for so long, I'm egar to know if I should keep updating it or not. Thanks for reading :)**


	9. Chapter 9

I'm jolted awake by my phone ringing. My hands groggily search for it, feeling around the bed. "There it is..." I murmur, placing the phone to my ear. Before I can even say hello, there's talking on the other line.

"Sam?! Can you put mom on the phone?"

I immediately recognize Melanie's distressed voice, causing me to sit up straighter. "I'm- I'm not with her."

She seems exasperated by this statement. "What? Why not?!"

"She kicked me out..." I rub my eyes. "Look, Mel, is everything okay?"

Melanie disregards the first statement, crying loudly into the phone. "No! You didn't hear? She's in the hospital, Sam!"

"The hospital?" I ask, alarmed. "What happened?"

"I dunno.." She uneasily says. "I-I think she OD'd." Her voice is small and sad, which makes me sneer. Of course Melanie is going to be extremely emotional about this. My mom actually loves Mel, never failing to let us know who the favorite daughter is. It used to hurt. Now it just angers me.

"God dammit." I exhale into the phone.

"I'm at the airport now, okay? I'm gonna be in Seattle by 11, you gotta pick me up from the airport." I roll my eyes as I hear Melanie take the phone away from her mouth, giving me an earful of muffled airport chatter. "My planes boarding now." She sniffles. "Go to the hospital and check up on her, Sam. I'm really...really worried."

"I will." I grumble.

"I'll see you in four hours, okay?"

I give her a half assed 'okay', but she still doesn't hang up.

"Thanks Sam. Love you."

I just mumble "Yep." before collapsing back on the bed. I'm so overwhelmed by the situation that my eyes well up with tears. I force them away as I hear a loud knock at the bedroom door.

Carly walks in and her face immediately falls. "You're not ready yet? School starts in fifteen minutes! I thought we agreed that since you're pregnant you'd be going to school as much as you can-"

I cut her off. "Carls...my mom is in the hospital."

"The hospital?!" She exclaims. "Why?"

"I don't know! They didn't even call me to let me know, they called Melanie! She's the one who told me. I don't know anything!" I yell, and Carly looks startled. I didn't mean to scream at her like that, I just meant to scream at the world like that.

"God." She says. "I'm sorry, Sam."

I shake my head. "Don't be."

"Um...well okay, let's go then...to the hospital." She says uneasily. I feel bad for dragging her into all of this. I remind myself to apologize over and over again later, not now. I'm too nauseous to open my mouth.

A whirlwind of moments go by before we leave the Bushwell parking lot. I'm taking deep breaths with my head in my hands, trying desperately not to let this affect me. I pretend like that isn't completely impossible.

Carly hands her phone to me. "You wanna call Freddie and let him know what's going on?" I reluctantly nod and press the call button.

He answers on the first ring. "Freddie?" I say softly.

"Sam? Why are you calling me on Carly's' phone?"

"My mom's in the hospital."

"What?" He gasps. "Holy shit..."

"Carly and I are on our way, Melanie's flying in. I don't know exactly why yet, just please..." I trail off in attempt to keep my voice from cracking. "Please come."

"Yeah, yeah okay, baby. I'll be there. Give me 20 minutes."

I nod even though he can't see me, hanging up the phone and letting my head fall in my hands. Carly rubs my back softly. I turn my head from her and bite my lip. Hopefully she can't see my eyes welling up with tears, or hear my loud, uneven breathing. I don't want her to see me in such despair over a woman who's never given two shits about me.

I don't have any more time to think about this, considering we just arrived to the hospital. I groan and grasp my stomach, muttering the words. "I think I'm gonna puke."

Carly eyes me. "Please try not to, Sam. At least not right now."

I raise an eyebrow and purse my lips, afraid that if I open my mouth I'd throw up. Carly parks the car and I shakily get out, trying to regain composure as we walk through the ER doors.

"Pam Puckett." Carly says clearly. She seems too calm, so calm that it almost scares me. I'm not used to her being so easy going in times of crisis. I'm usually the one that pretends that everything is okay when she freaks out. Our roles are switched and it makes me...uneasy.

The receptionist replies with a simple "Room 102B."

"Is she okay?" I eagerly ask, leaning on the table.

The woman behind the counter shrugs. "Miss, I suggest you talk to a doctor-"

"I'm asking you!" I exclaim. "Is my mother okay?"

"I would suggest that you do not raise your voice. Make a right at the door to talk to a physician, Miss."

"But-"

Carly cuts me off with a yank of my arm. She says my name sternly. "Let's go talk to a doctor, okay?"

I sniffle and wipe away a tear I wasn't aware I'd cried. "O-okay."

We reach the room and I immediately look away from the front door, instead studying the intricate tiling on the wall. "I can't look in there, Carly." I mumble. "I really can't. Can-can you talk to someone?"

She nods and disappears, in search for a doctor. I crouch to the ground and take deep breaths. When I remember why I'm nearly having an anxiety attack, I only become more nervous. I shouldn't be freaking out like this over my mother, a woman who I have pretended to never care about. I refuse to let myself think about it anymore, taking deeper breaths and trying to escape reality. I hardly feel Carly's warm hand cupping my back. "Sam." She says. Her voice sounds strong and I shake my head at the fact. This all seems so out of place.

"Your mom just about overdosed on heroin." There is no trace of sympathy in Carly's voice, she says it just as though its a simple, well known fact.

I turn the opposite direction so she doesn't have to see my tired eyes. "Is she dead." I ask as though it isn't even a question. Carly shakes her head.

"She's not dead, Sam. She's just...unconscious."

I crouch down farther, sliding my back against the wall and slamming my head back into my hands. I hear Freddie approach and Carly's voice yielding him. I almost make out their muffled whispering, swearing that I hear Carly say something close to "Leave her alone right now. It's what she needs."

I stay in the same position as before, except somewhere along my hand covered my stomach, rubbing down slightly. I tell my baby that its okay, and everything is gonna work out fine. I should probably tell myself that too, but I can't help but be unsure. Carly said my mom is unconscious. Isn't that just a better way to say she's in a coma? A heroin induced coma. I almost sneer at the words and how comfortable they seem in my head. This isn't the first time my mom has ended up in the hospital at her own fault. It happened when I was 6. Her boyfriend took care of Melanie and I while she was sick. That...that was the first time that one of her boyfriends-

"Hi, Sam." Freddie's voice so close to my ear tears me away from my thoughts. "I'm gonna pick up Melanie from the airport now." He rubs the nape of my neck. "You wanna get away from here for a little while? Carly's staying to see if anything happens, don't worry."

I nod slowly, regaining composure as he pulls me to my feet. He doesn't say anything as we walk out to his car and I get in the passenger seat slowly. "It's a lot to handle." He murmurs about 5 miles down the road. I only nod. "I know that, baby. It's okay to show your emotions."

I don't speak.

"You have every right to be upset." Freddie finishes. My only response is a small squeeze of his hand, which I wasn't aware I was holding in the first place.

My ringing phone interrupts the silence. Even though he's driving, Freddie answers it for me. "Hey, Melanie." He says. I lean in to hear her side of the conversation.

"Who's this?" She snarls.

"It's Freddie. We're five minutes away from the airport, what gate are you at?"

"Can you please...please give the phone to my sister?" Freddie turns to me and I give him a small nod. He hands the phone off and I immediately hear Melanie's shaky voice on the other line.

"Sam?" She asks. "H-How is she? Is she okay?"

I take a deep breath before answering her. I need to be strong for my sister. I refuse to let her hear me like this. "She's in a coma." I respond without another thought. I hear Mel's breath hitch on the other end.

"Oh...oh God, Sam." I shut my eyes tight upon hearing this, knowing that I can't possibly be strong enough to answer her without bursting into tears.

Freddie senses this apparently, taking the phone from my hand and talking in the receiver. "We're here. What gate?"

Her voice is too quiet for me to hear. Freddie stops the car and says "Gate 2A, right there." He points inside and sure enough I see Melanie through the door, her lips pursed uneasily and her eyes glassy.

I get out of the car and walk inside, approaching her hesitantly. "Hey." I mumble.

"Sam!" She almost sobs out, immediately wrapping her arms around me. Her hair is in a long, straight ponytail, and her voice hoarse. Her eyes are tender and red.

"Hey, Mel. Listen.." I pull away from her and let her eyes meet mine. "Mom is gonna be okay, alright? It was just a little mess up she had, it'll all be fine."

Her eyes well up with tears at my words and she winds up back in my arms, her sobs slow and steady. This is how I learned to be so strong, because I had to be for Melanie. I have been standing in front of her like this since we were little, patting her back softly from the time I was 6 years old.

"Sammy?" She mumbles innocently.

I don't bother correcting her on my name. "Yeah, Mel?"

"I-I stole money to get this plane ticket. From my roommate. I just needed to get that out. I feel so dirty! I just-I had to do it because I don't wanna-"

Her words don't phase or surprise me. "Melanie..." I warn. "We'll worry about it later. Freddie's waiting out there."

She takes a deep breath and reaches for my hand. I sigh as we get in the car, noticing the way Freddie is eyeing me. He seems to have noticed how I managed to clean myself up so quickly. "Are you feeling a little better, baby?"

"I've gotta be strong." I reach for his hand and place it on my stomach. "For them." I murmur, referring to Melanie and the baby. Mel sniffles from the backseat.

I'm ultimately impressed with myself for gaining composure after seeing Melanie. It's been so long since I had to comfort her like that, yet it's still completely natural to me. Thank God for that. Freddie seems to hear my thoughts, as he mutters "You are so strong, baby."

I attempt to curl up with him even though he's driving, wrapping my left arm around his neck.

"You know, I was wrong" he says in a hushed voice. "to force adoption on you."

I shake my head. "You weren't forcing anything."

He gives me a pointed look and continues talking. "If you want to raise our baby, we're going to raise our baby. I know that we could do it, Sam."

I let that sink in for a second until I hear a loud cry coming from the backseat.

"A BABY?!"

**Aha, hoped you guys liked the chapter! There will be much more where that came from. Remember, reviews mean a lot to me, no matter how short. Go ahead and leave one if you feel like it. Thanks guys!**


	10. Chapter 10

I turn to Melanie sheepishly, giving her a small "Surprise?"

She opens her mouth to say something then slowly shuts it, shaking her head. "I can't believe it..."

"You're not the only one." I mumble. "Why do you think mom kicked me out?"

"Oh." Mel says quietly.

"Yeah." I grumble, stretching my feet out in front of me.

"So...what are you gonna do?"

I turn to Freddie, who shrugs. "I don't know." I answer honestly. My sister raises an eyebrow.

"Wow...I'm uh, I'm sorry."

I laugh, poking Freddie's arm. "It's this nubs fault, not yours."

This forces a small smile out of Melanie, which definitely brightens my spirits. Her cheeks may still be rosy with dried tears, but at least she isn't as bad as when she first got in the car. My number one priority right now is keeping Melanie happy, no matter how many questions swarm through my head. Is my mom gonna be okay? Where's my sister going to stay? What are Freddie and I going to end up doing with the baby? _A million questions about the baby._

Being a pregnant teen is hard enough, but a pregnant teen with a scared twin sister and a drugged up mother? It ain't any better. I sigh, throwing myself a pity party is hardly helping any of this, the same shit is going to happen either way.

We get back to the hospital and pull up to the front of the ER area. "Mom's in the first room to the right, Carly's there too. I'll be right in, okay?"

Melanie nods, gives me a quiet "thanks" and exits the car. This leaves Freddie and I alone. I turn to him with a grimace as he parks.

"I'm scared." I mumble, facing the opposite direction. "I'm _really_ scared, Freddie."

"I know-"

I don't let him finish. "My kid doesn't deserve a life like this." I motion to the hospital. "My kid doesn't deserve everything I come with. Not my angry mother or my insecure sister. I can't even think of an adjective to describe my dad, for gods sake, I've never even met the guy!"

Silence passes between us for a minute. I hate every second of it. "Melanie stole money from her roommate to get that plane ticket." I scowl. "I don't have that kind of money laying around, Fredward. None of us do. Who am I kidding, thinking we can raise a kid? You were right. We're broke! We couldn't last one day with a child. God dammit, how could I be so...so dumb?" I shut my eyes tightly and rest my head in my hands for the 50000th time today.

"You aren't dumb, Sam. I want to raise this kid just as much as you do."

"It...it's not fair." I squeak. Before I know it I'm in his arms once again. "I-I want to call that couple." I decide quietly.

Freddie grips my hands. "You sure?"

I shake my head. "Not at all. But...it's something we have to do."

"Sam." He looks at me sternly. "It's not."

"But it is! I don't want to waste your whole future with this!"

"Disregard every thought you have about my future. I'm gonna stick around, okay? The only person whose future we should be discussing" he rests his hand on my stomach "is this one."

I pout in response. "I don't know what to do!" I exclaim, letting my whole body slam against the dashboard as Freddie rubs my back. "I don't know how to be a mom, Freddie! I never had one, not a _real_ one!"

"Sam." He says softly. "Look how great you are with comforting your sister. I don't have a doubt in my mind when I say that I know you'd be a wonderful mom."

I don't give Freddie the response he wanted, instead I just mumble "I'm gonna throw up" Opening the door, I lean down and blow chunks all over the hospital parking lot.

I wipe my mouth as Freddie rubs my back, his voice coming out soft and melodic. "You alright?"

I nod, but still eagerly land in his warm embrace, shutting my eyes tight so he can't see the tears welling up. "I'm a mess."

"Hey, Sam. Stop it. You've got every right to be a mess. Look how much shit happened today. Just deal with your mom for right now, we'll worry about everything else tomorrow."

I can't help but groan at his somewhat comforting words. I don't want to focus on tomorrow, or today. I don't want to focus on anything.

It kills me to pull away from him as I get out of the car and enter the hospital for the second time today. Sighing, I notice how my moms door is swung open and how Melanie leans in front of her unconscious body, tears streaming down her face. "Momma, how could you do this to yourself again? Why don't you learn?" She whispers. I look at Carly with big eyes as Freddie rests his hand on my shoulder.

"Did...did the doctors say anything?" I ask quietly. She nods.

"They're keeping her unconscious for a little bit to make sure all her levels return to normal. Then she's gonna have to spend a lot of time here in inpatient rehab. They can't let this happen again. She cut it close, Sam. _Really_ close."

I groan at her words. "Great." I mumble, knowing that this means Melanie will have to stay in town for longer than I expected. "Mel and I are gonna have to stay at the house again, I guess."

Both Carly and Freddie eye me. He speaks up. "You're not staying there, Sam."

I roll my own eyes, wondering why it bothers him where I stay. "It's fine, babe. I promise." When he raises an eyebrow, I mutter "Seriously, fine."

Carly shakes her head. "Melanie can stay with me, too. Spencer won't care."

I don't bother reminding her that she doesn't have enough room for both of us. Carly has been nothing but selfless today and I'm so extremely grateful that she held me together when I was about to break. I lock my eyes with hers. "Thanks, Carls. For everything."

Her eyes turn tired again, and for the first time all day I seem to actually recognize her. I rest a comforting hand on her shoulder. "You must be exhausted, come on. Let's go home. You start up the car and I'll get Mel."

She just nods softly and I walk in the hospital room, pulling Melanie into a soft embrace. "They're gonna wake her up soon, don't worry." I offer her a small smile. "She's okay."

Melanie doesn't seem too thrilled by the fact as she storms out of the room, angry tears welling up in her eyes. "WHY does she do this, Sam? She's got two kids and a grandkid on the way! Is she ever gonna learn?"

I don't sugarcoat it for her. "I don't know, Melanie." Wrapping an arm around her, I mumble another. "I don't know."

* * *

><p>I groan, finally getting a chance to get away from everyone else. Things have been extremely hectic since we got home. Spencer has already confused Melanie and I at least six times, and even though he says it's fine, doesn't seem too happy about letting both of us stay here. Carly has been trying to keep everything under control and it hurts me to see how tired she actually is. I know that no matter how hard she tries, she can't do it all. Marissa called Freddie home at around 6, and from the yelling I can still hear going on in their apartment an hour later, I know that she's just as overwhelmed as the rest of us.<p>

I wrap myself up in a blanket as I stand on Freddie's fire escape, overlooking Seattle. It all looks so peaceful down there. God, I'd kill for that kind of serenity in my life right now.

I'm pulled out of my thoughts by the sound of the door opening behind me, then something slamming hard against the steel railing. I turn around and find myself face to face with my sister. "Hey..." I laugh. "Guess we really do think alike."

She leans against the railing and looks down at the city. "I wanna stay in Seattle."

I can't help but chuckle as she says that. "Why the hell would you want to do that?"

"Oh come on Sam, I'm not leaving you here alone. We went through our whole childhood together. I can't leave you here."

"You've still got the rest of your senior year to deal with, Mel."

"Whatever." She snarls, tearing her eyes away from me. "My school offers classes online. I'll just take those until I graduate."

"Shit, Melanie. You've got every chance you need to have a great future. You don't have to throw that all away for me."

Her face crumples and I watch as her eyes become sad. "But the thing is...is that I don't! I'm going to feel guilty every day of my life if I'm in college far away and my twin sister is raising a child and still dealing with our irresponsible bitch of a mother!"

I raise my eyebrows. "You're just now feeling guilt about leaving me alone with mom? It's been six years."

"Well..." She answers honestly "yes! I didn't realize that it would get so..._bad_."

I roll my eyes. "Don't put so much pressure on yourself. Go back to school after this all blows over." I place my hand on her back reassuringly. "It's for the best."

"Yeah, the best for _me_!" Melanie exclaims, jarring her thumb into her chest. "But I've worried about myself for too long now. It's time for me to worry about who actually matters!"

I sneer. "God damn Mel, you're the last person I'd expect to play the pregnancy card."

"I want to help you with the kid. I've got a little bit of money laying around from the job as a cashier I picked up on campus a few years ago. You know, for college."

I shake my head. "Then why the hell did you steal money for a plane ticket?!"

She shrugs. "I don't know, I wasn't exactly thinking straight."

I groan, remembering how incredibly difficult Melanie can be. I have hardly talked to her in years and now she's back almost instantly, offering help and money I'm not sure I want. "Thanks for the offer, but I'm fine. You're going back to school in a week or two, and I'm giving this kid up in October." The words make my tongue feel like sandpaper in my mouth. "That's just the way it's gonna go."

"Giving it up?!" She yells. "I'm offering you my money, where the hell is the problem here?"

"Money can't fix a fucked up family, Mel." I grumble, giving her one last eyebrow raise as I walk off the fire escape and sigh, entering Carly's apartment. Her and Spencer are sitting on the couch watching reruns of Celebrities Underwater.

Carly gives me a small wave and Spencer says "Hey, Melanie." His sister playfully swats him on the arm and I laugh. "I'm just messing with you- what's up?"

Taking my own seat on the couch, I cross my arms over my chest. "Nothing, I was just talking to Mel out there. She really has her heart set on me keeping this thing." Spencer takes this as his queue to leave, giving us simple goodnights and walking into his bedroom. I turn to Carly with a sigh.

"Well?" She asks. "Are you going to?"

"I still have time to figure that out, huh?" I mumble. Carly shrugs as I sink deeper into the couch. After a somewhat awkward pause I offer "She's got a lot of money saved up for college. Wants to give it to me."

"That's huge!" Carly exclaims. Her face falls when she looks over at me somberly frowning.

"I'm not letting her spend her college savings on me, dude."

Carly lets out a bitter laugh. "Sam, you can't stay in Seattle forever. You're gonna be pregnant until the beginning of freshman year in college. That doesn't leave you with too many options."

I consider what Carly's saying but she continues before I can manage a reply. "I can take a year off, if you want to raise the kid. We can always earn some extra cash from the show and use Melanie's college funds to at least rent a loft apartment. It wouldn't be bad. Could actually be _fun_."

I eye her, trying to tell if she's kidding or not. The gleam in her eyes lets me know that she isn't. "God, Carly." I snarl. "There's no way. _Nooo_ way."

"I've been nervous about college anyway, you know? Might as well take a year off, it'll help sooth my mind."

"Yeah, living with a screaming child sure will sooth your mind." Carly rolls her eyes after hearing this. "Thanks, but it ain't happening."

Carly seems hurt by this. "Why won't you just accept the offer? I _want_ to do it."

"Want to do what?" I turn around at the hoarse voice coming from the door. Freddie enters the apartment, looking completely exhausted with visible bags around his eyes.

"Nothing, baby." I murmur.

At the same time, Carly says "I wanna take the year off next year to help you guys with the baby."

Freddie raises an eyebrow. "Really."

"Yeah." I grumble. "She's being ridiculous."

Freddie catches me off guard when he pulls me into a tight hug, but it doesn't take me too long to get suspicious as I hear a muffled whisper. Pushing away, I give him a light smack on the arm. "What'd you just say to her?"

"What? Nothing!" He insists. I roll my eyes.

"He said you don't want me to help because of your…" Carly's voice gets quiet. "pride issue."

"Thanks a lot, Carls." Freddie sneers.

I narrow my eyes at him. "Dammit, Fredward. If you're going to talk behind my back don't literally talk _behind my back._"

"I know, babe. Sorry, but..." He starts "It's true."

"As much as I'd completely love to stay and chat, I'm going to bed." Carly says, not wanting to watch this argument continue for any longer. She says her goodnights and heads upstairs. It's for the best anyway, I'm completely exhausted. It seems like it's been weeks since Mel called to let me know that mom was in the hospital. It's hard to believe that it actually all happened this morning.

Locking my eyes with Freddie's, I smile softly. "Thanks for staying with me all day." I remind myself to thank Carly as well. She really busted her ass for me today, she deserves at least a few measly thank yous.

"Don't thank me, baby." He leans in to give me a small kiss on the forehead.

I inhale his scent as he pulls me in. No one says anything after this, I just lean further into his comforting arms. I'm amazed at how safe I feel with him, even after one of the most exhausting days of my life. Silence fills the room, but it isn't uncomfortable.

And that itself makes me feel a little bit better.

**Hope you guys are liking these new chapters! If you're reading, I'm asking that you please review and let me know if you would prefer Sam and Freddie to keep or give the baby up. I'm planning on taking the reviews into consideration when writing the next few chapters. Thanks so much for reading!**


	11. Chapter 11

It seems like I only rested my eyes for five minutes when Carly's alarm clock goes off. She taps the snooze button and pulls herself out of bed fairly easily. I just stretch out and groan.

"Morning."

"Mmmhmm." I mumble, closing my eyes and attempting to sink deeper into the bed.

I hear Carly open and close just about every drawer in her room before she asks "You going to school?"

"I dunno." I murmur, considering it. I don't feel completely up to leaving Melanie alone all day, especially on the day my mom is scheduled to be woken up. As much as I don't want to, I have a feeling that I should probably spend another mediocre day in the hospital. Being with my mom isn't exactly on my high list of priorities right now, seeing as I haven't talked to her since she kicked me out a few weeks ago, but it's something I have to do. "Guess not." I grumble to Carly.

Even though I decided against school, I unfortunately still have to start the day. I pull myself out of bed and throw a sweatshirt and a pair of yoga pants on, letting my hair loose in all of its glory.

I notice Melanie on the couch as I make my way downstairs. The one suitcase she brought to Seattle is laying in the middle of the room and its contents are sprawled throughout. She seemed to have created her own poor excuse for a room on that couch, which she covered with at least three zebra print blankets. Looking up from her laptop, she offers me a small smile. "Morning, Sam."

I raise my eyebrows in reply, walking to the fridge. Once opened, I decide that everything inside would make me nauseous and that there really isn't a point in eating today anyway. I've thrown up way too much in the past few days for that to even be considered. "What's the plan for today?" I call out to my sister, even though she should be the one asking me.

She looks up at me with big eyes, promptly shutting the laptop in front of her. "We should probably see go see mom."

"Yeah, no shit. When?"

"Soon?" She shrugs. "Let me just finish this essay."

I just give her a small nod before sitting on a stair, scrolling through my phone. Carly dodges me as she walks down the stairs, an unpleasant sigh escaping her lips. I can tell that she's still pretty upset about my attitude towards her offering to stay home next year, and I pull myself up and catch her shoulder. She turns to me with a sour look. "How'd you sleep?"

"Fine." She grumbles, still pacing around the room frantically trying to get her things ready for school.

I attempt to stop her in the kitchen, giving her shoulder another pull. "Yo, Carls."

"What." She says, a bored expression on her face.

"I really appreciate you offering to do so much for me and Freddie."

She raises an eyebrow. "You do?"

"Obviously. I mean, what kind of best friend offers to drop everything in her life just to help her pregnant friend?"

"A good one?"

"A completely freakin' _wonderful_ one." I smile and pull her into a tight hug. I'm not too surprised by how easily she falls into it.

Her voice is high pitched and loud. "Does this mean you're considering it?"

"Sort of." I say.

She seems happy enough with this as she laughs and gives me another hug, exclaiming "Really?!"

"Yeah, I think so. I dunno. Freddie and I sort of want to keep this thing." I confess.

"Sam!" She yells, clamping a hand over her mouth. "That's great!"

"Shh...don't let Mel hear. She'll never let me hear the end of it. Besides, neither me or Freddie are completely set on anything."

Carly nods but keeps the same soft smile on her mouth. "Good for you guys, then. Just know that I'll be happy to help whenever you-"

"_Carly_" I interrupt. "Shouldn't you be getting to school?"

She gasps slightly while looking down on her phone and noticing the time. "Yeah, but good luck with your mom today, alright? You want me to come down to the hospital during my free period?"

I shake my head. No way in hell am I letting Carly spend another day in the hospital. Yesterday she took on everything when I couldn't, but I've accepted what happened by now. No more fretting over my mother, especially with Melanie around. "Nah, don't."

"You sure?"

I narrow my eyes at her and she swings her hands up in protest. "Alright, _alright_...just asking."

"See ya." I say watching her wave goodbye and unlatch the door.

She gives me a wide smile and a simple "Bye, Sam."

* * *

><p>"Are you nervous?" Melanie asks me as we walk through the boring, automatic doors of the hospital. I'm caught off guard by her words at first, seeing as we didn't say a word to each other for the entire bus ride here.<p>

I sigh. "A little bit."

"I haven't seen her _awake_ in almost 4 years!" She exclaims, and upon realizing this mumbles "Holy shit. That's a long time."

"I know." I grumble, not wanting to continue this conversation any longer. Walking up to the front desk, I notice a different receptionist working today than there was yesterday. "We're here to see Pam Puckett."

"She's been moved upstairs. Room 106D."

"Thanks." I say, raising my eyebrows at Melanie as I reach out for her hand. "Hey, moving her up has to mean something positive, right?"

When I take note of how her face remains uneasy, I give her hand a tiny squeeze. We take the elevator to the third floor and end up in the hallway where the room is. Melanie looks at me nervously. "Do...do we go in?" She asks. I nod.

I walk in in front of my sister, immediately noticing my mothers frail form laying in bed half awake. I approach her hesitantly. "Hi."

It takes her a few minutes to become aware of us being there. Melanie is squeezing my hand so tight that it has lost most of its circulation. When my mom finally speaks, her grip only tightens.

"I really fucked it up this time, didn't I?"

Melanie crosses her arms over her chest. "Yeah. You did."

I'm instantly surprised by my sisters reply. I expected Mel to respond with something sweeter, trying not to make mom feel guilty. It makes me proud to see her finally put her foot down.

"You _can't_ do this anymore." Melanie scowls. "You have to stay for impatient rehab. I don't care if the insurance doesn't cover it, I'll pay for it out of my own damn pocket if I have to. You have two kids who you've gotta start giving a shit about. You're gonna have a grandkid soon. Sam's pregnant whether you like it or not, mind as well accept it and move on. I know for a fact that she'll be doing a better job than you ever did. You've only got a few months to fix this." She whips her hands out in front of her, motioning to the hospital bed. "You _better_ do it now."

My mouth stays wide open even after she's finished with her speech, and I look at her in astonishment. With one last evil look at our mom, Melanie bursts into tears and rushes out of the room. I don't immediately follow her. Instead, I tear my eyes away from my sister and onto my mom. She doesn't look guilty, and her eyebrows are knitted together in confusion. I cross my arms over my chest.

"She's right." I say firmly. My mom nods her head slowly.

"I'm...sorry..." She mumbles uncertainly.

I roll my eyes. "Come on, Mom. You know that means nothing. I've heard it all before."

She stays silent and I stare at the edge of the bed. The whole vibe of the room is making me even more nauseous than I already was, and if I wasn't so pissed off I would've already puked by now. But I have to talk to my mom, let her know how guilty she actually is. Hopefully even make her feel it.

When she continues to keep her eyes on the ground, I clear my throat. "Do you remember it?"

Her eyes tell me that she doesn't. I point to my cheek. "Do you remember calling me a worthless cunt?"

My mom doesn't respond and I shake my head. "You don't. Well guess what, Mom? _I_ do." I pause for a second to take a deep breath and bite my lip, willing myself not to cry. "I remember it every single freakin' night. And you know what? I look in the mirror and I cry because I don't know how to be a mom. I'm gonna be one in nearly six months and I have no _fucking_ idea how!" I immediately turn away from her and hold my forehead in my hand, trying to stop the pounding headache I just developed. I remember Melanie and how I have to be strong for her. With a sigh, I continue.

"We aren't asking you here, we're telling you that you need to do impatient. I'm eighteen years old and I don't remember ever in my life coming home to an actual family. A _sober_ family. Ever think that that's just a little bit messed up? Huh?"

I finish speaking but keep my gaze on her, crossing my arms over my chest. Her eyes look the same as when I started talking, not even a trace of guilt inside. I begin walking to the door. If she doesn't want to respond she doesn't have to, but I'm not sticking around to hear a half assed apology. Not today. Not _ever_.

I'm only a little bit surprised to hear her voice, quiet and small, coming from the other side of the room.

"Sam...I-I'll do it."

I consider her words for a second before I can think of a reply. Clearing my throat, I murmur "Don't just tell me that...show me." Giving her one last look, I shut the door behind me.

Melanie sits in the hall, gazing into the distance with teary eyes. I walk up to her slowly and give her a tight hug, letting her eyes meet mine when I pull away. "You said everything you needed to say. Don't feel guilty about it for a second."

"But-"

"Shh..." I mumble, staring down the long hospital hall. "Come on, we're leaving."

My sister bursts into tears all over again as we exit the hospital doors into the shitty, humid rain of Seattle. "I'm sorry!" She yells, obviously overcome with emotions. Grabbing onto my sleeve and burying her head into it, she mumbles another "I'm _sorryyyy_."

"Melanie..." I say, putting my hands on her shoulders. "Why, what's wrong?"

"I-I shouldn't have left you! I was so young when I left, but I should have known! I didn't want to make your life shitty, Sam. I didn't want any of this to happen and I'm so..._so_-" She trails off into a fit of incoherent sobs, and I do nothing but pat her back.

"Shh, shh..." I mumble, biting my lip at the sight of tears falling down her face. It kills me to see her blame herself for something my mom caused. I guess that's just the cherry on top of having an addict for a mother. "Stop acting like this is your fault when you know for a fact that it isn't, alright?" She sniffles. "Let's go home."

* * *

><p>"You need anything else?" Freddie asks as he hands me a cold water bottle. I immediately bring it to my head and sigh at the cold sensation distracting me from the pounding headache. Freddie climbs into bed next to me and wraps his arm around my waist. I smile slyly as he moves his hand to the nape of my neck, pushing stray hairs away.<p>

"Nope, but thanks, baby." I grumble, shutting my eyes tight enough for my headache to disappear. I'm so exhausted that I pass out almost seconds after closing my eyes.

I've almost drifted into sleep when his words fill the quiet room, waking me up again. "How'd it go today, baby?"

"I told you..." I start, already annoyed that he woke me up. "bad."

"What happened?"

I ignore Freddie's question completely, turning to him and making out his brown eyes in the dark. "I don't think she believes me when I say I'm going to be a good mom. I don't even think _I_ believe me when I say that...but I want to be! More than anything in the world."

"Sam..." He trails off, leaning in so our lips meet for a second, then pulling away and locking my eyes with his. "We've been over this." He says softly. "I know that you're going to be a wonderful mom."

I shake my head. "Doubt it." I close my eyes again, knowing that I couldn't be a wonderful mom. Not when I don't have a clue in my mind on how to be a parent. I've never lived in a stable home environment, how the hell can I be expected to provide one at eighteen? I consider adoption again for a moment, but I think by now I already know what I have to do.

Sighing, I take Freddie's hand in mine. "I really doubt it. But dammit, I'm gonna try."

**Thank you guys so much for all the wonderful reviews! I appreciate them so much! Thanks for reading, hope you liked the chapter.**


	12. Chapter 12

**Sorry for the lack of the updates in the past few days! This weekend/week/next weekend are uncomfortably busy for me, but I've been trying to write as much as I possibly can. Thanks for the reviews on the last chapter, by the way! You guys are awesome :)**

I cross my arms over my chest as Carly, Freddie and I walk through the doors of Bushwell. "You don't have to be so pushy, you know that? God dammit, you act like I'm the demanding one. _Me_!" I exclaim. Freddie glares at me.

"I am _not_ being pushy."

I let out a snort of laughter to show him how much I agree with that statement. Carly interjects just when I'm about to respond. "You guys!" She yells. "You've been fighting the whole way home! Can't you just work this out on your own time?" She narrows her eyes at us before boarding the open elevator.

I put my hands on my hips and look at Freddie. "So?"

"So what, Sam? What's with you being so difficult today?"

"Me?!" I put my arms up in protest. "I'm pregnant, you asshole!" I smack his arm and press the elevator button swiftly. "And it takes some balls to tell me _I'm_ the one being difficult"

The elevator opens and I walk in, not too surprised when Fredward follows. I keep my gaze on the other side of the elevator and my arms crossed over my chest as Freddie clicks the button for the 8th floor.

When no one says anything for the beginning of the ride, I sigh. "Look, dude. What the hell is wrong with you today?"

"Nothing." He huffs.

"Bullshit. Why can't you just tell me?"

Freddie shakes his head. "I just had a shitty day at school, alright?"

Groaning, I yell "I know that, you've been in a shitty _mood_ the entire day."

He rolls his eyes. "Gee, thanks Sam."

"Whatever! If you don't want to talk about it, we won't _fucking_ talk about it." I spit, exiting the elevator and pushing Carly's door open. I notice her making something in the kitchen. Melanie sits on the couch with her laptop in hand, typing furiously.

"Do you ever get up from that damn couch?" I ask her as I throw my backpack on the floor rather aggressively.

My sister raises her eyebrows. "_Yes_, actually. To see our mother. You know, the one in rehab."

I don't bother responding or even worrying about my moms health right now, I just walk into the kitchen, turning to Carly with an exhausted face. It's been about two weeks since my mom was admitted into impatient rehab and Mel came in town, and I'm having a hard time handling it all. I'm not only a pregnant senior in high school. I'm a pregnant senior in high school with a high maintenance sister in town, a mother unwillingly in rehab, and now an argumentative boyfriend. I can't help but feel overwhelmed. Carly looks at me with sympathetic eyes, telling me that she most likely knows something I don't. "What's up with Freddie?" I ask.

"Sam..." She mutters, tearing her eyes away from me to focus on the ever so interesting orange in front of her.

"You know!" I exclaim, giving her a pointed look. She throws her arms up in protest.

"I don't know anything!" She says sternly, taking her plate of fruit and turning her back to me to walk upstairs.

I roll my eyes, barely taking two steps before I collapse on the couch, tears almost pouring to my eyes. I stuff my face in a pillow to stop the potential emotional breakdown that I can feel coming on. My voice is muffled when I ask Melanie "How's mom?"

She tears her eyes away from the computer screen. "Sort of bad."

I raise my eyebrows at my sister and wait for her to reply with more information. When she doesn't, I sigh and mumble "What's wrong?"

"I would know if the doctors actually let me talk to her instead of just telling me that she's resisting her medication..." She trails off, looking me dead in the eye, her face completely emotionless. "It scares me."

I nod. Neither of us have talked to our mother in a week in a half, since she entered impatient treatment at the hospital. She's only allowed one visit a week, and it's already a bad sign to see that she's being denied that. "Yeah." I mutter. "It scares me too."

Mel shrugs, leaning deeper into the couch. She obviously wants to switch the topic, and I don't blame her. It sucks to be her with no distractions or anyone to talk to for a majority of the day. She can't help but reflect on our mom over and over again in her mind, and that in itself has to be exhausting. I can hardly think about it for five minutes without stressing myself out.

My sister sighs. "How's the baby?"

"Fine." I mumble. "We've got our 13 week checkup in a few days. I heard we might be able to hear the heartbeat."

A smile lights up Melanie's face. "Dude!" She exclaims. "I wanna go."

"Come, then." I mumble.

"So does this mean you made a decision? You're keeping it?"

"No." I lie. I, for the most part, have made the decision to keep the baby. Freddie and I talked about it enough for me to be sure, but that's not something I want my sister to know. Melanie's got a big mouth and an even bigger heart, and I know once she finds out we're keeping the kid that she'll be bombarding us with stuff for it and excitedly blabbing about it nonstop. It's better that I keep the outcome a mystery for now. My sister fails to see the negative in having a child at eighteen, and seems to be sure that Carly, Freddie, her and I would be content in living together and all caring for the baby. I'm almost 100% convinced that that wouldn't work out, but I won't burst her bubble just yet.

"I'll help you out, Sam." She pats my knee, obviously trying to suck up. "You know that."

"Yeah, I know." I raise an eyebrow. "Thanks."

Just as I'm about to end the conversation and walk upstairs, Freddie bursts through the front door.

I groan. "What do _you_ want?"

He walks up to me and sighs, fitting his hand into mine. "Can we talk?"

"_Now_ you wanna talk." I grumble.

Freddie apparently takes this as a yes, locking his eyes with mine and leading me into the kitchen. He starts his apology with a sigh. "I'm sorry for acting so weird today. It's just that I-" Dismissing the rest of the sentence, he mumbles "Never mind. I shouldn't pick fights so easily. I don't know what got into me."

I cross my arms over my chest, obviously not satisfied with his half assed apology. "What aren't you telling me?"

He shrugs, giving me a small toss of his hand. "Nothing."

I glare at Freddie with my arms crossed over my chest. "Really."

"Sam..." He starts, hesitantly dropping my hand. I'm instantly nervous by his anxious demeanor. "I, uh, got into M.I.T." Freddie clears his throat and his voice comes back much quieter. "A full ride, actually."

I gasp at the news.. I can't help but feel like I'm forcing his future away. Massachusetts institute of technology is Freddie's first choice, and he has a damn fully paid scholarship there. He has to turn it down because of me, why shouldn't I feel bad about this? It's my fault that we're having this child in the first place. Without me pushing him on, that night would never have happened.

"Don't worry about it, baby. My mom just really wanted me to go and...you know how she gets. We were fighting all week and I took the anger I had with her out on you." He finishes.

I finally trail my eyes up to his face. He's staring at me with big eyes. "I...I'm sorry?" I say quietly, pronouncing it like it's a question.

"Don't be sorry, baby. It was mostly my mom, anyway." He replies, wrapping his arms around my waist. I push them away.

"We still have time to decide what we're doing, y'know." I say quickly. "We can still choose adoption."

Freddie's eyes meet mine as a stern "Sam." comes out of his mouth.

I break our gaze to stare down at my bare feet. He sighs. "Is that what you want?"

"I don't care." I reply instantly.

His voice comes out louder, angrier than before. "You don't care? Really?"

"Well...I care but-"

He interrupts me through clenched teeth. "Then what do you want?"

My voice is hardly above a whisper. "I-I wanna keep the kid." I mumble, still staring at my feet. "Happy?"

"Yeah." He says, although he doesn't sound it. "I _am_ happy."

"Good!" I yell, rolling my eyes and turning away from him. I'm not sure who I'm more annoyed with right now; myself or Freddie. "I'm _glad_." I bark as I make my way upstairs. No way am I staying here and letting him fight with me. Neither of us are in the state of mind to be together right now anyway. I make my way upstairs and into Carly's room, where she's sitting on the bed staring aimlessly at an open math book.

"Hey." She says quietly, flipping the page.

"I'm starving." I mumble, grasping my stomach.

Carly nods along with me. "Me too. We're getting low on taco meat anyway, wanna run to Mall-Mart?"

"Yeah." I say, completely willing to spend the night with my best friend. Even though we live and go to school together, it's been awhile since we actually talked. I spend most of my school day in a daze and once I get home I'm either spending time with my sister or Freddie. We occasionally rehearse for the show, but there's not too much time there to talk. I feel bad for leaving Carly in the dark.

She shuts the book on her bed and gets up. Straightening my shirt, I lead the way downstairs and make my way to the living room. Melanie and Freddie are sitting on the couch, talking. I can't quite make out what she's saying, but her voice is stern and demanding. "Um?" I mutter. Both of them look up at me.

"Hey, Sam." Her voice is calm and cool. I glance at both my sister and my boyfriend with narrow eyes. "When's dinner?"

"We're going grocery shopping." I say quietly, watching as Carly passes me and grabs the keys.

"Let's go, Sam."

I follow her, almost out the door before I hear footsteps behind me. "We're coming." Melanie says proudly. I groan. So much for alone time with my best friend.

I start to lag behind the group and Freddie follows, intertwining our fingers as we board the elevator. "Your sister knows you a lot better than I do." He mutters.

"Why do you say that?" I ask, fighting his gaze.

He doesn't respond to my question, he just mumbles "Don't blame yourself for anything, alright? We're gonna do this."

I roll my eyes. Freddie's reassuring words don't make me believe him any more. He pulls me in and kisses my lips and I give him a small smile to thank him for at least pretending to be happy about my pregnancy.

We walk out into the fresh, cool Seattle air and he tightens his arm around me as Melanie and Carly get into the car. I sprawl out in the backseat and remain next to Freddie during the ride to the store. My head pounds with stress and confusion. I try to keep thoughts about my mom in the back of my mind, but that isn't promising. They come creeping back often, _too_ often. I don't want to think of how she isn't going to be able to complete rehab. Or how she'll immediately relapse on the off chance that she does. I know Melanie is exhausted by the situation as well, and I've been begging her to go back to boarding school since the first day she got here. It's not like I don't like having her around, I just know that she feels obligated to stay here. For our mom, for me, for the baby. She feels guilty for "leaving" me alone with mom for so long and wants to make it up to me somehow. Forcing herself into an apartment with me, Freddie and our love child doesn't really seem like an ideal option, but Mel's naive like that. She's under the impression that we could make it work. I'm almost positive that we couldn't.

Freddie nudges me out of my thoughts and I jerk my head up only to notice that we're now sitting in the Mall-Mart parking lot. My sister and Carly have already begun making their way up to the revolving doors. I grab Freddie's hand and follow them inside the brightly lit store. Carly immediately gets a cart, announcing "I'm gonna stock up on food, anyone wanna join?"

"Sure." Mel says and I shake my head. How oblivious have I been not to notice the blooming friendships between her and my two best friends?! I was under the impression that neither of them talked too much, but now that I think of it it actually makes sense. Melanie _is_ home all the time, and Carly _does_ live there. They've gotta talk at least some of the time.

My eyes travel up to Freddie's bright face and I force a smile at him, grabbing a cart of my own. "You need anything?" I wonder aloud.

"Not really." He mumbles, wrapping an arm around me as we walk down the unusually long and wide isle. He maneuvers his way around the store and somehow leads us to the baby section, which makes me crinkle my nose.

I cross my arms over my chest as I stare at the multiple packs of diapers in front of us. They take up the entire isle. "Holy shit." I grumble.

"What?" Freddie asks me, looking into my eyes. I reject his gaze and stare somberly at the floor, trying to avoid staring at all these damn baby supplies.

"Nothing." I say. "There's just...a lot that goes into this."

It's quiet between us before Freddie speaks up with a sigh and quiet words. "Yeah." I feel small, standing in a huge grocery store isle, surrounded by diapers that _I_ in only a few months will be purchasing myself. His hand goes to my stomach and he raises an eyebrow, locking his eyes with mine. "Nothing we can't handle though." I smile slyly, but still doubt him. I _always_ doubt him.

**Thanks for reading! Remember that reviews are very, very greatly appriciated! :) I'll try to get the next chapter out soon, but like I said I have an extremely busy week this week. It should all resume to normal next week!**


	13. Chapter 13

I mutter my mothers name to the receptionist at the rehab center, a separate area in the hospital meant for fighting addiction. Melanie impatiently taps her foot next to me. "Are you gonna let us talk to her?" She demands to the woman at the front desk.

The woman sighs. "We're going to have to limit it to one visitor at a time."

Melanie rolls her eyes and crosses her arms over her chest. "That's complete bullshit, but okay. Sam;" she turns to me "you can go first."

"Thanks." I mutter as Mel sits on a waiting room chair and nonchalantly scrolls through her phone. I walk down the narrow hallway, stopping at the wooden door that marks the visitors room. I twist the knob and come face to face with my mother, who sits in a plastic chair with a bored expression on her face.

"Hey, kid."

"How've you been?" I ask, sitting on the chair in front of her. The entire 'visitors room' consists of grey walls and four plastic chairs in each corner of the room.

"Shit." She says, her foot grazing the floor with one swift kick.

"Yeah. I heard." I say sternly, fixing my gaze on her. "You're not gonna quit rehab, right?"

"Thinking about it."

I groan. "You're _not_ going to quit. You can't."

My mom shrugs. "I'm a grown woman, I make decisions on my own."

"Shouldn't have brought two kids into the world, then." I spit back at her.

She sneers. "You're right, I shouldn't have."

I roll my eyes. "But you did. And we told you that neither of us are dealing with your bullshit anymore. You've gotta complete your stint here if you even want to think about having a relationship with either of us after this. Let alone your grandkid."

"I don't care either way." My mom mumbles, her gaze drifting to my feet. I sigh. Her words aren't as harsh or cold as they are when she's drunk or high, but they hurt just as much, maybe even more. I know that she means what she said. she's not slurring incoherently and making no sense, she's talking to me normally. Her sober self scares me a hell of a lot more than her high or drunk self.

"This is why you're here!" I yell, my voice getting harsher by the second. "Because you don't care. You never cared! Not about your kids. All you cared about was the stupid drugs and alcohol!"

"Damn, I gave you a great childhood yet I'm constantly hearing endless shit about it. You're such a whiny-"

"Stop." I warn, pulling myself off of the chair so I can pace around the tiny room, so I don't have to stare at her. "You did not give us a great childhood, and you need to admit it. I parented myself for eighteen years, Mom."

She sighs. "Maybe if your jackass father was around..."

"It wouldn't have been any different! I grew up knowing that you cared more about shooting up in the bathroom than you did your own kid!"

My mom raises her eyebrows, not looking even a little phased by my seemingly harsh words. "It's not my fault you turned into a slutty teenage mother, you don't gotta blame it on me."

I take a deep breath and bite my lip, trying to stop myself from screaming out obscenities. "You need to admit that this has ruined you. You need to know that your life would be a thousand times more peaceful if you were sober once in awhile! If you just tell me that, tell me that right now, I'll feel a little bit better about this."

"_Nothing_ ruined me, you filthy-"

"Do you know how much guilt I put on myself for this? Do you have any idea how many times I've blamed myself for how fucked up _you_ are?! I feel like I could've done something to help before it got this bad! Before, when you could actually realize that what you were doing was wrong. Not like now, when you're completely oblivious!" I shout, glancing at my mother for a split second, trying to see her reaction. She sits in the same position as before, her eyes scanning her fingernails. "It's not healthy for me to be stressing over my mom when I'm about to be one myself! Mothers aren't supposed to be like this when their kid is expecting a baby."

"Most mothers aren't about to become a grandmother when their kid is only eighteen."

I roll my eyes at my moms attempt at offending me. She's told me enough times how much I messed up, how I'm too young to be having a baby. I've heard it all before, but I'm not doubting myself anymore. With a small sneer, I mumble "I swear to god, I thought you'd change. I actually believed you." I chuckle bitterly. "Stupid of me."

She doesn't say anything, which I'm not surprised by. "Whatever. Quit today if you feel like it. I honestly don't care." I say with a harsh tone. I normally wouldn't be so quick to leave, I might actually put up more of a fight. But I'm exhausted and I can feel tears building up in my eyes, enough to tell me that I've already dealt with too much today. Lucky for me, it's only one pm on a Saturday and I've still got an OBGYN appointment to look forward to.

I give my mom one last glare as I shut the door behind me, putting a hand to my face to stop myself from beating myself up about it anymore. I can't change my mother, no matter how hard I try.

Melanie catches sight of my disheveled self walking down the hallway and walks towards me, about ready to enter the room to talk to mom.

I shake my head. "Don't bother."

Her eyes dart from the door back to me and she nods slowly, stepping away. "You don't mind if we leave, right?" I ask.

"It's fine." She mutters, obviously taking note of how upset I am from our conversation. "I don't want to see that inconsiderate bitch anyway."

I throw my arms around her as soon as she says that. "Thanks, Mel." I breathe and she gives me a soft smile. I'm instantly grateful that she came to Seattle. I can't imagine these past few weeks without her. She may be sometimes overbearing and confusing, but Melanie is my twin sister. She understands me in a way no one in my life has ever bothered to try and compete with. All of those years apart did us better than I would ever think, and maybe it wouldn't be so bad if she helped us out with the baby.

We take the bus back to Bushwell and I groan whilst walking through the doors of the apartment building. This whole routine of getting up, occasionally going to school, seeing my mom and talking about the baby has become nothing but a chore for me. I'm extremely overwhelmed from all of this running around.

My sister and I get upstairs and she walks into Carly's apartment, but I stand at Freddie's door instead, pulling a bobby pin out of my messy hair and fiddling with the lock.

Marrisa must be at work, because the apartment seems mostly clear. I walk into Freddie's room. His eyes are tired as he lays in bed and stares at his laptop screen.

"Hi baby." I say softly, collapsing on the bed next to him. "Y'know, I was thinking about it and...I really don't want to stay in Seattle."

"Well..." Freddie asks me, his eyes meeting mine. "Where do you want to go?"

"I don't know." I mutter. "I want to get away from all the bad connotations that come with this city."

He closes his laptop slowly, his gaze meeting mine. "Me too..." He mumbles. "How far?"

I shake my head. Does it really matter at this point? "I don't care." Part of me wants to stay here, but Carly was right. We can't stay in Seattle forever. Especially not with my mom on the verge of leaving rehab. I care about her, but I don't want to be her babysitter for the rest of my life. I know that it won't be long until this vicious cycle starts up again, and for once in my life, I don't want to be here to witness it.

"Somewhere in California?" Freddie asks. I shrug.

"Maybe." I take hold of his hand and move it on my stomach as I curl deeper into his embrace. "I've always liked New York, though."

"New York, huh?"

"Just an idea." I mumble as I intertwine our fingers.

"Not a bad one." He says, pulling me into a tighter embrace. I shake my head.

"It's so far. I don't want to drag Carly and Mel all the way to the east coast."

"Me neither." He agrees. "We could always do California, then?"

I nod. California doesn't seem too bad. It's hardly too far, and I would still be able to occasionally visit Seattle. I doubt I would want to...but I _could_. "It's beautiful out there. Maybe we could get away from city living for a little bit." I breathe onto his shoulder. Neither of us has ever lived anywhere other than Seattle, and I'm unsure what it would be like to live somewhere without all of the chaos. I don't know if I want to raise my child in a hectic place like a city. Especially not _this_ hectic place.

"I love that idea." He mutters. "I don't really know what it's like to live anywhere other than a city."

"Neither do I. But I dunno... I feel like it would be nice to raise our kid in a quiet town."

"Yeah." Freddie says softly. "Yeah, it would."

Silence surrounds us for awhile, so much that all I hear is the sound of the pouring rain outside. Freddie's arms are wrapped around me as we lay on top of the covers, both of our minds filled with so many questions. Our doctors appointment is in a little less than an hour, one that I'm actually beginning to become excited for. I've accepted that this is my reality, all I've gotta do is believe that I can do actually deal with it. It might take a little more than convincing on Freddie's part, but it's going to happen either way, I'm going to have this baby.

Freddie glances at the clock. "We should probably leave for the appointment now, huh?"

I nod and continue laying on the bed as he gets up and offers his hand to me. "You excited?"

"I think so." I say quietly.

"I am." He confesses and I grin, moving in to crash his lips against mine.

"Good." I say. "Then so am I."

* * *

><p>Tapping on the waiting room chair of the Ob-gyn's office, I take a deep breath I didn't know I was holding in. Freddie and I brought up the idea of moving to California, but also told my sister and Carly that there are other options, giving them the chance to suggest some. The ever so helpful Melanie Puckett sits next to me, extremely excited by every idea we bring up. California? Great! Staying here? Great! Afghanistan? Even better!<p>

Carly sits on the chair opposite to Mel and is thankfully more realistic. After a lot of convincing on my part, she agreed that she'll only take one semester off next year, then resume college in January. That gives her three solid months to help us out once the baby is born, which is more than I could ever ask from her. I want my best friend to actually be able to live her life without dragging her down with me. She likes the idea of California, but like Melanie, slides with everything we suggest.

"Real estate is ridiculous there." She says. "It's beautiful and all, but did you think of that?"

I roll my eyes. I _had_ thought of that, but I had also thought of the fact that we won't exactly be dirt poor. Mel's got money laying around, we've got money from the show; and whose to say Freddie isn't going to pick up a job sometime soon? Maybe even _I_ will after the baby is born. "We won't be living in L.A, Carls. A three bedroom off the coast would be fine."

She shrugs. "Maybe."

"You sure you wanna do this?" I ask hesitantly, getting an annoyed look from Carly in return.

"Yes!" She exclaims with a roll of her eyes. "It's only one semester, I'll survive."

I give her a small smile and a quiet 'thank you'.

"Sam Puckett?" The cheery, happy voice of a nurse makes me spring up and take hold of Freddie's hand. I watch as Melanie smiles excitedly, squeezing Carly's palm as we walk into the ultrasound room. Freddie's eyes light up when I sit on the plastic bench inside the room. I notice a small smile peaking out from under his lips.

"Love you, baby." I whisper and he raises an eyebrow in surprise. These damn mood swings have me happy over the simplest things, and sometimes I don't mind. It's good to have a little bit of happiness mixed with all this chaos. I've almost forgotten all about my fight with my mom earlier today, and I'm glad. She isn't worth my time. Especially not during an important time like this.

Dr. Coleman walks in the room and smiles at us. I return her grin sheepishly. "Hello Sam, Freddie."

"Hi." I reply.

"How's your pregnancy going?" She asks. "13 weeks, huh?"

"Good, the most part." Freddie chimes.

I nod at his response. "Oh..." I mutter, pointing at the corner of the room. "This is my sister Melanie and my best friend Carly."

"I'm glad you brought them with you. Depending on the size and position of the baby, today could be a monumental day."

I look up at Freddie who asks "Why?"

"Gender is determined, at the earliest, at 13 weeks." Our doctor says with a chuckle. "Today could be the day for you two." She smiles, asking me to lay down farther and lift my shirt up as she spreads cold gel over my stomach. Running her white device over me, she points to a black screen in the left corner of the room. It begins projecting a slightly blue film. "There" she says, pointing to a roundish blotch in the middle of the screen. "is the head."

"Woah..." I say, grabbing Freddie's hand and giving it a small squeeze. I can't help but smile watching as he looks at the screen in fascination, a small smile creeping on his face. My gaze shifts to Melanie, who has a hand clamped over her mouth, and Carly, who has a widespread smile on her face.

Dr. Coleman pauses, walking closer to the screen so she is able to scrutinize the ultrasound picture. "It seems like there may be some complications..." She states.

"What? Why?!" I exclaim.

"There isn't just one head."

"Wait..." I mumble. "Does this mean-"

The doctor finishes my statement for me. "Congratulations, Sam and Freddie. You're having twins."


	14. Chapter 14

**Sorry for going a little bit without updating, take this chapter as an Easter gift from me to you!**

"Baby, can you help me with this?" I look up from the suitcase I'm rummaging through to see Freddie uneasily standing at the top of the stairs with a duffel bag in hand. We're frantically trying to get everything ready in time for our flight to New York. Carly was offered a free flight and hotel room to do some press for iCarly by this filming company in the city. They apparently really like her and want to film some things for their website, and shit, she's even got the possibility of filming a commercial for them. She pulled some strings and thankfully got Freddie and I complementary flights as well, as long as we agreed to do a few other random things for the website. We decided that we might as well look at some apartments while we're there. The city wasn't originally our number one choice but we're not gonna get an opportunity like this again, especially not a free flight. Mel insisted that she'd be great help finding an apartment, and I feel bad for her anyway; lounging around Carly's apartment all the time. She's my sister and god knows that she hasn't had an easy past couple of months here, the least I can do is let her come with.

"_Sam_!"

"It's a heavy bag, Fredward. I don't know what you want me to do, seeing as I'm" I place my hand on my stomach. "with child_ren_."

Before Freddie can respond Spencer catches my shoulder as he walks past me, mumbling "Geez, Sam."

"What?" I ask.

"Nothing." He mutters, his eyes focussing on my stomach. "You're showing."

I roll my eyes and glance down at the tight white crew neck I'd put on this morning. It wasn't tight when I bought it two months ago. "Thanks, Spence."

"Hey! That's a good thing." He says defensively and I laugh, grabbing a few shirts and stuffing them into an already overpacked suitcase. "Still can't believe you two are having twins."

"Yeah." I say, taking note of how my stomach bulges out enough for it to actually be noticeable now. Noticeable enough for _Spencer_ to notice. "Twins."

He exclaims "You'll be out of here before you have the kids, right? I love you and all...but dammit, Sam, if you-"

"We'll be long gone, Spence." I give him a soft smile. "But thanks for giving me and Mel a place to stay for the time being."

"No problemo, you're a little sister to me."

I give Spencer a grateful hug. Having twins isn't usually something people take lightly. Freddie and I spent the afternoon of the ultrasound in disbelief and shock, but we weren't necessarily unhappy. Melanie and Carly were unsurprisingly ecstatic and Mrs. Benson just raised her eyebrows and announced that she felt like she was going to vomit. Though I didn't expect anything less.

Freddie taps his foot on the ground, breaking me out of my thoughts. "Where's your sister and Carly? They said they'd be back in 20 minutes, and it's been-"

"We're home!" Melanie says on queue, bursting through the door with Carly by her side.

My best friends voice comes out loud and excited. "Sorry we took so long, I sort of had to go shopping, you know? I'm just so nervous! I hope they like me! I mean...if they like me I could-"

Freddie glances at his watch. "Yeah, thats great Carls. We've got a flight to catch in-"

I glare at Freddie. "Let her _finish_." Turning back to Carly, I say "Go on, Carls?"

She gives us both a look and crosses her bag filled arms over her chest. "Nothing." With a grin she turns around and squeaks "We've got a flight to catch!"

I give Spencer another hug along with the words "Bye Spence, see you in a week."

He pats me on the shoulder. "Seven days where I can actually see the floor of my living room! I can't wait!"

I chuckle before he widens his eyes and focuses on his sister. "Hey, good luck in the city, lil sis." He throws his arms around Carly and she smiles sheepishly.

"Thanks, Spence. I'll text ya."

I smile as Melanie picks up a few overpacked suitcases and straightens up, walking over to the front door. Carly, Freddie and I follow her as we leave Spencer's apartment.

My best friend turns to me with a smile. "This is gonna be a good trip with a lot of good outcomes." She says it in a tone that makes it seem like she's just trying to reassure herself.

I repeat "It's gonna be a _great_ trip with a lot of _great_ outcomes."

She grins. "You think so?"

With a nod, I mumble "C'mon, Carls. Don't wanna miss the flight."

* * *

><p>"We got everything, right?" Freddie asks me as we board our seats in the plane. I nod and give him a small kiss on the cheek.<p>

"Yes, baby." I mutter, struggling to get an especially heavy suitcase in the overhead compartment. His hand covers the small of my back as he pushes it up for me and I collapse in my seat, absentmindedly gazing at my feet. Carly sits to the right of me and Freddie eventually gets in his seat on the left and gives my hand a squeeze. I glance to the row opposite to us, where Melanie sits in the outside seat. She impatiently taps her foot and flips through a magazine as the plane begins showing us a video on what to do in case of an emergency. Freddie laces his fingers with mine as I slide my own hand over my stomach. "I'm excited to look at apartments." He whispers.

I chuckle. Apartment hunting in New York isn't exactly my idea of fun. "Why?"

"We could find somewhere really great, you know." Freddie mumbles. "I know that neither of us liked the idea when we first talked about it, but maybe that's cause we just wanted something different?"

I shrug. "Could be."

"New York is a hell of a lot different from Seattle. It's somewhere new, a fresh palette."

I give him a pointed look. "An _expensive_ palette."

"Yeah, but...we have roommates, right? Melanie and Carly. We can get a two bedroom at the minimum, it can't be too ridiculous."

"Yeah, if we were single people with steady jobs! I'm pregnant with twins, Fredward." I remind him a little louder than I probably should, getting a shush from someone behind me.

He sighs and glances at the ground. "We'll figure something out?" He says in more of a question than anything, letting me know that he's just as unsure as I am.

Carly clears her throat uncomfortably and my eyes dart to her, with her arms crossed over her chest and a grimace upon her face. I feel bad for fighting with Freddie while we're on a plane she's basically paying for, so this shuts me up as she mutters "You guys think of names yet?"

I glance at Freddie who shrugs his shoulders. "Not especially. We don't even know the sex."

Carly leans back into her seat. "I hope they're girls." She smiles softly. "But then again, I don't really care." Another thought pops in her mind and her eyes eagerly widen. "I'm the godmother, right?"

I raise an eyebrow. "Sure. You're the godmother."

She grins. "Good."

Carly's abnormally calm demeanor almost frightens me before it calms me down. This trip is supposed to be giving us all a chance to "relax" despite how much we actually have to get done in the seven days we've got in the city. I'm excited to move on; go somewhere new. It's just that New York seems...impossible. Freddie's right; we want to be somewhere different, and yeah, now that we actually think about it, we both are more comfortable in a city. But in four months we're gonna have two identical bundles of joy to take _care_ _of_ and _pay_ _for_ and _worry_ _about_. A city as expensive as New York seems unrealistic, but I've been wanting to get away from Seattle for too long, even more so since my mom got admitted to the hospital. As soon as I graduate I'll be ready to say goodbye, and hell, I can't wait to do it.

* * *

><p>"Finally!" My sister exclaims as she darts to grab our bags from baggage claim. I scoff as Freddie and I stand back and watch as she and Carly return with all of our suitcases piled in their hands. "Let's go!"<p>

I grip his hand as we walk out of the airport and onto the crowded sidewalk. I immediately become self conscience of my bulging stomach with all of the people around, people who will most likely recognize me from the show. I usually ignore Freddie's nagging comments about telling the viewers I'm pregnant, telling him that they can figure it out themselves or not figure it out at all. But I can't help but feel vulnerable, especially in an area this crowded. I'm five months pregnant with twins, I don't just look "fat" anymore, I look _pregnant_. That's terrifying, and my pathetic ass is still worried about what people think of me. Imagine that; so much to be anxious about and I'm still uneasy about the random stares I get on the sidewalk.

I sigh as Freddie wraps an arm around me and walks towards the street, flailing out an arm to hail a cab. A yellow van pulls up and we all get in the back where Carly tells the driver the name of the hotel.

Melanie presses her face up to the window and admires the buildings around us in the moving car, giving me a smug smile. "It's really beautiful. And it's so, _so_ far from Seattle."

"Yeah, Mel." I mutter. "You're right about that."

"Just think about it." She mumbles softly. "No more fighting with mom about rehab, or dealing with her. Period. Cause when you live this far, you don't have to."

I just nod, knowing that Melanie knows damn well how untrue that is. Sadly, we'll always have to deal with our mother, no matter how far we live from her. She knows that firsthand, since she spent nearly six years of her life away at boarding school. She might not have heard from our mom often when she was away, but seeing as she's just as fucked up as I am, she must've gotten _something_ from her skewed parenting.

I shake my head and try to block my mother from my mind. It's inevitable to try and stop thinking about her, but she's the last person I want to be thinking about this week.

"C'mon!" Carly pulls me out of my thoughts as she yanks my arm out of the cab. I raise my eyebrows at the huge hotel in front of us.

"Shit." I mutter. "This place is-"

"Huge!" She finishes for me. "I know. Now come _on_."

We walk into the revolving doors and realize then that we have to take another escalator to get to the actual lobby. Once we get there, Carly walks to the front desk and announces her name. The attendant hands her a hotel card. "18th floor, third door to your left."

Carly squeals and we follow her into the elevator to the 18th floor. She drags her suitcases to the door and enters the hotel key inside, grinning at me as the light flashes green and she swings the doorknob open. Freddie's arm tightens around me and I finally let myself sink into his embrace as we admire the room. It's a suite, with two bedrooms, a bathroom and a mini kitchen. One bedroom is on the left side, with a queen bed and a decent sized tv, and the other is identical, only on the other side. In between there's a little living room area, which includes couch that I'm assuming can be made into a pull out bed and a few other chairs scattered towards the window. We walk slowly to the window and I pull the curtain away to look at our view.

"Wow..." I mumble as Freddie catches my lips with his before we look down at the hundreds of people and cars flooding the street 18 floors below us. "This is...wow."

We stay silent for a few minutes as we both stay fixated on everything below us.

Freddie rubs my stomach softly and breaks the silence. "Can I talk to the babies?"

I groan but give him a tiny smile anyway. "Yes. _Talk_ to the babies."

Freddie pulls my shirt up as he rubs over my bellybutton and moves his face closer to my stomach. "Hey, uh..._kids_?" He looks up at me as if to ask 'am I supposed to refer to my fetuses as kids?' I shrug. "You guys...or _girls_ would love the city. I mean, I hope you would. Hopefully we'll find a place this week that we can live in, and that we have enough money to rent-"

I interrupt. "Fredward, I don't think they understand the concept of an apartment. They're five months old and in the womb."

He glares at me softly. "Anyway, I really, really, uh love you guys. And even though she swears I don't, I really, really love your mom too. And um, I just want to let you guys know that we're going to have everything worked out by the time you're here. And also that I love you. A lot. That's it, I think." He clears his throat as he comes back to eye level with me.

"You're such a nub, you know that?" I smile. "But I love you." I fall into his embrace again. "A lot."

**Hope you guys liked the chapter! Please review, I always update quicker when I get a lot of reviews, and I also love to hear your opinions! Thanks for reading!**


	15. Chapter 15

"I've been doing everything I can! It's a little hard to find a steady job without a college degree, Sam."

I snicker at Freddie as we walk down the busy SoHo street. "I know that, Fredward. I just doubt that we're going to make rent if you don't have one. The places we're looking at aren't cheap."

He rolls his eyes. "I already applied for the pear store, what else do you want me to do?"

"Stop arguing with me!" I let my arm smack his chest softly and look at him with wide eyes. "What the hell are we even fighting about?"

He shrugs. "You're the one yelling at me about money we don't even need yet!"

"Well we're going to start needing this money. Soon. I haven't gotten one necessity for the babies yet. We have four months till they're born."

"I know, Sam." He says with a raised eyebrow. "We'll work it all out!"

"But you keep saying that!" I stop in the middle of the sidewalk, throwing my arms up in protest. "And you never do anything!"

"I never do anything?" Freddie crosses his arms over his chest and lets out a loud sigh. "I told you that I just applied for a job."

"Well get it together, Fredward." I mutter, walking ahead of him into the coffee shop Carly asked us to meet her at after her meeting with the film company. She's already waiting there with my sister. Carly has a small smile on her face as she sips a glass of water.

"Hey, Sam!" She smiles. Melanie nods my way.

I let out a groan as I slide in the booth with my sister. Freddie follows behind me, but after one glance at me and a large sigh, he sits next to Carly. She looks back and forth at the both of us, then crosses her arms over her chest. "What's up with you two?"

"_Nothing_." Freddie snarls.

I roll my eyes at his tone of voice before asking Carly "How was your meeting?"

"Great!" She beams, taking a long sip of her water, then raising the glass up. "So great that I'd like to propose a toast."

I narrow my eyes. "A toast?"

She nods. "To my new job." She says softly. A smile breaks out from her lips as soon as she's done talking.

"A job?" I exclaim, clamping a hand over my mouth. "Shit, Carls! To do what?"

"They want me to like...actually work for them!" She says proudly. "As a film tech!"

"Dude!" I exclaim, a smile spreading over my face. "That's great!"

"Yeah and" She looks down sheepishly. "so is the salary." I watch as Carly locks her eyes with mine and smiles softly and I can't help but feel happy for her. Not just because of my own selfish thoughts about money. Because I know that if anyone deserves a job doing what they love, it's Carls.

"So this means you're gonna be living in the city?" Melanie asks.

She nods. "_We're_ living in the city."

"So...cheers." Freddie says, lifting up his glass. "To Carly's new job." I clink my glass with his and give him a small smile. He returns it and I disregard everything we were bickering about on the walk here, just staying completely focused in the moment. I reach underneath the table to bring his hand over my stomach and then intertwine our fingers.

I smile at my best friend again win the words "Congrats, Carls."

"Thanks." She beams. "I'm...exited."

"Me too. For you, for _all_ of us."

Melanie glances at my stomach. "Especially the ones on the way."

Even Fredward cracks a smile at this, mumbling "I love you, baby." to me. Carly takes one look at us and shakes her head.

"I'm gonna go back to the hotel." She announces. "Look at some apartments online. Tomorrow's my free day, so we can probably tour a few."

I nod and Melanie perks up. "I'll come with."

"See you guys there." I mutter as they exit the coffee shop. I turn to Freddie with a smug smile.

"C'mon, let's get out of here." He says softly. I grip his hand as we make our way out. "Let's uh, try to find a baby store nearby. You were right...we have to buy some things."

"Sure, Fredward." I mutter, catching my lips with his. "Let's do it."

* * *

><p>"I guess...uh, it's never too early to buy some diapers?" He mumbles, glaring at the isle of baby supplies in front of us. We've decided to wait until we actually have a place to live before we buy all the big necessities. There's no use in transporting a crib back to Seattle and then to New York again a few months later. This, and the fact that we don't have too much money to throw around just yet. Maybe after Carly's first paycheck and when Freddie actually gets a job.<p>

He doesn't pick up the diapers, just looks at me with wide eyes when I don't respond. We make our way down another narrow isle, both of us looking up at all of the supplies in front of us. A few short weeks ago we stood inside a Mall-Mart and did the same thing we're doing now, but it seems like it was years ago. At that point I had no idea I was having twins, no idea of the possibility of moving to New York. A lot has changed in these past few weeks, and they're going quicker than I expected. It's already May, meaning we've only got a month until graduation. A month until I'm a high school graduate living in New York with twins on the way. It almost seems surreal.

I can see Freddie looking at me from the corner of my eye. I turn to meet his gaze and he locks his eyes with mines asking "What're you thinking about, baby?"

With a sigh, I lean on his chest and shake my head, not bothering to answer his question. I take his hand and lead him out of the tiny, overpriced store. The sun is setting but the air is still warm and inviting as we walks down the crowded sidewalk. "Do you ever..." I ask, glancing over my left shoulder as we cross the street. "think about your dad?"

"My dad?"

I nod and he looks down at his feet for a second, turning back up quickly to look at me. "Yeah. Why?"

"Do you wonder if you're gonna be completely clueless with parenting because you never really got to know him?"

Freddie's chest heaves and he gives me a small shrug. "Yeah."

"I know the feeling."

"It sucks, huh?" He smiles softly in my direction but I turn around hastily, trying to fight the ache in my stomach at the mention of this. I haven't talked to my mom in weeks and I hate myself for it, but I do occasionally miss her. It hardly makes sense considering she's done nothing but cause me pain my entire life, but I can't control it. I still miss her, she's the only parent I've ever had. My dad never meant anything to me since he left before Mel and I were born. But I was at least under the illusion that I had a good mother when I was younger. I didn't know any better, she was my mother and I was supposed to depend on her.

"I just want him to be proud of me, you know?" Freddie interrupts my thoughts and I'm instantly surprised by his openness. His dad was a normal man who lived with him and his mom, a doctor who helped provide for them and constantly let Freddie know how much he meant to him. And one day he was suddenly gone. Seventeen days before his sons eighth birthday.

I lock my eyes with his. "He is, baby."

He raises his eyebrows but doesn't respond as we walk through the hotels revolving doors and press the elevator button. I lean on his chest and let my eyes flutter, realizing how exhausted I am. The city is a whirlwind that I can't always handle, especially not while I'm five months pregnant. We board the elevator and I sigh, ready to crash for the night. Hopefully Carly found some apartments in our price range with open houses tomorrow so we can look around and try to find a perfect place. I didn't want to seem too thrilled about her new job when she told us, but I'm excited that she'll be able to stay in the city and always make rent, for my own selfish reasons. It'll be nice having Carly here to help me with the twins, but I know she won't constantly be in my hair and that's for the best. I don't want her stressing herself out over _my_ kids.

I swipe my card through the door and swing it open, almost immediately being bombarded by Carly's words. "Sam!" She says harshly. "Your sister..."

"What about her?"

She points to the bathroom door with wide eyes and I sigh. She doesn't have to say anything else before leading Freddie out of the room and leaving me alone to take care of whatever emotional distress Melanie is in. I slowly walk to the door and let my knuckles brush it softly. When my sister doesn't respond, I knock again, this time a bit harder.

"Go away."

"C'mon, Mel. Just let me in."

I hear the sound of the lock clicking open and I twist the knob slowly, letting my eyes graze over my sister. She sits in the corner of the bathroom, fighting my gaze with red eyes and her front lip clamped over her bottom lip harshly.

I sigh. "What's up?"

She doesn't speak or make eye contact with me, just tosses me her phone which is already opened to her recent calls. The first one says 'West Seattle hospital, 8:44 pm'

My heart almost stops in my chest and my eyes go wide as I stare at my sister in disbelief. "What happened to mom?" I ask in a growl.

Melanie takes a few moments too long to respond and I become increasingly nervous with each passing second. My mind is flooded with thoughts and I'm completely sure of it, my mother is _dead_. She died in the middle of her treatment program. Her heart finally caught up to her from all the drugs, and there's nothing they could've done to save her. My mother is dead and it's all my-

"She didn't die, Sam." Mel says with a roll of her eyes, breaking me out of my skewed thoughts. I stare at her for a second before I actually let this sink in, using the sink to catch myself as I almost become lightheaded.

"Jesus Christ!" I yell once I realize the truth of it all. My mom is fine. She's not dead. She's _okay_. I use all my self control to stop myself from hitting my distressed sister on the arm. "You scared the shit out of me!"

"Yeah, well." She mutters. "I wish she _did_ die."

With a sigh, I crouch on the floor next to her and raise my eyebrows, my voice coming out soft. "What happened, Melanie?"

She hugs her knees to her chest. "She's such a bitch. I hate her! I'm not lying when I say that, Sam." She mumbles harshly. "I _hate_ her."

I don't reply for a second, I only let my gaze shift to the floor as I bite my lip. "You wanna tell me what she said?"

"She...she was blaming me!" Melanie says, loudly crashing her hand against the floor. "She was blaming _us_."

"For?"

"She told me that it was our fault that they did all those horrible things to us; her goddamn boyfriends. She said we were always too loud in our room when we were little, that's why she started shooting up so often. That's why they came in and-"

"Melanie." I interrupt, not wanting to hear the words she's about to say. I can see the hurt in her bloodshot eyes as she sniffles and tears them away from me. "You know that none of that is your fault."

"Yes it is. It is our fault. She was right. She's always right! I'm worthless to her! To anyone." She huffs.

I sigh as I focus on the tile, willing myself not to cry. My eyes brim with tears as I mutter. "Mel, stop it. You know that isn't true."

With a sniffle, she replies. "She ruined everything."

"I know, Melanie, but-"

"I mean, are we ever going to be able to be normal? The...the first time I was six. You were six and...and..." Her breathing becomes erratic as she tears her eyes away from mine and focuses on the door to her left instead.

My heart drops and I try to stay calm for her. It hurts to look at her, and it hurts to think about. But it's unavoidable. "We're never going to be able to get over this." I sigh. "I know that. But we can't dwell on it forever, Melanie. Mom had some pretty shitty boyfriends-"

She cuts me off. "Nobody deserves to grow up like that."

I press my hand firmly on my cheek as I wipe a tear I wasn't aware I cried. There's nothing else I can say to my sister, we both know that. I just place my arms softly around her as she leans her head onto my shoulder. I hear her quiet whimpers into my sleeve and I bite my lip again, trying to stop myself from crying.

But there's no use. Melanie is right. We're not going to be able to feel completely normal. Ever. We've never had normal parents or a normal childhood. It wasn't even just that. My head was fucked up since that first time, on the disgusting plaid living room couch with my moms boyfriend at the time. I can still remember every word of that time and every single time after that. I can't recite the conversations- what they did- in my head without a shudder. None of that is normal. None of that is okay.

So I mumble "I know, Mel. But I'm gonna make damn sure that my kids don't have to."

**Hope you guys liked the** **chapter! Please review and let me know what you thought!**


	16. Chapter 16

"It's not..._too_ small." I mutter, glancing at Freddie who gives me an easy shrug.

"I don't know, can you really fit six people in a two bedroom apartment?"

"No." Carly answers firmly.

I raise an eyebrow and mumble "We could. Carly and Mel share a room, Freddie and I have the master, twins sleep with us."

Carly sighs. "Sam, there's no way. These bedrooms are tiny."

Melanie gives me a hopeful look. "I can sleep in the living room. We'll get a pullout couch."

"Melanie..." I say uneasily.

"Seriously, it's fine. I like the place." I agree with my sister, I _do_ like this place. It has a beautiful open plan and clean wood flooring. The kitchen is pretty big and there's a room right off of it, a sort of living area with a big window in the middle. It's definitely enough for Mel to reside in as long as she doesn't mind it. The master is nice too, a good size for Freddie, me and the twins. We could fit the cribs near our bed without a problem. Carly's future room is down a narrow hall, past the master and bathroom. It's the smallest bedroom but more than enough for her, considering she'll spend most of her time in the apartment sleeping.

"So are we taking it?" I ask Carls and she shrugs.

"It's small. We're gonna get tired of it really quick."

I sigh, looking down at the wood floor. It really is a beautiful place in the city. It's got a perfect location and it's already fully furnished, and Carly's right. It's small. A two bedroom in New York costs the same as a four bedroom anywhere else. I just don't see us having the ability to make the step to a three bedroom. This place is already $2,795 a month. We don't have the option to move up much more.

With a deep breath I smile at our realtor "When can we move in?"

"_Sam_!" Carly says harshly but quietly. I don't bother looking over at her.

The realtor glances at her clipboard and says "May 20th."

"There's nothing...later?" Melanie bites her lip.

She smiles "This is New York, kid." I'm not exactly sure what that's supposed to mean when she continues with "I say you take the place. This deal is remarkable for a two bedroom in SoHo."

I nod firmly. It is a remarkable deal. SoHo is a wonderful area, it's beautiful and hardly filled with tourists like the rest of Manhattan.

"So..." I turn to Carly, Mel and Freddie. All of them glare at me the exact same way. "What do you guys think?"

Freddie looks at the others then turns to the realtor, raising an unsure eyebrow. "We'll take it."

"Are you _insane_?" Carly whispers to him before saying "How are we supposed to move in so early? We still have to graduate."

I don't respond to her as the realtor hesitantly hands each of us a form to fill out. My best friend gives me a steady glare, her eyes not leaving mine as she takes the clipboard from our realtor. I give her a sly smile with a soft "Relax, Carls."

* * *

><p>"Are you sure this place is right for us? It's so small! And the move in date is so early-"<p>

Freddie interrupts Carly's aimless rant. "C'mon, Carls. It's nice."

"For a single person out of college! Maybe a couple! But for us?" She asks bitterly.

I sigh. "Yes, for _us_. We're not going to be spending every waking second in the apartment anyway. We're in New York."

She rolls her eyes, ignoring my last statement. "And how the hell are we supposed to move in by May 20th when graduation is-"

"May 26th." Fredward finishes. Carly glares at him.

"We start paying rent on the 20th, what's the difference if we move in a week later?" Melanie asks and I nod.

"I was just planning on spending a little more time in Seattle!" Carly exclaims. "I don't start work until the beginning of June!"

I attempt to reason with her. "You can fly in later if you want..."

She shakes her head. "It's fine."

"You sure?" I mutter.

With a nod she says "The place is fine."

"You're not just saying that?"

Carls nods hesitantly. "Nope." She flashes me a sly smile. "I was just being bitter. It's nice."

I'm not completely convinced but I return her smile anyway. "I've got one last meeting about the job before we leave tomorrow." She mumbles with a glance at her phone. "Better leave now."

"Bye, Carls!" I call, climbing on the bed to get closer to Freddie. "See you in a few, we'll have dinner after?"

"Sure." She says, closing the door behind her.

I turn to Freddie and intertwine our fingers. "We've got an apartment." I mumble just to hear myself say it.

He returns my nod happily, locking his lips with mine for a second. He pulls out and stares at me, shaking his head.

"_What_?"

"Nothing." Freddie pauses. "I love you." He looks down at my stomach and smiles "And you guys, too. Daddy would never forget about you."

I grin, wrapping an arm around him and burying my head in his chest. "I love you too. And my little babies."

With a kiss on my cheek he mutters "I didn't need you to say it back. I just wanted to let you know."

Freddie is interrupted by the sound of my own ringtone. I wince, pulling away from him as I check the caller ID. The smile disappears off of my face.

_Home_.

"Mel." I say, raising an eyebrow. I show her the screen as she walks closer to the bed, then widens her eyes

"Why would anyone be calling you from home?"

I shrug. "Christ, I bet she left rehab. That _fucking_-"

"Well answer it!" Melanie yells.

I move the phone to my ear as I hesitantly mumble "Mom?"

"Sam." My mothers voice comes out unsteady and quiet. I roll my eyes.

"Don't play this, mom." I grumble. "I know that you're not at the hospital."

"I'll explain!" She reasons. I roll my eyes.

"Explain why you said that shit to Melanie the other day, fucking explain _that_."

Mel glares at me as the words leave my mouth, giving me a crinkle of her nose and an annoyed "Thanks a lot."

I raise an eyebrow, mouthing "Sorry?"

My mothers voice comes back even softer than before. It almost makes me nauseous. "I know, Samantha. I was just" She sniffles "under so much stress there."

"That's no excuse." I say. "And honestly, I don't give a shit about the pressure you were under. It's rehab, you got yourself into that mess." Freddie straightens up upon hearing me say this, grazing his hand over my arm in attempt to comfort me. I swat it away as I talk again, not letting my mom reply. "We signed for an apartment in the city."

I hear a confused tone on the other line. "The city?"

"New York." I say surely.

I can almost hear her eyes widen in shock. "You're in New-"

"Yep. We're gonna live here with the kids you want nothing to do with."

"I never said-"

I cut her off again. "You did."

My mother sighs on the other end, sounding desperate and sad. "What do you mean by..._kids_?"

I roll my eyes and switch positions on the bed, casually inspecting my nails as I leave her to figure it out by herself. She gasps on the other line a few seconds later. With a bitter chuckle I say "Twins."

"Sam..."

The tone of her voice is so sweet yet so unsettling. It makes me nostalgic as I search for that tone in my head, finally coming to a reasonable conclusion. "You're high."

"Samantha!" She says in a surprised tone. "I'm not-"

I click my tongue. "You always do this, don't you?"

Melanie's eyes search mine from across the room and I shake my head slightly. "I've realized that you're going to do this for the rest of my life. And I know you, mom. I know that in a few minutes you're going to be blaming me for everything you've ever done wrong. Because that's just what you do."

"You're an ungrateful bitch, Samantha." She snarls.

With a sad laugh I mutter "It's too late, mom. You're not gonna change." I bite my lip.

"Jesus. I can't contact my kid without her yelling at me about my own damn life. You've got to teach her a lesson when she comes back home."

I attempt to keep my breathing persistent when I ask "Who are you talking to?"

"Gus. You remember Gus, _Sammy_?" I hear a mans eerie voice on the other line and I gasp, motioning for my sister to come here as my hands get shaky. Of _course_ I remember Gus. He was our landlord. I was twelve.

"She...she's with-" is all I can mutter as Freddie takes the phone within his grip and looks at me with steady eyes.

"Sam." He says slowly. "I think you should hang up."

I shake my head but don't do anything to stop him as I let unwanted tears race down my face, burying my head into the blanket. "It's okay, baby." Freddie strokes my cheek. "They're not here."

"Mel." I mumble as I pull my tear stained face up to look at her. "She was with Gus."

"You mean our old-"

"Yeah." I mutter, shaking my head. "You were already away at boarding school when they started dating..." I drift off before saying "He spent a lot of time at the house."

Her face drops. "Sam..."

I turn away from her and fight her and Freddie's gaze as another tear creeps its way down my cheek. My face stings as it hits the bed. "She told him to teach me a lesson." I laugh as tears continue to run down my face. "Like he didn't do enough of that before."

Freddie opens his mouth to talk and then closes it suddenly, his eyes locking with mine. "Baby..." He mutters. He continues to search my eyes and I finally tear my gaze away from him and onto my crossed legs. "You...we need to do something."

I sniffle. "What?"

"You and Melanie should be seeing someone."

"Like a therapist?"

He nods.

"I don't need to see a therapist, Fredward." I inform him.

"Yeah, Freddie. I think we're fine fixing this on our own." Melanie replies.

"You're not. Neither of you are. What happened to you two was" He shakes his head. "something no one can fix. But someone could help."

"Like you know shit about what happened to us." She rolls her eyes. "We're fine."

"Mel." I warn. My sister has the tendency to become defensive extremely easily, even if Freddie was only trying to help. She sees this as a blow to her, him telling her that she's weak and can't figure any of it out by herself. But after everything, who can blame her?

"What?" She spits, crossing her arms over her chest. "Freddie has no goddamn idea what it's like. He acts like it's so easy to fix! What, are all my problems going to suddenly disappear because I'm talking to someone with a pHD? Is that how it works?" She snorts. "If it's that easy, sign me up."

I hear Freddie take in a sharp breath. "I'm sorry, Melanie...I was just trying to hel-"

"Yeah? Well _don't_." She rolls her eyes and lifts herself of the edge of the bed, walking out of the bedroom. I hear our rooms door slam and I wince. The only sound filling the room is Freddie's and my erratic breathing patterns until I finally speak up.

"I should probably go down there."

He sighs. "I'm sorry."

I shake my head. "She's really sensitive about..."

"I know. But..." His gaze meets mine "I'm really worried about you. Both of you."

I tear my eyes away from his in attempt to will myself not to cry again. I feel my eyes brim with tears and I curse myself for it. "Don't be. We just need to give it time, that's all?" I say the fact as if it's a question. Is that all? Is time _really_ going to solve this?

Freddie shakes his head. "I think it'll take a lot more than that." My heart sinks in my chest when I realize the truth behind his words. I want these remorse feelings to be gone. That's all I've wanted since I can remember. It isn't going to happen overnight. "But I'm willing to help you."

"I know you are, baby." I force myself to give him a small smile. "Thanks."

Freddie doesn't say anything in response and I try not to think of my conversation with my mom. She really has the ability to ruin a nice day. Today should've been something I was happy about, maybe even proud of. We just signed the deal for our first apartment. That's a big step for any family, ours even more so. After that phone call, though, it wasn't a good day. Not even close.

"I hate her." I grumble to him, much like Melanie did to me a few days ago. "I hate Gus, and TJ. I hate Jonathan. And-"

"Sam..." Freddie cuts me off with glassy eyes. "How many men..." He stops himself before he can finish the question. "Forget it."

I try to count each of the various excuses of men who did this to me, but I can't even come up with an accurate count. Some of the times merge together, others stand out more. I glance down at my left wrist, at a tiny scar that has been there since I was ten. Huh, almost forgot about that one. "I don't know." I answer honestly.

His teeth clamp over his bottom lip as he whispers "Oh, _Sam_."

I shake my head. "It's fine. It's over."

Freddie raises an eyebrow. "It's not fine. It will never be fine."

I tear my gaze away from him after hearing his truthful words. "I should check on my sister." I hardly give him a chance to reply before I walk out of the bedroom, then out of our room. I take a deep breath as I press the button for the elevator and glance down at my nails. I curl my hand into a ball and my nails dig into my palm. I'm completely filled with anger and I curse myself for it, knowing it must not be healthy for the babies. _I'm sorry, kids. _It's no picnic for me either.

I place a hand on my stomach, feeling a jolt of pain that makes my heart beat race. It takes me a second and another movement to make me realize what I'm feeling. My kids are kicking! It's the first time I've felt it, and it's a weird sensation. Sort of painful at first but it feels oddly comforting too.

I walk out of the elevator and out of the lobby, watching as Melanie leans against the glass hotel exterior, her arms crossed over her chest and her face red. "Mel!" I exclaim, racing next to her and moving her hand over my stomach. "Can you feel that?"

Her eyes widen. "Are they kicking?"

"Yeah." I smile. "I think so."

She wipes her face as another tear slides down, but part of me tells me that it isn't exactly out of sadness. "Wow." My sister giggles. "That's...amazing."

"I know, Mel." I say, feeling an identical tear slide down my own cheek. I hate myself for it but I laugh anyway, keeping a firm hand over my bellybutton. "I _know_."

**Hope you enjoyed the chapter! Just curious, what sex do you guys want the twins to be? I think I've made a final decision but feedback could always slide it the other way! They're identical so either two boys or two girls? Let me know your preference in review! Thanks for reading!**


	17. Chapter 17

"Peanut butter." I grab a jar off the shelf as Carly pushes our cart down the wide grocery store isle. "We need peanut butter."

She glances down. "It's not on the list."

"Let me rephrase that; _I_ need peanut butter." I respond. "Hand me one of those plastic spoons."

She reaches into another isle to pick up a twenty four pack of Peppy Cola, then pulls a spoon out of a plastic box already in the cart.

"Thanks." I pull open the peanut butter and chuck the aluminum cover in the cart, receiving a glare from Carly. Ignoring her, I shove the spoon inside the jar and bring it to my mouth, swallowing down slowly. Doing this only gets me another annoyed glance from my best friend.

Neither of us are in the best mood, mostly just because we only landed back in Seattle a few hours ago. We got back late at night and only had a few short hours to sleep; not nearly enough for me. Today is as dark and dreary as usual and it wasn't a surprise to come back to Carly's apartment with almost no food. When we asked Spencer about it he shrugged, telling us that her preferred to eat out when no one was home. This, of course, is a complete pain in the ass for Carly, who was forced to go out and shop for everyone. She dragged me with her because Freddie was 'exhausted' and Mel was supposedly writing a paper. I'd call them out on their bullshit, but I feel like this is the least I owe Carly after she was the reason I'd taken a trip to New York in the first place.

"What kind?" Carls asks with an impatient hand on her hip, signaling to the boxes of fatcakes in front of us.

I shake my head. "Nada." When she gives me a suspicious look I laugh. "Believe it or not, these things are becoming more repulsive by the day. I can't even think of them without gagging."

She smiles. "Probably for the best."

"Probably." I resort, chucking a bag of chips into the cart.

Carly eyes me for a second, her gaze drifting to my stomach. "You guys think of names yet?"

I chuckle, wondering why my best friend is so eager to find out the names of the twins. This is the second time she's asked. "Sort of. I like Owen for a boy. That's about it."

"Owen." She repeats with a subtle nod. "It has a nice swing to it."

"Yeah, thanks." I mutter, leaning on the cart as Carly's eyes search the isle for the next item on the list.

"Did you talk to Freddie about the plane tickets? I don't think we'll need a moving truck, but shit, who am I kidding? You guys don't have that much stuff, _I_ do."

I sigh. "The apartment's small, Carls."

She raises an eyebrow. "I don't need that much. I've just never moved before. It's uh, weird having to pack my entire life into a fifty pound suitcase."

"Are you nervous?"

"I don't know." Carly admits. I sympathize for her as her eyes dart down quickly to avoid contact with me as I stare at her steadily.

"You-"

She cuts me off before I can say anymore. "I know I shouldn't be...but it's just weird, I don't know." She shrugs. "Everyone else is going to college and we're starting this completely different life in New York. It's just sort of bizarre."

"Yeah." I mumble, grasping a thin tube of canned cheese and placing it in the cart. "It is."

"But there's a lot we've gotta do before them." She says quietly, glancing down at the list. "How are you not having a mental breakdown right now? I'm stressed, and _I'm_ not the one pregnant with twins."

I respond with a subtle shrug. Carly's right, it's amazing that I'm not going through a midlife crisis right now. It's just that I haven't really had time to think. I found out I was pregnant and a month or two later my mom was in the hospital. Mel flew in and I spent most of my time keeping up with her. In between I had doctors appointments and school work and I still struggled to spend time with my boyfriend, sister and best friend equally. We got back from New York around twelve hours ago and I'm currently jet lagged and exhausted. There's really no way to avoid the suffocation of events building up, but it does keep my mind somewhere else. Maybe I'll feel more scared about the pregnancy later. The uncertainty both Freddie and I have when it comes to raising children hasn't had the chance to cross my mind as much as I should.

Carly's soft words tear me out of my thoughts. "What'd you think: boys or girls?" She nudges my stomach.

I shrug honestly. "I don't know."

"When's the appointment anyway? To find out the sex?"

"Uh...the 8th?" I mutter, pulling my phone out of my pocket to check the calendar. "Yep, the 8th."

She eyes me carefully. "Isn't that today?"

"No! Today is the-" I press the lock button on my phone letting me know that it is indeed Sunday May 8th. "_Shit_."

* * *

><p>"Everything been holding up for you two?" Dr. Coleman asks me with a small smile as she spreads the blue gel over my stomach.<p>

I eye Freddie before muttering "You could say that."

"Glad to hear it." She replies, walking away from me to point to the screen in the corner of the room. The projection brightens and I attempt to make out the outlines of my kids before she points to both of the heads. "Everyone seems to be looking healthy here." She smiles. "Any complications, Sam?"

I shake my head as our doctor begins talking again. "Here is the head of baby A" She points to the screen. "you can probably see baby B right there." I have to bite my lip to keep myself from getting too excited, staring at the ultrasound. The babies are next to each other and I can vaguely make out one of them gripping the others ear. I give Freddie a soft smile and a squeeze of his hand.

"Would you two like to know the sex, or are you keeping it a surprise?" I raise my eyebrows at Freddie as Dr. Coleman takes a closer look at the ultrasound.

He nods back at me and I clamp my hand around his, smiling in her direction and saying "We'd like to know."

She returns my grin warmly. "Congratulations, then. It looks like on October 3rd you will be delivering two healthy baby boys."

My heart beat increases as I smile at the screen, wrapping an arm around Freddie. "Wow..." I mumble, not hesitating to let a small giggle escape from my lips. I hardly mind as Freddie returns the hug and lets his lips graze over mine quickly. "Boys."

"That's...wow." He says with a soft chuckle. "They're beautiful."

"I know." I gleam. "They're beautiful and they're _ours_."

"Our baby _boys_." Freddie states in disbelief.

Dr. Coleman's voice returns in a tone identical to Freddie's. "Congratulations, you two. You're in for the quite the ride."

"Well..." I whisper, almost at a loss of words. "Thanks."

Our doctor returns my smile warmly, telling me that it looks like everything's going smoothly in my pregnancy as I enter my second trimester. Her words subside as she hands us the picture of the ultrasound and wipes the blue gel off of my stomach. "Congrats again, Samantha and Fredward. There's no doubt in my mind when I say I'm sure you two will make wonderful parents."

We thank Dr. Coleman as we walk out of the OBGYN and into the parking lot, where Freddie doesn't hesitate to crash his lips against mine and softly push me against the outside of the car. He pulls away to glance down at the picture, a small laugh escaping his lips as he stares at the twins. "I can't believe that...you...we..." He trails off to shake his head. "Sorry, I'm just-"

It's my turn to interrupt as I lock my lips with his and let my tongue enter his mouth, scraping over his teeth before it wraps up with his own tongue. He maneuvers me into the passengers seat and finally breaks our embrace, looking into my eyes. "I love you, baby." He whispers.

"I love you, too." I respond, stretching my feet out in front of me. "Now c'mon" I say as he slides into the drivers seat. "I bet Carls and Mel are sitting against the door in anticipation."

* * *

><p>"Called it." I mutter as I open the door to Carly's apartment, where her and Melanie are eagerly towering over the door.<p>

"Well?" Mel cries. "What are they?"

Freddie cracks a smile before saying "Boys."

"Boys!" Carly repeats, throwing her arms around Freddie and I. "You guys!" She pulls away to look at us both with a large grin in her face. "That's great!"

A warm smile lights up Mel's face. "I'm gonna have nephews! Sam!" She yells, pulling me into another hug. "I had a feeling they were gonna be boys! I just sort of knew it! I really did!" I step out of the hug to show her the ultrasound pictures, which she grabs and stares at long enough for me to see her watery eyes and shaky expression. I almost laugh at how sensitive she is before I find it sort of heartwarming. It's nice seeing Melanie so happy. "Congratulations, you guys." She says, raising her eyebrows at Freddie. "I'm sure you're happy!"

"I'd be happy with anything." He wraps his arm around my shoulder and places a soft hand on my stomach. "But yes, I'm happy."

"So am I." My sister says, walking toward the couch and plopping herself down. "Let's think of names!"

"Jesus Mel, we just walked in the door." I laugh but don't bother protesting. I just sit next to her as she scrolls down a long list of names on we phone.

"Did you guys think of anything yet?" She asks.

"I told Carly earlier that I liked Owen but other than that no."

Freddie sits next to me with a tight knit arm around my waist. "Funny, cause I don't recall you mentioning that to me."

"Well" I click my feet up on the table to rub my foot over his calf. "do you like it?"

He nods hesitantly. "Yeah, I think I do. It's nice."

"So that's a definite possibility." Carly says, writing it down on a blank piece of paper. "Give me some other suggestions."

I shrug and turn to Freddie. "Fredward?"

"I don't know. Um, how bout Bailey or-"

I cut him off with a snort. "It's not a dog, you idiot. Keep going."

* * *

><p>"I told you, Sam. I'll do it! Jesus, try to get off my back once and awhile, okay?" Melanie yells, pouring a cup of pancake batter onto a pan.<p>

I roll my eyes. "I'd be off your back if you did what I asked you!" I pause. "We're moving in two weeks, we don't have time for this."

I fold my hands over the counter as Carly walks downstairs, setting her backpack on the table. "Wow." She mumbles. "You guys are up early."

"Yeah." I mutter harshly.

"_I'm_ making Sam breakfast." Melanie raises an eyebrow, forcefully sliding a plate my way. "_Here_." She says, raising her hands up defensively and walking out the door.

Carly turns to me with a perplexed look. "What's wrong with her?"

"She's been so aggravating lately!" I grumble, hesitantly pushing the plate of pancakes away. "She wants to go to my mom's house today."

"Why?"

"I don't know!" I exclaim, throwing my hands up in agony. "She wants to get her shit before we move, but what does she even need there? She hasn't lived at that house in six years."

Carly nods with wide eyes, sitting down at the kitchen table, in a seat next to me. "Maybe she just wants to formally let go of everything that happened there, y'know?"

"I don't think-" I stop abruptly, looking up to lock eyes with Carly. "Well...maybe."

"It's been a rough couple of months for her, you know that."

"Yeah." I huff, ready to end this conversation before it even starts. Carly knows more about my sisters feelings than I do, and I'm disappointed that I wouldn't think of that. Of course that's why Mel wants to go to the house. Maybe she'll pick up an old picture of us or find a stuffed animal she had years ago. "_Shit_." I mutter, lifting myself up from my chair. "I can't let her go there alone!"

"Sam!" Carly yells when I'm almost halfway out the door. I stop walking for a second to watch as she stands in front of me with her hands on her hips. "Are you sure you can go in there?"

"Yes." _No_. "I'm not a baby, Carly. I think I'll make it." _Yes I am, I'm a tiny_ _baby_. _Especially when it comes to this._

"I'll drive you." She suggests, grabbing her lanyard off the key holder. "C'mon."

I shake my head. "You've got school." I say, well aware that it's a Thursday and Carly has a study hall for first and second period today, meaning she doesn't have to be at school until at least 10:00. "I'll take the bus."

She doesn't have time to protest before I've already raced out the door and made it to the lobby in record time. I walk out of Bushwell and search eagerly for my sister. It only takes me a few steps to find her, standing at the nearest bus stop with a cigarette in hand. "Melanie." I mutter, glancing at her. "Since when do you smoke?"

"It's an old habit." She shakes her head. "You're coming with me?"

"Yeah." I say, crossing my arms over my chest. "But you've gotta make it quick."

"No shit." She spits, taking a long drag of her cigarette. "I just gotta pick up some things."

"Like?"

My sister wrinkles her nose. "None of your damn business." The bus pulls up and she yanks the cigarette out of her mouth, forcefully chucking it on the ground and stomping on it. I follow after her with a raise of my eyebrows as we both collapse in seats next to each other.

After a few minutes of silence, I speak up. "We don't have to go there, you know."

"Yes, Sam. I know." She answers sardonically, not even bothering to look my way. "_I_ want to go in there. _You_ can wait outside if you really can't bring yourself to walk in your own damn house."

I shiver at the insincerity of her comment, knowing that it isn't like Melanie at all to say something like that. She's definitely been different lately. It's only been a week since I told her we were having twins and she jumped around the living room floor, ecstatic with happiness. I know Mel has her problems but she usually has some sort of spunk to her, not this dead look in her eyes she's been showing me lately.

I don't ask her any more questions, mostly because I'm afraid of her immediate reaction . I just look outside as the bus stops a few blocks away from our neighborhood, walking down the narrow stares and watching as my sister smooths her straight blond hair. We walk up to the tiny house in silence and I can't help but shudder at the sight. I haven't been here since I told my mom I was pregnant around five months ago. I kind of wished the place away in my mind and damn, I liked it better that way.

My sister pushes the door and I'm not surprised when it swings open on the first try. Her head creeps from corner to corner of the house as she whispers "I don't think she's home."

Her hesitant words tell me that she's not as strong as she's been acting, that she had fears about seeing our mom out of rehab just like I did. I walk into my room and Melanie rummages around my closet, filling the duffle bag she brought with various pieces of clothing. "Why didn't you bring any of this to Carly's?" She asks.

"I didn't really have the choice, I left as soon as mom kicked me out. Didn't really have a chance to get my shit together."

"Ah." She says, smiling at a picture of us sitting on my shelf. "This is cute. We must've been like what, seven or eight?"

"Six, I think." I say, glancing over her shoulder at the picture. "But then again, it could've been-" I stop talking abruptly at the sound of the door creaking open. Looking at Melanie with wide eyes, I whisper "What was that?"

"The wind?" She says quietly. I shake my head.

"No..._shhh_. I hear voices." I can vaguely hear my mom's voice, then Gus's, getting louder and louder with each step they take. I eye Mel and bite my lip. My mom's words echo in my head, what she told Gus when we were on the phone in New York. I begin to feel shaky. "Let's get out of here."

She nods fast, looking from side to side. "Um...how do we-" I don't hesitate to grab the lamp on my bedside table and begin to move it against the permanently closed window. "Fuck these windows, honestly." I mutter before crashing it against the glass and watching as it does nothing, no matter how hard I pushed the end in. The crashing sound did nothing but make my mother and Gus aware of our presence. My phone begins buzzing in my hands and I look down at Freddie's name lighting up my screen. "Shit." I groan, locking eyes with my sister. "Okay, just walk out. _Calmly_."

She nods hesitantly and springs up a second later, walking behind me as we try our best to sneak out of the house. Just as I'm about to quietly step out I hear a mans booming voice behind me, feeling his hand graze over my back. "Where you going, baby?" He asks. I shiver, pushing him away with all my force but there's no use, his hand is already clamped around my shoulder, holding me back. "How've you been, Sammy?"

"Get off of me." I grumble, pushing his grimy hand away. "I mean it."

Melanie pushes his huge body away and pulls my hands closer, trying to pull me out of the front door. The only sound I hear after this is his booming laughter. "Don't get too cocky, ladies. We all know that I could take you two down in a heartbeat."

My breathing increases as I make nervous eyes at my sister, trying again to run away from Gus, but there's no way. My heart is beating too fast and I'm no longer just worried about Melanie or I, but my sons as well. I'll do anything to prevent them from going through this. _Anything_.

I feel his hand over my shoulders and I shudder, hearing the sound of the door swinging open. I figure it must be my mom, but I move my head to the side so I can struggle to look.

Freddie.

**This chapter was obviously a lot longer/more dramatic than the other ones, and I hoped you guys liked that difference. On another note, boys and girls came in a tie for the twins and I obviously decided on boys. I have a baby nephew and two twin baby boy cousins, so I'm pretty used to boy babies and just thought It would be best for Sam and Freddie. You guys can feel free to suggest names that you like for the twins, just do so in reviews! Thanks for reading, and please remember to leave a review!**


	18. Chapter 18

"What the HELL were you doing in there?" Freddie's voice is hoarse as he keeps his hands tight on the steering wheel. I prop my feet on the dashboard and avoid making eye contact with him.

"You're not my father." I snap. He throws his hands off the wheel in agony.

"I was worried about you!"

"Why?" I groan. "It's not like he was gonna do anything!"

"You don't know that, Sam." His stern eyes meet mine. "You don't know that."

I ignore him and glance at Melanie in the backseat, with her arms crossed over her chest and a serious look on her face. "You okay?" I whisper.

She nods slowly, looking out the window absentmindedly. "Yeah."

I just huff as Freddie continues driving, letting my eyes graze over him. "You know, I don't need someone to come save me."

"Sam."

"I don't!" I exclaim, letting out a breath of air. "I would've been fine alone, Fredward."

He raises an eyebrow. "You're not going to start this with me right now."

"How did you even know I was there?"

"Carly told me!" He yells, not breaking eye contact with the road. "Because she was worried about you! We both were, Sam. So leave it at that, Jesus."

I stay silent for a second before I watch my boyfriend look at me with narrow eyes, his voice coming out softer than before. "Baby..." He mumbles. "You're okay?"

I don't respond. I'm still a little shaky from the run in with Gus. I know that his grip on me wasn't too strong and that I could've easily escaped it, but it still left me feeling empty and scared. The nostalgia made me incredibly uncomfortable and confused. I don't want to talk about it. I give Freddie a subtle nod but his eyes turn unconvincing.

"Are you sure?"

I nod again, more eager this time. "Yeah, I-I'm sure. I'm just really tired."

Freddie still doesn't look convinced but continues driving, pulling into the Bushwell parking lot. I hardly pay attention to the door slamming as my sister gets out of the car, leaving the two of us alone. "I love you." He says softy, his eyes drifting to mine as we sit in the still car. "You know that I love you and Sam, I was worried about you. Because I know about everything that happened and I-I was afraid. I just had a bad feeling so I thought I'd come to check on you and-"

"Freddie." I mutter, placing a hand over his. "It's okay. I'm okay."

"I know...I just-"

I lock my eyes with his and he abruptly stops talking, opening his mouth then closing it. "I'm sorry, Sam." He whispers. "About-"

"Shh..." I say, tearing my eyes away from his. "It's fine."

When Freddie doesn't reply I shake my head and open the car door, urging him to do the same thing. He swings his arm around my waist as we walk towards the building, kissing my forehead. "You...you have to learn how to...move on." He whispers.

I loosen his grip around me, giving him a steady glare. "Move on?"

"The right way." He mutters. "You push things away, Sam."

"Yeah." I state. "So?"

"So..." Freddie starts, intertwining our fingers. "You've had a lot of bad experiences in your life and you never..." He pauses to make eye contact with me as we enter the elevator. "Don't get mad at me when I say this, but you never learn to fully get over them. You don't dwell over them, but baby...you-"

"God, Freddie." I sneer. "Could you just shut-"

"You can't keep ignoring these things! You can't keep acting like this doesn't affect you! Stop telling me it's fine, Sam! I know it isn't fine!" He pauses to bite his lip and stare at his hands with absentminded eyes. "I just want to see some emotion from you. It's okay to show something. Christ, can you just show me something? Something that tells me you're okay! That you're not going to have a mental breakdown one of these days because you left it all building up...that you're not going to kill yourself!"

I roll my eyes. "Christ, Freddie! I'm not going to _kill_ myself!"

"I don't know what's going on in your mind half the time!"

I raise an eyebrow as I cross my arms over my chest and exit the elevator, bitterly standing in the wide hallway. "It was..._bad_ in there, okay? I'll be completely honest with you and tell you that I was fucking scared! I was scared for the boys," I place a protective hand on my stomach. "my sister, myself. And I didn't know if I would even make it out of there! I wasn't being realistic, I know that! But...when you've seen what some of these monsters can do, you never really trust anybody the same way, you know?"

Freddie takes a few seconds after I stop talking to respond, taking my hand in his and looking me straight in the eyes. "You didn't deserve that."

"Yeah." I say softly. "I know."

"And..." He shakes his head. "You shouldn't keep everything bottled up, baby. I'm telling you, it'll feel better if you just talk to someone. Just for a little bit."

"I'll think about it." I mutter, giving him a small kiss on the forehead and leaning against his chest. "Thanks, baby. For everything."

Freddie shakes his head. "Don't thank me." He pauses. "I love you."

"I know." I nod. "I'm tired, so I'm gonna..." I motion to Carly's apartment and he returns my nod, opening the door to his own. With a sigh I twist the knob and walk into the living room, nodding at Carly who sits in the kitchen alone, her eyes meeting mine uneasily.

"Sam..." She says softly.

"I'm fine." Is all I manage to squeak out before her embrace meets mine, her arms wrapping around me tightly.

"I'm sorry..." She says as we sit still in the hug. "I'm really sorry."

I shake my head and pull out. "I guess Mel told you?"

Carly nods. "Yeah."

"Well..." I look at the ground. "It's fine. I'm okay and the twins are okay and...where's my sister?" I respond without missing a beat. Carly motions upstairs.

"Okay." I sigh, not bothering to say anything else to Carly even though she looks unsatisfied with our mediocre conversation, still worried about me. Giving her one last reassuring nod, I walk up the stairs and into her room, immediately collapsing on the bed next to my sister. She stiffens up as I inch next to her, glancing at me with worried eyes. "Hey, Mel." I mutter. "Everything okay?"

Melanie shakes her head. "No. Well, yes. The thing with Gus is" She waves her hand softly. "whatever. It's fine..but...I've gotta talk to you."

"Okay..." I mumble slowly. "Go ahead."

She takes a deep breath, opening her mouth then closing it abruptly and moving her eyes around the room, obviously trying to muster the courage to tell me whatever she has to tell me. Her voice finally comes out, soft and insecure "Dad's in jail."

I give her a confused look. "Dad? Since when do we-"

"This woman from social services called me, uh, a few weeks ago."

"Social services? Why-"

My sister cuts me off with "We're the only surviving, not completely insane family members he's got."

I'm still not completely understanding what she's trying to tell me, my arms crossed over my chest. "Yeah...and?"

"And he's got a kid." Melanie shrugs. "Another one, I guess. Eleven years old."

I'm not exactly sure how to react this. I just glare at my sister with uneasy eyes, mumbling a pathetic "_So_?"

"Her mom's dead, Sam. She's got nowhere to go, so someone from social services...reached out to us."

By now I can understand the gist of what my sister's trying to tell me pretty easily, but I keep questioning her in disbelief. "Well? What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"We've...I don't know!" Mel exclaims, throwing her hands up in annoyance. "They wanted us to make a decision."

I cut her off with a loud "No! There's not a decision to make! We are not taking a stranger into our house! You know how many times I've met my" I raise my hands up to make fake quotation marks with my fingers. "dad, Mel? Once! One goddamn time and all the sudden they want me caring for his kid-"

"I signed the papers!" She yells loud enough to wake up everyone in the damn apartment building, her eyes glassy and unsettling.

"You..._what_?" I snarl.

Melanie's voice is surprisingly calm the next time she talks "I agreed to adopt the kid."

"Jesus fucking Christ!" I stand up just so I can pace around the room, running a hand through my hair multiple times, trying to let this sink in. She's joking. She _has_ to be joking. "There's no way..." I yell. "There's no _fucking_ way that you would be that stupid, that you would-"

"She's just like us, Sam!" Melanie stands up too now, throwing her arms up in protest. "I'm not going to let her sit in a orphanage until she's eighteen! Nobody wants an eleven year old kid! She would've been alone for the next seven years!"

"Why is that our business?" I ask loudly. "Huh? Why is that our damn business when I first heard of this girl five goddamn minutes ago? I don't even know her name, Melanie. I don't know her fucking-"

"_Ava_!" She screams, letting out a shaky breath. "It's Ava."

I shake my head and lower my tone. "You didn't even think of letting me know this! I was worried about you, Melanie. You've been acting so weird the past couple of weeks, I didn't know what was going on! And here it turns out that you were hiding one of the biggest secrets in my goddamn life from me! What the hell kind of thing is that for someone to do?"

"I don't know!" She exclaims. "You think this decision was easy on _me_? No! It _wasn't_! I didn't want to make it your problem, too! You're pregnant! You've got other things to worry about."

"Yeah, well nice fucking job there." I laugh bitterly. "Now you've made it my problem. You've made it _everyone's_ problem."

"Sam!" Melanie squeaks, curling her lips and looking at the ground. I watch her tremble slightly as a tear falls down her cheek. "I just wanted to help her!"

I try not to let my conscience get the best of me as I watch my sister cry in front of me. I don't want to yell at her anymore so I cross my arms over my chest and glance the other way uncomfortably. "Where is she now?"

"Chicago." Mel sniffles. "They said we can pick her up at the airport once we've already moved...so you know, we don't confuse her with all that moving around right off the bat."

I nod, taking deep breaths to keep me from screaming at the top of my lungs at Melanie's terrible decision. I feel bad for my half sister, from what I know about her it seems like she has a really, really shitty life. She's only eleven years old and her mom's already dead, her dad's in jail for a long period of time. She's got nobody else, nothing else in her life. She deserves to be helped, I know that. But us? Why would anybody think that _we_ were fit out for another kid?

"Okay." I whisper. "Uh-"

My sister cuts me off. "I've met her, Sam. She's really sweet and adorable and you would never think that she had such terrible experiences in her life. Oh, and she plays the violin. The kid's a prodigy. She really started picking up with it once her mom died in a drunk driving accident four years ago, and she played for me. She's really good."

I nod, still staring at the ground. "The violin." I repeat. "Wow."

Melanie returns my nod, looking me straight in the eyes. "Yeah." She pauses. "She has brown hair, you know, but I swear she's got our face. I'm like, completely sure that-"

I interrupt her uneasily. "I'm gonna throw up."

Mel opens her mouth, then closes it unsteadily. "Uh...okay."

I just nod as I walk to the bathroom slowly, leaning over the sink and vomiting. My pregnancy only has a little bit to do with this, it's mostly the feeling of nerves and uneasiness that set me over the edge. I guess it's either this or an ungodly amount of tears.

I feel my sisters hands on my back and I pull away from the sink, attempting to wipe my mouth of the vile taste. "You should've told me." I say quietly. "I'm more upset that you didn't tell me."

Melanie knows this isn't true but nods along anyway, mumbling "I'm sorry."

"It's...it's okay." I take a deep breath. "She's sweet, huh?"

Mel shrugs. "Sort of reminds me of myself...y'know when I was a kid."

I chuckle. "She must be great, then."

My sister nods. "She is."

I'm not completely sure what else to say considering that I'm still undoubtedly angry at Melanie for hiding something like this from me. The fact that she went to see Ava without even asking me about it makes me feel sort of useless and upset. I had a say in this too, and Mel knew I did. Yet she chose to hide it from me, because she knew I'd freak out. Just like I'm doing now.

I clear my throat. "Does Carly know?"

Melanie nods. "Uh, yeah. I told her a few days ago."

I return her nod. "Fantastic. That's just-"

"She'll be my responsibility, Sam. I'll make sure she always has something to eat and I'll enroll her in school, I'll let her sleep on the pullout couch in the living room and I'll just move in the same room as Carly. I figured it out and I don't want you to be worried about it."

"Right, Melanie. But, uh, I _am_ worried about it. Fitting six people in that apartment was tough, and now we're attempting to fit seven?" I shake my head. "We can't afford anything bigger."

"I know." She says. "But she's quiet, she'll be fine in the little apartment. We can even teach her to help with the babies when they come, and honestly she'll be nothing but-"

"Mel." I silence her by saying her name, leaning my back against the sink. "You're acting like you just adopted a dog...and, and you _didn't_..." I trail off, looking at my hands.

"Look, if we got through everything else, if we got through _today_...then we'll be fine." She stays quiet for a second before looking up at me with wide eyes, muttering. "Right, Sam?"

I can't bring myself to a nod. "I-I don't know, Mel." I push myself off the counter and turn my back to her so I can walk out of the bathroom. "I don't know."

**Woah, hope you guys aren't too freaked out about the bomb dropped in this chapter! Let me know what you think of Sam and Melanie's sister in reviews, and how you feel about Melanie's decision to adopt her, lol. Thanks for reading, and remember that reviews are greatly appreciated!**


	19. Chapter 19

"I'll see you tomorrow, right Carls?" I ask into the phone. "Alright. Have fun and good luck. Don't fall on stage or anything."

I hear Carly chuckle on the other end and feel a pang in my chest. "Okay...that's fine. Let me know how it goes." I finish, ending the call and slamming the phone on the table after I'm done. I clamp my teeth over my lip and resist the urge to dwell on this any longer. I feel bad that I left Carly to graduate without Freddie or me. We have to be in the apartment in New York for our meeting with social services and Ava this afternoon, meaning that both of us and Melanie has to be present. Meaning that both of us have to miss our high school graduation.

"You talking to Carly?" Freddie catches my shoulder as he walks past, swinging an arm around me. "How is she?"

"Good." I say quietly, straightening my shirt over my baby bump. "She didn't seem too nervous."

Freddie nods as Melanie walks past out room, letting her eyes graze over me in disbelief. "Sam!" She yells. "You're not ready yet!"

"No." I look down at the t-shirt and sweatpants I slept in. "I'm not."

"They're gonna be here in an hour! This place is a mess, I told you to clean your room! They don't take these things lightly, they're going to question us! You better be prepared to talk to them!"

"Okay, _mom_." I snarl. "I'll clean, I'll be ready. Give me a second to wake up."

Melanie rolls her eyes. "It's 12:30." She responds as she continues to run around the apartment in attempt to ready everything for the service worker coming with our little sister soon. They're just going to talk to us and Ava and make sure we're stable, and then send her on her way. It's completely terrifying that after the worker leaves we'll have a kid to care for. An eleven year old child to think and worry about constantly. One that I didn't even know existed three weeks ago.

I run a hand through my hair and glance at Freddie, who picks up a pregnancy book on the floor in attempt to clean up. He doesn't help much, just flips through the book slowly. "We should probably get ready." He mumbles, glancing up at me.

"I know." I say, inching myself closer to him and pulling my arms around his neck to press our lips together. "But I don't really feel like it."

"Sam!" My sister yells just as I push Freddie on the bed, my lips still attached to his. "Jesus!" She walks in, a hand on her hip. "The door was open, you idiots. Get ready."

I laugh and push myself off of him, glancing down at the book I knocked out of his hands. "If I'm being honest," I start "I haven't even opened this."

"My first time too." Freddie shrugs. "What's it talking about?"

I flip to one of the last chapters, reading about giving birth and how to predict the exact due date of your baby. "Twins are mostly always born early." I mutter. "I knew that." I _knew_ that because of me and Mel's birthday, but never really thought about it with my twins. "Which means the boys will be here sooner than October. Maybe even August." I mutter. "_Shit_."

"That's good." Freddie sighs. "The sooner the better, huh?"

I raise an eyebrow as I lay down fully on the bed and stare up at the ceiling fan. I'm excited to not be pregnant; to have two babies, but everything is going so fast. I'm still sort of doubting our ability to make this work. "Sort of." I mutter as Freddie swings an arm around me, drawing soft circles on my exposed stomach. "Did you think about names?"

"We've already got one." He says, taking my hand in his and looking down at it. "Give me another."

"I don't know." I mumble. "Anyone important in your family with a nice name?"

He thinks about this for second, finally stating "No, not really. My dad's name was Leonard but-"

"No way."

He nods. "I know."

I sigh, lifting myself off the bed to gather a bunch of clothes I never bothered to clear off the floor since we moved in. I shrug and toss them in the closet, knowing that I'm way too unmotivated to clean anything else right now. "What am I supposed to wear to this thing...what about Griffin?" I ask without missing a beat.

"Griffin?" Freddie repeats, crinkling his nose. "Sounds weird with Owen. And wasn't that boyfriend of Carly's named Griffin? The one who collected-"

"Oh my god!" I laugh, smacking him on the chest playfully. "I completely forgot about him."

"Wish I had." He jokes. "How about...Anthony?"

"No. Too...49 year old man."

"If you say so." He chuckles as I survey my closet for clothes to wear. I hardly owned anything dressy before I got pregnant, now the choices are even slimmer.

"Lucas?" Freddie asks.

I pause what I'm doing to look up at him with a nod, placing a hand on my hip. "I like that."

"Mel?" I call.

My sister appears in the doorway with crossed arms. "Huh?"

"What do you think about the name Lucas?"

"Lucas." She repeats, giving me a steady nod. "I love it! But get-"

"Ready." I cut her off. "I know, I'm working on it. Thanks."

She raises an eyebrow and walks away frantically, trying to make sure the apartment is spotless before the social worker arrives with our sister. I turn to Freddie on the bed and walk closer to him, swinging my arms around his neck and planting a small kiss on his cheek. "Owen and Lucas." I mutter. "Sounds nice."

He kisses me again and I force myself to pull away, getting off the bed and walking down the hall into Melanie's room. "I need something to wear." I announce and she gives me a quick once over.

"Um." Mel says quietly, walking to her closet which is stocked with way too many clothes. "What about this?" She holds up a striped dress, muttering "It's pretty stretchy, I figured-"

"Thanks." I cut her off, taking the dress out of her hands. "I'll try it on."

I walk into mine and Freddie's room, taking off my shirt and kicking my sweatpants to the floor. I attempt to pull the dress over me and sigh at my reflection once it's on, glancing at Freddie. "Baby? Is this okay?"

He gives me a small smile. "Yeah." He mumbles, walking towards me and moving his arms to my stomach. "You look beautiful." He kisses my forehead and I fall into his embrace.

"Hey, you don't look too bad yourself." I pat his torso and he smiles, glancing at me.

"I love you, Sam." Freddie mutters, running a hand over my cheek.

I return his smile, softly running my hands over his chest. Freddie toys with something in his pocket then clears his throat. "I figured I'd ask you this now, before everything gets too hectic." He says, taking my hand in his. "I love you so much, baby. And I was wondering if you would-"

"They're here!" Melanie's screech sends Freddie's voice to a halt and he glares in her direction, giving me a small kiss on the cheek.

"We're not done with this conversation, alright?"

"Alright." I reply with a chuckle, walking into the living room with my distraught sister. She smooths her dress and looks over her shoulder to eye me, nodding somberly.

"Okay." She whispers. "Act a lot nicer than you actually are."

"Thanks?" I reply, glancing at Freddie next to me. I can't help but feel nervous as Mel twists the nob and I'm aware that I'm about to see my sister for the first time. My heart pounds in my chest as Melanie grins nervously at the social worker, a middle aged woman with long blond

hair. She takes a step in the house and sets Ava's few bags down. When she moves aside I'm able to finally see my sister's short brown hair and blue denim dress. She's short with tiny facial features and a toothy smile. She has blunt bangs across her forehead and thin, chapped lips. I know exactly what Mel meant when she said that she has our face.

"Hi." I smile at the social worker, outreaching my hand. "I'm Sam."

"Sophia. Nice to meet you, Sam."

"And...hey, Ava." I crouch down to stare at my younger sister, her big brown eyes gleaming in my direction.

She giggles nervously at first, finally saying. "Hi, Sam."

Her voice is high pitched and adorable and she seems pretty confident, hardly acting shy around Freddie or I. I'm almost already in love with her, feeling lightheaded as I smile down at the half sister I had no idea existed a month ago.

"Let's look around the apartment." Sophia suggests. Mel nods solemnly, guiding the way.

"This" She says, standing in front of everyone with a smile. "is Ava's room."

I look at the living room, impressed with the way Melanie set it up. She disguised the pullout couch with a pink bedspread and set up a small bedside table next to it. The chairs that sat there before remain in the same spot, doubling our sisters room as a living area as well. It isn't much, but it's something. I glance at Sophia, who nods sternly at the room. And then at Ava, who smiles softly.

"Here's the kitchen." Freddie continues walking, giving Sophia and Ava a chance to walk inside the small area.

Sophia nods. "Okay."

"To the left we've got mine and Carly's bedroom." Melanie explains. "She's graduating today so she isn't home, but uh, it's a pretty big room as you can see." She waits a second for the two of them to survey the room, and finally the social worker nods. "Sam and Freddie's room is down the hall. The twins are gonna be sleeping there once they're born."

Sophia doesn't give us a chance to show her the master, she just smiles solemnly and turns to Freddie. "Do you mind taking Ava to your room, show her around a little bit?"

"Of course not." He smiles, raising an eyebrow at my younger sister. "C'mon Ava, you should see the view in there."

"Cool!" She exclaims as a tiny grin peaks out from under her lips. I watch as they walk down the hall and into our bedroom, letting an identical smile cross over my mouth.

"Shall we talk?" Sophia asks, tearing me out of my thoughts.

I raise an eyebrow at Melanie and nod. "Of course."

She leads us into the living room/Ava's room and sits on one of the chairs. Mel sits next to her and I hesitantly walk to Ava's bed, crossing my legs as I make myself comfortable. "Obviously" Sophia starts. "you two are experimenting with some pretty close living quarters."

"It _is_ New York." I smile softly. "But we're in a great location. There's a variety of great schools nearby for her, it's extremely safe. One of the best areas to raise a child in Manhattan."

"I'm well aware." She says sternly, glancing at her clipboard. "I need to know that everyone in this house is 100% ready to deal with every trial and tribulation Ava is going to bring."

Melanie nods. "Of course. Sam and I grew up in a home similar to Ava's and I definitely think we'll be able to relate with her on that level."

I speak up with "Carly loves kids and I'm sure that they'll bond as soon as they met. I mean...I'm about to be a mother so obviously-"

Sophia cuts me off with "Do you honestly think you will be able to raise this child in a loving, stable environment?"

"No doubt that we will." Mel smiles nervously, straightening her hands over her skirt.

"That means no one is breaking up, moving out and moving back in, correct?" She eyes me. "Freddie _is_ the father of your children, Sam?"

I bite my lip. "Yes." I mutter harshly. "He is."

"This is a rare case." Sophia states. "I have never seen a child be handed off to a group of teenagers like this, but it seems that for Ava this is ideal. You two are obviously intelligent, caring sisters that will leave Ava in the best care possible. That doesn't mean we're going to leave you alone, though. We'll start off with monthly meetings and depending how that goes keep spreading them farther apart. Do you understand me?"

"Yes!" Mel exclaims, probably a little too fast. She bites her lip and stands up suddenly, awkwardly reaching her hand out to our social worker. "Thank you. I promise we will take the best care possible of our little sister."

Sophia gives us a small smile and hands Melanie a manilla folder. "Here are her medical records, her personal information." She says. "Now let me have one more word with her."

"I'll get them." I mutter, walking down the hall and twisting the bedroom door. Freddie's head is sticking out of the window and Ava is below him, her hands pushing on the ledge so she can see over. I smile at the sight, walking to my boyfriend and ruffling his hair. "They want you guys out there." I glance at my sister. "To say goodbye to Sophia."

She knows what this means, perking up at my words and racing down the hall. I turn to Freddie with wide eyes. "How was it?"

"She's a sweet kid." He sighs as I walk down the hallway in his embrace. "I don't think we'll have too much of a problem getting to know her."

I walk back into the living room and watch as Sophia gives Ava one last hug, muttering "I'll see you in a month, okay?"

Ava nods and Mel thanks Sophia quietly, smiling at her as she sets on her way. I wrap an arm around Freddie and glance at him softly, raising an eyebrow as if to say 'now what?'

Melanie eyes me as I ask my younger sister "What do you wanna do, A?"

She shrugs. "We could unpack."

"Only if you want to." I reply and she nods, glancing at Mel and Freddie.

"I'm gonna go to the laundromat. You need anything done, Sam?" Melanie asks, obviously not wanting to bombard Ava too much on her first day.

I shake my head. "I'm fine."

"I'll go with her." Freddie kisses my forehead. "Love you, baby."

"Love you." I reply as he shuts the door behind them.

"So..." I turn to my younger sister who is sitting on one of the chairs in the living room, her legs crossed. "Do you like the city so far?"

"I dunno." She smiles. "It's big."

"Yeah, well." I respond. "I'm used to big cities. Have you ever been to Seattle?"

She shakes her head as I begin to open a suitcase and rummage through it. "I'm sure we'll take you some time. That's where I grew up. Melanie was in boarding school in Texas for a few years."

"She told me."

"Good." I smile slyly, unsure of what else to say to my younger sister.

"What are the babies names?" She asks, eyes wide with curiosity.

"The babies?" I glance down at my stomach. "Lucas and Owen." I mutter proudly.

She smiles. "I like those! When are you gonna have them?"

"Who knows?" I raise an eyebrow. "At the end of the summer, probably."

"Wow." Ava says as she removes her violin case from a suitcase and places it on the bed. "I can't wait."

I smile as she opens the case and stares at her violin, taking out a small picture next to it. "Who's that?" I ask, sitting next to her.

She looks down. "My mom."

"She's pretty." I give her a soft smile.

"Yeah." Ava sighs. "She used to play the violin. She was really good."

"Wow..." I whisper, hesitantly moving an arm around her.

"I just wish she could see me now. Maybe she'd be proud of me, you think?" Her tone is sweet, not sad like I would expect it to be. Her innocence in this matter upsets me, the fact that she's completely used to death and sadness in her life at only twelve years old.

"Ava..." I mumble. "C'mon. She is proud of you."

She looks at me hesitantly with wide eyes. "You're sure?"

"Yeah, sweetie. I'm sure." I say, abruptly getting off the bed to walk a few steps into the kitchen. "Now...you want something to eat?"

"Do you have any fatcakes?"

**Let me know** **how you liked the first chapter with Ava, and please review!**


	20. Chapter 20

I sit with my arms crossed over the kitchen table, a pregnancy book in my hands turned to a page about birth defects. Melanie stands in front of me holding a clear bottle.

I watch skeptically as she fills up half a glass with the transparent liquid and sips down, wincing as it stings her throat.

I raise my eyebrows. "You know it's 10 in the morning, right?"

She shrugs. "I hardly slept."

"That's not a credible excuse, Melanie."

Another shrug. "I know."

She puts the bottle in the fridge and sighs, closing the silver door and turning away from me. "You never used to do this" I call out. "even when things got bad with mom." With a raised eyebrow I lift myself up and mutter "You okay?"

"I'm fine." She snarls, still avoiding eye contact with me.

"You're stressed."

Mel rolls her eyes. "No shit."

I lower my voice to a whisper, seeing as Ava is in Melanie's room practicing her violin. "You adopted a kid, Melanie. You can't be getting drunk at 10 am."

"First of all, you're not my mother. And I'm not drunk, Sam. I drank half a glass of vodka, sue me."

"Fine..." I move my hands up in defense. "It's fine. Just don't let this become a daily thing. Don't let yourself become mo-"

"Don't finish that statement." She warns, eyes narrowed at me. "I am nothing like that unbearable excuse for a woman!"

"Melanie!" I exclaim, widening my eyes and lowering my voice. "Ava's in the other room. Shut up."

"I don't think I'm the one that needs to shut up." She says, grazing her eyes over me.

"Maybe you are, Mel. She came from a broken house, we don't need to let her in on our family life. That's only gonna upset the kid."

"Then you shouldn't have brought it up." She snickers.

"Look," I soften my voice in attempt to reason with her. "I was just saying that...you shouldn't be doing this. Drinking solved none of her problems and it's not going to solve any of yours."

With a scoff Melanie says "God, shut up. You'd be doing the same damn thing if you weren't" She glances at my stomach, her voice coming out in a mocking tone "_expecting_."

"That's not true."

"Yeah, right." She laughs bitterly. "Remember that one Christmas where you were-"

"Mel." I warn.

She continues anyway. "You were shit faced drunk the entire time I was home. I thought we were gonna have to send you to rehab or something."

"I was fourteen, Melanie. Like I had a clue what I was doing."

"Well isn't this the pot calling the kettle black." She sneers, glancing at my stomach again. "You're not perfect either, _slut_." I narrow my eyes at her. I'm not surprised by her harsh words, and they hardly sting like they would have a few months ago. I just snicker as Melanie walks out of the kitchen and into her room. I can vaguely hear her voice get soft as she greets Ava.

I roll my eyes as the front door creaks open and Freddie walks in, arms full of groceries. "Hey, baby." He mutters, placing them on the table. "When's Carls getting in?"

"Three." I say, my voice laced in annoyance.

"So..." He wraps his arms around me from behind. "I've got something to tell you."

"Huh?" I mutter, crossing my arms over my chest and tuning out his voice with the sound of Ava's violin.

"I got an interview!"

"An interview." I repeat, giving him a blank look until I vaguely remember him applying at The Pear Store a few weeks ago. "Oh." He stares at me, waiting for my response. "Um, congrats, baby. I'm sure you'll get the job." I reply, my eyes focused on the ground.

"Are you okay?" He asks skeptically.

"Yeah, I'm just sort of tired. My backs been killing me. I'm gonna go to the deli down the block, get some of that-"

"Ham you like?" He lifts something out of one of the paper bags on the table and waves it in front of my face. "I got some."

I shake my head. "I'm just going for walk, I'll, uh, see you."

"Sam..." Freddie mumbles as I'm already walking out the door.

"C'mon, Ave!" I call down the hall, noticing as the music she was playing comes to a halt. My brunette sister pops out of Melanie's room. "Let's go on a walk. You ready?"

She nods excitedly. "Yeah!"

I glance at Melanie who has her arms crossed over her chest in disgust. She rolls her eyes as Ava and I walk out the door.

* * *

><p>"Carly!"<p>

I watch as my best friends eyes widen in surprise and she glances at me, letting out a small laugh. "Sam...what are you guys doing here?"

"Surprise!" Ava says as she returns Carly's grin.

"Yeah, surprise Carls. How was your flight?" I ask, taking a bag out of her hands.

She tugs it out of my arms with a deliberate smirk. "I've got it."

"So Ava," I smile at my younger sister. "this is Carly. Carly, Ava."

"Hey, Ava. Nice to meet you." Carly smiles in her direction. Her gaze drifts to me as she lowers her voice. "How's everything been?"

"Well..." I raise an eyebrow. "you know how Melanie is." I whisper.

"Yeah?"

I shake my head as Ava walks ahead of us, flailing her arm out to hail a cab. I wrap an arm around her to pull her away from the road. "You should talk to her. She's..."

"What?"

"Drinking a lot. I know it's not a big deal because she's Mel but," My gaze drifts to Ava. "you know."

"I know." She lowers her voice. "So Ava's been..."

"Good." I finish for her, glancing at my younger sister in front of us. "She's such a great kid, and we've only had her for a week but she's...she's fine." A cab pulls up and Carly unloads her bags in the trunk. I slide in next to her, Ava at the left end. I give the driver the address of our apartment building and glance back at my best friend, who gives me a steady nod.

"The apartment?"

"Uh, we made a schedule. You know, for who goes to the grocery store, the laundromat, does the dishes, cleans the bathroom, all that shit. It switches every week."

"Wow," Carly says with a steady nod. "I'm impressed."

"Yeah, it hasn't completely sucked and oh! Freddie got a job interview at The Pear Store! Mel was talking about enrolling in cosmetology school in the summer. She'd have a license to work with hair by September if she takes enough classes."

"You think she will?"

I shrug. "Maybe, she's good at stuff like that."

Carly looks down with a nod. "I picked another name for the babies." I mutter.

Her eyes light up. "What is it?"

"Lucas."

She raises her eyebrow. "Lucas." She repeats. "That's cute."

"Thanks." I murmur, glancing over my sisters shoulder out the window. "Ave, what movie you wanna watch tonight?"

She takes a second to decide on this before shrugging "I don't care!" She moves her hand across the cab to poke Carly on the shoulder. "Carly should pick. It _is_ her first night."

"Carly?" I direct my gaze to her. "You wanna pick?"

She gives me a small laugh. "Yeah, sure. I'd love to pick."

"Good!" Ava says with a smile, smoothing her hair and turning her head to gaze out the window. I study her for a second. I'm still amazed at how easily she adjusted to this, how easily she and I became close.. She's clicked with everyone in the house in only a few days.

She mentions her mom a little bit, a lot more than she mentions our dad. He's never come up in conversation so far and it sort of worries me. I don't want her to have such a bad connotation of him. I know what kind of person he is, I know he's a shitty excuse for a parent, and I can't help but assume the worst in Ava's case. I want to know that he treated her right.

"Here we are." Ava says to the driver, pulling me out of my thoughts. I pull a few bucks out of my pocket and hand them over, giving him a small smile as we get out of the cab.

"It's like I never even left Seattle." Carly grimaces, staring at the dark, cloudy sky.

I raise an eyebrow as we open the door to the apartment building and walk a few feet to the elevator, pressing the button with a hand on my stomach. Carly follows with all of her bags and my younger sister behind me. "The apartment's a mess." I mumble over my shoulder.

"Shocking." She snarls.

We get into the elevator and ride up to our floor. Walking through the hallway, I come to our door and swing it open. "Carly's home!" Ava exclaims. Carls walks ahead of me and throws her bags on a chair, nodding at Freddie with a small smile.

"Hey, Carls. How was the flight?"

"Fine." She replies, letting her eyes scan the room. "You weren't kidding when you said this place is a mess." She shakes her head. "When's the last time you guys cleaned?"

"We've been busy!" I say defensively, leaning an arm on Freddie's shoulder.

Ava asks "Where's Melanie?"

I turn to Freddie, who shrugs and points to her room. Carly shoots me a look and shakes her head, but I raise an eyebrow defensively. "I'll be right back." I mutter, grabbing one of Carly's bags off the chair and fitting it around my wrist. I walk down the hallway and twist the knob of Carly and Mel's room, only to find out that it's locked. "Melanie. I've gotta put Carly's shit down. Let me in."

I hear the door click and I give my sister a suspicious glance. "What are you doing in here?"

"Nothing..." She says quietly. "Listen, Sam...I-"

"What." I give her a bored expression as I toss Carly's bag on her bed.

With a sigh she mutters "I want to apologize about earlier. I shouldn't of called you-"

"I don't really care what you called me, Melanie. You know that."

"Yeah." She huffs, sitting on the other bed. "I know."

"Is this gonna become a regular thing?"

"I don't know." She whispers, tearing her gaze away from me. "I love Ava. I really do...but now it's like...I have a child. And I have to take care of someone and I have to make sure she's always happy! But I can't do that. I suck at this, I can't even make sure that _I'm_ always happy!"

I raise an eyebrow and her gaze locks on mine as she opens her mouth in a gasp. "Sam..." She mumbles. "This is how you've felt the whole time, huh?"

"Uh," I pause to place a hand on my stomach. "Yeah. It passes over time but I haven't even had the kids yet so..._yeah_."

She shakes her head. "I'm sorry."

I don't know what else to tell her. I'm not going to flat out make her never drink or smoke again, I don't have that sort of power over her. "It'll get better in time, Mel."

She takes a deep breath. "Yeah...I, uh, figured."

I lift myself off of the bed and motion towards the kitchen. "C'mon, let's do something."

She nods slowly and gets off the bed herself as I open the door and call out to Freddie "Did you get those shitty four minute soft pretzels I've been craving?"

"I think so." He says. "In the cupboard?"

I frown as I walk to the kitchen and notice that nobody ever actually thought to put the groceries away. The kitchen table is still covered in plastic bags that I rummage through in order to find the pretzels Freddie apparently bought. "Mel?" I ask my sister who stands against the door frame with her arms crossed. "You really wanna do something to apologize?"

"Uh-"

I cut her off with "Get me some of that mustard I like. That French stuff, you know. What's it called?"

"I know what you're talking about." She murmurs, pointing out the living room window. "Now?"

"Yeah," I shrug "now."

She shakes her head. "It's pouring out there."

I look at her pointedly. "You're from Seattle."

"Fine." She sighs. "I'll get you some of that stupid-"

"Thanks, Mel!" I say before she can even finish, shooing her out the door.

"I'm gonna take a shower." I call out to everyone in the living room. "Carls, do you mind putting those pretzels in the oven?"

"Nah." She says loudly. I walk down the hallway and into the bathroom slowly, shutting the door behind me. I'm not too surprised to hear it creak open a second later.

I chuckle at the sight of Freddie. "Mind if I join you?"

"Nope." I lift my shirt over my head and wait for him to do the same. "It's been awhile."

"Yeah," He huffs, intertwining our fingers. His gaze meets mine and he doesn't try to fight it, just gives me a small sigh. "I've been meaning to ask you..." He trails off.

I poke his chest lightly. "What?"

He manages a small smile as he runs a hand over my shoulder. "Do you wanna get married?"

"Married." I repeat with a shake of my head. "I, uh...no. Not really."

"Not really?" He murmurs. "Why?"

"Don't we need a better reason, not just because you knocked me up?" I ask pointedly.

"Yeah, and we have one. I love you-"

I shake my head and pull my shirt back on. "No. Not yet, at least."

"Sam..." He says softly, running a hesitant hand through my hair. "We could do it tonight, we could go to a chapel-"

"I'm well aware. I just have other things to focus on, Fredward. I want to marry you. Someday."

"Look, I didn't mean to piss you off-" I stop his words as I push past him on my way out. "That's it?" I hear him call behind me. "Sam."

He catches up with me and locks his eyes with mine, giving my glassy eyes a steady look. I have no idea why I'm getting so emotional, why I even rejected him in the first place. "Oh...baby. I'm sorry."

I shake my head. "It's fine, Ava are you hungry? You want a pretzel?"

"Sam." Freddie narrows his eyes.

"Freddie." I reply in a tone identical to his, keeping my arms over my chest as I stare at my little sister. "Ave?"

"Uh, yeah. I'll have a pretzel." She murmurs, eyes focused on the tv.

"Okay." I place a few pretzels on a cookie sheet and preheat the oven, leaning against it with my arms crossed over my chest.

"You can't avoid everything in your life." Freddie mumbles pointedly, suddenly standing in front of my face.

I roll my eyes. "I'm not avoiding anything," I lie, tearing my gaze away from him. "_asshole_."

**Thanks for reading and make sure to write a review! **


	21. Chapter 21

"Ava? Have you seen Melanie?" I ask loudly with one hand on my hip and the other resting on my stomach.

She takes her hand off the bow of the violin and shrugs. "Nope."

"Fantastic." I huff, glancing at my phone. "Then you're coming with me, let's go."

"You know, I'm old enough to stay home alone." She says pointedly.

I glare at her as I begin walking out the door. "I said let's go."

"Fine." She mutters quietly, following behind me as we take the elevator downstairs and walk out to the warm New York air.

"What are you finding out at the doctors today?" Ava asks as we walk down the crowded street. I stick my hand out to her and offer her a shrug.

"Nothing special. Just a check up."

"Oh!" She exclaims. "Will they do an ultrasound?"

"Yeah." I say softly, yanking her across the street. "C'mon, it's right up here."

"Is Freddie coming?" Her voice is high pitched and innocent.

"Nope." I mumble, swinging the door open.

"Why not?"

"He's got, uh, an interview." I sit down on a waiting room chair and glance back at my younger sister. "Did you see Melanie last night?"

"Yeah. I heard her leave late at night."

"God." I roll my eyes, crossing my arms over my chest and glancing down at my phone. "Where the hell are you? You had to watch Ava this morning, thanks a lot." I type with narrowed eyes, hardly caring how bad it sounds and pressing send to my inconsiderate sister.

If it weren't for her irresponsible actions I wouldn't have been in such a terrible mood since the beginning of the day. I woke up after Carly had left for her sixth day of her new job and Freddie was just getting ready for his interview. Melanie was supposed to be there to watch Ava while I got ready and went to the doctors. I'm hardly surprised that she turned out to be M.I.A. By the time I got out of bed everyone except Ava had left, and I had to leave for this pain in the ass doctors appointment I had scheduled for this morning. Which brings me to right now, sitting in the tiny, boring waiting room of a OBGYN six blocks away from my apartment.

"Sam Puckett?"

I raise an eyebrow at Ava as we get up from our seats and walk towards the young blond nurse who gives us an easy smile and leads us into our room. "Today is your six month check up?"

I nod and she smiles. "I'm Sierra." She has to be no more than twenty, and I'm wondering how the hell she got a job here. "I've been interning here for the year, you're my first actual check up!" I raise an eyebrow skeptically.

Sierra motions to a cot on the side of the small room. "Go ahead and lay down here." She mutters, pulling out a bottle of blue gel to spread over my stomach. I glance down at Ava who stares up at the nurse with wide eyes, obviously excited by this experience. "Okay." Sierra clears her throat as she stares at the computer opposite to me. "I'm just doing a routine check up now." She moves her device over my stomach and I shiver at the cold gel hitting my skin.

I watch as the nurse's eyes scan the computer deliberately. She narrows her eyes at something and stares at it quizzically. "Everything's been normal?"

I nod. "Yep."

"Right. The twins seem to be the ideal weight and length for 24 weeks...but, uh..." She squints at the computer again, slowly opening her mouth then closing it. "Um.." She says quietly, making eye contact with me but quickly pulling her eyes away. "I-I think there's something wrong with the computer. I'm gonna go get a doc-" She doesn't finish her stammering, just points to the door and walks out with her hand on her head.

Ava gives me a look. "What happened?"

"Nothing, Ave. The computer wasn't working." I mutter, glancing at my nails. When I look back up I notice that her eyes are still widened and scared.

"It doesn't seem like it was nothing! What if something's wrong?" She asks quickly and worriedly.

I roll my eyes. "You're such a hypochondriac. Everything's-"

I'm cut off by a doctor rushing in our room, not even bothering to introduce himself. I just raise an eyebrow as I watch him walk by the computer and widen his eyes, nodding slowly. He nervously glances at Sierra, who returns his nod. "Well, Sam." he clears his throat. "It seems we have a problem."

"A..._problem_?" I whisper as Ava grasps my hand.

Silence passes through the room for a second as the doctor looks at the computer and shakes his head. I begin to feel nauseous as Ava's hand tightens around mine, not letting myself stare into her big eyes before the doctor's voice interrupts my thoughts.

"One of your fetuses seems to have a heart or circulation problem."

A heart or circulation problem. There's _no fucking way._

I clamp a hand over my mouth and attempt to keep my breathing intact. I'm not sure what this means, but I know it's bad. Maybe really bad, maybe moderately bad. Maybe fatal. Heart problems aren't fucking casual. Oh god.

The doctor states "This is not impossible to treat. We are not completely sure what the specific problem is, and we'll have to transfer you to Lenox Hill Hospital where they will perform a foetal echocardiography. This will help you know if your child's cardiac malformation is associated with additional structural or chromosomal problems. It is helpful that we become aware of the problem as soon as possible to give the unborn baby the best care we can manage."

I shake my head. I stopped listening after he told me he'll have to transfer me to the hospital. A heart or circulation problem. I keep repeating those four words in my head. Heart or circulation problem. A heart problem. A fetus with a heart problem. The way the doctor came rushing in here. The fact that they have to transfer me to a hospital to perform a test. How I can hear my little sister's uneven breathing from under me, and feel the doctor's sympathetic gaze on my stomach. This isn't a goddamn joke.

Ava's high pitched voice shakes me out of my warped thoughts. "Is he gonna be okay?"

The doctor stares down at his clipboard then back to me, giving me a reassuring glance before he breaks some of the worst possible news to me. "We won't know until we test the mother and child seriously."

Ava opens her mouth and clamps a hand over it. I know she wants someone to tell her it'll be okay. I want it too. "Only one twin?" She whispers.

"The other is completely unaffected." Sierra replies, her eyes sad as she glances at my younger sister and I. "This problem is usually discovered at around 19 weeks. You're lucky it's only been unnoticed for about a month. It's best that the mother knows before the child is born."

I nod uneasily, not hearing a word she's saying. My brain is spinning, I feel like I'm going to puke. "Um...right, right."

Ava widens her eyes and shakes her head. "But he's gonna be okay right?" She looks up at me for reassurance. "Right?"

"Ave..." I mutter softly, running a hand over her hair. "Shh..."

"You don't know! Nobody knows! Nobody knows if he's gonna be okay!" Her lip trembles and she bites it, trying to stop the avalanche of tears from pouring out. It hardly works though, and one bitter tear slips down her cheek.

Sierra just takes a deep breath and looks down. "I can give you some information on it. We'll make an appointment at the hospital for tomorrow, and once we find out exactly what the condition is we'll be able to focus in on it." She hands me a stack of papers titled 'Heart problems in babies.'

I accept it, feeling dizzy and nauseous. "Um...uh...thanks. Thank you." I stammer, trying to pull myself out of the daze I entered.

Ava's voice becomes increasingly louder. "He's not going to die, right? Tell me he's not going to die!"

Sierra and the doctor share a glance at I have to hold a secure hand over my mouth to ensure that I don't blow chunks all over the damn doctors office. They don't know. They seriously do not know if he's gonna be okay. "C-come on, Ava..."

"If you have any problems or concerns please go to the hospital immediately." Sierra says softly. "You have an appointment at Lenox at 12 tomorrow. They'll determine the official problem there."

I nod softly, unable to focus on Sierra or the doctor, especially not my younger sister. I'm not sure if I've completely dissected this information yet. I'm not sure if I want to. I just found out that one of my twins has a serious, potentially fatal, heart problem and I'm numb. Completely lost and unsure.

"Okay, Sam?" I glance up to see Sierra's sympathetic eyes focused on me.

I'm not sure what she just said to me but I mutter an uneasy "Okay." anyway, lifting myself off the cot and squeezing the paper in my hand, ripping through it with my nails. I walk slowly down the narrow hallway and back into the waiting room, finally stepping out of the goddamn place.

My sister looks up at me with big eyes. She doesn't need to say anything before she pulls me into a tight hug, keeping a steady hand on my stomach even after I pull away. "L-Let's go home." She stammers.

She's the one to grasp my hand now, pulling me behind her softly. "Yeah, yeah Ava. It'll, um, get better at home." I tell her. Her eyes are unconvinced. So are mine.

* * *

><p>I hesitantly move the door open to notice the sound of the tv up way too high. I scan my eyes over the room and see Melanie who sits with her legs swung over a chair and a wet washcloth on her head. I make sure to slam the door hard enough to wake her up, where she moves her head and the washcloth falls to the ground.<p>

"Sam?" She asks with squinted eyes.

"Fucking _Christ_, Melanie!" I yell, finally breaking my numbness with what emotion I express best: anger. I don't care that Ava is standing no more than two feet away. Not right now. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

She crinkles her nose and adjusts her position, hugging her knees to her chest. "Shh," She whispers, moving her elbow to her head. "I'm sick."

"Sick." I repeat, walking five fucking steps into the kitchen where I pull a half empty bottle of rum off the island. I swing it in front of her with a shake of my head. "Great solution for a night of drinking. Avoid all your responsibilities and come back home at half past noon so you can get fucked up all over again!"

This gets her attention and she opens her mouth quickly, moving a hand to her hip. "Why the hell do you care what I do?"

"I don't know, Melanie! Maybe because you've got some fucking things to do around here, believe it or not! And I don't want you around anybody in this house when you do shit like this!"

"You're not my _mother_." She snarls. "And you're not any better yourself. I mean," My sister lets her eyes graze me, then directs them to Ava. "look at you right now."

I'm suddenly aware of how cold and chapped my fingers are from squeezing the bottle so hard. I hardly think before I launch it to the wall opposite of me, watching without a wince as the yellow liquid stains the wall and glass splatters on the floor.

Melanie gets up from her chair and pulls Ava to her with a disgusted gasp plastered on her face. "Are you trying to get the fucking cops called? Jesus Christ, Sam, get a goddamn grip!" She jerks our younger sisters hand and begins pulling her out the door.

I almost completely lose it before Ava speaks up with a small "Wait!"

Mel stops in the doorway for a second then shakes her head. "C'mon Ava."

I glance at my brunette sister and notice the endless tears running down her face. The sound of her sniffling almost makes me break down.

Fuck. What did I do? She doesn't deserve to witness this. She shouldn't-

"Something bad happened at the doctor today! That's why Sam's upset! Just please...please let her talk..." She cries, bringing her hand to her face and escaping Melanie's grip to run back into the apartment. I hear a door slam seconds later and I slowly move my head up to face my sisters piercing glare.

"Something bad?" She asks quietly.

I nod, walking through the door and pulling the stack of papers Sierra handed me off the floor. I must've lost them sometime before I threw that bottle. I slowly move the stack to Melanie's hand and she deliberately takes it, letting her eyes graze over the title. "Fuck." She mutters after scanning a few lines. "Are they okay?"

I shake my head. "One of them is. The other...they...they don't know." I murmur, fighting her gaze on purpose. If I look over at her sad, sympathetic eyes I know I'll finally lose it. It's bound to happen in a few minutes.

"Oh, Sam." Her soft words push me over the edge and I throw myself in her embrace, sobbing loudly into her shoulder. "It's okay." She says soothingly, running a hand over my hair.

"It's not!" I exclaim just as the sound of the violin becomes loud in the room next to us. Ava is playing one of her fast pieces, a violent, jerky song she only plays when she's mad about something. "I probably fucking scarred our little sister for life." I pull out of her hug and glance at the wall, wondering if the stain will ever come out. "And the landlord's gonna be pissed as hell if we don't get every inch of this shit off."

She shakes her head. "It doesn't matter right now." She looks down so I can't see her glassy eyes. "Just...just tell me what they told you."

"They don't know much." My voice comes out shaky and I walk to the kitchen and pull out a chair at the table, facing my glare out the window. "I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow morning. A goddamn Sunday morning."

Melanie nods softly and takes a deep breath. "God." I bite my lip until I draw blood but it's unavoidable, the tears still come pouring out of my eyes. I move a hand over my face so my sister doesn't have to see.

The sound of the front door swinging open again forces my head up with an eyebrow raise at Freddie, who is immediately focused on the stain on the wall and the glass surrounding it. "What the hell happened?!"

I cross my arms over my chest as he walks towards me. His gaze softens when he sees the tears and smudged makeup surrounding my eyes. Melanie stares at me, shaking her head softly. She knows how hard it is to tell Freddie this. We both know exactly how he'll take it. "Sam..." He mutters, switching his gaze from me to Melanie. "You...had a doctors appointment today."

I nod and he raises his eyebrows at Melanie as if to ask her what happened. She glances at me to make sure it's okay and I give her permission with my eyes. She just shoves the papers towards him and mutters "One of the babies..."

"A heart problem?" He shakes his head. "But-"

"I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow." I whisper.

"On a Sunday." He murmurs. "Which means-"

"It's not good." Melanie finishes.

"Oh God." He whispers, shaking his head. "What else did they tell you? Is he gonna be okay?"

"I don't know, Fredward." I snarl with glassy eyes, walking out of the kitchen to avoid him having to see me cry. I let the tears run freely down my face as I enter my room and slam the door behind me, collapsing on the bed immediately.

I try not to let myself think about it for too long. I wait. For a distraction or something to tear my thoughts away from the fact my son's life is at risk and I have no goddamn idea what to do.

"Sam?"

I turn around at the tiny voice that comes from the doorway. "Ava...not now." I manage but she walks in anyway, a sad look on her face.

"What are you gonna do with the wall?" She asks innocently.

I shake my head. "I don't know."

"You know, my mom used to tell me that prayer fixes everything. She never really taught me how to pray but...I was improvising. I prayed for the twins. And for Melanie, and of course I prayed for you."

I give my younger sister a small smile as I nonchalantly wipe my face. "Um, thanks Ava."

"I think he'll be okay." She mumbles as I sit up on the bed. Ave's eyes ask me if she can touch my stomach and I nod softly as she places a hand on it. "He has to be okay, right?"

"Right." I clear my throat, still trying to drill that idea into my head. "Listen..." I mumble, running a hand through her knotted hair. "I'm really sorry about everything..."

"It's okay," She replies softly. "I understand. It's just like how dad would get when-"

I refuse to let myself hear the rest of what she's saying. "I'm sorry." My voice cracks and Ava's grasp around me tightens while I struggle to keep my breathing even. "I'm _really_ sorry."

**I really hope you guys like unnecessary drama, because I am obviously in love with it. Review and let me know what you thought of the chapter. More drama to come!**


	22. Chapter 22

I stand behind the camera with my arms crossed as Freddie announces "That's it for tonight!"

"Hopefully Sam," Carly glares at me. "will be better from her stomach flu next week!" She says with an all too promising smile.

Freddie's voice is low. "We'll see you guys next Saturday."

"Yeah." Carly replies with annoyed eyes. "Bye."

"Wow." I mutter once the camera stops rolling. "Great show. So much enthusiasm."

"I wouldn't be talking, Sam." Carly snarls, moving away from our spot in the living room where we did iCarly this week. She walks to the kitchen and swings the fridge open to take an apple out. "Where's Melanie?"

"The burning question." Freddie mumbles, bringing his eyes to me. "You okay?"

He's knows I'm not, I don't need to tell him that. "Are you coming tomorrow?" I place a hand on my hip.

"Course." He mutters.

"Alright." I nod steadily and walk down the hallway and into the master bedroom. The two cribs sit in the corner of the room, still in their boxes. Neither of us have had the time or energy to set them up, especially not after the news I got today. I ignore the cribs and place Melanie's laptop on the bed instead, opening it as Freddie comes in the room. His eye catches the unopened cribs as well and he shrugs at them, walking over to one and pulling out a pamphlet of instructions.

"This can't be too hard." He murmurs as I nod along quietly, not really paying attention to what he's saying.

"I didn't ask you," I say mindlessly. "how'd the interview go?"

He shrugs. "I think I've got a pretty good chance."

"Oh," I mumble as I type 'New York City Community Colleges' into the Zaplook web search. "That's good."

"Yeah." He huffs, opening the box for the first time and pulling some disassembled parts out. I redirect my eyes back to the page and begin to scroll down.

"I think I wanna go to school," I mutter. "in the fall."

Freddie looks up to meet his gaze with mine. We both know that right now isn't the right time to make life decisions. I just need to say something else to get my mind off the terrible news I found out this morning. "Me too."

"But," I shake my head, knowing that this is impossible. I can't go to school in the fall, not directly after the twins are born. The only schooling I'll be able to do is online, and even that isn't easy. It costs money that we don't have. Especially after finding out that one of my twins has a life threatening heart condition. We both know that none of this will be free. "I know that I won't be able to."

Freddie looks up at me with sympathetic eyes and I know that our thoughts are the same.

"Can you come-" I don't have to say anything else as Freddie drops the directions he was studying to move next to me and wrap an arm around me, taking my hand in his.

"What do you wanna go to school for?" He asks quietly.

"I'm not completely sure yet but I've been thinking...maybe a sexual assault therapist." I admit as I sink deeper in his embrace.

"I know you'd be perfect for that..." He starts, inching his head closer to mine so we can make eye contact. "But are you sure that wouldn't bring back...you know?"

"No. It'd be hard but it's something I need to do. Girls like me...they deserve somebody." I say quietly as an image of my twin sister pops in my mind. I need to actually talk to Melanie, not just yell at her. She's not in the best state of mind right now, she has all the reasons not to be. But she can't afford that, not with a child to take care of and two more that will be entering this house in a month or so. She's always out, drinking more and more every damn day. It's not fair to let her sink deeper into this. I'm just not sure how to pull her out, not anymore.

I don't tell Freddie this. He knows Melanie's been drinking and that's about it. He has no idea how many times I've found her drunk in the middle of the day, how many times I've seen her passed out on the living room floor after coming home at 5:30 am. We've only lived here for a month and I can't count these instances on my fingers anymore. It scares me. For her, and in my own selfish mind; for myself. I can't handle a child with a severe heart problem and a borderline alcoholic sister living in the same house. It doesn't work out. It's already hard enough trying to hide her habit from Ava. I hardly even attempt to hide it anymore. My younger sister saw the way I yelled at Melanie, she knows exactly how much pain this is causin us.

Freddie notices the creases on my forehead as I lay next to him deep in thought. He turns to me with sad eyes, asking "Why are we avoiding this?"

I become quickly aware that he's not talking about my sister. In a weak attempt not to worry him any more than he already is I reply "I don't know." I shake my head. "Because I don't think I can handle it."

"We don't know anything yet. It could...it could be nothing." He says hopefully with unconvinced eyes. He knows it isn't. We're both silent for a second, trying so hard to take this all in. The news we'll get at the hospital tomorrow will determine our whole future. I don't want my child to be sick, I want him to grow up healthy. I don't want to deal with the tribulations this is going to bring our family. I can't afford to be this on edge about one twin when another will be growing up normally. I'm terrified to see how the appointment goes tomorrow. I'll discover how serious the heart condition is and know exactly what we have to do when the twins are born. I don't want to keep Owen in the hospital longer than Lucas, I don't want to watch my one son grow when the other only becomes weaker.

Freddie clears his throat. "I love you."

I take a deep breath. "I love you, too." Tightening my grip around him, I murmur "And I think you were right, I wanna get married. Just not...now."

"Not now." Freddie repeats with a nod. "Of course not. We'll do it once this all..."

"Yeah." I reply. Both of us are aware that this isn't going to be disappearing anytime soon. We can pretend like it is for a few more hours, before we know the certainty of it. The actual condition and the fact that one of our twins might not make it, might have to spend every week of his life in the hospital. There's a lot of possibilities and none of them even remotely comfort me.

"Do you know which one has the heart problem?"

"Um, Owen I think." I mutter, moving closer to Freddie and running a hand softly over his neck. "They switch positions all the time though, so I'm not completely sure."

"Oh," Freddie sighs, staring at my stomach. "I'm sorry, little guy." He mutters. "You'll be okay, I promise." He shakes his head, inching closer to my stomach and lifting my shirt up. "You're scaring us, Owen." He whispers.

I almost snarl at his conversation with the fetus but I stop myself to grasp his hand and bite my lip. "Yeah, baby." I say quietly, holding in a deep breath. "You're really scaring us. Maybe tomorrow we'll find out that it isn't nearly as bad as we imagined. But until then..." I trail off, running an uneasy hand through Freddie's hair and letting out a shaky sigh. "I'm scared."

I just down and begin to sit up as I hear a light knock on the door. Carly comes in before either of us give her permission.

"Hi." She says quietly, sitting on the edge of the bed. "How've you guys been holding up?"

I glance at Freddie who gives her a halfhearted shrug.

She nods softly. "Maybe we should do something together before the appointment."

"All of us?" I mumble, fitting my hand with Freddie's.

"Yeah," Carly says as she crosses her legs. "all of us."

"Good luck getting Melanie home for more than 45 minutes." I roll of my eyes.

Carly ignores this comment with a shake of her head, her eyes glancing down the hallway. "Maybe we should go to church."

"Church." I repeat. "Why?"

"Have you seen Ava?" She lowers her voice. "She's been pretty upset over everything that happened earlier."

"I know." I mutter. "So have I."

"I was talking to her about her mom. She told me how she was sort of religious, she used to pray a lot. I don't know, maybe it would be good for her. For all of us." Carly says quietly.

"Yeah," Freddie says, so close I feel his warm breath on the back of my neck. I turn around to lock my eyes with his for a second, snuggling more into his embrace. "I think that's a good idea. Sam?"

"Sure," I nod softly and lean on his chest. "It might make us feel better before the appointment."

She shrugs, glancing at us with narrowed eyes. "Just make sure you get up in time." She mutters, biting her lip softly and locking her eyes with mine. "Maybe it'll help things with Owen."

I shake my head. "Do you really believe that?"

"Uh..." Carly thinks for a second and shrugs. "No. But maybe now...we sort of have to believe it, huh?"

"Yeah, Carls." Freddie sighs as he wraps another arm around me. "We sort of have to."

* * *

><p>"You can't sleep either?" I'm startled by my sister's voice as I walk into the dark kitchen. She sits at the kitchen table with her arms crossed over her chest.<p>

"Nah," I mutter as I open the fridge, well aware that I'm not even hungry. "what time is it?"

"3:56." Melanie says quietly, glancing at Ava in the living room, asleep in her bed as the glow of the muted tv outlines her. "C'mere, sit down."

With a shrug I sit next to my sister, resting a hand on my stomach as she stares at me intently. "Are you nervous?"

I just give her a tiny nod and she returns it quickly, making sympathetic eyes at me. She bites her lips and pulls a bottle of pills out of her jean pocket. She rests the small, orange bottle in her palm and I raise an eyebrow. "What is that?"

"Xanax." Melanie begins twisting the cap off and pours a few into her hand. She apparently feels my worried eyes as she brings the pills to her mouth and swigs them down with water. "I was prescribed."

"Really," I mumble. "I didn't realize you have an anxiety disorder."

"Yeah, well...I don't." She says softly, staring at the ground. "I got these at the school nurse a few weeks before I came to Seattle. I was stressed about graduating and I figured a little lying could get me a long way."

"Wow," I say with a raise of my eyebrows, my voice laced in sarcasm. "I wasn't aware that the school nurse could determine your prescriptions."

She lets out a bitter laugh. "It was a strange school."

"So," I mutter, watching as my twin sister moves her gaze to me. "any reason you're taking them now?"

She shrugs and looks down, trying to avoid my stare. I clear my throat and move my hair out of my face. "Melanie," I murmur as her eyes meet mine. "are you okay?"

"Ye-" She begins and then shakes her head, glancing at the floor. "I don't know."

I sigh. "Is this about what happened with Gus?"

"Sort of. That and," She motions to Ava, sleeping sound in her bed. "everything."

"He's not here, you know. None of them are." I start, watching as my sister's face pains at the mention of my mother's previous boyfriends.

"I don't know." She repeats with a hand on her head. "Seeing Ava just makes me remember."

"Remember what, Mel?" I ask softly.

"Being a kid." She crinkles her nose. "Having my innocence ripped away from me at age six."

I feel a shiver go up my spine at her words, watching intently as she gets up to rummage through the fridge, pulling out a transparent bottle who's label isn't visible.

"Melanie," I whisper. I don't attempt to take the bottle out of her hands, I know she won't let me do it, not after admitting something like that. She pops the cap off and takes a small swig, sitting back down next to me with the bottle in her palm. "Maybe we should get you some help."

"I don't need help." She snarls. "I'll get over it."

"When?" I ask softly. "It's been twelve years since the first time."

She looks down with a quivering lip that she bites down on so hard it seems like she's in pain. "Yeah, well it's a little hard to get over when the same thing happens countless times after that."

I take a deep breath. There's no doubting her there. Melanie interjects before I can reply. "No one can help me, Sam. That's what you don't understand."

"I think I of all people understand." I say quietly. "I'm not over it either. I react a little bit differently, but honestly, do you think I would have nearly as many anger problems if none of that had happened?"

Melanie shakes her head hesitantly. "I don't know."

"You're a legal guardian now." I whisper, eyes glued to my younger sister, who looks so peaceful and innocent. "She needs you."

"I'm sorry." is all Mel manages before she tears her gaze to out the window and tips the bottle down her throat. She takes a long gulp and then finally pulls it away from her mouth, slamming it loudly on the table. "I shouldn't be doing any of this."

"Yeah," I mumble. "you're right."

"But..." Melanie shakes her head. "I really don't think I can stop."

I don't know what else to tell her as she moves to the bottle to her mouth and takes another long sip. As much as I want to scream at her, I know it won't change anything. She's not going to listen and it's only going to make me feel worse. I shake my head. "Try, Melanie." I mutter, biting my lip and looking down at my feet. "Just try."

"I'm sorry," She repeats, this time adding a small "about Owen." to the end of the statement.

"Me too." I whisper, placing a hand on my stomach. I'm not sure if it's the conversation I just had, the time of night or the realization that by tomorrow I'll be completely aware of everything going on in my son's heart, but my lip begins to quiver. I place a hand over my mouth and look out the corner of my eye as the first tear drops. "I hate this."

Melanie curls her lips and nods softly before turning her head away from me completely. "I...I think I'm gonna go to bed." She mumbles, slowly getting off the chair and opening the transparent bottle one more time. I look away as I hear her tongue click when the cold liquid touches her mouth. She slams it on the counter one last time. "Maybe it'll be better in the morning." She says quietly as she places the bottle back in the fridge. "I'll see you for 10 am church?"

"Uh, yeah, Mel." I whisper, watching as my sister walks slowly down the hallway with a shake of my head. "10 am church."

**Hope you enjoyed this chapter! Next one is Owen's heart ultrasound, be ready.**

**Oh, and also, I'm wondering what you guys want me to do with this story once the twins are born. I don't know if I should make a sequel or continue it all in Knocked Up. Let me know what you think in reviews, and if you do want a separate sequel, give me some suggestions of titles! Thanks for reading!**


	23. Chapter 23

With a sigh I move my hand over my younger sisters hair to flatten it down. "How was the service, Ave?"

She gives me a shaky smile and walks slowly in front of me as everyone leaves the church. "It...it was good."

Melanie stands behind me with flushed cheeks. She places a hand on my shoulder hesitantly. "You're going straight there?"

I give her a stern nod and redirect my attention back to Ava. I don't want to worry about the appointment even though it's in less than an hour. I don't want to think about it until I absolutely have to.

I sigh, watching some kids who look to be about Ava's age walking down a hallway that leads to Sunday morning youth group. "Maybe you could join that after church bible study, Ave." I mumble. "If you want."

She bites her lip as we finally come out of the church, shrugging "Maybe."

I feel Freddie's hand squeeze mine and I can't help but chuckle when I look over at his khakis and tucked in shirt. The laugh disappears once I notice his worried face and remember where we have to go from here. "We'll take the train, okay?"

I nod distantly. "Uh, sure, yeah. Let me just..." I crouch down next to my younger sister and give her a soft hug. "We'll see you later, okay Ava?"

"Later?" She asks, a hurt expression flushing her face. "I can't go with you?"

"Not today, Ave." I sigh. "I love you, alright? And we'll be back soon, I promise. We'll tell you what happens."

She nods softly with sad eyes. I hesitantly keep my hand on her shoulder as I return to a standing position and raise my eyebrows at Carly and Melanie.

"Good luck." Carly mutters, sighing as her eyes graze Freddie and I.

"Yeah, thanks."

"It'll be fine, Sam." Mel pats my shoulder and grips Ava's hand, giving us a small wave goodbye as they begin walking in the other direction. I'm hardly comforted by her words as I turn to Freddie with a smug expression.

"Okay." He nods softly, taking my hand in his.

"Okay." I repeat shakily as we begin walking towards the subway, giving his hand a squeeze.

* * *

><p>I don't say anything or even make eye contact with Freddie, I just keep my gaze on the ground as I hear him sigh next to me. We've been waiting for the results from the echocardiography to come in for what seems like hours. My heart continues to beat fast and my stomach feels extremely uneasy, my mind only repeating one thought.<p>

I just want my son to be okay.

I lock my eyes with his. "I want Owen to be okay." I struggle, shaking my head.

Freddie reaches a hand out to rub my shoulder softly, humming "I do too, baby." I tense at his embrace as the doctor finally enters the room.

His sympathetic sigh makes me shutter. "I have the results here."

I curl my lips and nod softly, not sure what to say other than "Okay."

Silence fills the room for what seems like centuries as the doctor quietly shuffles through the ultrasound pictures and other files. My heart beat seems to be the loudest sound in the room until he speaks up.

"It looks like Owen has Hypoplastic left heart syndrome." He pauses to glance at mine and Freddie's worried eyes. "A case where the aorta and left ventricle of the heart are underdeveloped, causing the aortic and mitral valves to be closed."

I shake my head slowly, knowing immediately that this is a serious condition. Freddie mutters "What does that mean for him?"

"The left side of his heart is not receiving oxygen and cannot circulate blood to other organs. This means that the right ventricle is forced to pump blood to both of the lungs and the rest of the body. This situation," He sighs. "cannot be sustained for long."

I stare at the doctor blankly, not sure if this is as serious as my mind is making it sound. I'm not completely sure what I'm thinking as my brain spits a hundred thoughts a minute. Does this mean he's going to die? Is it inevitable that he's going to die?

I apparently blurted this aloud without realizing, because the doctor responds. "Without life-prolonging interventions," He nods. "HLHS is fatal." My breath hitches in my throat as I quickly lock eyes with Freddie, hardly able to think a coherent thought. "But this doesn't mean it is impossible for Owen to survive. With the proper interventions he can survive past a few weeks."

I'm nauseated by how easy the doctor tells us this, some of the most life altering information I've heard in my eighteen years. "Past a few weeks." Freddie repeats. "W...what do we have to do?"

"He will most likely have to stay in the hospital for the first few months of his life. He will go a through a reconstructive surgery a few days after birth, then another one at three to six months of age. The biggest surgery takes place at a year old. If, of course, he makes it to then."

I run a hand through my hair and shake my head again. Goosebumps cover my arms as I bite my trembling lip in attempt to stop the tears from brimming my eyes. It doesn't work, I notice, as one drips down my cheek softly. I'm not exactly sure what to feel, if it's sadness or anger or shock or an overwhelming mix of them all. Freddie hesitantly moves his hand over mine and I sniffle softly, looking up to hear the doctor's closing words.

"Your pregnancy should last at least twenty six weeks, and we will have to perform an emergency C-section and put Owen in critical care from the day of birth." He pauses to stare at me with sympathetic eyes, seeing the tears streaming down my face. "With proper care, 70% of those with HLHS reach adulthood. We will be able to give Owen the care he needs. The risk of this being fatal is low for him."

"Um..." I mutter, letting my mind wander. "Oh...okay. I..."

"I'll leave you two with that." He finishes. "Try to get through this rough period as your OBGYN starts seeing you for weekly visits, making sure nothing in his heart has gotten increasingly worse."

"Right". Freddie nods, his eyes scanning mine nervously. "Uh, thank you." He mumbles as the doctor leaves the room with a sigh and I immediately fall into his embrace.

I don't cry anymore, I just shake my head and look at him with disbelieving eyes. "So..." I stare at the blank wall and shake my head.

"Yeah." He responds quietly, staring at the same wall with a blank expression.

"Let's...can we get out of here?" I murmur, pulling myself off the blue cot and ripping my eyes away from the forced white paint on the walls of the small hospital room. "I...sort of need to, uh, leave."

I don't know what else to say as my mind runs quickly and I repeatedly hit the elevator button, praying that I can just get the hell out of this damn hospital. "Sam..." Freddie whispers, hesitantly running a hand over my back as we walk into the elevator. "That was..."

"Can we not talk about it?" I ask softly, noticing how my voice cracks on the last syllable and I feel my eyes brim with tears again. "I really, really don't want to..." My words move as fast as my mind and I uneasily say "He could die, Freddie. You heard the damn doctor, he thinks the baby isn't going to make it!" I place a hand on my stomach bitterly.

"We don't know that, Sam!" He exclaims, looking just as lost and frightened as I feel. "70% of patients make it to adulthood, so maybe..." He trails off, shaking his head promptly. "I don't know."

We exit the elevator into the crowded lobby of the hospital which I'm dying to get out of. I walk fast through it and get back out on the city streets, grazing my eyes over the buildings ahead of me as I turn to Freddie. "What about the 30% that doesn't?" I ask softly, letting my lip tremble as I avoid eye contact with him and continue walking. "What about them?"

"We don't have time to think about them." He glances at the ground. "This isn't the worst thing that could happen. He just has to stay in the hospital for a few months after he's born, they'll take care of the rest with surgeries and-"

"We don't have health insurance." I reply with a blank look, watching as Freddie's shoulders sink in the corner of my eye.

"I know," He sighs. "but Owen's gonna be okay."

I can tell that he's still doubtful, trying to cope somehow. "It's just a heart condition. All he has to do is survive the first few surgeries and he's fine. And with a mother like you?" Freddie whispers, finally catching up to me and moving a stray hair off my face. "He'll be able to do it."

I walk down the subway stairs slowly as his words sting me. "I don't know if he will, baby." I shake my head as a colossal amount of thoughts swarm my head. I don't know how to act. I have no idea what I'm feeling. I know that this heart defect will change my life, everything about it. I'll be spending most of my time in the hospital after the twins are born. I have no clue how I'm supposed to care for Lucas when I will constantly have to be going to the hospital to visit Owen. Obviously going to school is no longer an option, not until the babies are at least a year old. There's no way we'll be able to pay for this. Rent is expensive enough as it is, and Melanie's savings are only going to last so long between the four of us. There's so many things that are making this completely impossible to deal with, so much that I can't help but feel overwhelmed and anxious.

I know that I have no choice, I'll have to handle this like I've handled everything else in my life, in the past six months especially.

I blink softly and notice that I somehow boarded the train while lost in thoughts, now sitting next to Freddie who is thinking just as much as I am. I place a hand on his thigh and bite my lip as his eyes lock with mine. I swallow and don't say anything as I lean against his chest with a shake of my head. "Ava's gonna be so upset."

"Yeah." He agrees softly. "She will be."

"This isn't terrible." I attempt to remind myself. "He'll be okay."

"Yeah." Freddie says again, tearing his eyes away from mine. "Hopefully he'll be...he'll be fine."

"We probably shouldn't focus on it too much." I start, knowing exactly what I'm doing by saying this. I'm trying to avoid the sincerity of Owen's heart condition until the very last minute. I'm trying to run away from it. But who can blame me? There's too many other things to worry about at home, too many people I need to attend to. It's not going to help to have me dwell over this all the damn time. I can't afford to do it.

"Sam..." Freddie mutters as we exit the train and begin walking out of the station, tightening a hand around mine. "You don't have to run away from this."

"Yeah," I respond softly, walking down the block. "I sort of do. I still have other people to worry about, Fredward. Melanie still hasn't enrolled Ava in school. I need to worry about her, and I've gotta do it soon. Owen and Lucas aren't the only kids I have. I've got two sisters to deal with."

He shakes his head as he swings the door of our apartment building open. "Carly and I will help with Ava, baby." He mutters. "You shouldn't stress yourself out about it."

"I probably shouldn't." I respond, not sure if I'm about to cry or throw something across the room in anger. "But..." I trail off, staring at my stomach and biting my lip. "It's unavoidable."

"Yeah," Freddie sighs as we get into the elevator, tearing his eyes away from me as he stands on the opposite side. "I know."

I sigh and stare at the blank walls of the elevator, biting a nail nervously as I try to avoid thinking about this so much, thinking about the truth. That without the proper surgeries this condition is fatal. What if they mess one little detail up? My son is dead.

I exit the elevator and bitterly pull a key out of my pocket and force it into the door, swinging it open. Neither of us say anything as we walk into the living room, noticing Ava's eyes light up and focus on us from her spot on the bed. "So?" She asks hesitantly.

"Uh, Ave..." I mutter, sighing softly as I look at her deflated expression. I crouch next to her and bite my lip.

"How bad is it?!"

All I have to say is "Um..." to hear her gasp softly and run her eyes over both of us.

Freddie speaks up with "Owen will, uh, have to stay in the hospital for the beginning of his life." He nods solemnly as he stares into my little sister's hurt eyes. "But after they perform the right surgeries he should be fine."

"Oh." She whispers, biting her lip and keeping her gaze on the floor. "So he'll be okay?"

"Yeah, Ave. He'll be okay." I mutter, hesitantly squeezing her hand.

She doesn't seem to be convinced as she runs a hand through her hair, looking up at us with a slow nod. "You're sure?"

"Uh..." I start, staring in the direction of Carly's room. I feel the back of my eyes brim with tears and I shake my head, moving a stray piece of hair out of my face as I look at my sister. "They don't know."

Ava's eyes widen as I hear footsteps come down the hall and she swings her arms around me, letting out a soft sigh on my shoulder. "I hope he's okay." She responds, pulling away and letting her worried eyes graze over mine. "I really, really hope so."

"So do I, Ava." I wipe my nose and look away from her, noticing Carly standing in front of us with her arms crossed over her chest.

"How'd it go?" She asks quietly.

I don't have to say anything in response to notice her widened eyes and platonic gasp.

"It was bad, wasn't it?"

I nod softly and her expression no longer seems forced as she looks at my sympathetically. "I'm sorry, Sam." Carly mumbles, staring at the ground. She knows better than to hug me right now, even though I can tell how much she wants to.

I just shake my head as Freddie begins telling her specifics and I walk into Melanie and Carly's room, noticing my sister's tiny figure forced up against the wall with her head in her hands. "Hi." I mutter, walking closer to her and stiffly sitting on the bed.

"I heard you talking to Carly and Ava." She replies, still covering her eyes with her arm as she leans her head by her elbow.

"Yeah." is all I say, not wanting to talk about this any more for the rest of the day. Maybe even the rest of my life. "What's up with you?"

"Nothing." My sister says, pulling her head up and staring blankly at the wall ahead of her. "Absolutely nothing."

"Jesus, Melanie..." I mumble, immediately nothing a dark purple wound imprinted into her cheek. "What the hell happened?"

"Nothing!" She exclaims, wincing as she places a hand over it. "I fell!"

"Fell?" I repeat, looking at her with narrow eyes. "Who the hell falls on their cheek and fails to hurt any other body part in the process?"

"I was walking up the stairs, I don't know!" Mel says defensively, still refusing to let me see the wound.

"You don't know." I mutter as I try to decipher this. "And what stairs were you even walking up? Why wouldn't you just take the-"

"Shut up, Sam." Melanie snickers, placing a hand on her hip as she pulls herself off the floor and faces her back to me. "I didn't ask you to come in here and try to give me some damn intervention for god knows what."

"Sorry." I reply sardonically, rolling my eyes. "I'm obviously really happy about my day too, Melanie. Excuse me for asking a damn question."

"Yeah," She shakes her head. "excuse you."

I roll my eyes again as I get off the bed and walk into my room, collapsing on the bed so I can cup my spinning head in my hands. This morning's church service feels like it was months ago, when it was only a few short hours ago. Mine and Mel's fight was only yesterday, yet it seems like it could've been five years back. My sense of time has been warped since yesterday morning when the nurse speculated something was wrong with Owen. I can't tell if I'm dying to have the twins already or if I want to keep them in my stomach forever. I want to protect them. I'm already afraid of what's going to happen after Owen's first surgery, if he'll even make it to then. And what about Lucas? I'll never be able to keep all my focus on him with his brother in the hospital for a chunk of his life. I want to skip forward a few months, when both of them are home and healthy. Is that too damn much to ask?

I feel Freddie's hands cup my back as he leans on me softly, moving my hand in his. I stare at the ceiling with bored eyes and I hear him sigh next to me. We don't have to say anything, we just listen to each other's breathing patterns as our minds run a mile a minute. Right now we've only got silence, because really, what else is there to say?

**Hope you guys liked this chapter! By the way, I want to thank those of you who always review after every update. Reviews inspire me to write the next chapter a lot faster and give me so many ideas for the story! So thank you, I definitely don't thank you guys enough.**

**Also, sorry if this update was a little late. I've been so busy with school/work since the year is dwindling down and my hours are multiplying. Hopefully the next update will come a lot sooner!**


	24. Chapter 24

"It was your turn." Carly snarls at Freddie, glancing at the note on the fridge determining who is supposed to do the grocery shopping for the week. "I did it last week."

"Okay, Carls." He rolls his eyes. "Your name is on today's date." I watch my boyfriend and best friend argue over this with an amused expression and my arms crossed over my chest. Both of them stand in the kitchen, in front of a huge pile of dirty dishes and a good amount of shit on the floor, but that's not what they're arguing about. I attempt to tune it out with the sound of Ava's violin but I keep my spot at the kitchen table anyway, looking at online schools on Melanie's computer.

"Yeah, but I went last week instead, remember? I told you I was going on Monday-" She stops talking abruptly at the sound of a knock at the door. "Who's that?" She murmurs, glancing at me and shaking her head.

"I don't know, haven't seen Melanie in a goddamn while." I roll my eyes, grazing them over the door. Carly shrugs and kicks an empty water bottle on the floor as I lift myself up to look through the peep hole. "Shit."

"What?" Carly asks, walking over to me.

I shout "Uh, be there in a minute!" and glare at Carly, whispering "Clean this up, it's Sophia!"

"Sophia?" She repeats, gasping when she finally realizes who I'm talking about. "From child services!"

Freddie hears this and moves his glance to me, worried eyes darting in my direction.

"_What_?" I groan at his blank expression. "Clean!"

He nods, throwing random bottles and paper plates on the floor in the cabinet below the sink. I shake my head at the mess on the kitchen floor as I throw some of Ava's clothes down the hallway in a desperate attempt to make this place look better. It isn't usually this repulsive, with dishes piled up so far the bottom of the sink is no longer visible, but we've been busy. We're always busy.

"Ava!" I frantically call to my younger sister.

Her head pops out from the door of Melanie's room and she raises her eyebrows. "Yeah?"

"Have you seen Mel today?" I stare at her beady eyes. "You have any clue where she is?"

She shakes her head. "Um...no."

"Okay." I take a deep breath. "Right. Uh, right. Well" Another knock sounds on the door and I yell "One second!" Giving Ave another look, I murmur "It's Sophia."

Freddie raises an eyebrow at me and I take Ava's hand, glancing at the door. I try to ignore the fact that her legal guardian is nowhere to be found, instead focusing on how Freddie managed to get mostly everything off the kitchen floor and clear the sink. This part of the apartment looks at least moderately okay, aside from Ava's unmade bed and pile of clothes on the floor next to it. I kick them under the bed as I walk to the door, twisting the knob and smiling at the well kept social worker standing in the hall.

"Hey, Sophia!" I give her a forced smile as I place a hand on my stomach. "Come on in."

Carly stands behind me, waving at Sophia as she holds my younger sister's hand. I eye her nervously as Freddie wraps an arm around my shoulder.

The blond finally runs her eyes over us. "Where's Melanie?" She glances around the apartment with narrow eyes.

Carly's voice is frantic. "The deli! Uh, she should be back any minute."

Sophia nods. "I told her about the appointment today. She should be here."

I bite my lip, drawing a scarp breath in. My goddamn sister knew about this? She knew about this and didn't put it on a calendar, didn't let one person in the family know. She decided to completely ignore the appointment with the social worker who determines who keeps our younger sister. I'm hardly surprised that she chose drinking over her family. Just like my fucking mother.

"She really will be here any second!" Ava's high pitched voice breaks me out of my thoughts and I glance at her desperate eyes. "I wanted a bagel so she said she would get me one! The deli is a few blocks away. The one I like, at least. They have these really good bagels. With poppy seeds."

"Right." The social worker clicks her tongue and moves her glance to me. "If Melanie doesn't return in a half hour I'm required to move the date of this meeting to a time where she is able to be present."

I know that needing to schedule extra meetings because the legal guardian failed to show won't look good on Ava's legal papers. We need our transcripts to be clean so we can keep raising her. "No, no. She'll be here." I force a a smile. "Should we uh, sit down?"

Sophia nods hesitantly as Freddie leads us to the kitchen table and she sits at the head. "How have you all been?"

"Uh..." I mutter, glancing at my younger sister. "Ave's been good. We found this school." I pause. "Tell her about the school, Ava."

Ava smiles softly in the social worker's direction. "It's a school for music! Only the best kids get in. Sam scheduled my audition for next week!"

"Good to hear." Sophia says, looking down. "I'd assume this school isn't free."

"Uh, no." I clear my throat and stare at the door, waiting for Melanie to come so I can stop stalling. "It's about a uh, 20,000 dollar tuition each um, year."

Freddie turns to me with widened eyes and I look away to avoid his gaze. "I'm sure Ava will get scholarships, though."

"You can apply for a grant from Child Protective Services, if you'd like." Sophia states, raising an eyebrow at me and handing me a form. "But without her legal guardian here I-"

Sophia is interrupted by the sound of the door creaking open. All five of us sit at the kitchen table with widened eyes, glaring at my sister making her way in the apartment. I nudge Freddie's shoulder. "Baby, tell Sophia about, uh, Owen...or something." I whisper, quickly lifting myself off my chair so I can shield Melanie as we run into her room.

"What the hell?" I say in a hushed tone, shaking my head as I fully examine my sister. She's still wearing the tight orange dress she probably left in last night. Her hair is in a tangled bun on the top of her head and makeup smears in under eye circles. I gasp at the purple mark completely surrounding one of her bloodshot eyes. "Where the _hell_ were you?"

"I can explain!" She says quietly as she tears her dress off and replaces it with a white T shirt and leggings. "I really can!"

It only takes me a second to notice more scratches around her black eye and I shake my head. "Who did that?"

She responds quickly. "I fell!"

"No you fucking did not." I groan. "What the hell is up with you lately?"

"N-nothing. I'm sorry." My sister mutters, biting her lip as she quickly moves a hand over her face, wincing at the touch. "I completely forgot about-"

"Yeah, sorry isn't gonna fucking cut it, Melanie." I snarl with a roll of my eyes. "We need Sophia to see the goddamn positive traits in this family for one godforsaken day a month and you can't even do that." I raise an eyebrow. "I'm not surprised, though. I mean, look at you."

"It's not like I'm an alcoholic, Sam!" She yells defensively.

I click my tongue. "Debatable."

"Look," Melanie clears her throat. "I don't just go out drinking every night. I have a job, you know. "

"A job!" I exclaim sardonically. "Wow! So impressive, so-"

She sighs. "I'm trying to make money for this damn family! Excuse me for-"

"Selling your body? Really, Melanie?"

"God, no!" She huffs. "I work at a damn bar!"

"A bar?" I glance at the mini dress on the floor. "That requires you to wear that?"

"We have a uniform. It uh, helps the sales."

"Mhm." I run a hand through my hair. "And who keeps beating your ass every time you're there?" I feel a sour taste come up after I say this, wondering if the words are too harsh. It only takes me a second to remember what she did and disregard that thought.

"I told you, I fell." Melanie snarls, straightening her shirt and glancing at her bruised reflection in the mirror before she walks out of the room.

I only shake my head and follow her to the kitchen, where Sophia, Ava, Carly and Freddie are sitting at the table, Freddie babbling on about something.

The social worker's eyes shift to my twin sister and Freddie's voice comes to a halt as Melanie squeaks a pathetic "Hi."

"Hello, Melanie. Nice to see you here."

"Yeah, uh..." She pushes a clump of flyaway hair over her bruised eye and clears her throat, motioning to the table. "Should I sit down?"

"I think I saw everything I needed to today." Sophia states, lifting herself up and walking to the door. "We will have a follow up visit any time in the next week. I'll make sure to bring one of my coworkers along."

I narrow my eyes at Melanie and sigh, leading Sophia to the door.

"So..." She grazes her eyes over everyone. "I'll see you then."

"Bye." I mutter blankly, keeping my gaze on my sister even after the social worker shuts the door.

I shake my head and bring my eyes to hers slowly, biting the inside of my cheek. "Nice going, Melanie." I snarl. "Real fucking nice."

Mel just looks down and walks into her room, letting the door slam as she gets inside. I shift my eyes to Freddie, giving him an annoyed expression and a defeated sigh.

"Freddie." I murmur harshly. "Mind going grocery shopping?"

He shakes his head. "No." He mumbles. "You need anything in particular?"

I click my tongues as I watch him inch to the door. "Nope."

"Okay." He murmurs uneasily, locking eyes with Carly and giving her a questionable look.

I place a hand on his back in attempt to push him out. "Bye."

The sound of the door slamming fills the room again and I can only stare at my younger sister and best friend sitting at opposite ends of the kitchen table, both of them glancing at the floor. Carly starts with "Ave, you wanna go practice, uh...vio-"

Carls doesn't have to finish her sentence before we watch Ava nod quickly and shut the door of Melanie's room.

There's a moment of silence between us, where I'm struggling not to let my lip quiver for whatever reason. Carly's seen me cry enough times, and I think right now I have more than enough excuses to start. But I don't want to see her sympathetic eyes or have her pat me on the back, not right now.

"You gonna sit down?" She asks.

I nod softly and slump in the chair next to her with a sigh. "Shitty day, huh?"

"Yeah." Carly draws in a sharp breath. "You okay?"

"Uh, yeah." I pause, still avoiding her gaze. "I'm trying not to worry about it." I laugh bitterly. "At least not yet."

"Good idea." She raises an eyebrow, nodding slowly. "You payed rent, right?"

I bite my lip. I vaguely remember paying rent but I'm not sure if it was yesterday or last month. "Probably."

Carly just responds with "Mhm."

We're both silent for a minute until I speak up with "This just sucks, man." I don't give her time to reply. "I shouldn't be worrying about Ava so much, she's not my kid! Melanie doesn't give two shits about anybody in this damn house. The twins are gonna be coming any day and I can't even handle what's going on now! I can't add two kids to this, especially one with a serious heart problem. And to top it all of, we're fucking broke, Carly!"

"That's a little exaggerated." She nudges my shoulder. "We're not broke."

I roll my eyes. "We're about to be!"

"Hardly." She moves her hand to rub my arm. "We're okay, Sam."

"Yeah." I snort. "You know, Mel says she's got a job at a stupid bar." I get up for a minute to rummage through the freezer, pulling out a carton of ice cream. I grab a spoon from the drawer and open it, tossing the top on the kitchen table and collapsing down again.

"A bar?" Carly raises an eyebrow. "Doing what?"

I shrug. "Some kind of shot girl? I don't know."

"Hmm..." She ponders as I shove a spoonful of ice cream in my mouth. "You know, if Sophia finds out-"

I don't let her finish. "I know."

I glance at the carton for a moment, pretending to study the ingredients. The silence hardly lasts a minute until I hear her mutter "You shouldn't worry so much."

"Yeah." My voice cracks and she raises an eyebrow. "I know. But it's hard with-"

Carly cuts me off. "I get it, Sam." With a sigh she mumbles "I feel like we never see each other." She laughs bitterly. "Which is weird since we live in the same 2 bedroom apartment."

"Yeah." I mutter. "It is weird."

"What about you and Freddie? Do you ever see him?"

I roll my eyes at Carly's pestering. It isn't surprising that she's bugging me about this. She always seems to notice things going downhill in my life before I even think about them. "I see him, Carls." She raises an eyebrow at me an I shove another spoonful of ice cream in my mouth, mumbling a sour "_Occasionally_."

Before she can give me another pointed look I cross my arms over my chest and say "We're just busy!"

"_Sam_." She says softly.

"_Carly_." I mock, rolling my eyes.

"Look, all I'm saying is maybe we should do something so we can actually spend time together. Like a family dinner every night or something?" Carly attempts to reason.

"Yeah, that'd be a great idea if Melanie was _home_ every once in awhile."

"Sam!" She exclaims again, letting her eyes lock with mine. "I mean look at Ava. We probably need something that'll bring us together! Some sort of unity, am I right?"

I raise an eyebrow. "You're right, Carls." With a sigh I clink my spoon in the kitchen sink and make eye contact with her. "I just gotta work some things out first."

* * *

><p>I lay on the bed, glancing around mine and Freddie's room. The cribs take up a good quarter of the room and I raise my eyebrows at them and the various other baby supplies surrounding them. It's still unreal how fast this is happening, how I know it's only a matter of weeks until Owen and Lucas are born. I sigh at the thought as I lift myself up out of bed, glancing in the mirror. As usual, I notice my stomach first and place a hand over it, trying to avoid the pain I feel when thinking about Owen. I attempt to swallow it down as I walk down the hallway, stopping in front of Mel and Carly's door. I bite my lip and let my knuckles rasp the door softly.<p>

"Can I come in?"

I don't wait for Melanie's answer, I just walk in the room and notice her long blond ponytail dangling on the floor as she lays on Carly's bed with her feet on the wall. She looks up at me and immediately rolls her eyes. "I didn't say you could come in."

I raise an eyebrow. "What's up?"

"Nothing." She snarls, walking her feet up the wall with a sigh.

"Listen, " I start, watching as my sister crosses her arms over her chest defensively. "you fucked things up today."

She doesn't respond, she just moves her glance away from me and tightens her arms around her chest, moving one hand to the purple mark on her eye in attempt to cover it up.

I interrupt the silence when I snarl "You gotta get your shit together, Melanie. No one's going to wait for you. Things are moving here, every single day! As you've gotta keep up with them, you should get a _real_ job. Maybe spend a little more time caring about Ava, go to school like you said!

"I don't have the easiest damn life, Sam. Plus, I make a hell of a lot more than minimum wage now." Mel snarls.

I sigh, knowing that her intentions are good. She's trying to make money for the family somehow. Maybe it isn't convenient right now, but she's _trying_.

Melanie is quiet for a minute and I hear the sound of the front door opening. I'm almost too engrossed in Freddie's voice on the other side of the wall to hear her muffled whisper. "I'm sorry."

"Yeah, well." is all I mutter, thinking about all the toys and necessities piled next to the cribs in my room. I'm still amazed that this is happening so fast, that the twins could be on their way at any moment. I shake my head. "You can't act like this when the twins come."

"I know!" She exclaims, removing her hand from her face so I can see the visible purple mark surrounding her eye. I don't bring it up and neither does she as she keeps her eyes focused on the ground. "You think I don't know that?"

"Sometimes you don't act like it, Melanie!" I say with a subtle eye roll. "I know you're sort of trying, I just..." I trail off. "I don't know."

Melanie places a hand on her head and kicks her feet off of the wall, readjusting her position so she's upright and glancing at me. She sighs and mumbles "Maybe I should tell you-"

Her words silence in my head as I let out a sharp breath of air. My head feels lightheaded and I just barely hear a trickle on the ground, glancing down with wide eyes. "Yeah, uh...hold on Mel."

"_What_?" She demands with crossed arms.

"I, uh...I think my water just broke."

**Tell me what you thought of this chapter! It's about damn time Sam went into labor. Review and let me know what you thought! Next chapter should be up soon!**


	25. Chapter 25

_Breathe_. I remind myself to breathe as I glance at my younger sister, sitting on the edge of the hospital chair with a panicked look covering her face. Melanie sits next to her, her fingers nervously playing with something inside her purse, her lips pursed in the same way Ava's are. She lets out a long, shaky breath as she maintains eye contact with me. "How do you feel?"

I don't reply to Melanie, I just look at Carly and Freddie with raised eyebrows, taking a deep breath. Everybody is silent for a minute. I'm almost calm until I hear the doctor clear his throat, locking his eyes with mine. "Are you ready for your cesarean section?"

I nod softly, glancing at my stomach one last time before a few nurses set up a blue curtain in front of me. I uneasily look at Freddie, squeezing his hand tight as I try to stay awake. The shot in my spinal cord the doctors gave me didn't only numb an entire half of my body, it made me completely exhausted.

The mood in here is nothing like a normal delivery room. My two sisters are nervously twisting their fingers and my boyfriend has one hand covering his forehead, only his eyes peaking out to gaze at me worriedly. Carly's upper lip is clamping down on her bottom one and I can tell she's searching for the right words to say. Right now, not even _she_ can find them.

I'm focused on keeping my breathing steady, trying to fill my head with positive thoughts. Not only positive- but thoughts that aren't about Owen. I don't want to think about what's going to happen after the C-section. I'd much rather think about the fact that I haven't had a real conversation with Freddie in weeks, how I'm not sure what our relationship has become. Or my sister's alcoholism, the mere fact that she has been nervously drinking out of a flask every time the doctor exits the room. Maybe I'll even think about my mother, knowing that sooner or later she's going to want to come to New York and meet these damn children. But no. I'm not going to let myself think about the kids. I don't want to think about how long we're going to have to leave Owen in the hospital or how I'm going to handle taking care of Lucas while trying to visit him every day. Those thoughts are only going to make me more nervous- which is something I don't know if I can handle. These painkillers are making me over think. Or maybe I'm just actually over thinking everything. I'm not completely sure.

I take another deep breath, trying not to look at the doctors who are currently cutting my stomach open. I glare at Ava instead, noticing how she tries to sneak a glance at my stomach, cringing immediately after moving her head. She whispers something to Melanie, and I watch as Mel nods in response, raising an eyebrow at Freddie. "Uh, we're gonna go out...to the waiting room. You don't mind...do you?"

I don't feel like responding, Fredward does it for me with a supple nod. "We'll uh, we'll tell you when," He mutters, taking a deep breath and squeezing my hand. "you know."

Carly adjusts her position next to him with a sigh. Her eyes meet mine as I lay back, attempting to keep my breathing intact.

A doctor peers at me from behind the blue curtain with a solemn expression. "Feeling alright, Sam?" I just nod slowly as he mutters "Okay, we're just about ready to take Owen out." I purse my lips and look down as he finishes with "We'll have to immediately take him to an incubator where we will try to test his heart as soon as possible."

I shake my head, willing myself not to cry as I look at Freddie, whose head immediately collapses in his hands. I bite my lip and look at Carly, her eyes sympathetic and wide. She immediately directs her gaze to the doctors, watching intently as they pull Owen out. "Wow..." She mumbles, moving a quick hand over her mouth. "Sam...he's so small."

And he is small. My eyes follow my little baby boy as a nurse cradles his crimson body, walking fast with him in her arms. He has a little bit of dark brown hair on his head. And he's so small. He doesn't look like any baby I've seen before, he's tiny. Way too tiny.

"Wow." Carly mumbles, meeting her eyes with mine and tearing them away quickly to look at Owen. A nurse weighs him and widens her eyes, whispering something to the doctor quickly. I'm only able to hear my son's echoing screams for a minute, as a few doctors place him in an incubator and roll him to another wing in the hospital.

Ava is the first to speak up. "Where are they taking him? Is he okay?"

One of the female doctors glances at a male doctor uneasily before transferring her glare to Freddie. "He's going to the intensive care unit, they'll be running some tests on his heart."

I take a deep breath and try to stop my eyes from glazing over with tears. It doesn't take long for me to notice the way Freddie grasps the edge of his chair, his lip red from how hard he was biting it. "Sam..." I hear him whisper, pursing my own lips as his eyes become glassy.

"Time of birth is 9:56 pm." A doctor mutters as she looks at my stomach, nodding softly. "Go ahead with the next one."

"How much does he weigh?" I whisper.

"He's around 4 pounds and 2 ouches." The doctor sees my horrified expression and smiles warmly. "Don't worry, honey." She pauses with an unsure sigh. "He's going to be okay."

I again remind myself to breathe, feeling lightheaded and dizzy. I notice as Melanie and Ava walk slowly back in the room. Mel's face falls as soon as she sees me, and my younger sister's eyes widen. "That _was_ him!" She exclaims, shaking her head as she forcefully let's an arm smack on the bedside table. "He was so little." Ava whispers, looking up at Melanie. "Wasn't he little, Mel?"

"You guys saw Owen?" I mumble, attempting to make eye contact with my twin sister.

"Shh, Sam." is all she replies with, sitting back in her chair next to my bed with Ava by her side.

"How'd he look?" I wonder anyway, knowing the answer isn't going to be any different than what I was expecting.

Melanie tears her gaze away from me and looks out the window instead, staring at the dark New York City skyline. I watch her intently, enough to notice the way she bites her lip and grips Ava's hand. Enough to know that Owen did _not_ look good.

The sound of more screaming fills the room and makes me move my eyes to the doctors standing around my stomach. One of them is holding a little boy. Still red and crying, but not nearly as small as Owen. He already has a full head of dark brown hair that makes me lock eyes with Freddie. The doctor's voice is softer this time. "10:00 pm."

Freddie squeezes my hand at these words. I clamp my teeth over my lip and watch as a nurse takes Lucas in her arms and walks to the corner of the room to weigh him and wash him off. The doctor looks at me with raised eyebrows. "We're just gonna stitch you up now, Sam. You'll be able to hold him in a few minutes."

"Okay." I whisper, trying to sneak another glance at my son, even if it forces me to catch a glimpse of my bloody, cut open stomach. A shiver erupts over my body and I decide to look at Freddie instead, noticing his glassy eyes as he shakes his head at me.

"He's got hair." He says quietly. "So does Owen. Not as much, but um-"

"I know." I interrupt, letting out a shaky breath. "_Hair_." I repeat, feeling a tear drip down my face. "That's so..." I don't have the ability to finish my sentence before my face crumbles and Freddie attempts to move an arm around me, almost interfering with the doctors stitching my stomach. Another teardrop lands on my blue hospital gown and I sigh, burying my face into his chest. "I love you." My voice is muffled in his shirt. "You know that."

"I love you too, Sam." He says softly. "They'll be okay. We'll be-"

He's cut off by a nurse who asks "Would you like to hold him, Freddie?"

His eyes immediately lock with mine and I nod eagerly, staring at the little boy Freddie slowly collects in his arms. He doesn't say anything for a minute and I bite my lip, watching as he takes one long look at Lucas and hands him to Carly, putting his head in his hands with a long sigh.

Carly's crying now too, something I'm not at all surprised about. She snuggles Lucas in her arms and shakes her head. Melanie and Ava got up at some point to walk over and stare at him, and Ava's got a small smile on her face, while Mel is trying to hold one back.

"Here." Carly whispers to Freddie as he fully moves his head back up. "He's your son."

Freddie's face is bright red and wet with tears he just cried as he replies "Yeah." He moves a hand over his mouth as he carefully moves Lucas back in his arms. "Wow. He really _is_." I shake my head as he nearly loses it again, gaining just enough composure to keep cradling our son, leaning down every few seconds to kiss him on the forehead with muffled whispers.

"He just looks like you!" Ava nods at Freddie with a soft smile, moving her own delicate hand over Lucas's tiny forehead. "I love him."

I glance at Melanie, who stands next to Ave as they stand around Lucas with overwhelmed expressions. Her face is wet with tears as she holds our younger sister's shoulders. Her gaze meets mine mine I raise an eyebrow. "He's perfect, Sam." She whispers. "I mean it."

The doctor's voice moves my glance to the end of the bed. "You're all stitched up, Samantha."

I just mumble the question that has been running through my head this entire time. "How's Owen?" I demand. "Do you know?"

She bites her lip and her eyes immediately become sympathetic. "He's in critical care, they're running tests on his heart. It'll only be a few days until you get to see him, sweetheart."

I let out a large breath of air at this statement. I knew that, the doctor told me it would happen. But now, in this moment, with my one son laying in Freddie's arms and the other in pain at the opposite side of the hospital? It seems all too real. I just gnaw on my cheek until I feel the taste of blood and lock eyes with Freddie.

He sighs. "Here, baby..." He whispers and I notice another tear make it's way down his face. "Meet your beautiful momma."

"Hi, Lukey." I whisper as Fredward hands him to my arms, noticing everyone's eyes move towards me. Lucas has a full head of dark hair already, and Ava's right, he sort of does look like Freddie. They have the same eyes, from what I can tell Lucas's will be brown. His eyes are small right now and he hardly can open them, but he's still so beautiful.

A doctor calls out "6 pounds 4 ounces."

I feel myself tear up as I cradle my son, making eye contact with Freddie every few seconds. I'm so unbelievably happy to be meeting Lucas, a healthy, 6 pound baby boy. And I want to be the best mom I can be to him, I wholeheartedly do. But my mind wanders to Owen again, and I can't stop it this time. It kills me to think about him, how long it will take him to get better, if he'll ever fully recover. Melanie shakes her head, letting a tear roll down her face again, like she knows exactly what I'm thinking. She runs a finger over Lucas's tiny hand, grasping it softly.

"He's beautiful, Sam." She repeats. "_So_ remarkably beautiful."

"Can I...I hold him?" Ava mumbles before Mel can even take another breath. She eyes Carly, who lifts herself off the chair and offers it to my younger sister.

"Yeah, Ave." I reply, carefully handing Lucas over from the bed. "You're an aunt." I attempt to give her a soft smile.

Ava holds back a grin, smoothing her own brown hair as she cradles her nephew in her arms, staring at his tiny face.

Carly glances at Freddie and mutters "You wanna get a soda with me real quick?" She runs her eyes over my two sisters and I and gives him an encouraging nod. I know that she's trying to give the three of us time together with Lucas and I smile at her with gratitude, watching as Freddie and her walk out of the room.

"You're gonna be a really good auntie, Ava." Mel mumbles, sitting in Freddie's chair and running her hand over our younger sister's hair.

"You think so?" She asks with a small laugh and shake of her head. "I've never had anyone younger to take care of."

"Hey," I mutter. "neither have I. Not until you came along."

Ava shrugs and I raise an eyebrow, whispering "I love you, Ave." I watch as she moves her eyes up to lock with mine. "And I'm sorry about all the..._stuff_ we go through at home. It sort of sucks, I uh, I know. But we're trying to get things together the best we can. And you have your audition next week for that amazing school. There's only a month until school starts, and to think that you could be starting there..." I trail off with a sigh. "I guess what I'm saying is that it isn't going to be bad like this for long. Now we've got a few reasons to keep everybody happy, huh? I can think of two pretty good ones."

"And Ave," Melanie pauses, glancing at me before she continues to talk. "I know that your mom would be so proud of you right now, with your violin and everything." Ava looks back down at Lucas, moving a finger to smooth his brown hair. "I mean...she _is_ proud of you. She always is." Mel stops talking abruptly, moving a hand over her mouth to stop herself from crying.

When Ava looks back up, her eyes are glassy. Before I know it mine are as well.

"You know," Melanie whispers, quiet enough that not even Ava can hear. "I don't really mean to make your life complete shit."

"Yeah," I give her a smile as I take Lucas back into my arms, cradling his tiny, warm body, smiling down at the small blue towel the doctors dressed him in. "I know."

I stare at his face again, shaking my head. He is so beautiful. It's almost astonishing to me, how much I love this little person I met less than 45 minutes ago. It feels weird. Different than anything I've ever felt before.

Talking to my sisters seemed to get my mind off of Owen for a minute, but of course he's still there. It's driving me insane not being able to hold him the same way I'm holding Lucas. Not only _that_. I want to know his condition, how his heart looks. I don't want it to be worse than the predicted, because I don't know what that means. Maybe he'll have one surgery and he'll be okay. Maybe he'll need a few and he'll be okay, I just want him to be _okay_.

My mind is a jumbled mess of thoughts I'm not sure I can control and I take a deep breath, eyeing Melanie and Ava. Mel taps her foot and Ava smooths her hair, both of them trying to avoid my long glance. I know that right now, we're all thinking about Owen. Carly and Freddie, standing in the waiting room until they each get time to spend with me, they are thinking of him too. He's not going to leave any of our minds for awhile, not until he's completely healthy. It's easy to worry about a newborn child like this, seeing as he was born with this condition and will probably continue to deal with it for a long time.

Finally, Ave looks up with a deflated sigh. "Is he gonna be okay?" She asks softly, referring to Owen.

"I don't know, Ave." I whisper, glancing back down at Lucas and giving him a soft kiss on the forehead. "I wish I could tell you...but..."

"Yeah." Melanie interjects, keeping her gaze on me as she talks to our younger sister. "He's gonna be okay."

"Okay." Ava replies, not seeming satisfied yet as she bites her lip. "Do you want me to pray for him?"

Melanie and I exchange another glance. "Yeah." I whisper. "I do," I clear my throat. "I want you to pray for him."

The door opens again and I notice Freddie, running a hand through his hair and nodding at me. My sisters get up, Mel raising a quick eyebrow at me as they walk out of the room, leaving Fredward and I alone. I let the silence pass between the two of us before I sniffle, holding Lucas out for him to take. "He's been asleep this whole time." I mutter. "Are they usually this calm?" Freddie just shrugs and rests a hand on my shoulder, scooping the baby up with the other.

"Did you hear anything yet?"I whisper.

He nods softly. "Yeah. They uh, they started running tests on his heart. He officially has Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome, just like the doctor initially said." Freddie says quietly, curling his lips before saying anything else. I can tell that he can't say anything else without bursting into tears, keeping his lips tight and the air in the room quiet.

"Did...did they say anything else?" I ask shakily, glancing at Lucas instead of Fredward.

He shakes his head, his worried eyes meeting mine as he shakes his head. "Nothing else, Sam." One hand holds the baby and another grips his forehead as I watch another tear roll down his cheek. "_Nothing else_."

**Hope you liked the chapter, even though it was a little sad. Please remember to review, reviews really do help me and motivate me to write.**

**Again, sorry about taking so long to update this week. I've been super busy with school work and cramming for all the tests my teachers are throwing in right before finals. I'm done with school in less than a month, so hopefully I'll be back on my schedule of updating almost every three days in no time! Yeah, so thanks for reading and please review!**


	26. Chapter 26

"Hi." Freddie stumbles into the room, glancing at my stomach. "How you feelin?"

"Shitty." I snarl, trembling as I cross my hands over my sore stomach.

"I got you this...uh, yogurt."

He tosses it on the bed and I glare at him, sarcastically raising an eyebrow and mumbling "_Thanks_."

I sigh as I stare at Lucas in my arms and Freddie collapses on the chair closest to the bed. "He's been sleeping for awhile." I mutter.

"Yeah?" Freddie replies, running his thumb down the baby's face. "Oh."

"Mhm." I glance back at Fredward. "Did everyone else leave?"

"Yeah uh, Mel and Carly said they'd help clean the apartment. Ava's," He motions to the door. "in the waiting room."

I nod softly, not actually caring about any of that information. "Did they say when we could see Owen?" I take one look at Freddie's deflated expression and I already know the answer. "Never mind."

He sighs and runs a hand over his hair, nodding at Lucas. "You mind if I-"

"Nope." He takes our son out of my arms and cradles him, whispering in his ear as he shakes his head.

I bite my lip as I stare at my beautiful, heathy baby boy. I've only known him for two days and I already developed a blond with him, noticing what a perfect baby he is. He's quiet, not too fussy all the time. He's sweet from what I can tell. Ava already loves him with everything in her. I'm not sure she's left the hospital at all since my water broke three days ago. She's fallen asleep in the chair next to him every single night.

"Samantha?" A nurse I recognize from my C section and a few other run ins enters the room, a welcoming soft smile on her face. "How do you feel? Still a little sore?"

"I can't walk." I say bluntly and she raises an eyebrow. "How's-"

She cuts me off. "Owen is okay. His levels have been steady, nothing too concerning. He'll be entering his first reconstructive surgery tomorrow."

My breath hitches in my throat. "Tomorrow." I repeat, glancing at Freddie, who wears the same horrified expression as I do.

"We can release you and Lucas later today." She sighs, knowing neither of us are satisfied with this information. "Would you like to see Owen?" I immediately sit up straighter with an eager nod as the nurse mutters "Do you need a wheelchair, Samanth-"

I cut her off. "I'm fine." I grumble, even though I can hardly get up without groaning. I glance at Freddie as we hesitantly follow the nurse down the hallway and he hands Lucas to Ava. Her eyes light up.

"Where are you guys going?" She exclaims. "Can I come?"

"Ave," I do my best to crouch down next to her and whisper. "you mind just staying with Lukey right now? We're gonna be...uh..." I trail off.

"Oh," She mumbles, sitting down slowly and waiting for me to hand her Lucas. "Are you sure I couldn't come?"

I sigh and shake my head, placing Lucas in her arms. "Follow me."

Ava nods, taking him and cradling his tiny body. "Hi Lukey." She whispers, kissing him on the forehead. I let her walk in front of Freddie and I as the nurse leads us. Freddie raises an eyebrow at me as we walk down the hallway and all board the elevator. He offers his hand to me and I shake my head, digging my nails into my palm.

"He's on the fourth floor, in the cardiovascular youth section." The nurse announces as we walk into the elevator. "He's in critical condition, you two will not be able to interact with him too much." She says carefully. "You'll be able to observe him but that's about it for now."

I let out a shaky sigh as I glance at Ava and Lucas, trying desperately to contain myself, looking down at my nails. I try as hard as I can to keep my breathing steady as the nurse gives us both a long glare, walking in front of Freddie, Ava and I and leading us into the open hallway. She walks to the left and my breath hitches in my throat. I don't think I can handle seeing him, not like this. I somehow will myself to keep walking, looking at my feet in attempt to continue. I try to focus on anything else, even the immense amount of pain I feel in my stomach. I move a hand over it shakily, wincing as I place it over my stomach.

"Here he is." The nurse whispers, leading us into a small room with an incubator in the center. It almost kills me to look inside, but I do so anyway. Because I have to.

I grip Freddie's arm. "Baby." I say quietly, so quiet that I'm not sure I can even hear it.

"Wow." Ava lets out a harsh whisper as we walk over to the incubator. I don't think I'm able to form a coherent thought as I get a look at my son for the first time. He's tiny. Tinier than he looked when I glanced at him a few days ago. His body is a purple tint and his eyes are shut closed, his mouth in a painful looking pout. It doesn't take long to notice the IV's poking out of his arm. I widen my eyes at Fredward, clamping a hand over my mouth as I attempt to keep my tears in my eyes. "Look at him." I mutter shakily. "_God_."

The nurse sighs and walks out slowly, leaving us alone with Owen. I want to cradle him and hug him and be able to hold him in my arms, but I can't. If that thought alone doesn't kill me, Ava's small, high pitched screech does.

Freddie moves over to her quickly, scooping Lucas out of her arms. He doesn't lecture her on almost dropping our son, he's in too much of a daze right now. I glance at my younger sister and notice her hand identical to mine, clamped over her mouth as she locks our eyes. "Sam," She says quietly. "he's so little."

"I know." I nod, biting my lip and exchanging glances with Fredidie. On queue, Lucas shuffles around and lets out a loud scream. It doesn't affect Freddie or I. He just looks down at our son and rocks him slowly, still letting his screams echo in the hospital room. Neither of us really care about Lucas's discomfort right now while looking at Owen, completely asleep and limp. I bite my lip again, trying not to cry in front of Ava. I don't like her to see me like this, especially now that the kids are here. I can't crumble like I did with Melanie in the apartment that day we found out about Owen's heart condition. Now things aren't like that. I need to be stronger for her.

Still, I dig my nails into my palm, drawing hard circles on my hand as I try to think positively. Maybe tomorrow's surgery will be the only one he needs, and then we'll be able to take him home. I sigh. That isn't positivity. It's just being unrealistic. Owen isn't coming home tomorrow. He probably isn't coming home next month. And this surgery might help a little bit, but not enough. With time his heart will get worse and he will have to enter a more serious procedure, meaning a longer recovery. I'll be lucky if he sees the apartment by the new year.

"I feel sort of sick." Ava mutters, catching her eyes with mine.

"I'll meet you in the hallway in a minute." I reply softly, giving her a small nod as she slowly walks away. This leaves Freddie and I with our two sons. Offbeat beeping fills in otherwise silent room as I gaze down at Owen, squeezing my eyes shut.

I'm not surprised when tears fall out. Freddie notices almost instantly, hesitantly moving an arm around me while attempting to keep Lucas safe in his arms. My eyes widen as he rubs his hand down my arm with his gaze still fixed on Lucas, an equally upset look in his eyes. His voice comes out soft. "We're going home today, O." Freddie whispers, locking eyes with me. "We can't bring you with us yet, but I promise, we'll be here tomorrow, and the next day. We'll come to see you every day."

My breath hitches and I stare at Owen's eyes, gasping when they slowly move open. I almost smile as I look at Freddie, mumbling "That's right baby, you'll be okay."

I clear my throat in attempt to distract Freddie from the tears welling in my eyes. "We...we should go." I scoop Lucas from his arms and kiss his head, slowly turning towards the door. I can't completely process the fact that we're bringing him home today with no clue what to do. What happens now? We just wait? Until tomorrow, until after Owen's first surgery? Then what? I shake my head. I'm not sure. There's only so many days that go by where I can completely dismiss the negative thoughts from my head- with even more negative thoughts. Thoughts about my mother or Mel, or Ava's school audition in a few days, even when Sophia is coming back to observe us again. Those thoughts keep me busy enough to stop thinking about Owen for a little. Maybe in this case, the negative is overpowering more...negative. And something about that makes me feel uneasy.

Freddie meets his eyes with mine. "You ready?"

With a sigh and a tug on my lip, I mutter. "Yeah."

* * *

><p>I kick the front door open, somewhat overwhelmed with everything in my hands and the pain on my stomach. I smile at Carly, her feet kicked up on Ava's bed as she stares mindlessly at the tv.<p>

"Sam!" Her face lights up as she rushes over, taking Lucas out of my arms and softly smiling at him. She only stays this happy for a second, cradling Lucas as he starts to fuss. "Did you guys hear anything?"

"Yeah," I raise an eyebrow to throw everything in my hands onto the table and walk into the kitchen where I rummage through the fridge. "we uh, saw Owen."

"Oh." Carly says quietly, and I can tell, even though I can't see them, that she is exchanging glances with Freddie right now, trying to get information out of his long stare. I vaguely hear Ava whisper something and I turn around with no food and a sigh, letting my eyes run down Carly as I take Lucas from her embrace.

"I'm gonna go to my room." I mutter, walking a few steps down the hallway and swinging the door of Melanie's room open instead. She sits on the bed with her phone clenched in her hand, her eyebrows raising as soon as she sees me.

"Lukey!" She exclaims, watching intently as I place him on the bed. "Look how cute you are, look how little you are on your first day home!" Mel rambles quietly, poking him on the stomach and holding his tiny hand in hers. She turns to me with a sigh. "I'd assume you're annoyed with everyone asking how things with Owen went." She mutters. "So I won't ask."

I sigh. Sometimes it's like Mel reads my mind. I lay down farther and hold Lucas's hand, trying to let my eyes rest without falling asleep. Lucas makes this easy as he screeches next to me.

"You're exhausted, huh?" Melanie asks softly, placing Luke in her hands and slowly bouncing him up and down.

"Yeah, well." I shrug, glancing at the deep bruise healing on her face. "I don't really know what to do now."

"Neither do I." She sighs. I sit still on the bed, tracing my finger on the pattern as Melanie continues to hold Lucas. She raises an eyebrow at me as she mumbles "We've gone through a lot of shit the past couple months. Maybe it's finally looking up. I mean," she nods at Luke. "look at him."

"Yeah." I hold back a smile. "It's just-"

Mel cuts me off. "You have to go back to the hospital tomorrow?"

I give her a stern nod and pathetically squeak "His first reconstructive surgery."

She nods softly, and I hear her own breathing become erratic as she shakes her head, glaring at the wall. "You...you don't mind if I come...right?"

"No." I raise an eyebrow. "You can come."

Melanie with another nod, leaning her head off the bed and biting her lip harshly. "What do I know?" She whispers. "I don't know if he's gonna be okay. I don't know anything. I mean, I hope he's okay. I just-"

"I understand." I mutter for the sole reason of shutting Melanie up. I don't know if she's been drinking and on a day like today I wouldn't doubt it. I just don't want to hear her endless rambles. I don't want to see the tears she's about to cry when she starts relating this back to her own life, going on and on about our childhood and money and something about her job.

So like any good sister would, I mumble "You mind watching him for a sec? I'm gonna-" I motion to my room and she nods hesitantly. I don't feel too bad about leaving her right now, and I ignore the nagging feeling in my head, telling me that I run away from everything. Even if it is debatably true.

I wince as I try to lift myself out of bed, a rush of pain coming over the stitches on my stomach. I somehow am able to get out of Mel's room and walk down the hallway into mine and Freddie's room, leaning my back against the wall and squeezing my eyes shut. When I open them and a few stray tears hang on my cheek, I notice Fredward, sitting in the corner of the room with his head in his hands. "Hey." I raise an eyebrow as I hesitantly move on the bed, shakily moving a hand to wipe the tears off my face.

"Hi." He replies in a tone identical to mine, uneasily locking our eyes.

"Melanie has Lucas." I mutter softly, crossing my arms over my chest and ignoring the sting of pain I feel while doing so.

"Carly and Ava are making dinner." Freddie responds, biting his lip softly as he slowly begins making his way towards me.

"Oh."

"Are you okay?" He asks, hesitantly moving a hand around my neck to bring me closer to him. I feel his warm breath on my face.

"Not really." I attempt to mutter without my voice cracking on the last syllable. I'm not surprised at the failed attempt as I try to keep my breathing steady and move a hand on his waist.

"Yeah." Freddie nods softly, locking another arm around my neck and using his index finger to push my head close to his, so close that our lips are touching. "Because," He pulls away from the kiss quickly to finish his sentence. "I don't think I am either."

I don't know what to say, but I think I know what to do. I ignore the pain throbbing in my lower stomach as Freddie moves me to the bed as gently as he can, hanging half on me with our lips still attached. I wonder how long it will be before I see his clothes on the bedroom floor. Our fingers are running through each others hair, our lips quickly groping any piece of flesh we can find. We've come too far to stop, and I know what I'm doing. Maybe I am attempting to run away from everything negative in my life. I try not to let the guilt wash over me and retain my focus on Freddie's lips in front of me, leaning in to kiss him with force. I let myself whisper "I love you." through this kiss, too quiet for even me to hear it.

I feel him nod softly, pulling away to stare at my eyes for a minute. Our faces are close enough for me to notice how his lip quivers and he takes a sharp breath, hands eagerly attacking my back as he pulls me into a tight hug. "I-I love you too." He stammers, and it suddenly dawns on me that right now there's really nothing else we can say.

**Thank you guys so much for all the reviews on the last chapter! Like I said, I really do appreciate it and especially am happy with how understanding you are when I'm not able to post updates as quickly. I've been extremely busy at school but that is ending soon enough and I'll make sure to update a lot more regularly in the summer! Thanks so much for reading, and please remember to leave a review.**

**Ps. Very sorry about the possible bunch of spelling/grammar mistakes. I should probably stop finishing these chapters when I am half asleep. Reviews are greatly appreciated!**


	27. Chapter 27

The dreary, pouring rain seems to soak the entire city. I sigh as I stare steadily out the window of our apartment, looking down at the street below it. People rush by, most of them using umbrellas, walking fast in the cold summer rain. It reminds me of home, another reason why I don't want to step outside at all today. It's not like I really have a choice.

I turn to Melanie, watching as she sips her coffee, pouring a shot of liquor in it when she thinks I'm looking away. I roll my eyes as I move towards the table, and sit in the seat opposite of her. "You working on that beauty school application?" She nods softly and I cross my arms over my chest. "Maybe you should stop drinking, then."

Melanie moves her glance away from the computer, tugging on her huge sweatshirt and giving me a steady look. "Sam." She warns, waiting for me to get out of my seat in annoyance, but I don't do that. I'm hardly annoyed by her drinking at breakfast time, I'm actually sort of relieved. It's nice to focus on something else when Owen is still at the hospital after receiving his first reconstructive surgery. The doctors won't be sure if it worked for a few days, so that means a lot more waiting than I want.

I take a shaky breath as I cross my legs. "Whatever, Mel." I grumble, moving my glance to the living room, where Ava sits in front of a restless Lucas, attempting to calm him by relentlessly waving her arms around his face.

"Shh, Lukey!" She exclaims, picking up her violin from next to her bed. She begins playing a slow song for him and he quiets down immediately. I smile at my younger sister, pulling myself up from the table and walking towards the living room. I sit next to my son on the bed, squeezing his tiny hand. He's wearing pajamas Carly bought him when I was pregnant, a little blue onesie with small frogs, or some other amphibian, all over it. There's another one sitting in my bedroom for Owen. So far, almost all the clothes we have for them are identical. I just can't wait until I can put the other set to use.

"You're a good aunt, Ave." I mutter and she gives me a smile, continuing to play a piece on her violin. I ruffle Lucas's dark hair, studying his face like I have done so many times since he was born. I pick him up and cradle him in my arms, attempting to protect him from the immense amount of stress I'm feeling. I'm not sure if he can pick up on it, but I want him to be happy. Freddie walks out of the bathroom with a smug eyebrow raised.

"You're up." He murmurs, running a hand through his wet hair as he begins walking towards the kitchen to make himself coffee. I sigh. Neither of us got any sleep last night. We haven't slept in nights, thinking about Owen for endless hours until dawn. The second my eyes even started to close, Lucas starts wailing from his crib. The lack of sleep puts me in even more of a daze than normal. It's been a few days and my body really needs sleep it isn't getting.

I sigh again, zoning out to the sound of Ava's violin. I almost feel sick to my stomach, a nagging feeling pulling at my thoughts. I feel lightheaded, dizzy and completely exhausted. I hardly notice Freddie walk to the bed and place his hand on my back, rubbing down softly as he crouches next to me.

"Can we go..." He trails off, moving his glance down the hallway. I softly nod, letting my eyes graze Ava, who gives me a sympathetic look. It sort of stings, not because of how much I hate people feeling bad for me, but because of how young she is, how she's so familiar with this sadness. I know we don't give Ava everything she deserves, and she's just an eleven year old kid whose life is devoted to taking care of her family, it isn't fair to her.

But like I always seem to do, I put my younger sister in the back of my mind and lift Lucas from her bed, watching as she sighs softly and picks the violin up, beginning to play a faster piece.

Freddie gives my hand a rough squeeze as I cradle our son in my arms and walk down the hallways. We come up to our room and I attempt to keep my breathing steady and my eyes away from him. I don't want him to see me this fragile, so I don't say anything.

Freddie twists the knob and I immediately face my back to him and gaze out the window, shaking my head softly at the rain falling in front of my eyes. I move Lucas's small hand to the window sill and shakily move it to the ledge, drawing a deep breath in.

Freddie's voice breaks the silence as he moves a hand over our son's stomach and sighs. "The rain reminds me of home."

"Yeah." I mutter, glancing at the street and shaking my head. "I sort of miss it." I pause. "I mean...like Spencer, and Gibby and even your mother." I don't admit that I actually miss my own mom too and I'm not sure why. Maybe I want the feeling of someone comforting me, constantly coaxing me by with sweet nothings. My mom hardly did that, maybe once of twice in my entire life. I actually only remember one instance, where she was most likely high and on the verge of tears, shushing Melanie and I while one of her boyfriends was shooting up in the family bathroom. I'm not sure I was older than seven. I wonder is Mel remembers that as clearly as I do.

The vivid memory is the saddest part, knowing that there were hundreds of situations similar than that, but this time our mother's voice was soft and half sweet, and she might've even told us she loved us. It's sort of weird how that's one of the only times I've heard her say that.

"Maybe my mom will come visit some time." Freddie is oblivious to my pounding thoughts as he continues to look out the window with a firm grip on our son. "She really wants to meet the twins."

"Yeah." I raise an eyebrow and ignore the stinging in my chest. I'm not even sure where my mom is right now. I want her to be eager about meeting my sons like Marissa is, I want her comfort. I want someone's comfort, the kind I'm not going to get from Freddie, Carly, Melanie or my sympathetic little sister. I roll my eyes. I'm becoming the dependent person I swore I'd never be.

"I'm scared." I squeak, taking a deep breath and letting my eyes land on Lucas, at his small, content face. It brightens me up for a second, until I remember that his twin brother is still in the hospital, and we won't know his condition until god knows when. We've visited the hospital countless times, but have only seen Owen a few. Not even the doctors are sure of his condition right now.

I don't look up at Freddie until I hear his soft sigh as he slowly moves to the bed, collapsing down and lying Luke next to him.

"He looks exactly like you." I manage to mutter between deep breaths; desperate attempts to keep my eyes from watering.

Freddie nods softly, moving his eyes up to meet mine as he moves a hand behind his head and rubs down uncomfortably. "You know, I hate this just as much as you do, baby." He whispers.

I grumble. "Can we not talk about it?"

"It doesn't exactly brighten me up either." He replies, letting his finger rest in our sons hand.

I shut my eyes, in attempt to fall asleep or escape my thoughts or something, even though I'm sure it won't work. "Is there something you wanna tell me, baby?" Freddie's words almost echo in the otherwise silent room as he reaches out to touch my hand.

I flinch away. "No, why would there be?"

He sighs deeply, moving positions so he's facing me with a drained look and glassy eyes. "I heard you talking last night." He says quietly.

"Talking?" I mutter with shrugged shoulders, still not sure what he's getting at here. "To who...?"

Freddie shakes his head. "Nobody. You were mumbling something half asleep," He stops talking to raise an uneasy eyebrow at me. "You don't remember it, do you?"

"No..." I whisper. "What did I say?"

He stays silent for a minute and my mind aches with curiosity, wondering what could be keeping me up when I was in some sort of half conscience daze. I have a feeling it wasn't about Owen.

"You miss your mom, don't you?"

I shiver at Freddie's soft words, and stop myself from nodding at them too quick. Instead I turn away from him with a quivering lip, knowing that it's impossible to look at him without bursting into tears.

"You don't have to worry about her anymore." Freddie coaxes. "She's far away from us. She's not someone you have to look after anymore." With a sigh, he finishes. "Sam, you're free from her."

"I don't feel like I am." I huff, biting my lip as soon as the words leave my mouth.

"I know, baby." His words are shaky and I can tell he's on the verge of crying. I hear a quiet sniffle and place a hand to my face as I glance at Freddie. His eyes are as red as mine probably are, and he's looking down at Lucas. The sight alone almost makes me lose it.

"I don't think I can- there's so much...I can't do this alone." I mutter between deep breaths. Freddie raises a soft eyebrow and I shake my head. "I mean, I know I'm not alone. But I..." I drift off, drawing circles on my palm with my thumb nail.

His voice is quiet. "Do you wanna talk to her? I don't think you should, she's just going to flake on you again..."

I'm not sure if I should nod or shake my head, so I ignore the question completely. "I never used to talk in my sleep." I snarl, turning away from Fredward and the baby.

Freddie doesn't respond at first, he just takes his shaky hand in mine and runs his fingers over my own. "This isn't easy, baby. We're under a lot of stress right now, it's fine. You're fine, and you'll be able to get over her soon." He drifts off.

I glance at him with raised eyebrows and a deflated sigh. "Yeah, well." I take a deep breath. "When Owen gets out of the hospital, I'm gonna get a job."

"What about college?"

I narrow my eyes at him. "We're not made of money."

"Yeah." Freddie mutters. "Maybe I'd wanna do school at night."

"Maybe I would too," I roll my eyes. "but I'm not going to."

Freddie gives me a soft sigh. "Hey, we'd be fine if you went."

"Yeah." I snort. "With all that extra time and money I have."

"Come on, Sam..."

I roll my eyes and give him a steady glare. I can feel my body tensing as I become increasingly angrier at him, at everything. I continue. "You know, I hate when you act like this!"

He's quick to raise an eyebrow defensively. "Act like what?"

"Everything is not okay, Fredward! Pull your goddamn head out of your ass, you can't be positive about every damn thing, you know that?"

He crosses his arms over his chest. "Oh, sorry. Excuse me for trying to cheer you up every once in awhile."

I roll my eyes. "Our kid's in the hospital with a serious heart condition, we don't know if he's gonna be okay! You can't act like its all fucking perfect, it's not! It's not perfect like your stupid life has been up to now, Freddie."

I keep my eyes locked with his as I stand up and cross my arms over my chest, my heartbeat pounding in my ears. I don't know exactly why I'm fighting with him, but I know that I have to And I know I'm not done with this conversation.

I don't let him respond. "Things have changed, alright? And I'm waiting for the day when you realize that and leave this apartment! Because you can't handle shit! You haven't been asked to handle anything your entire life, your goddamn mother has done it all for you! I didn't have that, alright? I have to deal with this how it actually is!" I take a deep breath. "And it isn't fucking easy."

Immediately after I finish talking, Lucas lets out a shriek. I bite my lip. "And you have no goddamn clue what's going on with my mom. Maybe it's not good that she isn't in my life, you know? Maybe I actually want a damn motherly figure!"

I let my last words echo through the room as I slam the door. I immediately shut my eyes and will myself not to cry. When I open them, Carly is standing in front of me.

"Jesus!" I yell, giving her a long glare. "What do you want?"

"Sam." Carly stands uncomfortably close to the door I just exited, her voice soft.

"What?" I raise an eyebrow as I start walking down the hallway. When I notice Carly following me with wide eyes, I sigh. "Let's get out of here for a little bit."

* * *

><p>"Maybe you should learn how to control yourself sometimes. Not like it's your fault because of everything that's going on, but..." Carly raises an eyebrow at me. "It's not really healthy to...always do this with him."<p>

I click my tongue. "Yeah, well. I don't really think our relationship is healthy."

I can feel her glare burning my flesh as I walk alongside her. I pretend to be naive about it until she clears her throat. "You should go back home and talk to him."

I raise an eyebrow. "I should do a lot of things."

"Come on, Sam." She says in a stern voice. "Soon, you won't be able to go back home and talk to him." Carly begins to turn away from me.

I roll my eyes. "That's nice, Carls. Thanks." I reply sardonically. "I appreciate the help!"

I watch as her face falls into an expression I recognize way too well- disappointment. I know that I should go back home and spend time with Freddie and Lucas. I know that they both need me, and that I sure as hell need them. There's no use being alone. But maybe I have to be, just for a few minutes in a bitter attempt to clear my mind.

Carly gives me one last glance before she starts walking in the direction of the apartment. I sigh and continue walking the opposite direction. I have to remind myself to breathe. My head is spinning and Owen's face is constantly in my mind. I don't know what to do. I feel powerless. I could go to the hospital and wait, wait for more doctors to come in and tell me something I don't quite understand. I could wait for somebody to tell me he's okay and we can take him home, but I don't have my entire life to sit in the plastic chairs of the hospital waiting room.

Not like walking the streets of SoHo aimlessly is accomplishing anything more. With a long steady sigh, I shrug as I shamefully turn around, ready to walk home. Carly and I didn't walk too far from the apartment and I'm not surprised that we only made it a few blocks. I run a hand through my hair as I come up to the corner before our apartment. I hear a familiar voice around the corner and immediately stop in my tracks so I can tell what Melanie is saying.

"It's just...hard." Her voice is soft and it cracks on the last word. "It's the only way I can make money." A deep breath emits from her mouth. "My boss is an asshole."

I move closer to decipher what she's saying without her noticing, turning halfway around and leaning against the wall she talks on the other side of. Something about this conversation seems too familiar, and I almost immediately know who she's talking to. Even if I don't want to.

Melanie's steady breathing and a few uneven sniffles give it away, I know she's crying. "8 days, huh? Mommy, that's amazing."

My nails dig into my palm and it takes everything in me not to sneak out from the corner of our apartment building and tear the phone out of her hands. She's talking to our mother, the woman we both swore we would never have anything to do with again.

"Stay sober." She sighs and her voice comes out again as a squeak. "I miss you."

I take a deep breath and peer my head around the corner so I can stare at Melanie, her eyes shut tight as she leans against the wall. When she opens them, fresh tears float down her cheeks. Her voice comes out a lot shakier this time. "Oh." She whispers into the phone. "It's fine. Bye." And then she ends the call, a new wave of tears immediately come upon her cheeks.

I bite my lip and prepare myself. It doesn't take long and in only a few seconds I'm walking to near door of our building, coming face to face with my twin sister. Her eyes widen but she doesn't say a word.

"What the hell, Melanie?" I spit. I try to control my anger, but there's too much to control right now. It's been building up far too high. The fight between Freddie and I didn't even let out half of it. I look my sister up and down and shake my head. "Mom?!"

"Yeah." She whispers sheepishly.

"Why?" I yell.

Before I can say anymore, Mel interrupts me. "She's getting her life together, Sam. Been sober for 8 days."

I roll my eyes at the water bottle in her hands. "What does that mean to you?"

Melanie thinks for a second before narrowing her eyes at me. "You know, maybe I like talking to someone who actually cares about me. Someone who asks about the bruises on my face." She snarls.

"Oh come on, Mel." I roll my eyes and soften my tone, feeling a pinch of guilt. But only a pinch. "I've been meaning to."

When she doesn't reply, I raise an eyebrow. "It's just that...maybe our heroin addict, alcoholic excuse for a mother isn't exactly the person to confide in." My voice is laced with sarcasm and Melanie's face instantly fills with hurt.

"Maybe she is. Because I forgive, Sam. I'm not the asshole piece of shit you are!"

I cross my arms over my chest. "Maybe not an asshole," I clear my throat and move a hand past hers, softly taking the water bottle out of her grip. "but you're definitely a piece of shit."

I move the bottle to my mouth and let the harsh liquid Melanie filled it up with run down my throat, making it a point that she sees me doing it. Then I swing the door open and walk up the stairs, taking a good, long sip each time I reach the top. And then I'm at our apartment door, which I slide my key through and attempt to steady myself in the doorway, taking a good look at our messy apartment. There's stuff all over the floor, clothes and cleaning supplies and toys. But I don't worry about that right now. I don't worry about the horrified look Carly is giving me from the living room, I don't worry about my son, sitting contently in her arms. I make a point to stomp over anything and everything on the floor and finish the bottle, tossing it among the other objects. I'm especially loud as I push my bedroom door open, making Freddie's eyebrows raise as he sits on the bed.

He doesn't say anything. I don't want him to.

"Melanie," I start, walking to the bed as I push the computer off of him swiftly. "was on the phone." I move my hands to his chest and sit on his lap. He doesn't move me, just continues to stare at me with wide eyes. "With my mother." I dip my head down so we're eye to eye and I let my lips graze over his softly. "And I was wrong. I-" I stop talking to give him another kids. "Sorry." Another hand undoes his belt buckle and pulls it off quickly. Freddie's eyes are confused and I shake my head. "I don't wanna become her." I mutter as I move his pants completely off and settle my hand on his boxers, feeling guilt and shame, and mostly a spinning head, spinning room around me. "I won't become her."

**So sorry this is so ridiculously late. I was out of the country for awhile and have been SUPER busy with work etc. I also met Ariana Grande last weekend and if you're at all interested, pics are on my twitter: heckyesgrande. Thanks for reading and PLEASE review and let me know what you thought! Next chapter will be up a lot quicker.**


	28. Chapter 28

"You have to open your mouth, Ava." I swing the thermometer in my hand.

My sister looks up at me with a bitter expression and a shake of her head.

"Come on, Ave. It'll take 5 seconds." I mutter. "It won't hurt or anything."

I'm surprised when I hear her high pitched voice in response. "I'm gonna throw up when it's in my mouth."

I roll my eyes. "No you won't." Ava finally opens her mouth the smallest amount possible and I inch the thermometer under her tongue. "Hold it there until it beeps, alright?" My eyes lock with hers as she gives me a forced nod. "I'll be right back."

I walk down the hall, and let my knuckles rasp the door of Mel and Carly's room. Carly opens a few seconds later, Lucas in her arms. I raise an eyebrow at her. "You mind watching Ava?" I ask, lifting my son out of her hands without her permission. "I've gotta get the hell out of here. Freddie's shift was supposed to be over by 7:30 but he's still not home and I wanna get to the hospital before visiting hours are over." I explain in a rush, gratefully watching as Carly nods understandingly.

She peaks her head out of the door, to Ava taking her temperature in the kitchen. "How sick is she?"

"I don't know." I admit with a shrug. "She said she might throw up." I mutter, watching as my best friend's eyes begin to widen. "But I bet she's just bullshitting me."

Before Carly can respond, I hear a small shriek come from the kitchen, followed by the sound of some sort of thick liquid hitting the ground. Carly's exhausted eyes meet mine.

"Guess it wasn't bullshit, then." I glance down at Lucas, his eyes resting peacefully in my arms. I feel bad leaving Carly here alone, especially with my younger sisters vomit all over the kitchen floor, but if she agreed to it 5 minutes ago, she agreed to it now. And I'm way too stressed to deal with this. I give her a small pat on the shoulder as she begins to push past me on her way to the kitchen. "Thanks, Carls."

"Yeah." She sighs. "You're welcome."

I swing the front door open with one hand and secure my son with the other as I begin walking downstairs, coming face to face with a nervous Freddie. "Sam!" He exclaims, his voice fast and jittery.

"You're late." I snicker, biting my lip to hide my delighted smile after seeing him. I lean into his embrace and be careful to keep a good grip on Lucas. I hand Lucas over to him with a smirk.

"Hi baby!" He exclaims, looking down at our son with a smile on his face. "I missed you." Freddie looks up just to catch me looking back at him. "And you, too."

His hands go for my waist and he begins walking up the stairs, expecting me to follow. "You don't wanna go up there. Ava puked everywhere."

Freddie narrows his eyes. "Can someone watch Lucas when we go to the hospital?"

"Uh," I start, silently cursing at myself. I hadn't even thought of that. "Yeah, one second. I'm just gonna..." I motion to the apartment door and Freddie nods.

I twist the doorknob open and Carly's eyes immediately dart to me. The poor girl looks exhausted and I draw a sharp breath in. "Hi." I murmur, walking into the kitchen and admiring the newly cleaned floor. "Thanks, Carls."

She only raises an eyebrow and asks "When's Melanie gonna be home? I could use a little help."

"Fuck it if I know." I roll my eyes and receive a snicker from Carly as I notice Ava sitting only feet away from her with her arms around her head and a small trash can next to her.

"Lucas is tired and we won't be gone long anyway. If he cries you know what to do." I explain to Carly as I walk my son to my room.

I admire his little face, his overpowering big eyes and his tiny lips. He's so big and beautiful, and I can't believe how much he's grown. My heart aches for Owen. I want to have him here, I want to be able to have him at all times like Lucas. "Wish me luck, baby." I whisper to my son, giving his forehead a small kiss as I put him inside the crib. "Maybe you'll be able to see your brother today."

His eyelids flutter in response and I lean down to kiss his forehead again. Before I leave, I grab the stroller in the corner of my room, inhaling deeply and trying to think positively. "See ya later, Luke." I say quietly as I shut the door carefully, eyeing Carly.

I can tell how exhausted she is and I feel a surge of guilt. She was busy working all day and I feel bad to make her babysit my sick younger sister and child. "I'll text Mel. She better get her ass home, I feel bad leaving you alone."

"It's fine." Carly mutters, her eyes locking with mine as her expression softens. "Good luck, Sam."

I take a deep breath, using the wall for support as I immediately feel my knees ready to give in. I hate myself for feeling so vulnerable about this, but I don't know if I can take it anymore. Seeing my baby and having him torn away from my arms, not being able to take him home, is getting old. Damn quick. And all I want is to be able to stroll him down 5th avenue with his brother. All I want is for him to be home.

* * *

><p>The fluorescent lights immediately make me squint as Freddie and I walk into the hospital we have grown way too familiar with. My hand is latched onto his and I bite my lip, approaching the elevator and pressing the button. "I wish they'd give us some sort of warning." Freddie says.<p>

I nod. The doctors always let us know of Owen's condition, and even if he isn't his best we still have hope that we'll be able to take him home. I wish they would come out and say it before we hold our son in our arms and swear to god that is finally the day we don't have to say goodbye to him. So far, that day hasn't come.

I don't respond to him, I just cling onto his hand as we ride the elevator to the 6th floor. I focus on my breathing, and then on the tapping of my foot on the elevator floor. I curse myself for being so nervous. I doubt anything is going to happen, anyway. What the hell do I know? It could be weeks, even months, until we get to take him home. This could be only the middle of our daily hospital visits, this might not be the end of them. And I need to accept that.

Freddie senses how tense I am and runs a hand down my back. I defensively pull away and cross my arms over my chest as we exit the elevator. He takes my hand, softly running it over the handle of Lucas and Owen's stroller. "Maybe we'll finally be able to put this thing to use." His hopeful eyes meet mine.

I raise my eyebrows and softly mutter "Maybe."

Freddie's breathing matches mine, erratic and unsteady, as we walk down the hall to Owen's room. I could walk this hallway in my sleep with the amount of times I've done it, each time carrying a bundle of nerves and way too much uncertainty. I glance to the right with a deep breath. Room 6D.

I slowly walk into the room, tracing the steps I've made every day for the past three months. It only takes a second for me to be in front of his incubator, looking down at my wide eyed son.

Freddie squeezes my hand as he whispers "Hi, Owen."

Owen looks more awake than usual, his alertness brings a smile to my face. His eyes are big just like Freddie's, and he looks identical to Lucas in everything but size. That, and the IV poking out of his chest that still makes me wince every time I see it. I can handle blood and cuts and bruises, but seeing my baby boy with a needle sticking out of his body shatters my heart. And I somewhat hate myself for that, because a year and a half ago Sam Puckett would never have felt this way about anything. But I'm a mom now, and it might be heart wrenching and the most difficult thing I've ever had to do, but it's what I am. And I'm happy to accept that.

"Hello, Mr. Benson and Ms. Puckett." Owen's cardiovascular specialist, Dr. Kion, gives us a small smile. "How are you two?" I respond with nothing but a deep breath and he nods understandingly. "We've really watched his levels go up in the past 24 hours. They're still lower than the need to be, but they've certainly increased. We believe that the surgery is finally doing it's job. And as long as it continues, he won't need to receive any more for at least a year."

My eyes widen and I make eye contact with Freddie, whispering "A year. Damn." A year is a long time with no surgery, especially for someone with such a critical condition. We were told that the first one we got was only supposed to help his heart for a few days before he needed another solution. But if this is actually helping it work correctly, it must mean "Can you release him?" I demand louder than intended.

Dr. Kion takes a long look at Freddie and I and seems to be deep in thought. It only makes me more nervous. "Well," he starts "that is always an option. He isn't completely recovered and he will need a replacement piece in his heart in the next few years. There's no question about that. But for now, there are no real problems. As long as he sleeps with the dehumidifier and you give him his various medications and massaging vest, he could be okay. Of course, only if you two feel you can handle it."

"Yes!" Freddie exclaims, his wide eyes darting from Owen, to me, then to the doctor. "We can handle it!"

"It isn't going to be easy for him to adjust in a new place, and there could be a few scares where his heart starts acting up because of the differences in the environment. In that case, you will need to take him into the emergency room immediately. Even if nothing goes wrong, we will see him every two days so we can closely monitor his heart. Sometimes, we may need to take him overnight."

My chest feels tight as I nod along to the doctors words, reaching into Owen's incubator and feeling his tiny hand wrap around my finger. "We can handle that." Freddie is quick to reply and lock his eyes with mine, muttering "Right, baby?"

I nod slowly, noticing his glazed over eyes and his hopeful expression. It's like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders, but immediately after another was dropped on them. Freddie and I are completely responsible for Owen now, and it's not gonna be easy. I know that. I also know that we've made it through a surprising amount of hardships this year alone, and they weren't easy. But we adjusted and we made it. So this can't be too hard, right?

I bite my lip and swallow down, finally responding to Freddie. "Right."

* * *

><p>A few more doctors came in and reminded us of everything that could go wrong, every machine we have to set up in our tiny apartment and every medication Owen has to take. I wasn't completely listening to them. It's hard, when my mind is racing and I'm wondering how the hell we're going to make this work. I have to know that it won't always work out perfectly, this doesn't necessarily mean Owen is okay forever. Actually, it doesn't mean that at all. It means he's okay for now.<p>

I attempted to keep it together the whole cab ride home, but that only lasted for so long. I can feel my bottom lip quivering as I twist the doorknob to the apartment and hear Freddie's shaky voice tell Owen "Welcome home, baby."

I instantly hold a hand over my mouth as Ava's tired eyes look up from her bed and a gasp forms on her mouth. "Oh my god!" She exclaims. "Owen!"

I don't want her to see me cry, so I just nod softly and give her a small smile. Freddie scoops him out of the stroller and into his own arms.

I hear Melanie's voice from the hallway. "Damn, it's about time you guys-" She stops dead in her tracks, almost dropping Lucas who lays comfortably in her arms. "Holy shit!" She grins. "Sam!"

I haven't seen Melanie so happy in a long time, and the thought that something could be changing with her makes me smile. And when she swings her arms around me and tightens them, and I can hear her whimpers over my shoulder, it makes me tear up. I'm not sure what kind of tears are filling up my eyes. Tears of relief and happiness and the feeling that finally I'm able to have both of my sons secure in my arms. And then there's also the nagging feeling of fear, making me shaky and unsure of what to do next. I try to ignore that.

She pulls out of the hug and her eyes immediately go to Owen. She just shakes her head and whispers "God, you guys...he's perfect."

Carly walks out of her room, curious why we're making so much commotion. I give her a smile and she opens her mouth, inhaling a sharp breath as she begins to walk closer to us. "Aww!" She squeaks, surrounding Owen like the rest of us. "Hi O."

Ava lifts herself off the bed, making sure not to get too close to either Owen or Lucas. Her smile is wider than anyone else's in the room as she locks her eyes with me. "I love you, Sam! I love them too! I feel like...like I'm really, really lucky."

Everyone around me lets out a small breath in response to Ava's shaky statement, but Melanie is the first to talk. "Well I feel like we're really lucky." She moves closer to our younger sister and wraps her into a hug. "Because we've got you."

Ava's eyes are tired and her skin is really pale, and I can tell it's hard for her to even talk without wanting to pass out. It doesn't take long for her to sit on the bed again, holding an ice pack against her head as she attempts to put her feet under the covers.

Carly and Melanie realize that Freddie and I have to set everything up for Owen and go into their room with soft smiles. Somewhere during this point, Freddie and I realize that it isn't all fun and games from here. We walk towards our bedroom and I drop all of Owen's necessities on the floor, something we'll set up during our sleepless hours tonight. For now, I need to relax. Sort of take it all in.

"This is weird." I decide as I place Lucas and reserve a spot for myself next to him. "I don't know if I can do...this."

"Yeah." Freddie agrees. "It's weird." He sighs. "But you can definitely do it, you know that." I eye him. He knows I don't know that, so he adds. "Just do everything your mom didn't."

I raise an eyebrow. "If only it was that easy."

Tonight, everything seemed great, but in the full picture our household has more than an abundant amount of flaws. Melanie's continuing to drink, I'm continuing to question the relationship I have with my mom. Ava is starting school, regular public school that she is less than excited about, in two days. Freddie's job at the Pear Store is hardly paying our portion of rent. I've filled out at least twenty job and college applications and haven't received one reply. And the biggest one...I don't know how to be a mother. I have no damn clue. I tried the first three months of Lucas's life, but now I have two. One with a life threatening heart problem.

I take a deep breath and Fredward turns to me and let's his hand run over my chin, pulling me into a tiny kiss. "I think we've done a pretty good job so far, huh?"

"I guess."

He looks down at Owen and then back up at me. "We really have, O. You haven't been here to see it but you'll notice it soon enough. Your momma is an amazing, beautiful woman. I'm sure you can already see that."

I roll my eyes but flash Freddie a small smile as well. "Shut up, Fredward." I chuckle slightly and glance down at my son. "Your dad is the biggest pushover you'll ever meet, Owen. Remember that. If you ever need anything, he'll give it to you in a second."

"Hey," Freddie mumbles jokingly. "That's not necessarily a bad thing!"

"Never said it was, Fredward." I finally let my eyes meet his and I give him a small smile. I don't wanna let my ego down anymore than I already have tonight, so I don't let myself actually thank him. Instead, I just mouth the words and turn my head away from him, insuring that he doesn't see me grin like an idiot.

**Please review! Thanks for reading, hope you guys enjoyed this chapter.**


	29. Chapter 29

"Today is gonna be long." Melanie announces to Owen and I as she pulls a bottle out of the cupboard. "So it calls for an early morning drink."

She grabs a shot glass out of the cabinet and pours the clear liquid into it, tilting her head back and taking it down quickly without a wince. Her eyes meet mine as she pours more into the small glass. "You look stressed." Mel nudges the drink towards me.

I roll my eyes. "It's half past six in the morning."

Freddie's loud footsteps warn me that he's walking into the kitchen. It only takes a second until he comes into view with Lucas in his arms, eyeing my sister and I leaning against the table. He immediately notices the bottle sitting next to Melanie and lets his eyes trace over it. "God, Melanie..." He snarls.

She narrows her eyes. "What does this have to do with you?"

He just raises an eyebrow and exchanges a look with me. "Just put it away before Ava wakes up."

Melanie raises an eyebrow and takes the bottle, spinning around on her heels so she can put it back in the cabinet. She doesn't hesitate to take one last swig, straight from the bottle, before doing so.

I take a second to examine at Freddie's face, obviously stressed and exhausted like mine. He looks down at Lucas in his arms and kisses his forehead, whispering something to him. Freddie looks up as Melanie exits the kitchen and goes back into her room, slamming the door behind her.

I sigh and Freddie's hand immediately covers mine. "You thinking about her?"

I'm too engulfed in my thoughts to process what he's saying. "Huh?"

"Your mom."

"Oh." I mutter. "Yeah." I don't feel like continuing to talk about it. I don't want to talk about the similarities I'm beginning to see in Melanie and my mom. I especially don't want to hear Freddie worry about it.

"Uh...did your mom used to-"

I cut him off before I have to hear any more of a topic he clearly has no clue about. "What?" I snarl. "Drink in the morning?"

Freddie raises an eyebrow sheepishly. "...Yeah."

"What do you think, Fredward?" I roll my eyes and look into Ava's room, where she's sleeping peacefully on her bed. My eyes shoot back to the clock on the oven reading 7:00. "Here." I mutter before Freddie can even respond, putting Owen into his arms.

I lift myself off the chair and begin walking to my younger sisters bed. I kneel down next to her and look at her disheveled brown hair and shut eyelids, admiring how peaceful she looks. She has this sort of serenity to her, something I can't really explain. She knows what to say, she knows how to react and she's only 11 years old. She's been through more than anybody. It isn't fair, but damn am I glad I have her.

I poke her arm a few times until her eyelids flutter open. She's the only person in the world I'll wake up in a non aggressive manner and that shows a lot about our relationship. "Morning, Ave. It's seven."

"Hmmm..." She groans and rubs her eyelids, ruffling the covers beneath her.

I raise an eyebrow and avoid Freddie's gaze as I walk right past him, into Melanie and Carly's room. Carly's face is more pale than normal as she lays in her bed, her hands covering her eyes and the blanket pulled up to her chin. I make eyes at Melanie, who sits on her bed with her phone in hand. "Is she okay?"

Mel shrugs and I roll my eyes, inching over to Carly. "Caaarls." I mutter. "You okay?"

She removes her hands from her eyes to look at me through narrow slits, then close them. "Not really."

"Aw, dude. Think you got what Ava had?"

"Mmmmp." Is her only response and I just raise an eyebrow, lifting myself from the floor next to her bed as my eyes meet Melanie's.

"Get out of here." I whisper. "She's sick."

Melanie groans and follows behind me. It only takes a second until she gets back in the kitchen and grabs a bottle from the cupboard. I watch Ava's eyes trace over the bottle. She sighs and looks down at Lucas in her arms, a smile crossing over his face.

"Kay so," My twin sister takes a swig and raises an eyebrow at me. "I'll be downstairs."

Ava, Freddie and I all watch as she walks out the door and shuts it behind her. I can feel Freddie's eyes focused on me, but I don't turn to him. I get up before anyone can say a word, picking an oral syringe off the counter and handing it to Freddie. "Here."

Freddie raises his eyebrows and props Owen up on his knee, waiting for me to slide the medicine to him. When I do, he pours the right amount into the syringe and positions it in front of Owen's tiny mouth. "Come on, buddy." He murmurs. Owen let's out a screech, which allows Freddie to let the medicine into his throat.

I wince at another loud screech coming from Owen's mouth. Ava frowns. "He hates that. Now Lukey is gonna start..."

I nod at my younger sister and Lucas. "You mind taking him in the other room for a minute?" I ask, beginning to get the rest of Owen's medication ready.

"Well I kinda have to get to school but-"

I raise my eyebrows at her and she slowly shuts her mouth. "Yeah, I'll take him to your room."

Owen continues to wail and I sigh, looking at Freddie helplessly.

"Come on, O. It's okay. Momma is getting the rest of your medicine." I chuckle as Owen continues to cry and Freddie sighs. "He doesn't understand what I'm saying."

"Yeah, Fredward. He's 3 months old." I mutter, handing him the rest of Owen's medication and two aspirins. Pointing to them, I finish "You'll probably need those."

"Yeah," he mumbles. "probably."

I glance at the clock with a sigh. "Where the hell is Melanie?"

"Is that a rhetorical question? I mean, it's not like anybody ever knows."

I roll my eyes and give him a smack on the arm that Owen isn't in. "Whatever." I sigh. "I'm taking Ava to school." I don't let Freddie respond, I just call "Let's go kid!" down the hall.

Ava walks down the hallway and smiles at me, handing Lucas to Freddie. I ruffle her hair. "You ready?"

"Yep!" She says as she grabs her backpack off of the floor and swings it onto her back.

"Alright, get a head start. I'll be down in a minute." Ava nods and walks out the door.

"Bye, babies." I coo as I kiss Lucas and Owen on the forehead. Looking up at Freddie, I say. "I'll be back in a half hour, but if you gotta get to work before then just tell Carly you're leaving and put the kids in the crib." Freddie immediately raises his eyebrows and looks impressed. I roll my eyes. "What, you're surprised that I know what I'm doing?"

"Not at all."

"I don't believe you but," I pick my phone up off the counter and give him a look. "bye."

"I love you!" Freddie shouts but by that time the door is already shut. I shake my head, thinking about how he's acted nervous all morning. He knows I hate when he hides something from me, and he also knows damn well that I can tell when he does. And it scares me because I don't know what the hell he could be hiding from me.

"Come on, we're gonna be late!" Ava's voice stuns me the same time the autumn air does.

"Alright." I glance at her short brown hair, in a ponytail in the back of her head as she grabs my arm and pulls me along.

I look around at the leaves on the sidewalk and the amount of people walking fast paced down the street. The New York streets look so beautiful in the fall.

"Do I have to go?" Ava mutters as she rummages through her backpack while we wait for the cars passing by.

"Yeah," I shrug. "You kinda do."

She sighs and kicks a piece of garbage by her foot. "I don't want to."

"I know, kid. But it's only the second week. Give it a chance."

Ava shakes her head as we begin to walk across the street. "It's not about school."

I swallow and notice how her expression tightens. "Oh," I mutter. "Ave..."

"What?" She replies with a huff. "Like I'm just supposed to accept this? It's a little hard watching my sister do the exact same thing my dad did that got him in prison!" Before I can say anything else, she gulps. "And I kinda like it here. I don't wanna be taken away again."

I slow down my steps and focus on my sister, my expression immediately softening for her. "Hey, c'mon kid. You're not gonna be..."

"Can't you get her to stop?!" Ava demands with her hands up in agony.

My eyes narrow. "I wish it was that easy."

My younger sister turns around and begins walking faster.

"What, Ava?" I ask in a deflated tone.

"It's like you don't even try!" She gulps. "And don't tell me you do! You act like her problem has nothing to do with you! But it has to do with all of us. Especially me."

"I try the best I can! But I know Melanie better than you do. I know that she's dedicated to whatever she chooses to spend her time with. And right now..."

"It's drinking." Ava finishes. "Right?" When I don't respond in a few seconds she repeats "Right?!"

With a sigh, I respond. "Well...yeah."

As soon as I'm finished talking, she sharply turns away from me and I follow after her as we begin to walk on more crowded streets, trying to grab her arm so she doesn't completely get away from me. When I pull her closer to me, I catch a glimpse of her red, teary eyes. It breaks my heart to see her like this. The poor kid has been through so much shit recently, how dare we put her through more of it? I swallow and mutter "I'll get her to stop."

"What?" Ava demands.

"I'm gonna get Melanie to stop drinking, okay?" I say again. A siege of guilt runs through me as soon as I finish talking, knowing I'm promising the almost impossible. But I kind of feel like I have to do it. For Ava.

I'm not used to having this kind of power over anyone. I'm surprised when my younger sisters eyes light up and she says "We need a plan to try to tell her what's going on isn't okay..."

"I'll take care of it from here...alright?" I try to change the subject, tapping her on the back. "Now c'mon, you're gonna be late."

* * *

><p>"Hey, Carls." I call into the apartment as I swing the door closed. "How you feeling?"<p>

I hear a groan from her room in response and I raise my eyebrows, walking past the mess that is my hallway and pushing the door to my room open. I'm surprised to see Freddie sitting on the bed with the twins, reading to them.

"Oh." I say, dropping my purse on the floor and looking up at him. "You're still here."

"Yeah," He mutters, freeing a hand to pat a space on the bed next to him. "Come on. Join us."

I look at him skeptically, eyeing the paper in his hands. "Are you reading the computer science instruction manual to our children?"

"Well, yeah." Freddie sighs. "It's important that they know these things."

"Not really." I say, plopping down next to him and tearing the paper out of his hands. I sneak Freddie a smile as I take Owen from his arms, listening to him coo as I look down at his tiny body.

"So baby," He says quietly, getting up from the bed and carrying Lucas into his crib. "I gotta talk to you."

"Damn, I can barely wait." I respond, watching as Freddie narrows his eyes at me. I focus on Owen's little face instead, his mouth moving in little O formations. "O, right?" I whisper. "Like Owen."

"Baby." Freddie annunciates and I look up to see him wide eyed, sitting up on the bed and looking right at me.

I let my eyes lock with his and lower my voice. "Yeah?"

"Uh, well..." He starts, looking down and tracing circles on the bed. Before he can talk anymore, the sound of the front door swinging open makes us both look over. The loud, lanky footsteps confirm that my twin sister just walked in. I can hear her trip, push herself off of walls and fall on the ground.

"God." I sigh. "Do you have work today?" I demand from Freddie. "Because I kinda have to get out of here..."

"I'll uh, get someone to cover my shift." Freddie swallows. "But Sam..." His hand covers mine. "It wouldn't kill you to stay."

"It might."

I let silence, other than Carly's exaggerated, persistent coughing and Melanie's rambling, take over the room. It allows me to think too much for my own good, and I turn my head away from Freddie so he can't see my bottom lip tremble. A tear drips down my face and I take a sharp breath in. "This morning," My voice cracks and I pause. "I was talking to Ava. And she's...she's terrified. There's nothing I can do, you know?"

Freddie's tone tightens and I still don't look at him as he slides a hand on my back. "I know."

I shake my head. "It's in my bloodline. If you're a Puckett, you're an alcoholic. I mean, both my parents were. Still are. It's gonna happen to Ava and it's gonna happen to one of our kids. I mean..." I look down at Owen. "It's unavoidable."

"But it already happened..." Freddie mumbles. "to Melanie. So we have to, we have to stop it."

"I don't know if that's possible, Fredward." I sneer, handing Owen to him as gently as I can. I get up softly and walk out of my room, ignoring Melanie stumbling around the hallway. I grab a box of my sister's cigarettes off the counter as I walk by, heading straight for the fire escape. As I step onto it, I feel the cold air surround me. It shocks me back into reality and I look down at the other stairs below and the sidewalk, filled with people hustling around the busy SoHo streets. It reminds me of this job interview I have today, to be tour guide on one of those double decker bus tours around the city. I sigh. What does it even matter, anyway? I'm just trying to get a minimum wage job that'll have me barely covering rent. I have to worry about other things, other things I won't have money to pay for. That scares me. I'm supposed to be raising two kids of my own, I don't even know how to do that. I'm obviously not doing a good job with Ava.

I groan and take a cigarette out of the box, lighting it promptly and inhaling the smoke. I feel bad, but not bad enough to stop. "Hi." I hear footsteps behind me and I look back to see Carly. Her hair is disheveled and she wears a large purple sweater and shorts. She starts walking closer to me and even leans on the fire escape next to me, eyeing the cigarette in my hand.

"You really shouldn't..."

"Yeah." I respond, glancing down at the street again. "I know."

"So..." She begins, taking a deep breath and letting her eyes meet mine. "I'm not sick." Before I can say anything, Carly finishes. "I quit my job."

"Damn, Carls." I reply, at a loss for words. I don't want to seem too upset with her. I don't want to be the kind of person who would pester her with questions about next months rent. Because I know Carly. She's always got something figured out. "Uh, why?"

"Well actually..." She whispers, pulling a piece of paper out of her back pocket. "Because of this."

I take the paper from her, immediately noticing the top of the letter, showcasing NYU's address. I raise my eyebrows. "You got in?!"

Carly's face relaxes and she nods excitedly, grinning softly. "Second semester." She quickly clears her throat. "Don't worry about money or anything...I talked to Spencer and he's gonna be paying for my college so I just need a part time job to keep up with everything around here." She meets eyes with me. "If that, of course, is okay with you?"

I laugh bitterly. "You don't have to ask me for permission." And even though jealously ignites through me, I somehow muster the courage to lock eyes with Carly and give her a sincere "Congrats, Carls." Her only response is a small grin, which gives me time to take a drag of the cigarette I've began to hate myself for and mutter "It's about time I've got my shit together."

"C'mon, Sam. You work hard."

I gesture to inside, watching my sister lean against the wall, drunk in the middle of the day. It makes my heart thump as I reminisce on my childhood, not too different from this. "Not hard enough."

"You can't control her."

"Well..." I start, realizing that Carly's words are true. I can't control her. No matter how much I want to. It's impossible. "I know." A thought crosses through my mind and I drop the cigarette to the ground and crush it with my heel. "I'll be right back."

I walk through the hallway and back into my room, where Freddie is rocking Owen in his arms, trying to get his crying to quiet down.

"You remember the first time we came into the city? For that film thing..." I start and Freddie looks up, still moving our son back and forth in his arms.

"Course I do."

"I was five months pregnant, and you lifted up my shirt and talked to the babies. I don't really remember what you said, it was just sweet, you know? Knowing you, it was probably pretty girly and sappy. But I sort of liked it."

"I remember, Sam." He says softly, moving an arm to touch my waist.

"Can you do that now?"

"Do what?"

I roll my eyes. "Talk to us."

"Okay." Freddie clears his throat as I take Lucas out of his crib and lay on the bed, staring straight at the ceiling with my son in my arms. I feel Fredward and Owen sit next to us.

Freddie clears his throat and starts. "This is a lot of bullshit, huh?"

**Hope you guys liked that chapter. Please let me know what you'd like to see me do with this story. I was thinking about ending Knocked Up in a few chapters and then doing a sequel where I switch POV's instead of just having Sam's POV all the time. Review and let me know what you** **think of that idea! Thanks for reading!**


	30. Chapter 30

"Here." I grumble, handing Carly an onion with one hand, holding Owen in the other.

"Thanks." She muses as she places it on a cutting board and hands Ava a knife, who begins chopping it into small pieces.

I sigh and glance at Freddie at the other side of the kitchen, trying to balance Lucas in one hand and read the directions on how to make a pie with the other. He senses my gaze and places the box of pie crust on the counter, walking over to me and swinging his arms around my neck. "It's not gonna be bad." He whispers against my lips.

My only response is narrowed eyes and a small huff. Earlier today, Freddie finally told me the news he's been hesitant about. Marrissa Benson had the fantastic idea to fly cross country to meet her grandchildren and see her son for the first time in months. Of course, seeing Freddie's mother is never too much of an exciting event for me, knowing that fact that we have never been able to have an actual conversation without accusations and bickering, but that isn't the only reason why I'm overreacting about this. As soon as Freddie told me, my heart felt heavy with jealousy. He rolled his eyes and grumbled on about how she's been wanting to make this trip for months and she's gonna be a pain in his ass the entire time she's here. And I held my breath. I _wish_ my mother was ready to fly across the country to see her children and grandchildren. She hasn't called once and asked me about them. I'm waiting for a call that is never going to come. I keep fantasizing that my mom will just pick up the phone and ask me about my new job, or how the twins are doing. I might even resent her for trying to connect with me, but I wish she would _try_.

The only information I get about my mom is from Melanie's drunken rambles, swearing that she's been sober for a whole week and is ready to turn her life around. If she wanted to make her life better, she might think of calling her other daughter and asking me one damn question about my life.

I mean I don't expect it, it's just a daydream.

I shake my head and look back up at Freddie. "I don't think it'll be bad." I sigh and stare at his unbelieving eyes. "Really. She deserves to see O and Luke, I'm not gonna stop her."

He nods softly and tight lipped, looking at Ava as she helps Carly with the soup they're preparing for Mrs. Benson's arrival. He knows better than to bring up my mother with Ava in the room. She's already being exposed to enough shit in this house right now, hearing about my addict of a mom can't be healthy for her. Freddie kisses my nose and adjusts Luke in his arms, glancing at the clock behind him. "Her flights gonna be leaving any minute." He mumbles with a raised eyebrow. "Ava, do you wanna go see Mel in her room for a few minutes?" Freddie asks, handing my younger sister Lucas as she walks by. "You can take Luke."

"Hi Lukey." Ave whispers as he coos along to the sound of her voice. A smile lights on her face and she holds him tighter and walks into Mel and Carly's room. It only takes a few seconds for the sound of her playing violin to emit from the room.

"I love you." Freddie quietly says, his face close to mine as he gives me a kiss on the lips. "Look at everything you're doing without her, baby. You hold this entire place together."

I smile, but still shake my head. "Shut up. You know that isn't true."

"Actually, it kinda is, Sam." Carly mumbles, leaning her hands on the counter and taking Owen out of my hands. His tiny mouth opens and he lets a little sound out. "I'm sure this little guy can agree."

I give them both a sheepish smile. "I should probably get ready for work." I grumble, lifting myself off of the chair.

Carly smiles. "Who the hell comes to New York City to go on a bus tour?" She pauses. "I think I'd kill myself if I had to be around those tourists all day."

"Yeah, well I'm not too far from that point." I mumble. I'm ready to go out and clear my mind, even if it means spending way too much time with cheap, European tourists who will refuse to tip me more than a quarter. I turn to Freddie, running a finger down his arm. I almost consider asking him to walk with me, but I need a distraction from my mother right now, not a reminder that she isn't in my life. "I love you." I whisper against his lips, trying to find a way to balance Owen between us. He smiles and kisses me and I almost blow off my job, tempted to stay in bed with him for the rest of the day. "And I _miss_ you." I continue to look into his eyes, sighing at the realization that I can't exactly blow away my commitments so we can have sex for the next 24 hours. And that's a little bit upsetting, especially because it's a crisp autumn Saturday and all I wanna do is spend time with Freddie without actually having to talk to him. We never really got the chance to relax in our relationship. I was pregnant, we were moving and stressed and dealing with way more than the average 18 year old kids. I bite my lip while slipping my hand under his shirt, running it over his bare chest. I remind myself to try and actually spend time with him after I shop and ruffle his hair softly. "I'll see you later, baby."

Freddie adjusts Owen in between us, finding a way to slip a hand under my shirt. It travels up my stomach, his nails slightly scratching my torso as they continue to move up. "You don't have to go." He says quietly, his hand tracing my bra strap. "Right?"

"Riggghhh..." I grumble as his hand cups my breast, moving my hand to his waistline and letting it travel down, over his jeans, then slowly back up.

"Get a room!" Melanie's voice starlets me and I notice the position I have over Freddie, my entire weight on his knee and my hands on his torso, our faces nuzzled together. I got way too close to him without even noticing, just furthering the point that we are both extremely sexually frustrated.

When I check for Carly at the stove, I notice that she left Freddie and I alone in the kitchen as we began to get heated. A small chuckle emits from my mouth and I smile. Smart, smart Carls.

I take Owen from Freddie's arms and choose to stare at his face instead of my pouting sister in front of us. I can't help but grin as I remember how beautiful my two boys are, watching Freddie move his hand to ruffle Owen's hair.

"I'm gonna go." I announce to my son, coddling him in my arms. "Okay, buddy? Love you."

"Where you going?" Mel mutters, crossing her arms over her chest.

"Work." I say quietly.

"Hope it doesn't suck, Sam." She mumbles sheepishly. The way she says it makes my eyebrows shoot up. It's a tone Melanie used to use often, confusing me until I realize that she's sober. Which shouldn't be too surprising for a Saturday afternoon, but sadly, it is.

"Um," I start, kissing Owen's head and opening the door to Mel and Carly's room, noticing my younger sister and best friend shaking toys in front of Lucas's face on the bed. I kiss Luke's head and give him a small smile before returning to Melanie. "Thanks."

"Bye, baby." Freddie mutters as I get closer to the door. "I'll take care of everything around here, alright?" He adjusts Owen in his arms, his big eyes staring right at me. "And I'll see you a few hours before my mom gets in, so we'll be able to finally see each other."

My lips touch his and I smile softly. "Can't wait, Fredward. Bye."

He says another lighthearted goodbye and I walk out of the apartment with a sigh. Sometimes I wish our life was the way I envisioned it when we first decided we were keeping the kids. I thought we'd live in a tiny one bedroom in the upper west side, just the four of us. And we'd be able to go on with our lives. Right now, it seems too difficult. Freddie and I both have jobs that pay a few bucks more than minimum wage, and I don't want it to be like that forever. I want to take a few classes here and there and get a degree in something. No matter what our living situation would be, it would take time, I know that. But now I feel like I barely have a minute to sit down and think about it. I have to worry about my younger sister like she's my own child. Fuck that, I have to worry about my twin _and_ younger sister like they're my own children. All while caring for my two actual children, working and trying to keep a healthy relationship with Freddie. I'm not exactly sure how that last one is supposed to turn out when we barely have a second to catch our breath.

Of course, maybe things wouldn't be easier without the added baggage of my two sisters and Carly living with us. Maybe we'd fight more and resent the time we actually have to spend together. I don't know, I guess I won't find out for a long time.

I sigh, walking down the subway steps, pondering this. I grab my ticket and wait for my train, imagining a fantasy world where I can actually start planning for my future. Maybe I need time, or motivation, or just an apartment with less people, but I need something to get me going. I can't be a stupid bus tour guide forever.

I step on the train and feel a tap on my shoulder that pulls my out of my thoughts. I turn around to see my identical twin standing behind me.

"What, did you follow me down here?" I mutter and she's quick to shake her head, finding a seat next to mine. I raise an eyebrow.

"No, I was just taking a walk and I guess we happen to be going to the same place."

"Yeah, Melanie." I crinkle my nose. "Because you love spending the afternoon in Times Square."

"So it's a crime that I wanna talk to you?" She asks, her voice laced with innocence and hurt. I glance at her eyes and pouted lips and click my tongue.

"Not what I meant, Mel." I pause. "What's up?"

She stops to think for a second, focusing way too hard on her beaten up flats. "Nothing."

I'm so used to her disheveled, slurred words that this answer almost feels like a surprise to me. Come to think of it, Melanie's personality seems like a surprise right now, too. I can't help but be confused by the way she's acting. Or the real question: why she's sober. I don't feel the need to hide the way I'm feeling with my sister, so I mumble "Didn't you drink anything today?"

She rolls her eyes and as soon as she stares at me I can notice the hurt in them. Damn, Melanie gets offended so damn easily. "No, Sam. Because guess what, I'm not an alcoholic. I don't need to drink every single day of my life."

"Okay." I mutter, knowing better than to give her a pointed finger in attempt to make the point that she _does_ drink every day of her life. "Let me rephrase that; why didn't you drink anything today?"

"Um," Mel pauses. I know her enough to give her time to answer this and I glance out the black window, listening to the chatter around us until she responds. "I'm kinda scared."

"Yeah?"

She shakes her head. "I'm fine, Sam." And for emphasis, repeats "_Fine_."

"Okay, then...what are you scared of?" I ask.

"You want the honest answer?"

"God, Melanie." I snarl and she gives me a sour look. "Yes."

"I'm scared of what Ava will think of me if I'm drinking all the time. Or what you and Freddie and Carly say behind my back about how I have a problem and need to go to rehab. I feel like I need to prove myself to you guys just to show you that I'm not one vodka tonic away from a heart attack." Mel says with her arms crossed over her chest.

The train stops and I sigh, raising an eyebrow and walking out of the door with my sister. "I think proving yourself takes a little more than being sober for one day."

She's silent for a moment as we walk up the subway stairs and come in contact with the bright sunlight and way too crowded sidewalk of Times Square.

"But what if I can't do any more than that?" Melanie mumbles pathetically beside me. I glance down and begin to cross the street.

"I don't know, Mel." I mutter. "Then you may have a problem. Don't you remember when mo-"

She crosses her arms over her chest and she knows what I'm about to say, her lips making a tight line. "Don't say it, Sam. I'm _nothing_ like her. I have a job, alright?" She snarls. "That's something she never did. I'm making money and I'm trying to raise my younger sister at the same time. I think I'm doing a pretty good job. God forbid I have a habit of drinking once in awhile."

"Mhm." I respond, my tone turning a little louder than I meant it to be. "When's the last time you actually talked to Ava? Has she told you what she thinks about your little alcohol _habit?_" I watch Mel's nose crinkle at the way my voice sounds, nasty and disgusted. I'm rarely this way to Melanie even though I'll do it to other people in a blink of an eye. I know how sensitive she is and I know how to push her buttons. "Cause she's told me."

My sister shakes her head as I arrive at work, ready to send her off on her way to ponder what I just said. It seems like all I can do right now. "Whatever, Mel." I clear my throat when she doesn't say anything. "Talk to Ave if you want, but I gotta go."

She just sighs and tears her eyes away from me. I almost want to put a comforting hand on her shoulder, but I know better than that, and even though I can see the hurt in her body language, I walk away.

I feel nausea creep up in my stomach as I walk inside of the touristy shop connected to the bus tour company and grab my name tag out of the back. My boss eyes me as I clip it onto the ugly, blue shirt I'm forced to wear and take a deep breath, trying to push the negative thoughts out of my system. As usual, I'm thinking about my mom. Seeing Melanie go down the same road she did is a constant reminder that we haven't talked in months, and with Mrs. Benson on her way to New York, I'm even more agitated by it. Especially during these tours, seeing happy families with two parents and cute children makes me long for something I never had. It sort of inspires me to try to create that with Freddie and Owen and Lucas. Although I'm not sure if I know how to do that.

"Sam? 2:00 tour starts in a few minutes." My boss, Brycen, mumbles to me from across the counter.

"Yeah, thanks." I mumble, making my way out of the store and into the double decker bus. I straighten my shirt and take another deep breath and glance around at the families who already boarded.

I attempt to clear my head with a cough and a sly smile. "I'm Sam and I'll be your tour guide this afternoon!" I attempt in the peppiest voice possible. "Where are you all from?"

* * *

><p>"Stop!" I hear a frantic voice as soon as I step on my floor, knowing immediately that it's coming from my apartment. I sigh. After a few hours of work, this is the last thing I want to come home to. I almost walk right out of the building before I even enter our apartment, but I realize I have nowhere else to go. And it can't be that bad.<p>

"You don't know _shit_!" My sister screams as I come into full view of her. Her hair is disheveled and her makeup is smeared over her face. Her eyes are bright red and tears set on her face. In her hand, a clear bottle.

Freddie stands across from her, a wailing Owen in his hands. "Give it to me, Melanie." He says, his voice harsh. "Give it to me!"

"Don't touch me!" Mel yells, tearing herself away from his grip on the bottle. When she notices me watching it all, her face crumbles even more. "Sam!" She says, stumbling over to me. "Help me! Your boyfriend is trying to hurt me!" More fresh tears land on her face as she finishes her slurred words and she points to Freddie with a shaky hand. "_Help_ me!"

Freddie's eyes meet mine and he looks unsure of what to do, trying to find a reason with my facial expression. I can't give him anything. I stare at Melanie and watch as Carly quietly walks out of her room, making delicate steps over to me with a hushed whisper into my ear. "Ava's really upset in there. What do we do, Sam?"

I want to yell at her. I want to scream at everybody in this room and tell them to shut the hell up and that I have no idea what we're supposed to do. Just because I'm used to this stuff doesn't mean I know what the hell I'm doing. Mrs. Benson is going to be here any minute and I'm the only one with some damn order in here. Who would've thought?

I don't know what to tell Melanie. She's incoherently drunk, I can't let her out like this. But she can't stay in here, either, forcing our younger sister to hear her. Ava doesn't deserve this in the least. She's had enough pain to last a lifetime. Carly looks frazzled as well, not sure how to handle any of this. And Freddie looks his worst, yelling at Melanie with every bit of agony inside him.

I walk closer to Fredward, taking Owen out of his arm and cradling him so his head is facing the direction opposite of my sister. I turn to Carly. "Try to calm Ava down." I whisper, glancing at her tired eyes.

Carly nods, tight lipped and unsure as she walks back into her room. Owen's still crying a little bit, and I rock him in my arms in attempt to calm him down. Freddie's eyes meet mine once again and I bite my lip, walking closer to my sister.

"Mel." I mutter, trying to keep my voice a lot more calm than I actually am. "Put it down, alright? You're gonna lay down. I'll get you some coffee."

"You have _no_ control over me." She snarls, slamming the door to the bathroom.

Freddie attempts to hold me back from the door, trying to calm me down by rubbing my arm softly. "C'mon baby, my mom's gonna be here any minute." He pulls me so I'm facing him and raises soft eyebrows at me, his eyes scanning mine. "You're okay." He mumbles, pulling me into a soft hug. "Melanie's okay." When I don't respond in a few seconds, he finishes. "It's just an off day for us. But we'll make it through, right?"

"I..." Is the only sound I make as I writher out of his grip, shaking my head softly. "Just give me a second."

I don't even bother listening to what he has to say. I know he's worried about his mother showing up in the midst of all this, but I can't worry about that right now. Melanie's well being is more important.

I know that she's locked the door and I can hear her heavy breathing behind it. I twist my nail in the lock, swinging it open to find Mel sitting against the side of the toilet. Her eyes covered by her hand, holding a half empty bottle of Vodka.

"What are you doing?" I ask softly, trying my best to keep a calm voice for her. "C'mon, Mel." She doesn't say anything, which prompts me to mumble "Get up."

"No." She grumbles. "I can't get up."

"Melanie." I say sternly. I don't want to watch her pity herself on the bathroom floor anymore. I place a hand on the bottle and she winces, moving her hand away from mine.

Mel's eyes finally raise up to meet mine. "Stop it." Her lips are tight and even though her eyes are narrowed at me in disgust, I try to take the bottle out of her hands once again.

We're almost wrestling for the bottle of vodka now, and my grip is placed half over the cap. With a groan, Melanie twists it out of my hands.

I gasp, watching it shatter on the tile floor. Freddie twists the doorknob as soon as he hears the glass come in contact with the ground, his arms finding my shoulders quickly. I glare at him. "I can handle it."

"Sam, I-"

"I know what I'm doing." I grumble, turning away from him even when he keeps his gaze on my sister and my dispute.

Melanie's back is turned from me and she lifts a hesitant arm up, trying to block her face from me, hoping I don't see the tears spilling onto her cheeks. I step over the glass, pulling her arm towards me. My eyes travel down and I stare at her arm, my mouth opening in shock when I see the marks on it. "Mel..." I mumble unsteadily, barely able to believe the words I'm about to say. "Are those..." I swallow. "You have track marks on your arm." I breathe out, stepping away from her like I'm suddenly afraid. I feel betrayed. How dare she resort to the same drug that ruined our mother? Her problem never felt this real until now.

So I step away from her, my eyes searching the glass on the floor quickly. I push past Freddie, even though his concerned eyes search me, begging for answers. But I can't give him answers right now. Not for this.

**Thank you guys for reading! Please review and let me know what you think of Melanie's behavior.**


	31. Chapter 31

"Owen!" I take a deep breath, trying to place his medication inside his mouth for the tenth time this morning. He erupts in a fit of screams and I sigh, placing the syringe full of medicine on the counter, where I notice Marissa's concerned eyes. She sits at the kitchen table with baby Lucas in her hands, rocking him back and forth. I gotta give her props in handling the kids. Luke hasn't made a sound all morning, when Owen has been nonstop crying for what seems like hours. I wanna ask Mrs. Benson how she does it, but I can't bring myself to it. It's a pride thing.

Instead, Marissa walks to me with Lucas in her arms. "He likes his head held up." She says, mocking the motion with Luke.

I nod softly, giving her a once over and a quick "I _know_." I put my hand over Owen's head and his crying stops abruptly.

I can hear Freddie's faint footsteps in the bedroom and I give Marissa a small smile as I begin to walk down the hallway with a crying Owen in my arms. I swing the door open and sigh against it as Freddie glances at me.

He's hesitant to ask "You okay?"

I shake my head, feeling tears of frustration brim my eyes. I feel like I'm pregnant again with the way my emotions are, but I've hardly slept in the past few days. It's a little hard when my mind is constantly searching for answers about Melanie, still dealing with everything I have to do here and feeling the burden of Freddie's mother constantly taking up room in this apartment. Even though my only response is a muffled sigh that he can barely hear over our sons crying, Freddie takes Owen from my hands and places his arms around me, kissing my forehead softly.

O keeps on crying through our hug, and when we pull out Freddie rocks him and whispers something in his ear.

"He's refusing the medication." I grumble. "_Again_." I give him a look that asks that he takes care of it, and he nods softly, walking out the door. Owen's wails fade as they go down the hallway.

I wait until I hear Freddie and his mom's conversation before I sneak out of my bedroom, moving down the hall to get into Mel's and Carly's room. I take a quick once over around the room making sure that Carly's already at her morning job interview before shutting the door. I bite my lip as I open a drawer, my eyes vigorously searching it. "Dammit." I mumble shakily as I don't come across what I'm looking for.

I open another one, and another after that, tearing through the contents and pouring them on the floor in frustration. I don't know why I'm trying. Melanie isn't stupid, she knows to keep her drug paraphernalia hidden in a place nobody can find. There's no way she keeps it in this tiny apartment, it'd be too obvious.

Still, I'm angry. I sit on the floor, in a pile of what was once in the dresser drawers. I shakily gather my head in my hands, attempting to keep the tears that brim my eyes from spilling onto my cheeks. It doesn't work.

I feel a little bit pathetic, sitting in the middle of my sister's bedroom with tears down my cheeks. I don't even know why I'm wasting my time on this. It's not like it matters anymore. I can throw away as many needles as I want, it doesn't mean a thing. She'll find a way to get them back. My mom always did.

My anger overrides any sadness I'm feeling at the thought of my mother. I think of Mel and I as children, basically fending for ourselves since birth. It really fucks someone up to be exposed to that they're entire life. Melanie and I are prime examples. But she has Ava, and even though Ave joined this family later in her life, she's still just a kid. This is still going to hurt her as much as it hurt me when I was younger. And that isn't fair.

"You should get out of the house today, baby." Freddie's voice makes me tear my eyes from the floor and up at him. He crosses his arms as he stands over me, no longer holding Owen. My sniffling comes to a halt at the sight of him and I notice that our sons crying no longer sounds in the apartment. I'm almost impressed at Mrs. Benson' gift with children.

Freddie crouches down next to me and I struggle to keep my gaze on him. "You know, it's not healthy to sit in here and dwell on it." He tries softly.

"She hasn't paid rent the past two months." I say lifelessly. "I should've known." I don't let Freddie respond. "She's never around, she's always out late and when she does come home her pupils are so small they're barely visible. And she has that vibe." I shiver, repeating "I _should've_ known."

Freddie's adjusted his position so that he's sitting next to me, a hesitant hand on my shoulder. "So we have to help her."

I don't answer. There isn't a point in telling him that I have no damn idea how to help her. "How long until she ends up in the hospital?" I grumble. "Is that gonna be the first time Ava finds out about this? The day she's laying in a hospital bed having her stomach pumped out?" I sniffle. "What about Owen and Lucas? Why do you think I moved so damn far from my mom? I don't _want_ them to have an addict in their life." I can't finish the statement, covering my mouth, trying not to let loud, unavoidable sobs escape it.

Freddie's arm tightens around me. "We have to get custody of Ava."

My eyes finally meet his, searching them to make sure he isn't joking. For a second, I'm opposed to the idea. "Freddie..." I say uneasily.

"If CPS figures out that Mel's using..." He mutters. "Ava is going into foster care."

I shake my head, biting my lip down. "She can't." My eyes lock with Freddie's and as much as I hate fighting against my sister, I know this is sincere. "And we can't do anything. We're not married, Fredward."

Freddie takes a deep breath. "Not yet." He snickers. When he looks back up his eyes are filled with sympathy. "I'm sorry, baby. It's just...it's just what happens."

My voice burns as I struggle with the words "I'm giving her a week to get sober."

He clears his throat. "A week?"

"Yeah." I mutter, tight lipped, pulling my eyes away from his. "Cause if it doesn't happen in a week...it never will."

Freddie stays silent, giving me a small nod.

"It's one of the most addictive drugs out there." I grumble. "We've already lost her, I think."

He sighs. "It's not too late."

I return his words with a doubtful look and a shake of my head. "I don't think..." I drift off.

Freddie covers my hand with his. "You wanna get out and do something? I can get someone to cover my shift."

I glance around the room I made disheveled myself, then back at Freddie. "Yeah..." I mumble, pulling him closer to me, my hand around his neck. "But I have work later."

"Just for now, then." He says quietly.

We don't have to go anywhere just yet. I let Freddie's embrace fully consume me and I breathe in and out, trying to keep my thoughts to a minimum and just focus on his arms around me. For a second, it doesn't feel so bad.

I want to stay in this position but I remember that Marissa has been sitting in the kitchen with the twins for awhile and I sigh, pulling myself out of his embrace. I exit Melanie and Carly's room and watch as Freddie's mother cradles Owen in one arm and rubs Lucas' tummy with the other. Luke lays on a blanket in front of her and she glances at him with a sweet smile. It almost makes me feel bad for ever thinking she was insane with her protectiveness over children. I wish I would've had someone like her when I was younger. Shit, I wish I had someone like her now.

Freddie puts an arm on my shoulder and I sigh softly, both of us staring at his mom with her grandchildren.

When I remember that my kids have another grandparent who is absent in their life, I wince out of Freddie's embrace. "I'm gonna get the mail." I whisper, making sure not to wake the babies.

Freddie nods and I walk quietly past Marissa and open the front door. I walk out and down the stairs, noticing how much I hate this SoHo apartment. We've been here six months and have already made way too many bad memories for one place. I hate it. I hate the chaos and unorganized mess that my twins endure every day. I know that moving won't improve their life. I'm just immature, feeling the need to get the hell out of this place and move to the opposite side of the city. When there's negative in my life, I feel like running away improves it. Maybe it's what we have to do.

I reach the downstairs of our building, walking into the mail room. As soon as I get in, Melanie's sweatshirt catches my eye.

She stands there, her eyes pressed closed and a needle in one arm, injecting in her vein. The moment seems to be going in slow motion, because as soon as she hears the door slam closed her eyes spring open and she attempts to hide the needle behind her back.

It doesn't matter. I've already seen the worst of it. I shake my head repeatedly, not sure what I'm supposed to do in this situation. "Why do you do this?" I mumble, quietly. I know that she's experiencing the surge of euphoria that comes seconds after injecting heroin. She can't hear a word I'm saying right now, and it's not going to help if I'm yelling at her. I take a shaky breath and do a once over of her baggy sweatshirt and yoga pants, her messed up hair and bare, flushed face. It scares me. This isn't the Mel I'm used to.

My voice comes back soft. "I remember a few months ago when you were crying at mom's hospital bed. And you kept saying 'mommy, why do you do this?'" I clear my throat. "Do you remember that?"

Melanie's breathing is slow. She takes awhile to respond, and when she does it's only a simple "Yeah."

"Well I'm gonna ask you a question then." I mutter. It's hard to talk to her when she's in this state, but I've gotten used to it with my mom. I have to be clear. When I notice my sister drifting off, I mumble "Are you ready?"

Another slow "Yeah" emits from her mouth.

"Do you want Ava crying at the edge of your hospital bed feeling that kind of helpless?"

Melanie shakes her head, gazing in front of her. She doesn't say anything and the only sound filling the room is my quiet breathing. The sound of the door opening brings more noise into the room as one of our neighbors walks in. Mel watches him intently and I sigh. She's completely gone by now, I don't even know how I'm supposed to try and talk to her.

"Melanie." I squeak quietly, hating how my voice sounds. It's too sad, too helpless. I clear my throat and make it more strict. "Think about it."

My legs are shaky as I leave the room, trying to steady my breathing and walk up the stairs at the same time. My thoughts are skewed and I can't stop shaking my head. I'm scared. And I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

Freddie is gonna tell me that it'll work out okay, just like our relationship and my pregnancy did. Just like Owen's condition and the fact that Mrs. Benson no longer looks at me as a delinquent. All of those things worked out fine on my life, but you know what didn't? My mothers addiction. This isn't gonna be a quick and simple road. This might never end. And I don't know if I can handle that.

* * *

><p>"Sam!" My little sister's voice wakes me up and I push the covers off of me, staring out the window above the bed.<p>

It's already dark out. I glance around the room, unsure of what time I fell asleep. Freddie's no longer in here, and he must have let me miss work. I sigh and look at Ava staring back at me. She's holding Owen tight in her arms and his sobs echo throughout the room.

"Where's Freddie?" I whisper.

My sister looks flustered as she rocks Owen back and forth in her arms. One arm points behind her and the other keeps Owen steady. "He won't stop crying!"

"It's okay, Ave." I mumble, lifting my son out of her arms. I examine her and notice her red eyes and flushed face. "Are _you_ okay?"

"Mhm." She says quickly, glancing at the other side of the room. "Sorry for waking you up."

Ava gives me one last look and lifts herself off of the bed, starting for the door. "Come on, Ava." I mutter. "What's up...what's wrong?"

She turns around and sighs at me, glancing at her feet. "Where's Melanie?"

I raise my voice so Ava can hear me over Owen's crying. "I don't know, work?"

"We both know that's not true!" My younger sister says quietly, her eyes filled with worry. "What's wrong with her? Where is she?"

"She's fine, Ave." I mutter, patting the space on the bed next to me as I rock Owen back and forth in my arms. "She's gonna be fine. She's just kind of going through a rough patch right now."

"You think I'm dumb." Ava pouts, crossing her arms over her chest. "You think I'm dumb and that's why you're not telling me what's going on." With a raise of her eyebrows, she finishes "I'm not a baby. I know that dad loves alcohol more than he loves me. I accepted that! So tell me the truth!"

My heart aches for my younger sister and I'm once again surprised by her maturity. I don't know what to tell her, though. She might be strong but Ava is sensitive, she's only twelve for gods sake. She's supposed to feel safe here, and I've already messed that up a little bit, but I can't completely corrupt her with the truth of Melanie's addiction. "I _know_ you're not a baby." I clear my throat. "But I love you too much to tell you now, okay?" I reason.

Ava shakes her head and squeezes her eyes shut. I watch as frustrated tears fall on her cheeks and she turns her back to me, dashing to the bedroom door.

I know that I was exactly like her when I was a kid and it pains me to have to keep this a secret from her.

I think it's for the best, but what the hell do I know about parenting? I glance down at Owen, still sobbing hysterically in my arms. Absolutely nothing.

The clock on my bedside table tells me that I slept through the entire day and a portion of the night. It's 11:40 and the apartment is still lively, but not in a good way. I place my hand on O's head but his crying doesn't slow down.

"It sucks. I get it, kid." I mumble to my son, acting as if he understands a word of what I'm saying. "We've gotta get away from the bad in our lives, huh? What do you say daddy and I try to find another place to live with you and your brother?" I rock him softly, noticing how his crying has hardly slowed down. "I'm not sure if you like that idea, but I do."

His cries still sound through the entire room and I lay my head down, trying to focus on my own steady breathing instead of the loud sobs emitting from my son.

It doesn't work. Freddie opens the door just as I'm about to have a mental breakdown and I greet him by shoving Owen on his chest. He's already holding Lucas, who I grab in exchange of the crying twin.

"He won't shut up!" I groan, frustrated.

Freddie nods softly, putting an arm on me to steady my emotions. "Let's go for a walk." He says quietly. "That'll calm him down."

I don't say anything in response and I can tell that Freddie knows that I'm not upset about Owen's crying. It's just adding fuel to the fire and I'm ready to lash out at anyone, even my four month old.

I hold Lucas close to my chest and I notice how weak my arms come beneath him. Stepping out of the hallway, I see Carly for the first time all day. She raises her eyebrows at my face. "Have you slept? You look terrible."

I shake my head. "Thanks." I pause. "Can you take Luke? Freddie and I are gonna go for a walk with O."

"Okay. Course." Carls mumbles, taking Lucas in her arms. "Hi baby, how are ya?" She mutters as he fusses in return.

"Let's go." Freddie says from the front door. Owen's coat is already on and he seems warm enough pressed against Freddie's chest. His little nose is running and his cheeks are already red.

I take a shaky breath and follow a few feet behind Freddie. Shutting my eyes for a second, I tell myself not to crack. I used to be great at hiding my emotions, but now I've opened myself around Freddie more than I feel comfortable with. And that doesn't really go away.

"C'mon, baby. Shhh..." Freddie bounces Owen up and down in his arms as we make our way down the stairs. The sound of his crying beats through my head and worsens the headache I already have.

This isn't gonna change. No matter where we live or who we live with, Freddie and I are still teenagers with twin babies. The other stuff in our lives is just added baggage, our children are our main priority. And I can't even handle that.

I bite my lip as the door to our building bursts open and I let the cold air come over me. The freezing air enters my lungs as I breath it in and out. It probably wasn't the best idea to take a four month old on a walk on a night this cold, but I need to get out of the apartment. We need to get out of the apartment.

"I suck at this." I say after taking Owen from Freddie's arms. I try every single tactic I was ever told to stop a baby from crying, yet my son's screams only get louder.

Freddie's eyes turn sympathetic. "You sure you're feeling okay?"

"Yes, mom." My tone is sarcastic until I realize that my mom would never ask me something like that. I clear my throat and my voice comes back softer, more raw. "I feel _fine_."

"Yeah?" He asks. "What happened, then?"

"Nothing." I grumble in my typical stubborn state, crossing my arms over my chest. "Nothing that I can't deal with alone."

"I'm just here to help, baby." He says softly. I tear my gaze away from him and to the other side of the street, pretending to be invested in the people walking down the opposite end.

I hate him for being so sweet to me all the time. I glance back at Freddie and the baby who's quieted down a little bit and sigh. I hate this. Everything in my life is weird, not the way I want it to be. I don't know how to change this. I don't want Freddie's constant sympathy. It's exhausting. I inhale a breath of air and state at my feet. "Can you tell me something?"

"Yeah," Freddie responds softly. "What?"

"Why do you put up with me? You're smart and you have an amazing mom...and I have a shitty family and I'm dragging you into it." I groan as if I'm annoyed with him. "Do you like dealing with heroin addictions and custody battles? Is that _fun_ for you?"

Freddie nods softly and stops in his tracks, turning to face me. I study his exhausted face and the tired bags under his eyes. My eyes travel down and I notice that Owen's almost fully asleep in his arms. I'm not sure how he deals with all of this. He's used to a fairly quiet house and all of the sudden he was thrown into the most hectic household in New York. Why would he stick around for that?

"Can I ask you something?" Freddie tests me.

I roll my eyes. "Go ahead."

"Why have you been waiting for me to leave since the minute you found out you were pregnant?" He raises his voice. "You always just assume I'm gonna pack my stuff and leave. You never ask me how I feel!"

"Yeah," I raise my eyebrows. "I do."

"No, you get pissed at me for absolutely no reason because you're insecure, because you know that everyone who's ever meant something to you has left with no warning!" I tear my eyes away from Freddie's and stare at the ground blankly. His voice comes back softer and his hand strokes my arm. "I didn't mean it like..."

"Uh huh." I retort.

Freddie nods softly and bites his lip, moving his hand to touch the nape of my neck. I want to pull him in right now and forget about my insecurities and everything wrong with my life; myself, but it isn't that easy.

He clears his throat and cracks a smile. "This walk isn't going as I've been planning." He mumbles. "But I love you, Sam. I loved you before that stupid party, before you kissed me on Carly's bed, before we had O and Luke. I don't care about your dysfunctional family. _Or_ your dysfunctional self." Freddie pauses to inhale a sharp breath then look back up at me. "I want to marry you. Not because we have kids together or cause it'll look better if we try to get custody of Ava. I," He takes my hand. "I have wanted to marry you since the first time we met, even after you referred to me as '_that_'. I want to be here to help you even when you do nothing but refuse it. I want to see you be tough as hell one day but feel comfortable enough with me to let your real feelings come through. I want to see you cry if you have to, or worst case scenario," He smiles "smash a bottle on the apartment wall." He struggles to get on one knee with Owen in his arms and takes a deep breath, looking back up at me. "So will you marry me?"

**Thank you guys for reading! I hope you enjoyed this chapter, please review and let me know what you think.**


	32. Chapter 32

"Morning, baby."

"Ugh." I groan as I feel Freddie's arm around my neck, pulling me closer and placing his lips on mine. I glance at the clock and huff "Dammit."

"Not so fast." Freddie replies as he moves his hands to the small of my back and gives me a subtle smile. "We don't have to get up for a few minutes, right?"

"Mhm." I mumble as he begins to nibble on my neck. My hands swing around his bak and I trace tiny circles onto his skin, moaning a little when his tongue catches mine.

"Can you help me with Lucas? He's crawling everywhere, I swear to god if he would just stay in one place-" Carly bursts the door of our bedroom open, immediately rolling her eyes at the sight of Freddie and I. "Jesus, are you two ever not," Carly motions her hands to us. "doing this?!"

Freddie ignores our best friend's complaining, giving her a critical raised eyebrow. "_Scooting_."

She stares at him blankly. "Huh?"

"He can't crawl yet. He's scooting."

We both roll our eyes at Fredward's comment and I pull the covers up to my chest as Carly brings Lucas to me.

"Hi buddy." I say quietly, admiring his dark brown features and his tiny smile. I glance at Freddie and notice their similarities, shaking my head. After a second I look back up at my best friend. "Where's O?"

"In my room with Ava." She says cheerfully. "I'd love to feed him, but..." Carly trails off, adding "I have priorities. I'll see you guys later."

"Wait, Carls!" I say shakily, glancing at Freddie. His expression seems to go unmoved as I ponder the idea of telling Carly about our engagement. It only takes a second for me to realize that although she's my best friend, Carly knowing about it is just adding fuel to the fire. She'll be too happy, too excited and too ready to see us walk down the isle of a cathedral on the upper east. God knows we can't afford that and damn, I don't want it.

"What?" She replies, a hand on her hip.

I give her a small smile and suppress a laugh at her naivety. "Can you put the garbage in the chute?"

"Course." She pauses to bite her lip in thought. "I'm gonna go to the store, you guys need anything?"

"Nope." I mutter, glancing down at my son until my best friend disappears from the doorway. With this, I look back up at Freddie as his lips meet mine softly.

"Pick a day." He says with a smirk. "We'll do it whenever you want."

I don't respond to his statement. I already know that he's ready to marry me in any situation, at any time. For gods sake, we could get married today during my lunch break and Freddie would be happy. But I'm still hesitant. I don't know what it's like to be married. Is that any different than what we're doing now?

I raise my eyebrows at my fiancé without telling him what's on my mind. "I'm gonna take a shower."

He nods slowly as I hand Lucas off with a bleak look. I pull myself off the bed and shut the door to our bedroom. I don't head to the bathroom, instead I stand in the middle of the kitchen with my head spinning.

I want to talk to someone about how terrifying the idea of marriage is to me, and Carly and Ava are off limits. I don't need my best friend or younger sister fawning over it and planning the entire thing out like we have endless amounts of money piling up in the apartment. That's not how it's gonna happen. It'll be quick and untraditional, but once the deed is done, what am I supposed to do? I'm not sure I'm ready to be a married woman.

I snarl at the thought. _A married woman_. I'm barely nineteen and I'm about to be married. Tell me that isn't _terrifying_.

My parents were never married, hell, they were barely even together. I'm not used to the idea of healthy relationships. I think the only person who understands exactly why is Melanie, and she's not here right now. Not like I'd want her to be.

I sigh and plop myself in a chair in the kitchen, hoping Freddie doesn't decide to come in. I need some time to think about this. It's not a question on who I marry, of _course_ I love Freddie and want to marry him. I just have an uneasy feeling about it and I'm not sure how to stop it.

It's a Saturday, so I've got a bunch of shifts at work that I'm not ready to deal with. I should probably actually get myself together, but I guess today is just one of those days.

Just as I'm about to make my way to the bathroom, my cell phone rings from the counter. I feel like tossing it out the window after a quick glance at the caller ID.

_Seattle County Jail._

"Goddammit." I groan, deliberately pressing the answer button even though it's the last thing I want to do.

It's not a surprise to hear my mom's voice on the other line. "Hey Sammy!" She answers in a voice a few octaves higher than normal. "When you coming back to Seattle?"

"Never." I huff, my voice full of annoyance, but I'm not at all surprised. "Anyway, I thought you were sober."

"I am now." She answers quickly.

I raise my eyebrows. She's only sober by force. "What did you do?"

It takes her a few seconds to respond. "I'm only allowed a minute and a half phone call, shouldn't get into details."

"Right." I snarl. "So instead you're gonna spend that precious time scalping me of my hard earned money."

My mom doesn't think of a clever response back, only pathetically mumbling "$14,000 bail."

"God, fuck you." I say quietly, mostly to myself, barely a whisper. Then I realize that I can say it as loud as I want, she isn't gonna hurt me. I get a little too cocky with the freedom, repeating the same "Fuck you." in a louder tone with a shake of my head.

I don't let her respond. I wanna use this minute and a half up the way it should be used. "Don't bother calling me again, okay? I don't want to hear from you, and I don't give a fuck what you say." I clear my throat. "Have fun in jail and dammit thanks for all you've done for me over the years. I really," I snarl. "_appreciate_ it."

"I didn't do enough. If I had, my daughter wouldn't be a whore teen mother with no damn life. I wish you hadn't turned out so fucking stupid, but what am I gonna do?"

I glance at the time of the call and hear someone in the background curse at my mom, letting her know the time is up. With one last breath I grumble "Your grandchildren are doing great without you in their lives. Just the way it should be and then way it _should've_ been for me!" I slam the phone down screen first on the counter, letting my arm smack the side of it.

I let out a deep breath in attempt to calm me down, but it's not worth it. I'm fuming with anger and nothing can help me. I shake my head in fury, mumbling expletives in my mother's name. If I can even call her that. I roll my eyes. _Mother_. Yeah, right.

I feel like throwing something. Anxiety and anger don't mix well, and already being anxious about the wedding isn't helping this situation. My hands search the counter for something, anything, I can chuck on the ground in an instant. For some reason I'm not sure of, I choose my phone.

"Dammit!" I yell louder than intended as I chuck the expensive glass phone on the ground, watching as it shatters in little pieces on the tile. I feel satisfaction before the pounding regret.

I tear my eyes off of the floor and notice Freddie standing in front of me, still in his boxers and holding our son. He raises his eyebrows and steps forwards, his feet missing shards of glass by mere centimeters.

"Hey." He mumbles, his hand finding mine to keep me steady. "C'mon, let's sit you down."

I don't say anything, refusing his eye contact as he calls out "Ava!" into the hallway.

My younger sister's head pops out from Carly's door and her eyes widen. Before she can say anything, Freddie calmly says "Sam dropped her phone. You mind grabbing Luke?"

Ava's eyes search me suspiciously, and I know she's young, but she isn't stupid. Or deaf. I'm sure she heard my cursing and the sound of the glass coming in contact with the floor. It was hard to miss. Still, she cleans up her facial expression quickly, nodding along to Freddie's claim and emerging from the doorway. "Sure." She mumbles, taking Lucas out of Fredward's arms and looking directly at him. "Hey, Lukey. What's up?"

As soon as Ava's out of ear shot, Freddie's eyes meet mine. I don't say anything but "I need some fresh air." Turning my back to him, I head for our fire escape, pulling a pack of cigarettes from Melanie's not so secret stash on my way out.

The cold, nearly winter air hits me but I bite it back, scowling as I light a cigarette and place it between my lips. I try not to reflect on my conversation with my mom, but my mind keeps going back to it. Damn, I hate her. I _hate_ her. My mind repeats the same three words. _Hate_ her.

I take another drag from my cigarette as I think about the damn nerve my mother has. Who does she think she is, asking me for money like that? What the hell has she ever done for me? Oh, right. Absolutely nothing.

"Hi." Freddie's voice startles me and I glance back at him, uneasily close to me on our tiny fire escape.

"Hey." I respond as cooly as I can with this anger pent inside me, curling my lips and tearing my gaze from him.

"You wanna talk about it?" Freddie asks softly, wrapping an arm around my waist. For some weird reason, I don't resist it.

I don't explain anything to him, I just start spewing random thoughts in his direction. It'll be a miracle if he keeps up. "_God_, I'm so stupid. I wanted to believe Melanie when she said my mom was sober and doing all this shit, trying to get better. It's so sad, a tiny part of me actually did believe it." I shake my head. "God knows fucking why! She's the same stupid ass addict she's been her entire life. _Nothing_ will change that until it fucking kills her!" I pause again, this time to place my cigarette on my lips with a struggled sigh. "Now she's in jail on a $14,000 bail. Asking me to pay it." Another exasperated sigh. "_Me!_"

Freddie's tightens his arms around my waist. "It's okay, baby." He skims his hand over mine and removes the cigarette, dropping it to the ground and crushing it with his heel. "She put you through more than I can imagine. She'a a piece of shit, and her ass was lucky as hell to get a daughter like you. I mean, anybody would be."

I shake my head, feeling anger build up further inside me. "I hate her, Freddie."

He nods softly, kissing my neck. "You're far away from her, you don't need to think about her anymore, you don't need to talk to her. She doesn't deserve you." I don't say anything in return, I just look down and cover my face with my palm. Freddie raises his eyebrows until my eyes meet his. "I love you, baby. I love you no matter what kind of shitty things your mother does or says to you. She's a coward, Sam. And you're strong. You know that. You can kick anyone's ass."

I nod, giving him a small laugh as I tear my gaze away from him. "I'm sorry." I mumble shamefully.

Freddie's eyes meet mine. "It's okay. I already cleaned up most of the glass, and I'll fix your phone later at work."

"Not about the phone." I mutter, placing both hands on the ledge and letting out a deep sigh. "I'm sorry for being such a shitty girlfriend." I pause. "_Fiancé_. Whatever."

"Hey, baby..." His fingers lift my chin up again and he looks into my eyes long enough to make me want to avoid his stare. "You're not a shitty fiancé. I promise you, you're anything but shitty. I wouldn't want anybody else in the world..."

I cut him off. "Stop being so nice to me! I've been nothing but distant to you for the past few weeks. And I've been so hesitant about marriage that it's a miracle you haven't already found another chick to marry." I grumble, pushing a piece of hair from my face and glancing back up at Freddie. "Don't deny it."

He cracks a small smile. "I'm not gonna." He says quietly, placing his hand on mind. His voice changes to a more serious tone "Just tell me if I'm going to fast for you, or if you're uncomfortable with something. I don't wanna force you to do anything."

"Nuh uh!" I exclaim. "You're _not_ forcing me. I was just scared cause..." I trail off and try to organize my words before they come out of my mouth. "I exactly know why. The concept of love just isn't all...right for me."

I blush admitting that to Freddie, even though I'm sure he was already well aware. He gives me a sly smile. "We can wait as long as you want, it doesn't matter." His lips meet mine for a brief second. "Whenever you're ready."

"Nah." I say quietly, thinking about my family and my mother and how my entire life, I've absolutely despised being a Puckett. Getting married won't change my unfortunate family members, but maybe it'll help me realize that real families do exist. The kind I want Owen and Lucas and Ava to grow up in. The exact opposite of my childhood. "We don't have to wait."

I bite my lip. "Hell," I say quietly, refusing to let Freddie see me smile. "let's do it tonight."

* * *

><p>I glance at the sign of the bargentleman's club that Melanie works at and roll my eyes, walking through the front doors. Since finding out about my mother'a arrest, any sadness that I felt over my sisters drug problem has diminished into pure anger.

I place my hands on the bar and notice Melanie turned around, filling up a glass with beer. It's the middle of Saturday, the only people here are a few gross looking middle aged men sitting on the stools with their eyes half dazed.

Melanie turns around and snickers when she sees me, turning to the redhead next to her. "You can serve this one, Alli."

The girl raises her eyebrows and looks at me, then back at my sister. "I didn't know you had a twin, Mel!" She exclaims.

"Yeah, I like to pretend I don't." She sneers at her friend, then looks back up at me. "What do you want?"

I roll my eyes. This is always how Mel's been. One day she's completely upset, crying and hugging her knees to her chest and the next she's overcome with anger, ready to knock down anything in her way. "So you're mad at me." I groan. "Wouldn't expect anything less of you." Just as she's about to turn around again, I flatly ask "Did mom call you?"

Melanie's hesitant to reply for a minute, her eyes shifting to the ground as she bites her lip. "Yeah."

"I swear to god..." I lean over the counter to get closer to her. "If you put $14,000 into that bank account..."

"Calm down, Sam." She snickers. "I don't have $14,000 to throw around."

"Maybe you would if you weren't too busy blowing it all on heroin." I watch Alli widen her eyes at this comment, raising her eyebrows at me.

Mel looks offended, immediately opening her mouth in defense. "Fuck you!" She shakes her head. "Like you're one to talk, 16 and Pregnant!"

I take awhile to respond, drawing in a deep breath in attempt to control my anger. I didn't come here just to fight with her. I mumble a very sarcastic "Touché." With a deep breath, I finish my statement. "As much as I'd love to rip you apart, I didn't come here to fight. I came here to let you know how it's gonna go if you don't fix this shit up."

Melanie crosses her arms over her chest, stepping outside the bar as Alli takes over. Her eyes search mine and she mutters "How?"

I don't want to tell her this, but I know I have to. Knowing that my mom is in prison increased the sincerity of this situation in my mind. Our family is under close eye from CPS. The second they find out Melanie's using, Ava's going into foster care. No questions. I've got a court record, there's no way they'd just hand her off to me. Especially if I'm living with Mel. I've gotta fight for this before the worst happens. "Okay, well first off, if you're not completely sober by this time next week, I'm taking you to court to get custody of Ava."

Melanie doesn't raise her eyes to meet mine yet, her bottom lip just trembles and she shakes her head, staring at the ground. "I'm fucking everything up." She says softly. I feel bad for a second. I know Mel isn't the most sane person on earth, I shouldn't of treated her like that. Before I can apologize, she sniffles "I don't wanna go to jail like mom. I don't wanna be like her." Her voice is raw. "It scares me shitless! I'm not like you, Sam. I'm not strong like you!"

I take a deep breath as I bite my lip and nod softly. "You got through a lot of shit when we were kids, right?"

Mel shrugs. "Wouldn't have without you."

I give her a pointed look. "You don't give yourself enough credit."

She shakes her head and walks out the doors of the bar, biting her lip softly. "Every time I look at Ava, I just think of how I was when we were her age. I left you just because I couldn't handle living at home anymore. You were stuck there and I let you. How am I supposed to be a good mentor to Ava when I've been fucking things up since I was her age?"

"I don't know, Mel!" I exclaim, annoyance laced in my voice. "You have to try!"

"Of course I try!" She squeaks.

"Yeah, that explains why you spend half your time drinking and shooting up." I say sardonically. Mel doesn't say anything in response, she just stares at her feet in a daze. I widen my eyes and lock them with hers. "Sort out your problems before the damn legal system has to."

* * *

><p>I walk into the apartment greeting Ava as she rocks Owen back and forth in her arms. Mrs. Benson is sitting in the kitchen, feeding Lucas peas in his high chair.<p>

I exhale and bite my lip, taking my son out of my younger sister's arms. "Hi O, baby." I mumble. "How ya doin? Ave taking good care of you?" I ask him quietly, watching as his face lights up in response.

I make my way to the kitchen and rummage through the fridge as Ava follows behind me, plopping herself down at the table.

"How's everything, honey?" Marissa asks, making eye contact with me as she shoves green mush down my sons throat.

I steadily stare at her, trying not to feel uncomfortable with her calling me honey. This woman is going to be my mother in law in a short amount of time, this will be a normal occurrence soon.

"Fine." I mumble, looking up at Ava. "What'd you do today?"

"Nothing." She says softly, crossing her arms over her chest nonchalantly. "I played some new pieces that I found online."

I sigh. With everyone in and out of the apartment all weekend, it's easy to forget that Ava has needs too. Mostly everybody is concerned with keeping the twins fed and happy, forgetting that Ave needs attention. I nod softly, mad that I'm once again putting my younger sister under the bus.

I feel like it's fair to let her in on something going on in this house, so I quietly ask "Can I tell you a secret?"

Her eyes light up. "Yeah!"

"Okay," I mumble, inching myself closer to her with Owen still in my arms. "You're the only one who knows this, so shh..." I say quietly, leaning into her ear and whispering "Freddie and I are getting married."

Marissa seems to be focused on feeding Luke, and her eyes don't even drift up when Ava clamps a hand over her mouth, and exclaims "Really?!"

I nod and hold back a smile. I like seeing Ave happy, especially since she's spent the day with minimal human interaction. She keeps to herself a lot of the time even though she's outgoing. This whole place kind of drowns her out, and that's not fair.

"So I was wondering," I say aloud, glancing at Mrs. Benson, who's interest still lies in getting Lucas's food down. "If you wanna come."

"To be like..." Ava lowers her voice. "A witness?"

I nod and she grins, tossing her arms around my neck. "Oh my god!" She exclaims, a small giggle escaping from her mouth. "Of course!"

I smile back at her. "Good, because it's happening soon..." I say quietly, my eyes moving to the noise of the doorknob rustling. Freddie emerges from the door wearing his Pear Store uniform, a fluorescent orange shirt and white lanyard around his neck. "Right baby?"

Ava giggles excitedly and I hand Owen off to her.

I wrap my arm around Freddie's waist and move him close, feeling an overwhelming urge to pull him away from the action in the kitchen and into the bedroom.

His hands run through my hair and his eyes lock with mine. "Hey, my beautiful fiancé."

Even though the greeting is way too cliche and cheesy, I don't make fun of him. My lips just meet his and I mumble "Hi, soon to be husband."

It's a lot easier to ignore all the problems in my life and focus on the positive. And right now, Freddie is the positive.

With a hand on his neck, I finish with "Let's do this thing."

**Please review! I appreciate them so much. Thanks for reading and let me know what you thought!**


	33. Chapter 33

"Sam!" Carly exclaims, her hands going straight to her mouth, covering her grin with bright red nails. "Oh my god, I'm just so happy that you're getting married!"

Her excitement makes me smile and I attempt to hide it by biting my lip, raising my eyebrows cooly at her. "I-"

Before I can even start, Carly's voice returns, an octave higher than normal. "I know you don't want it to be a big thing," She says with a simple nod that lets me know that as long as she's aware of our wedding, it'll be extravagant. I brace myself as she continues. "I get that! But you're a bride, Sam! You need a dress!"

I told Carly about our wedding plans this morning, and she's still extremely excited about the situation, planning the entire thing out as if it's her own.

"Carls," I start, trying to hide my smile from her and failing once again.

I hate the fact that I'm actually excited about the possibility of getting a dress. A wedding dress. It seems bizarre, that I of all people would get excitement out of wearing a wedding dress. The idea of marriage made me crinkle my nose in disgust even mere months ago. Weird how I've changed.

I bite my lip and with a shake of my head my voice comes out in a very unconvincing tone. "I don't need a wedding dress."

Carly grins, pulling my arm into her room and grabbing her laptop off of the bed. She types something into the search bar and nods slowly, her gaze meeting mine. "I think you'd be more of a mermaid girl, huh? I'd say you'd look best in a ball gown but I doubt you'd go for that." She rambles, barely stopping to get a response out of me.

Still, I let myself grin as I hang over her shoulder to look at the screen. "Mermaid." I nod, raising my eyebrows at how this wedding has brought out the little girl in me that I try so desperately to hide. Weirdly, I don't care. I'm getting married to a guy who's done more for me than I can ever imagine. I'm supposed to be excited. And it feels damn good.

Maybe it's the Christmas cheer, or my wedding, or a combination of both, but I've been sort of...happy the past few days. I think I may be getting better at droning out the negative. My mom's prison sentence and Melanie's drug problems are stored away in a drawer in my mind called 'Deal with it later'. I'm not exactly looking forever to later, but right now I'm enjoying life as it comes.

I've definitely been lenient with my usual rules. I swore I wouldn't tell Carly about getting married because of the fuss she'd make over it, but I couldn't hide it from her forever. Freaking out with my best friend is part of the fun anyway.

I'm not exactly sure of the date Freddie and I will get married, but I want it to be a few days after Christmas. I never really liked this time of year when I was a kid. In my house, it wasn't Christmas. My mom was usually gone and once Mel was in boarding school she was too, which left me alone, forced to barge in on Carly's plans every damn year. I wanna make a new definition of that in my head. I don't want Christmas to just be another lonely month, I want to make a big deal out of it. For Ava and Owen and Lucas.

"You like this one?" Carly asks. I direct my gaze back on the screen and give her a distant nod.

"It's nice." I respond, staring at the innocent white dress with lace sleeves and a tight hold on the models body, flaring out to a mermaid skirt.

"We'll go to a store," She starts. "find some nice ones there. This is just an example, you know."

I smile softly. "Yeah, Carls. I know." I mumble, pulling myself off of the bed as I hear the front door click open. "I think Freddie's home with the babies, I better help him get them ready for bed."

Carly nods, glancing back at her screen before getting off the bed as well. "I'll help. It's been awhile since Luke and O have seen their Aunty Carly." She says cheerfully as we walk into the hallway.

I laugh, knowing for her, awhile means four hours. Carly would make a good mom someday, but until then I'm fine with her just spoiling my kids rotten.

"Hi." I greet Freddie, not stopping to kiss him before I lift Lucas out of the stroller, smiling at his red cheeks and runny nose. He makes a few happy noises to me before snuggling up in my arms.

Carly takes Owen, who smiles at her as she lifts him from the stroller, his tiny hand wrapping around her finger. I take note of how much smaller Owen is compared to Lucas. I knew he'd be smaller ever since I found out about his condition, but I expected him to catch up sometime. It kind of worries me, and I let out a small sigh as Freddie's lips meet mine.

"Hey, baby." He says quietly, his hands going around my waist.

"How were the boys?" I ask.

He shrugs. "Great, as usual. Owen hardly cried."

I smile at this, knowing that when O is feeling discomfort due to his condition, he cries way more than the average baby. That's something else that worries me about him, even though every doctor we talk to repeats that's it's fine, it's just his way of telling us to up his meds. We can't do that forever though, another damn scary factor.

"You wanna get to bed, little man?" Carly asks Owen, who gurgles happily in response. "Okay, let's get your in your jammies and-"

She stops mid sentence when she notices both Freddie and I glaring at her, and she realizes this time is sacred to our family. We finally get to see each other and the babies, and even though Carly's my best friend, I could do without her for this time of the night.

She senses this, handing Owen to Freddie with wide eyes. "On second thought, I better go shopping, I still have to get Spencer a gift." She smiles innocently, calling my sister from the other side of the apartment.

"Yeah?" Ava's head peaks out of my bedroom door.

"You wanna go shopping in midtown? We can see the tree in Rockefeller Center!"

Ave raises her eyebrows, shrugging softly as she opens the door fully and walks out into the hallway. "Sure."

Carly places a white knit hat over her hair and a scarf around her neck as Ava bundles up in a black coat.

My best friend smiles at Freddie and I. "We'll be home in a few, k?"

"Okayyy." Freddie replies in singsong voice, clearly thrilled about having the apartment mostly to ourselves. This is a rare occasion and I am damn excited. I haven't seen Freddie since this morning. We were both busy with work, then Christmas shopping, then more work. It'll be nice to finally get to spend some time with him.

Carly gives us one last smile as she escorts my younger sister out the door, shutting it fully. Freddie takes a second until he turns to me, a small grin on his face.

"What's on the agenda for tonight, baby?" He asks, his voice soft.

"Hmm," I mumble, glancing down at Lucas's dark eyes, unable to hide my smile. I'm distracted easily by his face, noting that we really did get lucky. Our kids are gorgeous.

I direct my attention back to my fiancé, biting my lip with a shrug. "We can take the twins to bed and then," I smile slyly. "you can take me to bed."

Freddie grins at my suggestion, nodding as he inches closer to me, letting his lips meet mine. I want to deepen the kiss but with both of us holding a baby, it's nearly impossible.

I just shrug, walking to our bedroom and placing Lucas on the bed. I crouch down on the floor so I can view his little face perfectly, grinning at his beautiful features.

"Damn," I mumble, smiling back at Luke's toothless smile. "Why do our sons have to look just like you?" I groan. "I'm gonna have to have a leash on them till their twenty." I pause. "Unless, of course, they have your personality."

"Hilarious." Freddie retorts, but still has an identical smile on his face. He places Owen next to Luke and we watch in amusement as they begin to interact like they often do. Owen pokes Luke's back at they smile at each other as if they know something nobody else does.

"I wonder if Mel and I were like this." I say aloud, my full focus on my sons. "It's like they have some sort of connection, like they have twin telepathy or something."

"Do you have telepathy with Melanie?" Freddie asks, half joking.

I snort. "I wish, then maybe I'd know what goes on in her fuck-" I pause, clearing my throat as I remember I'my trying not curse in front of the kids. As much. "_messed_ up head."

I don't let Freddie respond, I just mumble "Not like I'm one to talk."

He studies my face for a minute, pulling me into a short kiss that leaves me aching for more. "I love you." He mutters, his face just inches away from mine. "So much. I can't wait to marry you."

I've been able to get over my initial fear of marriage and now feel nothing but excitement when it come to being married to Fredward. There's nothing to be nervous about. We've been faced with, and _conquered_, every damn problem in the book. Unreliable family members, health faults, teenage pregnancy. We've never broken, and at this rate, we never will.

"I love you so much, baby." I respond, making a face when I realize how sappy that sentence sounds.

A moment of silence, other than the traffic outside and Owen and Lucas's fussing, passes by. It feels relieving. Normally, the apartment is filled with noise from my sisters and Carly, and it's small enough to hear every single word of every conversation going on. It's nice not having that, to just be completely alone with Freddie and the twins in our home.

Maybe I'd like that, just living with him and the twins. And Ava, of course, once the custody battle plays out. If it plays out. I'm trying not to think about that too much.

"You know," Freddie starts, running a hand through my hair. "We only signed a six month lease."

I turn to face him, impressed with how he seems to be reading my mind, how he knew exactly what I was thinking.

"I know." I mutter. "So?"

"This place is crowded all the time. Luke is already scooting, only a few months till O catches up with him and then they both start crawling."

I let out a breath of air. "This apartment isn't baby proofed."

Freddie doesn't hesitate to say "Maybe the time is right. We can get our own place. Our actual own place."

I shake my head. "I want to so bad. But we've gotta worry about Carly...and Ava."

"By this time next month, Carly's going to be a full time college student. She's most likely gonna find a dorm, you know."

"Still," I mumble, resting my hand over Freddie's before climbing in bed next to the twins. "Ava."

"Yeah." He says quietly, getting up off of the floor to rummage through a drawer, grabbing two tiny pairs of pajamas.

We talk about moving out sometimes, but it's only a factor of our imaginations. There's no way we could do it right now, especially not moving where I want. The upper west side is too far away from SoHo and I'd hardly be able to see Carls when she was at school, let alone have time to rehearse and work on the show.

Moving sounds so appealing right now, even though I know it's impossible. I want my twins to have their own room and Freddie and I to have space. Our apartment now isn't small, but it's not huge either. Dealing with this many people in a two bedroom apartment has become tight, especially with Owen and Lucas growing rapidly each day.

Even though Melanie refuses to pay rent and barely even comes home, I can't leave her completely on the streets. She's my sister, I've gotta protect her at least a little bit. Especially when I know she isn't going to do it herself.

The biggest conflict is Ava, though. Tomorrow will be seven days since I've last talked to Melanie, since I told her that if she doesn't quit that shit cold turkey Freddie and I are threatening custody. I told her I'd give her a week, and it's almost been a week. I can't be a pussy about this, I've gotta get it done no matter how much I want to avoid it.

"How am I supposed to get ahold of Mel?" I grind my teeth, mostly talking to myself, but not surprised when Freddie responds.

"You know where she's been staying?" He raises his eyebrows, his hand overlapping mine.

"Nope." I answer bluntly.

He just nods solemnly, biting his lip and lifting Owen off the bed, beginning to change him into his pajamas.

Melanie has been acting more and more like my mom, bringing me back to all the shitty things she did to us when we were kids. She used to disappear for days or weeks on end without telling us where she was going. She'd go on shady international vacations with her drug dealer boyfriends or stay at a heroin filled apartment two blocks away from our house, it didn't matter. She wasn't where she was supposed to be, at home, taking care of her kids.

I take a deep breath, grabbing Luke and coddling him in my arms. He lets out several happy sighs and I smile. "I love you, probably more than you'll ever know, little man." I whisper, softly kissing his forehead.

Luke looks up at me with big eyes and I smile, studying his little features. Sometimes, when either of the twins smile just a little bit I can see the hint of a dimple, another feature prominent on Freddie. I knew the boys looked like him the first time I laid eyes on them, but it gets more obvious with each passing day.

I glance at Freddie, holding Owen up, clad in Christmas pajamas. A grin passes over his face as he places our son in his crib.

I hold Lucas's matching pajamas, beginning to change his clothes as I enjoy the silence filling the room. This is so, so rare, and it actually makes me feel normal. For once I'm not screaming about my moms incarceration or fighting about Melanie's drug problem. Moments like these remind me that this is my family now, and that's just the way it should be.

Once I finish changing Luke I put him in his crib as well, surprised at how fast he falls asleep. Owen is already passed out, they've had a tiring day. Just like their mom and dad.

"Baby?" I mumble, collapsing on the bed and pulling Freddie with me, my hands going around his neck as I pull him into a soft kiss.

"Hmm?" He asks in a raspy, tired voice.

"I don't know if I've ever been this...content." I state, suppressing a yawn as I glance at the clock. It's 10:24 on a Friday night and I barely have enough energy to kiss my fiancé. God, I'm turning into an old woman.

Freddie's eyes peer open and he raises his eyebrows. "Just content?"

I shake my head. "Pretty happy." I pause. "I mean, I'm trying to push all the negative family shit in the back of my mind."

"Is it working?"

With a shrug, I mumble "Kind of."

Freddie's brow furrows and his eyes lock with mine, a questioning look on his face. "So, what can I do to help it work completely?"

"I don't know." I answer honestly. "I'm angry all the damn time about my mom, my sister...I don't know." I repeat, shaking my head. "Talking about it doesn't help. So let's not talk...at all. Not right now."

"Sam..." Freddie mumbles hesitantly, but I shake my head again, moving in closer and holding my body right next to his.

"Baby, can you fuck me?" I ask as innocently as I can.

"Sex doesn't fix everything." He says bluntly.

I raise my eyebrows, a bit offended, but I try to hide it. "What, you think I'm gross?"

"Sam," Freddie rolls his eyes, knowing I'm just toying with his head to piss him off for his last comment. "shut up."

"You shut up," I say quietly, trying to again direct the attention away from my problems as I say "and fuck me!"

He doesn't look the least bit amused, but still accepts my deep kiss, my tongue running over his bottom teeth as I begin to pull myself on too of him. I don't want to think right now, especially when I've been able to ignore my family problems for most of the day. I wanna go for a record, an entire day without worrying about what the hell my fucked up mother or sister is doing. This should help me forget.

I grind into his crotch, slowly and seductively for a few minutes as we continue to make out. I grin into the kiss as I feel him get increasingly harder and I move my hands to his belt buckle, attempting to pop it open as we keep kissing.

Freddie pauses for a second, looking at me with narrow eyes. "Sam, come on, you can talk to me. That's part of a healthy relationship, you know, communicating with your partner!"

"And having sex isn't?" I pout, trying to avoid the actual issue at hand.

Freddie sighs, his hands going on either side of me as he towers over me, our faces only inches apart. "I love having sex with you." He starts, pushing a stray piece of hair off my face. "But I love talking to you, too. I wanna know what's going on in that pretty little head of yours."

I bite my lip, rolling to the other side so I'm no longer facing him and shutting my eyes tight. "Memories." I mumble, my voice barely above a whisper. "Stupid goddamn memories."

"Of?"

"What do you think, Fredward?" I sneer, shutting my eyes tighter when I realize that he's only trying to help. "Sorry." I sigh. "My childhood."

"You think maybe it'll help if you tell me? You don't have to, baby. I just know that it's easier to let things out than keep them bottled up."

Freddie's voice is so soft, so calming and I can feel how much he wants to help me with every fiber inside of me, but I just can't do it. I can't talk to him. Not just him, I can't talk to anyone. I'm such an angry person because of the amount of anxiety I keep inside, letting it all in until it boils over the surface. I just can't let it out. Maybe one day I'll be able to, but now the scars are still fairly fresh. It's too much for me.

I hear the front door click open and even though my muscles ache because of how exhausted I am, I eagerly pull myself out of bed. "I should probably say hey to Carly and my sister." I say, placing a small kiss on Freddie's forehead.

By the look he gives me, I can tell he knows it's a bullshit excuse to get out of this suffocating conversation, and he sighs softly, nodding as I exit the room.

I catch sight of myself on the mirror on the bedroom door and fluff my hair, cringing when it only looks worse after that. I shrug, walking into the hallway.

I immediately raise my eyebrows at the figure in the kitchen, her blond hair illuminated by the refrigerator light as she rummages through it. My mouth goes to a straight line. "Melanie." I say, making her jump and turn around, her hand going to her chest.

"You scared me!" She says loudly, and I roll my eyes. Leave it to my sister to come home from nearly a week with no contact and forget that we have two babies sleeping in this apartment, talking as loudly as she damn pleases.

"Are you drunk?" I ask, surveying her eyes, then her body language. "High?"

"No." My twin mumbles, glancing at her feet in shame. "Neither."

"Where the fuck have you been the past week? You've got a fucking child to take care of, Melanie. What if Sophia showed up sometime in the past seven days, how do I explain to her that Ava's legal guardian hasn't come home in god knows how long?" I ramble, my voice strict but still laced with annoyance.

"I'm sorry." Mel fidgets with a nail, before announcing "I've been clean this whole time."

My eyebrows raise and I'm suspicious if she's telling the truth or not. "How do I know if that's true?"

She bites her lip and rummages through her bag for a few moments, finally producing a red button in her hand. I grab it without permission, studying it under the light. The top reads "NA". Underneath, it says "1 week clean".

I nod at the button for a few seconds, trying to actually resonate this information. My sister...listened to me and did what I told her she had to do. This has to be some sort of Christmas Miracle.

Through my confusion the only word I can produce is "NA?"

Melanie's eyes meet mine for the first time since she walked in the door and she mutters "Narcotics Anonymous."

I shake my head. "I-I know what it means, Mel." I mumble. "It just caught me by surprise, that's all."

She looks like she's about to cry, her face crumbling in a mix between pride and sadness, and just overall overwhelming feelings. I sigh quietly, not feeling the relief I wish I felt. This doesn't mean anything, not yet. She tried, yeah, but she could shoot up right now at the kitchen counter and it would all be down the drain. I can tell this has exhausted her, and I don't want her to crack. I want her to keep going.

With a sigh, I throw my arm around my sister, hearing a sob emit from her mouth a few seconds later, her face buried into my shoulder.

I wish this was the end of this road, but I know enough from experience that damn, this is only the beginning.

**Hope you guys enjoyed the chapter. I tried to put more seddie in here since I know I've been lacking Sam and Freddie notes. Please reviews and let me know what you thought! Thanks for reading!**


	34. Chapter 34

"I wanna go see her."

I look up from changing Lucas to see my twin sister standing in the doorway of my room, her arms crossed over her chest.

"Huh?" I ask blankly, raising my eyebrows.

"Not saying you have to come, but I'm going back to Seattle." When my eyes only scan over Melanie in response, she mutters "Flights are cheaper after Christmas."

"What?" I ask. "Why would you want to do that? You've been doing better, you wanna fuck-" I look down at my son, silently cursing myself for once again swearing in front of him. "..._mess_ that all up?"

"Sam," My sister warns. "I'm not gonna fuck anything up."

I only narrow my eyes at her and she mumbles "We've got nothing to worry about anyway. Mom is gonna be in prison for a long time."

I raise my eyebrows. "How do you know?"

Mel shrugs. "Called Seattle County Jail, they said she's moved to Washington Woman's Penitentiary."

"They told you that?" I gape, knowing from a few weeks of juvy at age fourteen how secretive guards can be.

"What can I say? I'm manipulative." She smirks.

"Definitely something to be proud of." I click my tongue. "Go see mom in Seattle, I don't care. I'm not coming with you. And I'm not," I narrow my eyes. "paying for your plane ticket."

"You think I can't pay for my own plane ticket?" Melanie lets out a frustrated sigh.

I snicker. "Where's the two thousand some dollars you owe me for rent the past what, three months?"

"Give me a little time." She huffs.

"Tell that to our sons when we can't afford to buy them their necessities." Okay, maybe that isn't true. Freddie and I aren't broke, but it certainly doesn't help having to take out money for my sister's share of rent every month.

"Bullshit," Melanie dismisses the thought with a shake of her head. "I just wanted to make you aware of this, on the 1% chance that you'd come. But I guess I'll just be in this alone. Thanks, Sam."

"Oh, fuck off." I roll my eyes, forgetting about my will to stop cursing in front of my sons. Dammit. "Give me one good reason why you would want to see that woman."

"I don't know, she's my mother?" Mel throws her hands up. "I have questions, and sometimes I need a damn mother in my life!"

"Funny, cause she never seemed to need you in her life." I bite my tongue. "She sent you off to boarding school at age twelve and hasn't given a fuck about you since." I sneer in anger.

The sincerity of my words sinks in as I watch my sister promptly turn around, her feet stomping down the hallway.

God, I fucked up. My sister's been on the edge of a relapse since she quit that shit cold turkey. I could've just triggered it, and worse, broken Melanie's already mended heart.

I sigh and look back down at Lucas, his big brown eyes looking curiously up at me. He doesn't seem to be fazed by our situation, and I kiss his forehead with a small smile. "One second, buddy." I mumble to him, buttoning his onesie and placing him in my arms.

"Mel," I call, my eyes glancing down the hallway. "I meant that in the nicest way possible!"

"Yeah, you're a _sweetheart_." She sneers, grabbing her coat off of the counter and pulling it over her shoulders.

"Where are you going? Mel!" I exclaim, throwing one arm up in annoyance on my own part. Why the hell did I say something so stupid?

"Anywhere I don't have to see you." Mel shakes her head, her arms crossing over her chest as she stops dead in her tracks.

"Jesus." I huff before I hear my sister sniffle softly, a hand clamped over her mouth to try to mute the sound of her crying.

"Okay..." I mutter. I feel shitty. I of all people should've known not to just senselessly scream at her, but to ask why. Why she wants to see our mom. I mean, I thought a thousand times about going to see her during my pregnancy, and the last thing I would wanna do is be doubted by someone for wanting that. Mel's going through a confusing time right now, and even though she's a sometimes selfish pain in the ass, I need to understand that.

I bite my lip and Melanie's eyes burn through me in annoyance. I don't have a chance to apologize as the front door swings open and Freddie walks through, rolling Owen in his stroller.

"Hey, baby!" He exclaims, a grin passing over his face as he notices Luke in my arms. "Hey, buddy." He pauses. "You're never gonna believe what happened at-" He stops talking mid sentence when he glances at Melanie, noticing her stiff body language and annoyed expression. "Am I interrupting something?"

"No," My sister rolls her eyes. "I was just leaving."

My gaze follows her out the door and I blink when she slams it shut. Freddie just looks at me.

"_What_?" I groan.

His eyes graze over the door Melanie just slammed shut. "Is everything okay?"

"Everything's fine, baby." I mumble, running my hand over his arm and smiling at Owen.

Freddie raises his eyebrows. "You're fighting with her?" He asks. "On Christmas Eve?"

"Yeah." I mutter with a grimace. "Shitty, huh?"

He takes Owen out of his stroller and adjusts him in his arms as he nods softly, unable to hide a grin from peaking out under his lips.

I roll my eyes. "What's up with you?"

Freddie smiles, one hand gripping mine when the other stays firmly holding our son. "I went into work for a little today to get my paycheck."

I cut him off. "Yeah, I know. So?"

"So...I was approached by an official..." He pauses in an attempt to add emphasis. "of _Microsoft!"_

"At the Pear Store?" I ask, widening my eyes. "Why would a Microsoft official be at the Pear Store?"

He shakes his head. "Microsoft tried to get rid of the store's best employees by offering us a bigger salary with them instead. Now," Freddie rests his free hand on mine. "Listen."

"Sorry," I mumble sheepishly, eager to hear the rest of his story. "Go on."

"Okay, well anyway, this guy recognized me from the show, and was really surprised that even with no bachelors degree, I wasn't working somewhere better by now. So...he offered me an interview!"

"Baby!" I exclaim, unable to stop a grin from passing over his face as he pulls me into a tight hug. "Oh my god!"

"I know!" He says quickly. "If I get it...this is a real job, Sam! It's a career!"

I clamp a hand over my mouth as I pull out of the hug, overcome with excitement for Freddie. If he would get this job, we could finally get a bigger place with less people in it. Owen and Lucas could have more room to play, just like babies should. Ava could finally have her own room where she'd play violin. We'd be able to send the twins to a good school once the time came, and never even have to worry about Freddie's college debt. This is huge!

I can't get too ahead of myself. It's only an interview, but Freddie's smart. The kid got into M.I.T. He's charismatic and half famous as a tech producer on iCarly. Why wouldn't they accept him?

"What's the position?" I ask, raising my eyebrows as I clamp a hand over his.

"Software engineering." He says excitedly.

"Jesus!" I huff. "That's amazing! Where's Carly?" I pause, exclaiming "Carly! Come out here."

"Huh?" She sticks her head out of the door. I motion for her to come here and she sighs. "I'm wrapping presents, can it wait?"

"Not really!" I say loudly. "Come here!"

"Huh?" She mumbles, walking out of the room and observing Freddie, the twins and I standing in the front of the apartment.

"Freddie has a job interview with Microsoft, Carls!" I exclaim. "What's the date, baby?"

He grins. "January 8th."

"Oh my god!" Carly says quickly. Her reaction is identical to mine and she puts a hand over her mouth, turning to Freddie. "Congratulations! That's great!"

"Thanks, Carls." He says smugly, his arm wrapping around mine.

Freddie's voice softens and he talks to me before Carly can ask any more questions. "I want this so bad, Sam. For us." He nudges my arm and his gaze directs to Owen and Lucas. "For _them_."

"Me too, baby." I whisper in response. "We'll be married before the interview and then you'll get the job and this will all be more...normal, I guess."

"Yeah," He raises his eyebrows as he lifts a grinning Owen up to his face and gives him a kiss on the cheek. "normal."

* * *

><p>Ava stands at the counter, her eyes flickering over the Chinese restaurant menu as she runs a hand through her short brown hair. "I think I want the fried shrimp." She decides, handing the menu to me.<p>

"Perfect, Ave." I say with a smile, taking a glance at the crumpled piece of paper she handed me.

Freddie's in our room getting the twins ready for bed and Carly's in her room, on the phone with Spencer. None of us really felt like cooking tonight, we'll have a home cooked meal tomorrow instead, for Christmas dinner. Carly is homesick for Seattle and has been talking to Spencer all day on and off. I kind of feel bad that she's a plane ride away from her brother, and he's spending Christmas alone. If things weren't the way they were, I might have gone back home with her.

"You have any Christmas traditions with Dad?" I ask Ava, looking up from my menu.

My little sister sighs. "Not really. You know, we didn't really do much on Christmas since my mom..." She trails off. "When I was really little, we used to make cookies."

"Yeah?" I mumble, giving her a small smile. "We can go out and get ingredients later tonight, if you want."

Ava just shakes her head softly, her eyes tracing the door as she changes the subject quickly. "Do you wanna call the order in?"

"Mhm." I mumble, glancing at my phone and scrolling through my notifications.

My eyes widen at a text from Melanie, reading "Can you meet me downstairs? I need to talk to you."

I inhale sharply. "You know what, Ave? I'm just gonna go pick it up now, it'll be quicker. Tell Freddie and Carly that I'll be back any minute, kay?"

"Uh, okay." She mutters. "Bye."

My hands are shaky as I swing the door open and walk downstairs. I'm too energetic to take the elevator right now, I can't really stand still. I'm scared for Mel, mostly scared that she relapsed. She's been gone all day, since our brawl this morning. What else could she have been doing? Ugh, I should've stopped her from walking out of the apartment when she was obviously mad. She's not mentally stable enough to stay sober with anger so deep inside of her all day. I'm not just doubting my sister, I know from seeing my mom deal with the same shit all those years. It isn't easy.

I take a deep breath and cross my arms over my chest as I glance to the left of the front door, where my sister stands, a cigarette in hand. The cold air hits me and I run a hand through my messy hair, watching Melanie narrow her eyes at me.

"What?" I snarl, in a voice probably more annoyed than it should be, rolling my eyes as she takes a long drag from her cigarette

"Sam," Melanie groans when I get extremely close to her, trying to survey her face for any signs of using. Her voice comes back harsh. "I'm not high! God, do you think I'm some kind of pussy who breaks down any chance I get?"

"I think you're an addict, Melanie!" I say loudly. I shake my head as soon as the words leave my mouth.

It's Christmas Eve and all things considered, today wasn't a bad day. Freddie has an interview with Microsoft in only a few weeks, and the prospect of that could change the way out family lives. I can't be like this to Mel, not today anyway.

I look back up at my sister "I'm sorry..." With a sigh, I finish. "What's up?"

She responds hesitantly. "I feel like I've hid a whole part of my life from you, since I...since I went to boarding school."

I lean against the wall and glance at the other people walking by, trying not to look at this conversation as something negative. I just ask "Yeah?"

"This whole thing," Melanie motions around her. "isn't really new."

"Okay..." I say softly, waiting for her to finish.

"I was always..._under the influence _at school. No one suspected it cause my grades were still good." She lets out a bitter laugh. "Thank God for adderall."

"Mel..." I respond nervously.

She keeps talking. "You know, I was either drunk or high...on whatever I could get. I was just scared of being sober...I don't know. If mom couldn't do it, neither could I. I don't think I was addicted then, not to anything in particular." My sister purses her lips. "Then when I finally got high, like actually..." Melanie sighs. "I don't know what I'm doing, Sam."

I take a sharp breath in."These meeting aren't gonna help for long, are they?"

My sister shakes her head. "It's in our blood."

"No, it isn't, Melanie." I bite my lip. "If you wanna go to Seattle, I'll go to Seattle. It might be good for you."

"Really?" She asks with eager eyes.

I nod softly. "Yeah. It's been months since I've seen Mom and she's got some questions to answer."

"I miss her!" My sister exclaims sadly, running a hand through her hair. "After every goddamn thing she exposed me to, I still love her all the same."

"Yeah," I say softly. "Weird how that works, huh?"

"Really fucking weird." Melanie glances down at her cigarette before offering it to me.

I start shaking my head before shrugging, muttering "Oh, what the hell?" as I take a long drag.

A few seconds pass by until Mel finally mumbles "I'm sorry." Her voice is soft and innocent. "I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. You'd think that seeing the way Mom was when we were little would turn me off of this shit forever. But no." She lets out a bitter laugh. "I decide to get a job at a bar, hang out with some druggie assholes and shoot up heroin any chance I get."

I don't respond at first and Mel hesitantly finishes. "And as soon as I decide that I want..._need_ to stop, so I can keep you and Ava and the twins in my life? It's too late."

"It isn't too late." I shake my head.

"Getting high is all I think about!" My sister exclaims, tearing her gaze from me. "I'm gonna break down..._soon_! I'm not strong, you know that!"

"Stop saying that!" I yell, shaking my head softly. "You're damn strong."

Her only response is a huff of air and I drop the cigarette from my hand onto the floor, crushing it with my heel. I don't want this conversation to continue, not right now. "Mel?"

"Huh?" She responds softly.

"It's Christmas Eve. Let's get out of the cold and pick up some food." Her expression is confused so I finish. "Stop focussing on this shit, just for now. Maybe it'll be good for you."

"You've always been so good at running from problems." My sister snickers, her eyes glancing down.

I'm not sure if she means this in a bad or good way, but I nudge her shoulder and mumble "You spent most of your teen years at a boarding school half way across the county."

Melanie sighs. "Touché."

* * *

><p>I smile at Lucas as he scoots around our bedroom floor, looking determined and adorable and Christmas pajama clad.<p>

"Not long till he starts crawling." Freddie muses. "Early for his age, but can't say I'm surprised." He shrugs with mock cockiness as he intertwines our fingers.

Ava sits on the middle of our bed, holding Owen up and shaking various toys and rattles in front of his face to get some sort of reaction out of him.

Owen's wearing a smaller version of Luke's pajamas, so they're matching. Their faces are completely identical, with red rosy cheeks from the cold outside and of course their huge brown eyes. They look adorable together and it makes me grateful. Even though so much shit has happened this year, I'm damn glad I have them. I spend most of my time focussing on them, but I'd do anything to be able to actually put my full undivided attention on my boys. I need to work on going to school, getting a career. For them and for Freddie.

Lucas deserves a place where he can scoot, then in a few weeks crawl, and a few weeks after that walk, wherever he wants. Owen deserves it too when he finally decides to catch up. I want to be able to give them that. Not only just a lot of room, but a lot of time. Time I'm not spending worrying about Melanie.

I sigh softly, falling into Freddie's embrace as we sit against the wall, my hand in his. "When we first got together, everything was so simple." I start.

He looks at me quizzically. "Not really. You were pregnant and we were still in high school."

"Yeah, and everything else in our lives was completely insane, but there wasn't one flaw in our relationship." I clear my throat before my voice returns, softer than before. "Let's go back to that."

Freddie nods softly. "In all the chaos, you were the only thing...borderline," He smirks. "_normal_ thing in my life."

"I wanna rely on you like before, baby." I rest my leg on his. "I think I kind of forgot how to do it because I've been so busy dealing with everything else, but not anymore. I wanna work on us." I motion to Lucas on the floor and Owen, in my sister's arms. "I wanna work on our family."

Freddie locks his eyes with mine, leading a soft nod in my direction. "So?"

"So..." I trail off, trying to figure out how exactly I could do that. I wish I knew an easy way. "Let's get married as planned, then move out of this place, like you suggested."

"I think it'll take a little more than that, Sam." He says softly.

"Maybe." I mumble. "But once we do that, we're set. We can focus on each other and the twins. And that's it."

Freddie's eyes graze mine and I wonder if he knows the main reason why moving seems so appealing to me. This apartment has become the bearer of bad news, of useless fights between us for the past six or seven months. I want to start over, in a way. Where my focus is retained on only my sons and my soon to be husband. They deserve a mother who is completely there 100% of the time, and Freddie deserves a wife likewise.

"I'm sorry." I blurt out, still not loud enough for Ava to hear.

Freddie glances at me. "For what?" He mumbles.

"For being a shitty fiancé. Screaming at you for things you can't control." I sigh, still not finished. "I act like you don't know what heartbreak is and that you've had it easy your whole life." I shake my head. "I know you haven't. I've never lost anyone close to me like you lost your dad. It must hurt, huh?."

His only response to that question is a small nod before he changed the subject. "Baby," He whispers, running his thumb down my palm. "You can't say shit like that anymore. I know you only start with that when you're really stressed but..." He trails off. "It's not an excuse."

I nod, gripping his hand. "Not at all."

Silence, except for the cars outside and Ava's babbling to Owen, passes through the room. I take a minute to look at my sons, and I know that I need to do this. I'll figure a way to work everything with Ava and Mel out, but Freddie, the twins and I need to move. What happens when another bad situation comes along and all of the other drama going on in this apartment makes me toxic, and I really fuck something up with Freddie? That can't happen, I've cut it close too many times before.

I'm pulled out of my thoughts by Fredward's lips, and I smile against them. It almost feels like the first time we kissed, the first time not including the messy, sloppy kisses the night Luke and Owen were conceived. It surprised me, to have him kiss me with that much passion. I'm amazed by how much I've missed those kisses without even noticing they were gone.

"I love you." He says softly, in between breaths as I pull out of his embrace. "We've been on a hell of a road...but now it's time to focus on us."

"Of course, baby." I respond, smiling as Lucas comes face to face with my foot and grips it until I lift him up, holding him tight in my arms as he blabbers at me.

I'm lost in looking down at my son with Freddie's arm around me, so lost that I hardly notice when my younger sister shrieks from the back of the room, Owen propped up on the windowsill.

"Guys!" Ava says loudly, her voice laced with excitement. "It's snowing!"

I laugh, lifting myself and Luke up so we can stand behind my little sister and look out the window. "So?" I ask, putting a hand on her shoulder I get a better view.

"_So_?!" She repeats, mock rolling her eyes. "It's Christmas Eve!"

Before I know it, Carly and Mel have entered our room as well, both of them grinning as they look out the window.

I feel Freddie's arm around me and I'm relieved. I haven't felt this way with him in a long time. We're okay, completely okay and I want nothing more than to marry him and finally be able to focus on our relationship.

My voice comes out soft after I kiss him again, murmuring against his lips "Merry Christmas, baby."

**Hope you all have a great Christmas! Please review and let me know what you thought of this chapter, I really appreciate it. Thank you and Merry Christmas to all of my lovely readers. The next chapter will be up soon :)**


	35. Chapter 35

"Thank you guys for exploring the city with me! You can leave tips on your way out, have a great day!" I say to a bus full of tourists who stare back at me with grim expressions. I don't blame them, riding on the open top of a double decker bus on a Saturday evening in the middle of January isn't exactly my idea of fun either.

"You enjoy your first tour?" I ask my coworker Evan, the New York native I started training today who can't be much older than I am. He only shrugs in response.

"I hate tourists, man."

I raise my eyebrows. "You picked the right line of work, then." I mutter sarcastically. He runs a hand through his dirty blond hair as the bus comes to a halt.

"Feel free to exit the bus in a one by one fashion and I hope you all have a wonderful day!" I speak into the microphone, exhaling a deep breath.

Evan raises his eyebrows as he glances at the large amount of people getting off of the bus. "Do they ever tip?"

I shrug. "Sometimes."

"Right." He clicks his tongue.

"So what is this?" I ask, motioning around the bus. "You trying to pay for school or something?"

Evan shakes his head. "I'm not a college type of person. It's more of just..." He shrugs. "My parole officer got me this job."

I raise my eyebrows, surprised at his honesty when we've hardly spoken twenty words to each other.

Before I can say anything in response, his voice comes back. "You?"

"I need the cash." I shrug, not wanting to go too far into detail. I survey the now empty bus and begin walking down the stairs.

I pause until both Evan and I have made it down the stairs and I can face him with stern eyes. "You sure you're up for taking my shift for the next week?" I ask.

He nods and I raise my eyebrows. "Sorry about putting this on you after your first day, no one else was up to covering me." I mumble sheepishly.

Evan shrugs. "It's fine. Doesn't seem too hard."

"Nah. You've lived here your whole life, you know everything about this city. I think you'll be fine." I say. "And if you're unsure, remember that it's really damn easy to bullshit these people." I glance inside the tiny gift shop of the tour company and shake my head. "That woman's about to pay $25 for a Statue of Liberty figurine."

Evan laughs and I glance down at my phone, my eyes widening when I see the time. I've got a flight back to Seattle in less than fifteen hours and I've hardly packed. Leave it to me to keep this off until last minute. I've been trying to avoid it. I mean, it's not exactly like this week off is a vacation. Far from it.

I give my coworker a small wave. "Thanks again!" I shout as I begin walking down the crowded street, immediately pulling out my phone when Evan is out of sight.

"Hey, I just got off. You ready?" I mumble to Freddie as I glance at the street sign above me.

"I'm at 24th and-" He stops abruptly. "Wait, I see you!"

"Hey, baby." Freddie exclaims to get my attention and even on the crowded, busy street I hear his voice, walking over to his side.

"Hey." I sigh. "Where are the twins?"

"Carly and Ava are watching them, I didn't want to bring them, you know."

I nod softly as he begins to lead us in the right direction, to the courthouse so we can finally obtain our marriage license.

I wish it would all be said and done tonight, but in the state of New York it takes over 24 hours for a marriage license to become valid, so we'll be cleared to get married by the time we get back from Seattle. And then hopefully I'll have a better understanding of what's going on in Melanie's head, I'll be able to talk to my mom and Freddie and I will be completely ready.

I grasp his hand and exhale. "This is definitely a good decision."

He raises his eyebrows in response but I don't let him say anything. "I want to finally start our life without all the baggage." I mumble. I know marriage isn't going to guarantee that, but it might help. We'll finally make the step into getting a place for just our family. I'll be able to hopefully dedicate myself to Freddie more than I have been recently.

"We can look for apartments as soon as we get back from Seattle." I state, my eyes grazing over his. I avoid talking about how nervous I am about this trip, how the idea of seeing my mother again has been haunting me for days.

The look Freddie gives in return seems promising but questioning as he takes hold of my hand and squeezes it softly. Freddie can read my mind like nobody else, I know he knows I'm not exactly psyched about this trip, but he masks it in his cheerful voice. "Sounds good, baby."

* * *

><p>"Sam, Spencer wants you guys to bring him...what is it Spence?" Carly pauses as she lifts her phone to her ear. "Belgian waffles from that street cart."<p>

"Those definitely aren't gonna do well on a six hour flight." Freddie interjects, tossing a shirt into his suitcase.

I shrug. "I'll bring him the waffle."

"He wants chocolate syrup, strawberries and whipped cream." Carly murmurs before rolling her eyes and walking out of mine and Freddie's room, the phone still to her ear.

I sigh, sadly glancing at Owen in his crib. "I feel so bad." I grumble. "I hate leaving him alone."

"He's not gonna be alone, Sam. I'll be here for the next three days, and then he'll have Ava and Carly to take care of him."

"Still," I pout in response. "I've never been away from one of my kids for this long. It doesn't seem fair that Lucas is going but Owen can't."

"We can't risk taking him on a flight that long, baby." Freddie frowns, attempting to make me feel better with a stroke of my arm.

I shrug, glancing at Owen in his crib before I realize there's no point in defending myself. Freddie's right, O just isn't healthy enough to be flown across the country. "I know." I slump down on the only part of the bed not covered by suitcases and glance at Freddie. "This," I mutter, throwing my hands up as air quotes "vacation is gonna suck."

Freddie raises his eyebrows in agreement, lifting Lucas off of the floor. "Don't get too worried about it, Sam. I'm flying in right after my interview on Wednesday."

I look up at him with big eyes, leaning in to meet my lips with his. "Okay." I say quietly. I think I'll be able to handle spending time with Melanie in Seattle for the next three days. I'm still terrified of the idea of seeing my mother, but I'm trying not to focus on it. I'm trying not to focus on a lot of things happening in Seattle.

"Sam!" I hear my sister call from her room and I pull myself out of Freddie's embrace, shrugging sheepishly at him.

"What, Mel?" I ask from her doorway, staring at the disheveled suitcase on her bed.

"You think I should bring this?" She murmurs, holding up a puffy black coat in her hands.

I only shrug. How Melanie is so calm about this trip is beyond me. She's usually the one who freaks out and shuts down when something serious and different is happening, but right now she couldn't be more...normal about this whole situation. Our roles are switched and it's beginning to scare me.

"Well?" My sister taps her foot and I raise my eyebrows.

"I guess." I reply, quickly turning around and exiting the room before walking back in my bedroom and picking my son up off of the floor.

"Hey, buddy!" I exclaim as Lucas adjusts his position in my arms before settling and staring up at me with huge brown eyes.

He only laughs softly in response and I smile at him, lifting him in my arms as I walk a few feet to pick his brother up as well. I grab Owen with only one arm, impressed with the arm strength I've gained since the twins have been getting bigger.

"You know what?" I motion to Freddie, who accepts Luke in his arms. "Maybe I'll just fly into Seattle after your interview."

He raises his eyebrows and starts in a sweet tone. "It's only three days without me, baby. I think you'll manage."

I shake my head and rock Owen. "I should be there for you, this is a huge deal!"

"It's fine, Sam."

"No, it isn't!" I sigh. "I'm supposed to be there for you! What kind of fiancé does that?!"

Freddie moves his free hand away Lucas to brush a piece of hair off of my face. "I won't tell you if I got it or not till I get to see you in person, okay?"

No matter what the compromise is, I'm still gonna feel guilty for not being with him for this occasion. Freddie has been with me through everything, the least I could do is stay in the city and be there for him when he needs me. Still, I push myself closer to him, mumbling into his shoulder. "Of course, nub."

* * *

><p>I'm jolted awake by the beeping of my alarm, nonstop ringing until I slam my fist down on it, knocking it off the table.<p>

The clock reads 5:31. I'm overcome with nerves about this trip and there's no way I slept more than two hours throughout the night. I can barely close my eyes anymore, I'm too anxious. I'm trying not to think about the nightmares I encountered last night, direct scenes from my childhood playing over in my head and over until the annoying sounds of the alarm clock woke me.

Freddie shifts next to me and I run my arm over his. I don't want to fully wake him, he had a shitty night of sleep too and even got up around three to rock Owen back to sleep. Of course now the twins are dead asleep, and the only two people up in this entire apartment, maybe even the entire city, are me and Melanie.

I sigh as I pull myself out of bed, watching my sister quietly walk into the room with disheveled hair, wearing a pair of sweatpants and a crew neck.

She hardly acknowledges me as she moves over to peer over Owen and Luke's cribs, seemingly impressed with how they're sleeping.

I move a finger to my lip and whisper "Don't you dare wake them up."

Melanie sighs, standing over Owen's and moving a hand over his tiny fingers. "I won't."

I get closer to her, staring down at my son and biting my lip softly. I can tell how tense Mel is about the trip by the way she stays still over the crib, not talking at all. She's not used to being sober and nervous.

Suddenly, a thought occurs to me and I raise my eyebrows, staring my twin down until she makes eye contact with me. "What?" She asks, annoyance in your voice.

"You can't bring drugs on the plane, Melanie."

"Are you kidding me?" Mel's voice gets louder and I shush her quickly before she explodes again. "I'm not stupid, okay? I can go a week without..." She trails off. "I should finish packing. We gotta be out of here in half an hour."

I nod softly as I grab Luke's outfit for the day from the dresser, placing it on the bed.

I run a hand through my own hair and decide that it looks at least moderately okay for spending the entire day on a plane before I pull a pair of yoga pants and a sweatshirt on.

Looking back down at Owen, I study his dark features and almond shaped eyes. I softly move my hands in Luke's crib as I pull him up, cradling him. He's unsurprisingly silent and I smile. Owen is colicky because of his health, but Freddie and I are damn lucky that the other twin hardly ever cries. Seriously. Maybe once in awhile when he's hungry, but other than that...nothing.

I place Luke on the bed as his eyes slowly begin to open and he stares back up at me.

"Morning, baby." I whisper to him. "You wanna go see where Mama and Daddy used to live?"

He only babbles in response and I watch Freddie stir in his sleep, turning over to look at our son.

I move a hand on his back, mumbling "Go back to bed, baby."

Of course he doesn't hear a word I say, he just sits up straighter and shakes his head, almost instantly fully awake. "You need me to watch him when you're getting ready?"

I shake my head. "It's fine." I murmur, not moving Lucas from my lap as I sit still on the bed, attempting to put off this trip for just a few more minutes.

I need to go to Seattle, though. Freddie does too. We need full closure away from that city. We left with no warning, we packed our bags quickly because we had to and we left too much undone on the West Coast. I need to talk to my mom. Freddie has to come to terms with his dad's death, something he never really got to do even though he died over a decade ago. After this, we'll be able to get married and never set foot in that city again unless it's to see Spencer or Mrs. Benson. And that is comforting.

Except now's the uncomfortable part, where I actually have to do the things that will give me some sort of closure. That's absolutely terrifying.

Freddie's eyes search my face, his own falling into a perplexed expression. "You okay?"

I sigh. "I don't want to see her."

"Baby..." He mumbles softly, biting his lip as though he's trying to figure out what to say next. "Why are you so afraid to talk to her?"

If anybody other than my fiancé or Carly asked me this, I would become defensive, but Freddie's is genuinely curious and I accept that. "I don't know," I say, my voice gruff. A moment of silence passes between us as Freddie sits up a bit more and picks Lucas from my lap, cradling him in his arms instead.

"It's just that...I've spent so long trying to distance myself from her and tell myself I don't really need a mother figure in my life. I feel like as soon as I see her..."

I shake my head as Freddie finishes my sentence. "You're going to accidentally trust her again?"

"Yeah, I guess I don't want to set myself up for disappointment." I sigh. "She's gonna have to be sober for however long her sentence is and I dunno, she could possibly be strong enough to make it a longtime thing. Not like that means anything. It doesn't take back anything." I say this mostly for me, trying again to remind myself that I shouldn't build my trust on how long my mom is sober for. Her sobriety doesn't mean shit with everything else she put me through.

"Sam..." Freddie says uneasily, noticing the way I've latched onto him, my arms eagerly wrapped around his neck. "Talking to her doesn't mean you're rekindling your relationship."

I only shrug, as if to say 'But it's so easy to fall into that trap.'

I'm not surprised by the way Freddie reads my mind, lifting my head up so our eyes can meet as he mumbles "You're smart as hell, Sam, she can't manipulate you anymore."

This statement only calms my nerves for a second before I realize that there is someone who can be manipulated easily, especially by my mom. Mel. A new wave of anxiety replaces the other one I was feeling. I shouldn't be worried about myself falling into my mom'a bullshit, I should be worried about my sister.

"Shit." I groan upon realizing this, glancing up at Freddie with wide eyes. "I need to get Melanie to realize this."

As if on cue my sister appears in the doorway, a glum look on her face.

"If we leave now we might be able to see the sunrise out the cab window." She mumbles with a shrug.

"Yeah." I respond, grabbing my suitcase in one hand as my eyes shift nervously to Freddie. "Just give us a sec."

Melanie raises her eyebrow, walking to the bedside and picking her nephew out of Freddie's arms, cooing into his ear as she leaves the room.

I don't need to say anything aloud for Freddie to know what I'm thinking. He's thinking it too. As soon as Mel sees my mom, sober for a change, she'll begin to idolize her again, just like she did when we were kids. She'll look up to her like she's this great motherly figure, one that never actually existed in the body of Pam Puckett. It won't take long for Melanie to realize the hard truth and her addictive habits will increase and could even spiral out of control. It's bound to happen, just like it did when I was pregnant and my sister hears that our mom was in the hospital. She had false hope that everything would magically be okay when she got to Seattle. It wasn't. It never is.

"Why the hell did I agree to this?" I whisper to my fiancé, who just raises his eyebrows in return.

"You need closure. And who knows, maybe Melanie does too. Maybe this is closure for both of you."

I consider this, nodding softly. Closure means that neither Melanie or I will have pressure to rekindle our relationship with our mom. We'll just find out answers to questions we've had our whole life and finally be able to talk to her. It can't be all bad if we don't open ourselves to her.

"I love you." I say softly, wishing I could stay in Freddie's embrace. His arm tightens around my body and I smile softly, moving my face up to kiss him. "Good luck with your interview, you've got it."

He offers me a soft "See you in three days?"

"Yeah," I mumble, realizing that three days without Freddie seems a damn lot longer than it should. We've become so dependent on each other, especially me to him. It might not be healthy, but that's the only way we can operate. Completely co dependent and probably too mentally unstable for our own good. "I'm gonna do this chiz."

**So sorry for the recent lack of updates! I promise that I'm going to start updating more. Please review and let me know your thoughts on the chapter!**


	36. Chapter 36

"I'll have a Barcardi Silver with lime, please?" I watch in disgust as my sister waves her fake I.D in front of the flight attendants face, pretending to be nonchalant about the ordeal.

I simply take a sip of my own soda, waiting until the flight attendant is out of earshot for me to make a snark comment about the drink on Melanie's tray. I adjust Lucas in my lap and glance at my sister, who takes an innocent sip of her own drink.

I nod my head towards Melanie's tray table. "Thought you were trying to get sober."

"Not now, Sam." She hisses through her teeth, pressing the straw to her lips to take another small sip. "I have a headache."

I remember that we're only three hours into this vacation and I bite my lip before I say anything else to my sister. With a raise of my eyebrows, I decide to focus on my son instead. I silently thank him for being so cooperative on this flight so far, because god knows I couldn't handle him screaming the entire time. Lucas's big brown eyes stare at me happily and I hug him to my chest as he mumbles random syllables.

"Did you text Spencer and tell him when we're supposed to land?" Melanie asks quietly in attempt to break the silence.

"Yep."

She responds softly. "Okay."

"Freddie and I applied for our marriage license yesterday." I say casually.

Melanie eyes me and quips "So?"

"So...we're gonna get married as soon as we get back to New York." I mumble, knowing this sentence will do nothing but upset her. Melanie is resentful towards anyone who is brutally honest with her, meaning that at the moment, she can't stand Freddie. She wants nothing to do with him, probably making her bitter over the idea of me marrying him. It doesn't help that she's currently irritated and exhausted right now either.

My sister's facial expression doesn't change, she only stares at my blankly with tired eyes that tell me she's pretending not to care. I can't tell if she's sad or angry.

"We've been thinking about moving apartments after, you know." I glance at Melanie uneasily as I say this. Mind as well just be blunt.

Melanie tears her bored gaze away from the isle to stare me down, her eyebrows deliberately going up. "Why?"

To get away from you, I think instantly. I bite my lip to try to ponder something else to tell her. Realizing that isn't going to work, I blurt "We don't wanna raise our kids around..." I motion to her. "_this_ shit."

My sister glances down with no words. She takes a second to compose herself before looking up while pursing her lips, her eyes glazed over with tears. She looks at Lucas and I for a moment before lifting the plastic cup off of her tray table and onto her lips, disregarding the straw and finishing the rest of the $7 cup of hard alcohol.

I sigh, staring at my son. He stares back at me with tired brown eyes and I hug him closer to my chest, letting my heavy eyelids close. I mind as well get some sleep now, cause this is gonna be a _long_ trip.

* * *

><p>"Spence!" I exclaim, throwing my arms around Carly's older brother. I raise my eyebrows as I notice his new beard, which surprisingly doesn't look bad on him. His hair is shorter now too, definitely giving him a more professional look. So much more professional that he is almost unrecognizable.<p>

"Let me see the lil guy!" He says, quickly pulling out of the hug and gawking at Lucas in my arms. "Aww, Sam. He's adorable. I've seen pictures but wow...you weren't kidding. Carbon cutout of Freddie!"

I smile. "I know it." Noticing the way he stares at my son, I ask "You wanna hold him?"

Spencer's eyes light up. "Can I?!"

"Yeah, here." I hand my son to Spencer and he looks down at him excitedly, seemingly amazed by his little features.

"I'll see if my sister got the bags and then we're getting our asses out of this airport, I'm starving!"

"Yeah, okay." Spencer responds absentmindedly, still transfixed on my son.

I smile for a second before walking to the baggage claim, glancing at my sister. As I get closer to her I realize how red her eyes are and how the smell of alcohol surrounds her. In the fluorescent lighting of the airport, it's blatantly obvious that Melanie has been drinking all day.

I yank my phone out of my pocket in a quiet attempt to ease my rage, typing Freddie's name into the contact bar.

_'Just landed! Spencer has a beard and my sisters drunk. Miss you already._' I type to Freddie in attempt to seem nonchalant about the issue that's been bothering me all day. Freddie worries till no end about this stuff and he's already stressed with his interview coming up, I don't want to add to his stress. At least not that much.

I take a deep breath in attempt to compose myself, grabbing one of the suitcases my sister somehow grabbed off the conveyor belt. "Let's go, Spencer's waiting."

She doesn't respond, just lugs a bag behind her as we head outside to the humid air that immediately makes me want to vomit.

I glance around the outside of the airport and notice that Seattle definitely has not changed since we left it. I sigh as I feel a drop of rain on my arm. Maybe I'm supposed to find comfort in the way this city stayed the same, how it's hopefully willing to accept me back for the week with open arms.

It could also concern me, though. If this whole place is the same, who's to say my mom isn't?

* * *

><p>"So, how was the flight?"<p>

"Terrible." I murmur, adjusting Lucas in my arms, watching his eyes drift off. I laugh bitterly, setting my can of peppy cola on the kitchen table. "Lucas was fine but...I don't know." I take a breath before finishing "But how are things back here?" I glance around at his suspiciously clean apartment and then back at his (again suspiciously) beard clad face before asking the inevitable question. "You dating anyone?"

Spencer raises his eyebrows, the tone of his voice coming out more joking than serious. "That's none of your business."

I narrow my eyes. "So you are."

"Yeah." He blushes. "Her name's Nina. She's _Puerto Rican_."

"Nina." I repeat, turning the corners of my mouth in as I give him an impressed nod. "She sounds great. What does she do?"

"She's an artist! I have a few pictures of paintings she's done on my PearPad." He pauses, glancing around the room in attempt to find it. "Prepare to be amazed, Sam."

"You look for the PearPad, I wanna hear more about this girl, but" I start before Spencer can bombard me with details. "I gotta put Luke down for his nap and unpack a little."

"Okay, okay. But I swear to God you're gonna love her."

I chuckle and Spencer grins as I coddle my son in my arms and disappear upstairs, walking into Carly's room with him placed against my chest.

My sister is laying in the middle of the bed, a hand covering her eyes as she attempts to rest. I give her a confused look and a roll of my eyes.

"Really, Melanie?"

"Jet lag." She grunts.

I don't feel like talking, let alone arguing with her right now. My voice comes out calm as I murmur "Get up, the baby's gonna sleep on this bed for now."

Melanie moves a few inches in response, rolling her eyes as she fully pulls herself up. I give her a pointed look in return as if to say '_you put it on yourself'_ and she shrugs, running a hand through her matted hair.

I place Lucas on the bed, making sure he's not too close to any adult sized pillows or blankets as he drifts off. It might only be the middle of the afternoon but I'm exhausted from the long day of travel today was. I want nothing more than to curl up next to my son and sleep the rest of the day away.

But my running mind prevents that and instead I take my phone out of my pocket and call Freddie. I feel like it's been days since we've spoken even if it's only been mere hours since we woke up next to each other.

He picks up on the first ring. "Baby! Hi."

"Hey." I say cooly, biting my lip as I murmur "What are you doing?"

"O just woke up from his nap." I smile softly at Freddie's response, glancing at Lucas sleeping softly on the other side of the room. The three hour time difference has the twins apart from their usual schedule, I forgot about that.

Freddie lets out a gruff sigh before asking "How's everything in Seattle?"

I can tell from the change in background noise on the line that he stepped outside to talk. Instead of describing how Seattle is, I daydream of New York and take one last look at my sleeping son, safe next to Melanie before I walk out of Carly's room, clearing my throat.

"Huh?" I mumble into the receiver, shaking my head softly even though Freddie can't see me. "Sorry."

"Sam...what's up?" His voice is laced with concern and I instantly know what he means by this casual question.

I bite my lip as I open the window of Spencer's unoccupied bedroom, sticking a leg out of the window before standing on the steel floor of the fire escape. "Nothing," I grumble as I pull a cigarette out of the pack I took from my sister without her knowledge. "I'm nervous."

"For?"

I place the cigarette to my lips and light it, taking a long drag as I glance over the streets of Seattle. "I don't-"

Freddie interrupts me. "Are you smoking?"

"What?!" I fake cough innocently until I realize that that ploy only makes it seem more obvious. With a small sigh, I shrug. "I'll quit when I get home."

Freddie snickers on the other end and like usual makes a snide remark about how cigarettes kill. "That stuff is nasty, Sam, you know that."

I raise an eyebrow. "Yeah, thanks Dad."

He sighs on the other end before asking "Have you planned what you're gonna say to her?"

"Um," It takes me a second and another drag to catch up with my train of thought. "I've tried to."

"And?"

"I don't know. What am I supposed to say?" I murmur. "After this trip, I'll probably never speak to her again."

I hear his breath on the other end and I can tell that he's deep in thought. There's a million things I want to say to my mom. I want to brag to her how happy I am with my kids and Freddie. I want to laugh in her face that after all these years, Melanie turned out to be more fucked up than I am. I want to blame her for hundreds of things that happened in my childhood.

But none of those things are going to help me figure out my relationship with her. I think maybe this time it's more important to talk about her rather than me.

"This is a hard one, baby." Freddie mumbles.

I bite my lip. I want nothing more than to be home right now, with my mom far away enough so I can completely erase her out of my mind most of the time, like she never even existed. I'm not used to confronting my problems head on, especially not problems like this.

"Dammit." I curse as I crush my cigarette with the back of my foot and take another one out of the pack. "I don't wanna do this."

"You need to, though. You'll finally be able to figure some things out about her. For the first time ever, she has no choice but to talk to you." Freddie says in a calm voice.

I'm not nearly as calm as he is, lighting my cigarette with shaking hands and wishing he was here to at least wrap an arm around me. "Words aren't going to fix nineteen years of damage." I grumble.

"Definitely not." He says pointedly. "But maybe you'll have more of an understanding after you actually sit down and talk to her."

I narrow my eyes. "You're too optimistic."

"Sam," Freddie's voice turns stern as he says my name. "you're smart as hell. I think you know how to handle this and you don't even realize it."

"I think you give me too much credit." I sigh. "I'll text you later, okay baby?"

"Alright. I love you." Freddie says softly and my heart hurts for how much I miss him in this short amount of time. Maybe I'm unhealthily dependent on him or maybe this is just...love.

"I love you too."

I blow a breath of smoke out after I hang up the phone, feeling just as clueless as I have all day. I stare out at the buildings of Seattle with a grim look and I wish I could be anywhere else in the world right now, anywhere but here.

My sisters voice startles me out of my thoughts. "Finally you're off the damn phone. God, what could you two possibly be talking about for that long?"

I glare at her as she climbs through the window and eyes the pack of cigarettes I'm holding, grabbing it out of my hands quickly.

"Where's Luke?" I ask.

"Spencer's with him." Mel places a cigarette in her mouth and holds her hand out for a lighter.

I raise my eyebrows and shove it in her palm.

"So..." I grumble after she takes a long drag. "Is there a reason you waited for me to get off the phone? Something you wanna talk about?"

Melanie shrugs. "I'm just antsy."

I lean on the edge of the railing and stare down at the cars eight floors below. "Nervous about tomorrow?"

"A little." She lets a minute of silence pass between us before muttering "I'm having withdrawal symptoms."

"Like?"

"I'm pissed, Sam! I've been so damn angry lately. And whatever anxiety I've felt about being here had tripled...God, I feel like shit."

"And you're hungover." I finish.

Melanie purses her lips. "And I'm hungover."

I don't know what to tell her but I definitely know that I don't plan on showing any sympathy. Instead, I hopefully ask "How long have you been sober now?"

She lets out a long breath. "4 days."

"It's a start." I murmur, staring the opposite direction.

My mind drifts to Freddie instead of my sister, a more positive influence in my life. I want him to be here more than anything. I want so badly to be able to be with him. I snicker. Jesus Christ, I never realized how much I relied on him until we had to spend some time apart. I can't help but be more than grateful for him and God, I so much want to help him the way he helps me. Maybe I'll finally have a chance to do that on this trip, helping him finally accept his fathers death.

"I'm sorry," My twin mumbles, pulling my out of my thoughts. "for being such an asshole all day." She tears her eyes away from mine. "I shouldn't have gotten shitfaced on the plane."

"Nope," I raise my eyebrows. "you definitely shouldn't have. That was a shitty thing to do, Melanie."

My sister nods, running a hand down her blond ponytail. "I know." She sighs. It's the last time I ever do something like that, I promise."

I don't respond and we both know it's because she's unreliable. Right now, her promise doesn't mean anything.

I want to urge her to look into other ways to stay sober, that doing it by herself is nearly impossible and it'll turn into nothing but an endless cycle, but I stop myself from it. She admitted to her mistake, so be it. I'll let it rest on that tonight instead of nagging her when all she needs is somebody to ensure that she doesn't go completely crazy.

"I should probably check on the baby." I say quietly.

Mel looks up with glassy eyes and a small sigh. "Alright." She mumbles.

As soon as I turn around I feel a pair of arms throw themselves around me as Melanie abandons her cigarette on the ground with the heel of her shoe. I hold on to her just a tight as she holds me and we don't have to say anything. We don't have to talk about the cluster of emotions we're feeling about tomorrow's visit with our mom- confusion being the biggest one. All we can do right now is hug and no matter our differences or fights, we come together for this. Because no one will ever understand this situation but my sister.

"Mel?" I say softly as she shakily pulls out of the hug.

My sister raises her eyebrows as I give her an assuring nod. "We're gonna be fine."

**Sorry that this chapter basically just served as a filler, but the next few will be a lot more eventful. Thanks so much for reading and please review! **


	37. Chapter 37

"Thanks again," I clear my throat and glance down at my son in Mrs. Benson's arms, smiling at him softly. "I'll be back around 4."

Marissa solemnly nods. "Good luck, Sam." She says, giving my arm a genuine but uncomfortable squeeze.

"Bye, Lucas!" I say to my son with a squeeze of his pudgy hand as he coos back to me in response.

I exchange a simple smile with Marissa before exiting her apartment and walking across the hall back to Carly's.

Grabbing the keys off the hook, I ask Spencer "You mind if I drive?"

He raises his eyebrows. "You have a license?"

"A legal one?" I bite my lip. "No."

Narrowing his eyes, he murmurs. "I don't mind driving...you ready?"

I smooth my shirt. "Yeah," Calling up the stairs, I yell "MEL, we're leaving!"

"Coming!" My sister calls back, smoothing her hair as she walks down the stairs.

I survey her, noting that she looks abnormally calm, especially considering the circumstances.

"You good?" I ask softly.

Melanie shrugs, glancing down at her phone. "Sure."

I keep my gaze on her for a second too long, wondering why the hell she's acting so...okay about this. She looks put together and it does nothing but confuse me.

I shake my head. "Are you..._sure_?"

"Yes, Sam." Melanie rolls her eyes. "Let's go."

I bite my lip, nodding softly at my sister, trying not to make this a big deal. "Okay, then. Spencer?"

He glances over my sister and I and grabs the keys swiftly, raising his eyebrows before we follow him out the door.

* * *

><p>Washington Women's Penitentiary is just as bland as I pictured. I bite back the vile taste that enters my mouth as soon as I think about why we're here. Melanie bites her nail nervously, trying to keep her calm demeanor before we even enter the place. Spencer pulls up into the long driveway of the prison and I draw a breath in, pretending to study my fingernails.<p>

I've spent the entire twenty minute car ride trying to focus on anything other than what I'm supposed to say to my mom when I finally see her. I don't wanna focus on the dreary grey walls of the visitation room that I'm about to walk into. I haven't talked about this at all with Melanie, but I assume she's thinking the same thing.

Spencer rolls down the window as a prison guard asks "Visiting?"

He responds with "Pam Puckett."

"Alright," The guard points to left. "Parking up there."

I enter Freddie's contact on my phone, opening a blank message to send to him but my hands shake too much to bother. Shit, this is really happening. I was never exactly sure of how I'd feel when this moment came, but I assumed I'd be more angry than I am right now. I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing.

"Okay." Spencer clears his throat. "I'm gonna wait in the car, see you guys around 3 when hours are over?"

I nod. "Thanks, Spencer."

Melanie mumbles "Yeah, thank you."

"Course. Good luck!" He exclaims.

I bite my lip and mutter "I think we'll need it." under my breath.

"Shit." Mel says as soon as we step out of the car. She kicks a stone softly on the pavement before we head towards the door.

We walk into prison waiting room. I look at Melanie before I march up to the window, muttering "Here to visit Pam Puckett."

The grungy redhead woman behind the glass looks at her computer screen before asking "Name?"

"Samantha and Melanie Puckett."

She raises her eyebrows and lifts up a phone, simply saying "Tell Puckett she has people here to see her."

I hear a loud, unsuspecting voice on the other end snarl "Puckett?!"

The woman shrugs. "Ain't kidding." She hangs up the phone and points down a long corridor. "Up there to your right."

My mouth is too dry to thank her as we continue down the hallway, soon coming face to face with a visitation room filled with prisoners and their families. The room is unsurprisingly filled with children and their mothers, woman and their friends and husbands visiting their wives. I shake my head. It's such a sad place to share memories with someone you care about.

All my thoughts seem to come to a halt as I notice my mother across the room, making her way out of a door. She's standing next to a heavyset Hispanic woman and even with all the commotion in the room I swear I hear her exclaim "Puckett, those the kids you always talking about?"

My breath hitches in my throat as I sit down at the only open table in the room. Melanie does as well, her eyes locked with mine. I don't have time to say anything to her before our mom sits down at the table. Her eyes are more tired than I've ever seen them and her skin has a yellow tint.

This is a moment I've been waiting for, thinking of for months and it's finally here. It's here and I have no goddamn idea what to say to her. Luckily, my mom herself starts conversation.

"You guys got my letter?"

I glance at Melanie, my confused eyes meeting hers. We share the same expression before I ask "Letter?"

My mom shakes her head. "I sent you two a letter months ago." She clears her throat. "I thought you were ignoring me by not responding but I guess...you never got it."

Pam sighs at out blank eyes. "It's better that I do it in person, anyway. You both deserve that."

I fold my arms in front of me. "Well...?"

"Being in here for the past few months had me going crazy thinking about you girls. I've never had so much time to think. The only thing I can think about is how shitty I've treated you two. I got so lucky, to have kids like you even when I treated you terribly." Her sunken in eyes meet mine as she finishes "When I'm out of here, I don't wanna be the person I was. I'm not touching any of that shit again, I'll be sober for the rest of my life if it means I have a chance to have relationships with my kids."

Just as I'm about to completely ignore everything Pam just said to my sister and I and ask her how much longer she's even in here for, I hear a sniffle across the table.

Melanie's eyes are huge and welled up with tears. "Momma..." She says softly, running her hand over Pam's. "Don't beat yourself up about it. You can't change anything that happened."

My eyes dart from Mel to my mom. "No, she definitely _should_ beat herself up about it." I say to Mel. Turning to my mother, I grumble. "Dwell on it, spend every single day thinking about every single bad thing you've done to us. Why not? I mean, we had to." My voice is bitter as I let the last words out with a harsh shrug.

Silence passes between us for a few seconds before Pam says "I'm sorry. I know that doesn't count for anything but...I really am. There's nothing okay about your childhood, but when I'm out of here in three months I'm going to make it up to you. I swear to god, prison has changed me. I'm a different person now, Sam."

My mother's words would seem genuine coming from anybody but herself. I just shrug. "I don't think there's a way you can make it up to us, Pam. At least not me."

I notice Melanie's gaze in my peripheral vision. "Sam'll think about it, mom." She explains quietly, talking about me like I'm not sitting right next to her.

"Oh, Mellie, I've missed you so much." My mother says sadly, resting a hand on my sister's.

"I've missed you too." Melanie says, her eyes grazing over with more tears. I resist the urge to roll my own eyes, watching my mother relate to my twin sister just like she has so many times in the past.

I feel a twinge of jealously followed by a feeling of guilt for even being jealous at all. I have everything that Melanie wants, stability and strength and people to keep me grounded, can't I just let her have this one thing?

"I messed up my life." Mel says quietly, suppressing a sniffle as a tear rolls down her cheek. My mom raises her eyebrows as Melanie finishes. "I don't want you to be disappointed."

"_Disappointed_?" I mutter in my sister's direction. "Are we forgetting that this woman is a convicted felon?"

My sister doesn't acknowledge my words, she only wipes a tear from her cheek as she says "But I'm gonna fix everything up and we'll be sober together, I promise."

"I'm proud of you, kid." Pam says softly, giving Melanie a small smile. "I know how hard it is, but you can do it."

Before she can respond, a guard calls out "Visiting hours are over!"

Melanie bursts into tears all over again, biting her lip as she lifts herself out of her seat. She throws her arms around our mother with no hesitation and I let out a sigh as an uneasy feeling rises in my chest.

I feel like I'm going to vomit.

"Bye, mom!" Mel exclaims. "We'll see you tomorrow, same time." She looks at me uneasily. "Right, Sam?"

"Yeah." I say emotionlessly as I swing the visiting room door open without a single look back.

* * *

><p>The same question has been running through my mind since Melanie and I left the prison. It's been on an endless loop for hours, following me with every movement and every damn thought. How the hell did Mel forgive our mom so easily? What, she says a few sweet nothings and Melanie just pretends like she made one or two mistakes and everything is over and done?<p>

I roll my eyes as the thought enters my head again. _Bullshit_.

I take another drag of the cigarette I had hanging from my mouth, cursing myself for being this stupid. It's past one am and I've been on Carly's fire escape for hours, chain smoking and replaying today's events over and over in my head. That can't be healthy.

My phone buzzes in my hand and I glance at it immediately. A message from Freddie lights up the screen.

_"Hey, baby. I know you're probably asleep but I wanna know how things went today. See you tomorrow."_

Shit, I was too caught up in my own shit to even realize that Freddie's interview with Microsoft was today. I scroll up to his previous messages, noticing that he texted me multiple times throughout the day and I didn't even know. Instead of replying to the message, I hit the phone emoticon next to the message.

He picks up almost immediately. "Freddie! How was your interview?!"

"I thought we weren't supposed to discuss this until I got to Seattle."

I shake my head. "Fuck that, I wanna know now."

"Okay, well," I can almost hear him grin through the phone. "I'm not completely sure of anything yet but it looks like your hubby is about to be a new software engineer at Microsoft, baby!"

"Oh my god!" I exclaim, half faking my enthusiasm because of my exhaustion. Still, a wave of relief comes over me as I think about the possibilities this holds for our family. After all, that should be the most important aspect of my life.

"I'm so proud of you, baby." I say softly. "Seriously, that's amazing!"

"How about you, Sam?" He asks. "You saw your mom?"

"Yeah, that's," I play it off with a wave of my hand even though he can't see me. "not a big deal right now. Let's just focus on your interview, baby! This is gonna change our lives!" I exclaim, taking the cigarette out of my mouth and crushing it with my heel before staring at the streets of Seattle that have dwindled down with the sun.

Even with this good news, with Freddie on the phone, explaining every single moment of the interview to me, I feel empty in my chest, taking a deep breath before crouching on the fire escape. I bring my knees to my chest as I let his voice drift me into a long, sleepless night.

**Reviews are greatly appreciated!**


	38. Chapter 38

"Thanks." I mutter as I take the coffee from the employees hand, placing it carefully in the cup holder of Spencer's car.

I drive away from the window and take a sip of my sugar and cream filled coffee, putting it back down as I begin to merge on the highway.

Even though I don't legally have a license, Spencer caved and let me drive to pick Freddie up from the airport, mostly out of his own laziness. It's only a 20 minute drive from Carly's house and I promised him over and over that I would be careful. I need some time to think, to clear my mind without trying to deal with Lucas crying or Mel nagging me.

I take a deep breath and another sweet sip of coffee as I mentally prepare myself with an explanation of why after all these years, I still resent my mom. This should come easier than my mind makes it out. All the abandonment and hurt my sister and I dealt with our entire childhood should come to mind, but for some reason it doesn't.

I feel a twinge of guilt over the feeling of resent towards my mother. She told me she's changed, but I'm too stubborn to accept it. This is going to cost her our entire relationship? I don't want it to go down like this. I want to allow myself to fully forgive her. That probably isn't as easy in actions as it sounds in words. I'm a bitter, stubborn person. Especially when it comes to my mother.

I wonder again and again how Melanie managed to accept our mom back into her life immediately. Sometimes I wish I could've done it that easily. Other times I feel upset towards Mel, not sure how she could forget about all the misfortunes Pam put up through and just welcome her back in her life with open arms.

Two visiting days have passed since I saw my mom, two days where I chose not to see her. Melanie walked in to Carly's room on both of those days, with raised eyebrows as if to ask "Are you even going to bother?" When I didn't respond, she just mumbled "Fine, I'll take the bus." And left the room.

I haven't actually asked my sister why it's been so easy for her to accept our mom back into her life. I know that if I try to, I'll get angry. Or worse: cry. Remembering the hell of a childhood that woman put me through brings out the worst emotions, and I've buried them too far down to let them boil up again.

I know that Melanie can relate to her now more than ever, knowing the true harm of addiction. Maybe she understands why Pam left us for days at a time with whatever sleazy guy she was dating that week. Why our mom hardly seemed to care that she couldn't pay the electric bill in the dead of winter, leaving our teeth chattering all night. My sister probably gets why Pam would scream at us, abuse us emotionally and physically in a heroin induced haze for hours and not remember it the next day. Maybe Melanie understands why even though Pam knew about all the shit we were enduring from her boyfriends at the time, she didn't say a word, kept it quiet and continued dating the same kind of terrible guys who did the same damn terrible things.

I don't get it, though. I don't understand it and I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive it.

I reach down for my coffee and accidentally take a sip of Freddie's, the bitter taste of black coffee filling my mouth. "Ew." I groan.

I pull a cigarette out of the pack laying on the passenger seat, lighting it and cracking a window open. I know this will do nothing positive for me but right now, I'm too unsure of everything to give a shit.

* * *

><p>I glance at the signs for each gate, raising my eyebrows when I see the number of Freddie's gate. I walk towards the baggage claim, my hands twisting excitedly.<p>

I know it's only been a few days since we've seen each other, but these days have been long and stressful. I need somebody I can actually confide in.

My eyes light up when I notice Freddie, waiting impatiently for his suitcase with a hand through his hair.

"Hey!" I say a little to excitedly, wrapping my arms around his neck as I peck his lips.

"Hey, baby!" Freddie pulls out of the kiss to take a long look at my face. "How are you?"

"Good." I answer quickly. "I'm okay, I mean." I switch the topic with my arms still around his neck. "Did they call you back, you know if you have the job yet?!"

"Not yet." He sighs.

"How was Owen?" I ask, feeling bad for bombarding him with questions. "Good with Carls and Ava?"

"Yeah." He says, his eyes lighting up when he notices his bag on the baggage claim. "Carly is staying at the apartment for the rest of the week." He pulls the bag up swiftly as I nod.

"I parked Spencer's car outside, you mind driving home?"

Freddie shakes his head. "Not at all."

"Let's go, then." I motion to the door as he lifts his suitcase from the ground.

"You never told me how it went." Freddie raises his eyebrows as I lead him to the car.

"What?" I ask absentmindedly as I slide in the passenger seat. My fiancé puts his suitcase in the trunk before he enters the seat to my left. I throw him the keys.

For a second, Freddie's eyes are focused on the road. I hope he lost his train of thought. I don't feel like explaining the prison visit, I've relived it in my head enough times.

"East or west?" He asks softly and I pull my head up, glancing over with wide eyes.

"What?"

"Which one do I merge on?" He wonders, pointing to the road.

"Oh," I mumble. "Left lane."

When Freddie doesn't respond, I hold the cup of coffee in front of him, mumbling "Got you this. It's probably cold by now."

"Thanks, baby." He says quietly, his hand finding mine on the middle console. "So, you never told me," He attempts to glance at me as he merges on the highway. "how it went with your mom."

"Take a wild guess." I say quickly, feeling myself get angry just thinking about my visit with her

Freddie doesn't respond right away, giving me time to pour out the emotions I've been holding in.

"Mel jumped right back into her arms, like nothing ever happened." I blurt, my eyes meeting his for a split second before his focus shifts back to the road. "I don't know how she does that, but..." I grumble, attempting to regain composure. "I can't."

I clear my throat, simply stating "I can't forgive her now."

That's it, I hope. That's the end of this conversation.

Except, it isn't.

I glance at the open pack of cigarettes and grumble "I smell like goddamn tobacco."

Freddie looks perplexed as his eyes dart back to me. "Sam," I roll my eyes, preparing myself for a lecture. "are you gonna hit something?"

I let out a deep breath I wasn't aware I was holding in, realizing the amount of anger boiling inside me. As my teeth clench on my bottom lip, I toy with the pack of cigarettes, pulling one out.

I notice Freddie tense up and I put a hand on his shoulder. "These are so nasty." I grumble, staring at the cigarette in front of my face. Any anger I was previously feeling diminishes into pure sadness, a million scenarios swirling around my head. "I've been so focused on my mom and Melanie and smoking all week. I hardly even remembered Lucas. And Owen!" I exclaim. "I miss him." I say to Freddie softly. "Oh my god." I groan, putting my head in my hands. "God!"

I'm not sure what's going on with my emotions, but I cling to Freddie's shoulder and hold on tight. "Baby," he mumbles. "Stop. It's okay."

I shake my head. "I can't have a relationship with that woman until she shows me that she's capable of it!" I exclaim.

"Then don't!" Freddie says, his eyes meeting mine for a few seconds before he glances back at the road. "Let her come to you with actions, not just words. You shouldn't have to put effort into this anymore."

"You're right." I respond, attempting to fix my breathing. "It just drives me crazy how Melanie is able to accept a few dumb words from her and forget everything she's ever done to us! It makes me feel stupid for still holding grudges." I groan.

Freddie's hand meets mine. "I get that. But don't beat yourself up about it. You'll be able to come back to her when you're both willing. It isn't gonna work until you have time to clear your head."

"I love you." I say quietly, my eyes gazing wishfully at the road as I place my head on Freddie's shoulder.

"I love you too, baby." He mumbles, his hand touching my shoulder. I feel a sense of relief as I sigh into his arm.

"I'm quitting this shit tomorrow." I glance back down at the cigarette pack. "I wish I never started it. Dumb habit." I snicker. "So far, being here has caused more trouble than it was worth."

"Hey, it's not all bad." Freddie squeezing my shoulder with his free hand. "We have time to relax. We've got my mom on almost 24/7 baby duty."

"Yeah," I sigh. "I feel kinda bad about that."

"Are you kidding?" Freddie shakes his head. "She loves it. Anyway, we have a lot of free time, Sam. A lot more than normal."

I raise my eyebrows. "So?"

His eyes meet mine. "So I get to spend time with you." He squeezes my hand in the middle console. "Much needed time with you."

* * *

><p>"I don't know," I grumble, not breaking eye contact with my son as I attempt to feed him peas that took way too long for me to mush up. "If I should even bother going today."<p>

Freddie glances over at me, before walking closer and placing a hand on my shoulder. "Whatever you want to do, Sam."

I roll my eyes as Lucas doesn't accept a spoonful of peas, playfully swatting it away as it ends up all over the highchair his grandmother bought for him.

"You try." I raise an eyebrow at Freddie, handing him the spoon. "He hates it."

Freddie shoves a spoon in our sons face as I stare at the ground, wondering if it's worth it to bother explaining myself to my mom.

That'll be it, I guess. If I just let her know that I don't want our relationship to go any further unless she puts effort into it, then I have closure. Until she decides to open that up again, I can move on. And that's what I should be working on.

"I don't know what I want to do." I groan, gazing at my son and husband.

Freddie turns around from the highchair, abandoning the full bowl of peas and turning to me, wrapping his arms around my waist and kissing me. I pull him in closer as my own arms go around his neck. Even when we pull out of the kiss that position remains, and I focus on the sound of his breathing.

"Thank you." I say quietly. "I'm so glad you're here."

"Sam," Freddie says softly with his face just inches away from mine. "That's kind of my job."

Our bubbly son sits at his highchair with his hands up, laughing loudly as he picks up his spoon.

"This will all be done as soon as we get home." I smile softly as I wrap my arms around him. "And married."

"I told Ava that we're gonna move." Freddie shrugs. "She's excited. I was looking online and I found a pretty nice place in Brooklyn. It's a lot cheaper."

"Yeah, Brooklyn is nice." I say quietly, leaning against Freddie. "I wouldn't mind looking there."

We both jump as we hear a loud groan across the hall, sounding like it's coming from Spencer's apartment.

"God, what is that?" I ask.

"You think Spencer and his girlfriend are...?"

"I don't know." I shrug, suppressing a laugh. "Are we ever that loud?"

"Sam, if we were ever that loud Carly would be at the door in 10 seconds."

I raise my eyebrows. "Good point."

Another groan comes out of the apartment, except this time it's louder and I recognize my sisters voice yelling expletives after it.

"I think that's Mel." I roll my eyes.

Freeing myself from Freddie's embrace, I shut the apartment door behind me as I walk across the hall, twisting the door open.

"Melanie?" I call out to the seemingly empty apartment.

I walk a few feet to notice my sister's feet sticking out of the end of the couch, her body wrapped in a blanket. There's a bucket next to the couch that Mel's face rises out of as she hears my footsteps.

"God." I say, my eyebrows shooting up. "You okay?"

Mel only narrows her red eyes in response. I sit on the edge of the couch, noticing the sweat dripping down her forehead.

"You got high last night?" I ask.

She still doesn't say anything.

"Mel, you know I'm not going to be mad at you." I sigh.

My sister shamefully nods. Silence fills the room and I glance down at the Shay's rug.

I know that every word she told me, saying she was going to quit cold turkey, wasn't realistic. This is way out of her control, and no matter what she tries to do, the drug is always going to win.

"I don't think you can do this by yourself."

"I figured." Melanie sighs. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay." I say softly. "It's your choice what you do with this."

She runs a shaky hand over her wet hair. "I don't want to think about that right now, Sam." She groans. "Fuck, this hurts so bad."

"Withdraw sucks." I shrug. "Feel better, Mel. And figure it out."

"Are you seeing mom today?"

I sigh. "I don't know."

She waits a minute to begin talking a again, clutching her stomach. "Can you please go? I don't know if I'll be able to see her again. I want her to know I'm sorry."

I raise my eyebrows, amazed that Mel actually wants to apologize to someone who has done the same thing to us countless times.

I sigh. "Alright, Melanie."

* * *

><p>I stick my visitor badge on my shirt, walking down the grim corridor of the prison.<p>

Taking a deep breath, I sit on a plastic chair and wait for my mother. When she emerges from the doorway, I raise my eyebrows softly.

"Sam..." Pam says hesitantly. "Didn't expect to see you here."

"Mel was too sick to come, so."

She doesn't ask about Melanie like I assumed she would, and I snicker. Someone who actually cared about her daughter might question this, but my mother stays silent. She's full of shit.

"Did you think about it?"

I nod.

"And?"

"I don't know." I sigh, trying to keep the unsure tone out of my voice. "I can't put any effort into a relationship with you right now. There are people in my life who deserve it a lot more than you. I should...focus on them."

"Look, I know I've done you wrong, kid. But I'm still your damn mother."

I shake my head. "It doesn't matter. I don't know why you're asking me to forgive you so easily, either. If you cared about me, you'd understand that I need time."

"We can be close once I get out of here!" My mom practically shouts from across the small table. "That's all I want, Sam. I want to be able to be close with you and spend time with you, maybe even live with you."

"Over my dead body." I grumble, stubbornly crossing my arms over my chest. "I'm not gonna let you manipulate me just for a place to crash after prison."

Pam rolls her eyes. "You think that's what this is about? I just wanna get to know my kid!"

"Yeah, well." I snicker. "Should've tried that during my fucking childhood. I can see right through you, Pam. That whole redemption speech you gave us the other day was bullshit. You don't want shit to do with your kids unless it's benefitting you."

My mother opens her mouth and then shuts it. "Look, Sam," She shrugs. "I'm sorry if you're jealous of the relationship Melanie and I have. I can't help it that you feel left out."

"Yeah, I'm real fucking jealous of Melanie." I snicker, rolling my eyes. "The only reason you both get along is because she's a junkie just like you."

I don't let her respond. "Don't try to scalp her money or crash at her a apartment when you get out of here. Neither of us owe you shit." I shake my head. "Bye, Pam."

She narrows her eyes. "That's it?"

"That's it." I say silently, biting my lip as I turn my back to my mom. I shake my head, not sure how I'm supposed to feel. The entire conversation we had seems like a blur already, but I know one thing for sure.

I wanted closure, and I got closure.

**Thanks for reading! I will be updating a lot more now that I'm on break for the summer. Reviews are greatly appreciated!**


	39. Chapter 39

"Let's just forget about it, Sam." Freddie says, his head in his hands. "Our flight is in 4 hours, we should really get to the airport."

"_Baby_," I mumble, placing a hand on his back. "You can't be afraid of this place forever."He lifts his head up so I can see his eyes and I feel a twinge of sympathy. Luke babbles in my lap as I lock eyes with Freddie. "Be strong." I say quietly. "For me and the boys."

"Sam..." He says hesitantly. "I mean this honestly, we don't have to go."

I place my hand on his cheek and rub my finger down it, kissing his lips. "We only have to stay for a few minutes." I say softly. "I promise."

He nods and I adjust Luke in my arms as we get out of the car, walking to the drivers side and placing my hand in Freddie's, our fingers intertwined.

"Do you remember where it is?" I ask quietly.

He doesn't respond, just continues to lead me. Stopping in the middle of the isle, he exhales, staring down blankly.

I look down with him and notice his fathers name on the tombstone below us.

_1964-2002_

_Leonard Benson, an exceptional father and husband._

The tombstone is sparkling clean with a fresh flowers shining from the attached vase. Marissa obviously comes down here more than often to care for her husbands grave.

Freddie, however, hasn't been since the funeral. I wait for his reaction, studying his face. He only stares at the ground with no emotion, taking a deep breath before he closes his eyes tight, letting a few tears leak out.

"I'm so sorry, dad." He mumbles, collapsing on his knees as he runs his hand carefully over the tombstone. "I never come to see you." Freddie says softly, wiping away another tear. "I moved across the country just to forget that night." He stops talking, his head in his hands and I hear him cry quietly as I kneel down next to him.

After a few minutes, he turns to me "I never told you about the accident."

"You don't have to."

He shakes his head, but waits a few seconds to say anything. "I was in the car. I remember everything."

"Baby..." I murmur, placing a hand on his back. "You don't need to replay it."

He gives me a harsh look and I understand that he knows he doesn't have to, he wants to. I shut up as Freddie places a soft hand on Lucas.

"It just...went so fast. One minute we were talking and the next he was gone."

I look at my fiancé quietly and sympathetically.

"When you were pregnant and we were talking about living in New York, I was happy because," He shakes his head. "I knew we wouldn't have to drive anywhere."

He stops for a second, staring at the gravestone. "I'm just so afraid that something like this could happen to one of us." He blinks back tears. "And everything with Owen terrifies me. I can't lose anyone else, Sam."

I give him a soft sigh as I hug his shaking body. "I know, baby. Nothing bad is gonna happen." I pause. "We're okay."

The cool Seattle wind blows around us and I grip onto my son and fiancé until my knuckles are white. I try to keep my breathing intact and focus on Freddie, but this place just feels so suffocating. Thinking about all of it, the prison, this cemetery, makes me want to get on a plane and never set foot in this city again. At least not until I'm emotionally ready.

"I wish you got to know him." His voice is slow as he glances down.

I nod softly.

"He would've loved you. He was so different from my mom," Freddie pauses "they balanced each other out. He was always joking about stuff." My fiancé stares at me for a minute and I let him, our eyes locking "He would've appreciated you, probably be proud of me for getting you."

I bite my lip, giving Freddie a sad smile. "Aw, baby."

"He was such a great man. He saved people's lives everyday, and would never even ask for anything in return. I used to idolize him when I was younger..." Freddie nods through his tears. "He was like a superhero to me."

I bite my lip to keep myself from crying as I wrap an arm around him. "That's what Luke and Owen are gonna think of you." I say quietly. "Baby, he'd be so proud of you."

He transfers his sad gaze to me "I love you, Sam."

"I love you, baby." I glance down as I speak. "I never get to tell you how much you mean to me. You really saved my ass, you know that?" I laugh softly. "If I didn't have you here for everything, I-I don't know what I would've done. You turned my entire life around." I shake my head. "I bet your dad is so fucking proud of you."

He bites his lip, tears pouring out of his eyes.

"Thank you." I mumble as I pull his chin close and kiss his soft lips. "For everything you do for us."

Luke wiggles around in my arms, placing his hand on Freddie's face. His voice is high pitched "Daddy, daddy!"

I raise my eyebrows and Freddie just widens his eyes in amazement. I'm not even a little bit bitter that his first word wasn't mommy. I place an arm around my soon to be husband as our son continues to babble next to us, a soft smile on my face.

* * *

><p>"Sam!" I hear my sisters high pitched yell as I messily load my clothes into an already full suitcase.<p>

"Hold on!" I respond.

I look over at Luke and repeat "Mommy, mommy, mommy."

His big brown eyes stare at me for a second before he exclaims "Daddy!"

I shake my head, glancing at Freddie. "Let's hope Owen at least knows how to say it."

He nods with raised eyebrows, looking down. I can tell that he's still bearing the weight of going to the cemetery today, so I place a hand on his neck when I get up. "We should probably leave soon." I say softly.

His eyes are unresponsive and he responds with a simple "Yeah."

I examine his expression for a minute before another one of Melanie's loud screeches of my name comes from across the hall. "I'll be right back, baby." I murmur.

"What?" I groan as I walk out of Marissa's apartment. Carly's door is wide open and Mel sits on a suitcase in the living room, her long hair in a messy bun and her eyes raw and red. I cross my arms over my chest.

"I gotta talk to you." She says, pointing to the couch. "Sit."

I roll my eyes. "Our flight's really soon, we don't have time for this, Mel."

"Sam." She points again, and I raise my eyebrows, taking a seat.

"You seem better than the other day" I say before she has the chance to talk. "I'm guessing you caved in?"

Melanie ignores me completely, her eyes not meeting mine, as she mumbles "I'm staying in Seattle."

My eyes widen. "What?"

She shakes her head. "I'm going to rehab, I mean. Just got off the phone with a facility."

I'm surprised that she's actually trying to help herself. She's been claiming that she wanted to for months but I never thought she'd go through with it. I guess seeing my mom in prison did more to my sister than she led on. "So you're not all talk." My voice comes out accidentally sardonic. I take a breath and soften my tone "You have to stick with it, though."

She nods, thinking about this for a second, then getting up and handing me her wallet. "Here. If I call you before 90 days goes by, don't let me have any money. I'm not supposed to have contact with anyone till after 3 months."

I look my sister dead in the eye. "You're really serious about this, huh?"

Mel bites her lip. "I'm afraid to go into withdraw again." She says softly, looking at the floor. I can tell by her tone that she knows how serious this is, especially after trying to quit cold turkey. With a glance at me, she asks "So can we leave soon?"

I nod. "How long's it been since...?"

"Does it matter?" She snarls, putting her head in her hands. "I'm already starting to get a migraine. Get Freddie and let's go."

I stare at her. "Those people aren't miracle workers, Mel. You need to put work into this or you're just gonna relapse."

"Jesus." She huffs. "I know. If we don't leave now, I'll vomit in the cab."

"Okay, okay!" I put my hands up defensively. "I'll get Freddie. Where is this place anyway?"

"It's on 14th avenue." She mumbles, a hand on her head. "And the room is spinning, so can you take my-"

Melanie stops talking abruptly to slam a hand over her mouth, running to the kitchen where she vomits in and around the sink.

"I'll be back." I say as I look at my sister hunched over the sink, both arms on either side, taking deep breaths. She looks helpless and terrified, and I almost want to give her a hug. It's gonna be hard leaving her for 3 months, but it has to be done. I bite my lip as I remind myself that we're literally choosing between rehab or a funeral.

This can't be all I focus on, and I attempt to clear my head as I walk back into Marissa's apartment, watching as she coddles Luke, her eyes on Freddie who's sitting on the couch, staring ahead blankly.

"We went to the cemetery today." I whisper to Marissa.

She nods "I can tell. I tried talking to him but," she shakes her head. "nothing. He'll start acting normal again soon. It's just that he tries so hard to not think about his dad, that when he actually does, it's all he can think about."

I stare at my fiancé sympathetically. "I'll try my best to get him out of this."

"You're good to him. You know him almost as well as I do." Her eyes meet mine. "Almost." She glances down "I never could get him to go down there, and of course I didn't want to force it. You did a good thing. He has a lot of pent up emotions."

"Oh..." I murmur, unsure of what to make of my future mother in law's comment "Yeah, I know." I look at her gratefully, walking to the couch and placing a hand on Freddie's leg. "Everything okay, baby?"

"...Yeah." He responds absentmindedly.

"It's okay to think about him." I say softly.

His expression still doesn't change, and I stare at him, waiting for something.

"I know how shitty it is." My voice is quiet. "I know it's something you're forced to replay every day." I lean my head on his chest. "And I'm sorry it happened to you. But I love you, baby, and you're so strong and an amazing father to our kids."'

His eyes still go unchanged and I know exactly what I have to do. I lean over to whisper in his ear, taking a deep breath so I can get all of the words out. "I'm gonna be honest, I feel like kicking and screaming right now. I really fucking need you and I know you feel the same way." I lick my lips, inching closer to him and noticing how he reacts to my hot breath in his ear "Fuck me."

Freddie almost starts attacking my lips, but I press a finger to my mouth as I lift myself off the couch and he eagerly follows directly behind.

Marissa only stares at us, her arms crossed over her chest as Freddie enters his room and I walk into the bathroom. In less than a second he comes in the ulterior door, placing his hands on my ass and kissing me fiercely as he pushes me against the counter.

I moan in surprise. I'm not used to him being so dominant. He bites my lip harder than I'm used to and I groan, tugging on his belt and lifting his shirt off over his head.

"You have ten minutes to fuck the shit outta me." I say in a hushed tone.

"Shut up." He groans against my lips, maneuvering us right outside the shower and pushing me up on the glass door.

He doesn't waste time in pulling my shirt off roughly and clipping my bra off with it. One hand plays with my breasts and the other moves down my torso as his teeth begin to tug on my neck.

"Ugh." I groan as he bites down harder, his hand rubbing me roughly over my jeans.

I peel Freddie's jeans and boxers off just as quickly as he took mine off, then kick out of my jeans. I feel his warm breath down my torso as he pushes a finger on my panties before discarding them into the pile of clothes.

"Shower?" I groan as he becomes eye level with me again.

He nods eagerly, turning the water on and opening the door, nudging me in as he grips my shoulders.

"We have like 5 minutes." I whisper against his lips as we continue to kiss, our bodies pressed together under the running water. "Make it count, Benson."

I'm caught off guard when Freddie immediately does what I ask, positioning himself inbetween my legs and plunging inside of me violently. His finger pinches my clit and I let out a loud cry at the sudden pain/pleasure combination.

"Fuck." I moan as he slides in and out of me. His other hand comes up to play with my breasts, kneading them before moving his mouth close to my nipple, his hot breath causing it to become erect. His tongue circles it as he pulls out of me, then back in, then out again.

I slam my eyes shut at the pleasure only to have them spring open when Freddie pinches my clit again, this time harder than before. "Fuck, Fredward." I moan.

I watch as he smiles smugly at my reaction, my eyebrows going up immediately. "I...thought _I_" I groan between breaths, "was the controlling one!"

"Not anymore, Princess Puckett." He snickers, continuing to slide in and out of me at increasing speed.

"Ughhhhh..." I moan as he hits my sweet spot and I can feel my walls clenching around him. He plunges into me one last time before I feel him give everything he has into one last force. Even he lets out a loud screech as he comes inside of me, both of our knees going weak as we reach an orgasm together.

It takes me a minute to speak up as we lay on the shower floor, both of us breathing heavily. When I finally open my eyes, his are still slammed shut.

"What the hell was that?" I ask, slapping his chest softly.

"What?" Freddie opens his chocolate brown eyes as the water splashes over his face.

"Don't play dumb!" I murmur. "You had complete control over me."

"Who says you can be the only dominant one in this relationship?" He raises his eyebrows.

"How the hell did that even happen? It's like I lost my ability to do..._anything_." I think out loud, looking at Freddie with a confused expression.

I try not to let him see a smile peak out between my lips. "Not saying I didn't enjoy it, but..." I pause, studying his amused expression. "Game on."

My fiancé only snickers back at me and I let out a small sigh of relief. I'm amazed at how easily it is for us to forget our problems and focus on something completely unrelated, even if it's just sex. I place my hand in his, feeling free and happy even after everything that's happened this week. I'm ready to go back to New York and finally get to call this man my husband, and I've never been so certain that it's meant to be.

Freddie's voice pulls me out of my thoughts. "I think any relationship therapist would tell us that this dynamic is fucked up."

I laugh. "What, us having sex out of anger at the world?"

He doesn't respond and I lift myself off the floor, turning tlthe water off as I push the shower door open, staring at my fiancé beneath me. "It might be fucked, but so are we."

**Thanks for reading! Please let me know what you thought in reviews! **


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